April 1
03:12 pm
V: Oh my god, Eve.
V: I just had sex with Konstantin.
Eve: What?
V: APRIL FOOLS! [double smiley sticking its tongue out]
Eve: That's about the least funny joke ever, Villanelle!
Eve: I almost threw up.
V: So the moustache is ok but you put your foot down when it's a beard?
V: It doesn't tickle as much as a moustache in some circumstances though.
Eve: So, first - yuck. I was doing fine without these pictures in my head, thank you very much.
Eve: And secondly, he's practically your dad.
V: Nonsense.
V: He's a co-worker at most.
V: You've never had sex with a co-worker?
Eve: Once.
V: Ooh, which one? When?
Eve: That's irrelevant.
V: Bill?
Eve: No!
V: Kenny?
Eve: Not him either.
V: Oh, I know! That mole guy? Fred?
V: Frank!
Eve: Absolutely not! Geez, what's wrong with you?
V: Who is it then?
Eve: Hugo.
V: I don't know who Hugo is.
Eve: Yes you do, he was with us in Rome.
V: The pretty boy who was going on and on about his university?
Eve: That's the one.
V: But he's ten years old, Eve!
Eve: He's barely younger than you are.
V: I'm very mature, we've already established that.
V: Besides, you don't have sex with me.
V: Which is really not my fault.
V: When?
Eve: In Rome.
V: In Rome? Tsk, that's quite unprofessional of you, Eve.
Eve: And entirely your fault in this instance.
V: What?
V: Oh.
V: Really?
Eve: Let's move on.
V: I really don't want to move on.
V: Tell me everything!
V: Or you'll get a full description of all the things I haven't done with Konstantin.
Eve: Poor man, stuck with his two impossible teenage girls.
V: He's not my father.
Eve: Or is he? I bet he gave you a curfew.
V: Maybe, but I never observe it!
Eve: … Do you even read yourself?
05:24 pm
V: EVE!
V: I think the Twelve have found me.
Eve: What?
Eve: But how?
Eve: No, no.
Eve: Don't waste your time answering.
Eve: Leave now. I'm calling Carolyn.
V: APRIL FOOLS! [double smiley sticking its tongue out]
Eve: …
Eve: Seriously, what's wrong with you?
V: People usually make jokes on April 1.
Eve: Yes – jokes.
V: Well, it was a joke.
Eve: Well done, it was funny.
V: Really?
Eve: APRIL FOOLS! [double smiley sticking its tongue out]
07:48 pm
V: Did you know that Konstantin had been flirting with Carolyn's daughter?
Eve: I won't fall for that a third time in a row, Villanelle!
V: It's not a joke, I swear!
Eve: Konstantin and Josephine, really?
V: Geraldine, her name is Geraldine. Wow Eve, did you pay attention to anything at all these last few months?
Eve: Tomato… Do you expect me to believe that something happened between Konstantin and Carolyn's daughter?
Eve: He slept with her mother!
V: You're such a prude.
V: I think he used her to spy on Carolyn.
Eve: Oh my god, Carolyn must have been mad.
Eve: He was right to run as far away as possible.
V: Yes, she's a scary woman.
V: It's hot.
Eve: …
Eve: What a bastard.
V: Yeah, he's a bastard.
V: Do you think he loves me?
Eve: Yes.
V: Konstantin mostly loves Konstantin.
Eve: That too.
Eve: What about Villanelle?
V: What about her?
Eve: Doesn't she mostly love Villanelle?
V: She used to.
V: Eve?
V: What you told me last night.
V: Was it a joke?
Eve: No, it wasn't.
V: It would have been a very bad one.
V: But so that things are clear between us…
V: You know I used your toothbrush, right?
Eve: Tell me it's an April fools joke.
V: Good night, darling.
April 2
08:46 pm
Eve: Like me because old
V: Come again?
Eve: Like me because old
V: Or you could try to make a whole sentence?
Eve: Grumpf.
Eve: Hard to type with one hand.
V: It's easy - put your glass down.
Eve: Don't wanna.
V: Eve.
Eve: I'm saying that I'm old.
Eve: And that it's the only reason why you like me.
V: If I wanted an old woman, I would have married my building's super in Paris – a charming lady.
Eve: Fuck, you're so young.
V: I'm already three years older than I was when you started wanting me.
V: And in ten years, I'll be ten years older.
Eve: But so will I!
V: So?
V: I don't mind driving you around in your wheelchair.
Eve: Do you think it's funny?
V: You're freaking out for no reason. I couldn't care less about your age.
V: You're like the most beautiful woman in the world.
Eve: Hm. I thought you thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world.
V: Oh, I'm off the charts.
Eve: That you are.
April 3
10:06 pm
V: Why did you attack me on the bus?
Eve: Are you really asking me that?
V: I was coming in peace. I said hi.
V: I wasn't even waiting for you in a dark alley or anything.
Eve: I had been shot by you!
V: When you stabbed me, I brought you champagne. Much more polite, don't you think?
Eve: You were bringing me champagne before killing me, Villanelle.
V: I wasn't going to kill you.
Eve: Really?
V: I mean, I hadn't quite made up my mind yet.
V: But I'm almost positive I wasn't going to.
Eve: Oh well, if you're almost positive, everything is fine then.
V: So, you jumped down my throat because I shot you.
V: Hm, I suppose it makes sense.
Eve: You know what?
Eve: I think it was your damn smile.
V: What about my smile?
Eve: You shoot me, you disappear for six months, and suddenly you show up in my city, on my bus, like nothing ever happened, with that smug smile on your face.
Eve: God, you can be so infuriating.
V: So, if I had shown up looking sorry?
Eve: I probably wouldn't have hit you.
V: But you wouldn't have kissed me either?
Eve: Probably not.
V: Interesting.
V: You haven't hit me the other times.
V: But you haven't kissed me either.
Eve: Not because I didn't want to.
V: Are we talking about the hitting or the kissing?
Eve: … Both?
V: So, just out of curiosity, are both things inseparable?
V: Because I really want you to kiss me.
V: But I also want to keep my beautiful face unharmed.
Eve: Don't worry, I just want to hit you right now.
V: Cool.
April 4
07:26pm
Eve: You really thought I was dead, didn't you?
V: I'm a good shot.
V: Usually.
Eve: You missed twice though.
Eve: And Konstantin is not exactly a small target.
Eve: My shrink would say your unconscious has something to do with it.
V: I don't have an unconscious.
Eve: Everybody has one.
V: Everybody but me.
V: And you can tell your shrink that I don't want to have a penis either.
V: So maybe don't tell her about the ones I've cut off.
Eve: Could you please stop talking about penises?
V: You know what's funny?
Eve: I swear if it has anything to do with penises…
V: I thought that once you were dead, I'd be rid of you.
Eve: Funny is a bold choice of word, Villanelle.
V: I mean, the funny thing is that even dead, you never stopped bugging me.
Eve: Alright, it's… a bit funny.
10:18 pm
V: Oksana Astankova
V: Villanelle. Villanelle Astankova.
V: Now that all of this is out of the question, what the hell is gonna be my name?
Eve: Olive Ksana?
V: Olive Ksana?
Eve: O. Ksana? Got it?
V: …Unfortunately, yes.
Eve : Would you rather be Oriana? Ornella?
V: Hm, I could be Italian. My Italian is delightful.
V: If you wanted to change your identity, what would be your name?
Eve: Um.
Eve: Tallulah Shark?
V: Tallulah Shark?!
Eve: Why not?
V: I can't imagine ever having sex with someone named Tallulah Shark.
Eve: Good, because Tallulah Shark isn't interested.
V: What about Eve Polastri?
April 5
10:04 pm
Eve: Villanelle?
V: Yes?
Eve: Still not in the mood for…?
V: For what?
Eve: You know what.
V: Oh, Eve, my little candy apple.
V: How can you hope to be sexting when you can't even bring yourself to say clearly what you want?
V: That being said, your bashfulness when you write is almost as hot as your… wildness on buses.
Eve: You won't be so smug in a minute.
V: Is that so? And what's going to happen in a minute?
Eve: This.
V: … Wow, Eve.
V: You are… Wow. There isn't even a smiley for this.
V: I didn't think you were the type to wear matching underwear.
Eve: I'm not the type to wear matching underwear.
V: Oh, this is just for me then?
Eve: It depends.
Eve: Does it make you want to take it off me?
V: Who are you and what have you done with my Eve Polastri?
Eve: What do you want to do to Eve Polastri?
V: You're killing me.
Eve: I haven't done anything yet.
V: But Eve… I still don't want to do this.
Eve: Oh.
Eve: OK.
V: It's too frustrating, do you understand?
Eve: OK.
V: Can you say anything else than OK?
Eve: OK.
V: Fuck, Eve.
V: I really want you.
V: But I need it to be real.
V: I need your perfume.
V: Your skin.
V: Your hair everywhere.
V: I want you so much I could explode. But when the only coherent word you are still able to say is Villanelle, I want to be there and make it so that you say it again and again and again.
Eve: Damn it, Villanelle.
Eve: If you don't want to do it like this, could you at least have the decency not to tease me?
V: I'm not teasing you.
Eve: Oh my.
April 6
02:05 pm
V: If I kill someone, will you still love me?
Eve: Villanelle, you've done nothing but kill people ever since I've known you.
V: But I've stopped.
Eve: I'm not going to pretend I don't know that you might… Let's say, relapse.
V: And if I stop killing people, will you still love me?
Eve: That's a strange question.
V: I used to be a really fun person, Eve.
V: I was the coolest girl in the world.
V: What if I'm turning into just anybody now?
Eve: I can't imagine in what universe you could be just anybody.
05:29 pm
Eve: Sometimes I have regrets about Alaska.
V: You shouldn't.
V: On second thought, it was a terrible idea.
V: It's so cold up there that you would have been wearing way too many clothes.
09:14 pm
V: Are you rather the classical music type or the hard rock type?
Eve: Um, neither?
V: Eeeve, you have to choose one so I can answer the quiz!
Eve: The quiz?
V: Yes, the quiz!
V: "Are you a good match?"
Eve: Wow, are you that bored?
Eve: Finally got tired of shopping?
V: Never!
V: Would you rather murder someone with a knife or with an axe?
Eve: Is this really in the magazine?
V: … It isn't.
V: But then, they aren't asking any interesting questions!
Eve: I do have a question.
Eve: When you did your little number in my kitchen, with your crocodile tears and your "I need help", did you really think I was going to buy it?
V: Most of the time, the crying gets the job done.
Eve: Did you think I would believe you?
V: Honestly?
V: I would have been disappointed if you had.
11:32 pm
V: What would your friend think about it?
Eve: Dammit, Villanelle – context!
V: Your friend Bill. About what we're doing.
Eve: Oh.
Eve: He would tell me I'm crazy.
V: Fair enough.
Eve: And he would ask me how the sex is.
Eve: So I would tell him I have no idea and then he would say I'm completely crazy to do this if it's not because the sex is amazing.
V: Cool.
Eve: He was very cool.
V: I wanted to catch your attention.
Eve: I know.
V: Do you miss him?
Eve: Always.
Eve: It's silly, but I can't imagine telling anyone else the crazy story that my life has become.
V: Are you mad at me?
Eve: No, not anymore. It would be as ridiculous as being mad at a tiger for eating my hamster.
V: I'm sorry.
V: You know that if it was now, I'd never do it, right?
Eve: Good, because if it was now, I'd never forgive you.
April 7
06:14 pm
V: It's awful, Eve.
V: I'm anybody.
Eve: What are you talking about?
V: I just had lunch with Konstantin and that little bitch Irina.
Eve: Hm, OK. Not sure I'm following you.
V: We had pasta. Bolognese!
V: I peeled some carrots!
Eve: And you didn't stick the peeler into anyone?
V: No, I didn't! Just into the carrots!
Eve: That's very… domestic of you.
V: Oh my god Eve, I'm Niko!
Eve: Did you grow a moustache?
V: Fuck, are you choosing today to make a moustache joke?
Eve: You love moustache jokes!
V: Because I'm usually the opposite of the Moustache!
Eve: Villanelle, did you smoke something?
V: This is why you're not coming, isn't it?
V: Because I've gone soft.
V: And I'm not the big bad wolf anymore.
Eve: What do you want?
V: I told you. What normal people want.
V: To watch movies with my girlfriend. Go the restaurant with her and touch her under the table. Take a walk holding hands. Trip the occasional kid running past us to make her laugh.
V: A nice apartment. A cool pet. A wolf, or – oh! A cobra!
V: A fun job, a bank robbery from time to time because Dior, obviously.
Eve: Wow, do you really think this is what normal people do?
V: I said normal Eve, not ordinary.
11:16 pm
Eve: And how would we name the cobra?
V: Gucci.
Eve: Veto.
V: Veto is really a strange name for a cobra, Eve.
April 8
04:24 pm
Eve: Tallulah Shark?!
V: Quite neat, right?
Eve: Tallulah Shark!
V: It seemed to mean a lot to you.
Eve: Who's going to believe that my name is Tallulah Shark?
V: I don't know, cops, customs officers, librarians… Do you go to the library?
Eve: Nobody will believe it.
V: Oh, they will. These are really good fake papers.
Eve: Dammit, Villanelle, I wasn't being serious!
Eve: Couldn't you just give me some ordinary name like, I don't know, Annie Wilson?
V: You don't look like someone named Annie Wilson at all!
Eve: But I look like someone named Tallulah Shark?
V: Will you stop whining, Tallulah?
Eve: Have another set made for me!
V: My little tangfastic, do you have any idea how much these have cost us?
V: Konstantin wasn't so keen on making some for you too, to begin with. The negociations were hard.
Eve: Hard?
V: I argued for half an hour, beat him at yahtzee, and finally hit him on the head.
Eve: Grumpf.
V: Don't act like a spoiled brat.
V: Did you take a look at the rest of the parcel?
Eve: I did. It's…
Eve: Konstantin?
V: He doesn't know.
Eve: I've never seen so much cash in my life.
V: Which would explain your clothes.
Eve: Fuck you, Villanelle.
V: I was rather expecting a thank you but I suppose that fucking me will do.
V: Don't turn on the phone before you need it.
V: My number is in it. And Carolyn's. Just in case.
Eve: Why such a parcel, Villanelle?
V: Freedom.
V: I ruined your life. I'm offering you a new one.
Eve: What kind of life?
V: The one you want.
V: If you want to start from scratch one day, you can.
Eve: And if I don't want to?
V: Well, you can always buy better wine.
Eve: I don't know what to say.
V: That's a first.
Eve: What about you, what's the name on your new papers?
V: Marilyn Shark.
Eve: Marilyn, of course!
Eve: Wait, Marilyn Shark? What are we, sisters?
V: Oh, Eve darling. Marilyn and Tallulah do things together that sisters are definitely not supposed to do.
V: It's Marilyn Leblanc-Shark, by the way.
Eve: Leblanc?!
V: It's French. Means "the white one".
Eve: I know, thanks. Unbelievable! Why not the French for "the pure one" while you're at it?
Eve: I can't believe it. When did I ever agree to marry you?
V: Tsk, Tallulah asked Marilyn to marry her. Marilyn hadn't seen it coming at all.
V: But it was very romantic. And the diamond is huge.
Eve: … Of course.
April 9
04:14 pm
V: Are you and your mother close?
Eve: During all the time you spent tailing me, have you ever seen me with my mum or talking to her on the phone?
V: No, I haven't.
Eve: No, my mother and I aren't close.
V: Why?
Eve: I don't know.
Eve: She doesn't know me.
V: Mothers, huh?
Eve: Yeah, mothers.
V: What about your father, was he a fun dad?
Eve: Villanelle, what are you trying to do?
V: Isn't it what people are supposed to do at the beginning of a relationship?
V: Confide in each other and try to relate to one another by finding out which life experiences they have in common?
Eve: My god, you have to stop googling stuff!
V: Having a curious and learning-oriented mind is an excellent quality, Eve!
Eve: You were saying… The beginning of a relationship?
V: Looks like it.
V: From what Google says.
Eve: Yes, my father was a fun dad.
V: Yeah!
06:36 pm
Eve: Tell me why all those childish pranks at my house?
V: I think I wanted to be everywhere in your daily life.
Eve: You already were.
V: And I wanted you to be annoyed.
V: I really enjoy annoying you.
Eve: No kidding.
09:48 pm
V: I did cry sometimes when I was a baby.
Eve: Yeah, I suspect you did.
Eve: Why are you telling me this?
V: I just wanted you to know.
April 10
10:06 pm
Eve: How were you feeling, just before going to jail?
V: Confused.
Eve: Did you think about her in there?
V: At first, she was all I could think about.
Eve: And then?
V: And then I picked fights with Nadia to pass the time.
V: And then I had sex with Nadia to pass the time. She was a real wild cat. In two weeks, I turned her into a kitten.
V: But I was still… numb.
Eve: And then?
V: She started yacking about that guy who was going to get her out of here. And then…
Eve: And then?
V: And then I finally had a future.
Eve: You never came back for her.
V: Why would I have come back?
Eve: I'm not talking about Nadia.
V: Oh.
V: I meant to do it later. After my training. After my first mission. After the second one…
Eve: What happened?
V: You started chasing me.
Eve: Oh.
V: As you say. Oh.
V: She believed in God, you know.
Eve: I had never considered it.
V: You've met Anna. Imagine what it's like for a woman like her to cheat on her husband. With a woman. Who is underage.
V: Let me tell you that compared to her guilt trip, yours is a real picnic.
Eve: But she did it, though.
Eve: I mean, she denied it, but you both did have sex.
V: What can I say, I was already irresistible back then.
V: I thought she loved me. Seems to be an unfortunate habit of mine.
Eve: She probably did, in a way.
V: Yeah. She felt sorry for me. And the flesh is weak. I'm really great in bed, you know. It can be pretty addictive.
V: And it's healthier than smoking. You should consider it.
Eve: I would have chosen you.
V: Really?
Eve: I did.
V: You did no such thing.
Eve: Excuse me?
Eve: Two jobs, one best friend, one husband, remember?
V: You lost all those things because you were obsessed by me, that's right.
V: But you're still in London.
Eve: Villanelle…
V: I'm not blaming you, just stating a fact.
Eve: It's just that…
Eve: We're good, aren't we?
Eve: Have we ever been so…
Eve: So good, you and me?
V: Relax.
V: I never really expected you to come.
Eve: Things haven't been so simple for a long time, do you understand?
V: Sounds like you think you are the only one for whom things were simpler before.
V: My life was simple. My mind wasn't cluttered by a million existential questions. Murder, sex, champagne, rewind and start again. See? Simple.
V: The only difference between us is that I love you enough to think it was worth it.
Eve: I think I'll go to bed now.
V: Are you mad?
April 11
09:08 am
V: Seriously, are you mad?
04:22 pm
V: Can we talk?
11:34 pm
V: You promised me you wouldn't disappear.
April 12
11:06 am
Eve: Sorry, those bastards forced me to turn off my phone.
V: What bastards?
Eve: On the plane.
V: Where are you, Eve?
Eve: Cuba.
THE END