You're too important for anyone

You play the role of all you long to be

But I, I know who you really are

You're the one who cries when you're alone

It took some very sweet time but finally the whole traffic started to move and Neal pulled his brain out of the darkness. It wasn't pleasant to fall back into that abyss.

Past was something Neal hated to recall and as much as he could there was nothing he liked too much these days.

Maybe just the few things Peter yet shall to discover, but not that it mattered anymore. Right here and now all that mattered was his status and what will happen when it will change. Because it will one day and Neal did hope with the strongest hope possible that his original deal will stay intact eventually. Even with the rest of the bureau staff that was pulled along with him.

However, when things like presentations and super fancy balls, were thrown at him, in this world, made Neal want to crawl into some dark corner until it was all done.

Something had seriously drowned that old spark for events that the conman used to have just a while ago. Well, on Earth anyway. It still felt too fresh and surreal.

Like how one could be in one place in one time and then suddenly be elsewhere in time that's like absolute science fiction and future?

It was, and still is for the most part, a big struggle to wrap one's mind around it.

Unfortunately Neal's brain literally broke trying to get this sorted. While Peter and the rest of FBI gang seemed pretty much okay in comparison.

Even El and June.

What made Neal different then?

But where will you go

With no one left to save you from yourself

You can't escape

It took the longest time Neal could recall, including his botched imprisonment, to adjust something. As far as he could think of, also including his arrival in NY, he had no doubt of his ability to adjust. He just did jump into any situation and strived to fight it.

Usually even came out of it without any scratch. Keyword being without.

Many times he did come back with more than scratches and less grace he'd consider polite. But only Mozzie was aware of some of that. Many many times even Mozzie knew what Neal had acquired during their both and separate heists. Sometimes it's not even worth mentioning other times close to loosing life. And while Mozzie, or for short time Kate or Alex, witnessed enough of Neal's mishaps none of that ever came to knowledge of the FBI or even Peter Burke personally. And with his involvement with the Bureau came some general tests which Neal avoided greatly by conning and eluding all the things he knew best and so far his records came back satisfactory and he avoided ever mentioning anything to Peter since the agent would jump at it like a dog at a bone.

He couldn't afford that.

Here he had no way to con his way out of anything. Or he suspected his conning days weren't here to come. May e he's even lost his fabulous ability to con people and do all that cool stuff Kate once admired him and Mozzie recruited for. Or that's how he felt for the past whatever much time passed since the arrival. He still kinda liked the place since it still came as best compared to that hellhole he was supposed to live after taking the deal. FBI wanted him to live in a dump unless he found something better minding that he shouldn't find anything. In general he wasn't supposed to be his charming self and let life shine a bit brighter. Like he wasn't supposed to live a life once and for all. And sure Marshall's never went easy on him for being who he was. They kept coming aft his crimes and take away all he hoped to ever have.

Life was never easy for Neal Caffrey.

Where has my heart gone

An uneven trade for the real world

He sighed and looked outside once more, watching scene go by and blurring as his eyes unfocused. Memories of some old times washed over the young man and he lost himself in them.

He was back in the basement he just tried to escape from. The woods got him too confused and pain in his side along with the concussion made his way too blurred to see where he was going. Until something hard made a contact with his jaw and all the light turned off. They found him and he was back in the square one. But this was just his first attempt, he'll sure make more, until he's out.

The hovercraft suddenly hiccuped on the line and stopped with a jump. Neal's eyes shot open wide like saucers and his breath almost got caught in his chest. He could make out muffled beeping over the speakers but his body felt frozen and he couldn't move aside blinking hard and trying to take a breath.

'What the hell was that?' He thought to himself and kept choking on air for a moment longer. It took a while for his heart to stop breaking out of his chest and his senses to return.

The beeping started up again and he realized it was Peter calling to the car. It a last second of ditched attempt to sound presentable Neal hit the green button..

"Hey, Peter, what's up?" he tried cheerful greeting and suppressed his wheeze out of earshot.

"Neal, what took you so long? I'm trying to get you on line for five minutes, is everything okay?" the agent sounded genuinely worried so Neal just fake- giggled his answer and prayed all his old saints the man buys it.

"I'm fine, Peter, I promise. I just zoned out for a second. You know I'm still trying to figure out that case from yesterday and the hung up at the airport kinds threw my process off a bit. I promise I'm okay." Neal slid through his reply as careful as he could noting the fact he still called the place airport while technically it really wasn't just that or any at all. He'd yet to see any actual plane on this planet so ideally it was called just a shuttle station or starbase something. But he hoped Peter will not get stuck on that. While the agent was used to Neal being very on point and precise it wasn't much of that anymore and for some reason he still expected the older man to start teasing him for that. However the agent didn't show any notice in changes of Neal's demeanor so he either been told off by El who was still surprisingly perceptive and caring, or he did not even notice anything.

"Okay, Neal, buddy, I'll trust you." there was a short pause, "It looks like there's still some problems on the road so somebody will be there to pick you up and take you by the ground. Sorry bud, they voted me out so I'll be still hanging back in the place until you get here, I promise to wait up so we can enter together." Peter said and Neal burst out laughing at that image.

"Yeah, I get it tiger, like an old pair of prom girls. You got me there. We ya then." He spit out still laughing and waiting for Peter to catch up on that thought and do his own laughing part. Sometimes it was still like old days.

"Yeah, I guess so. See ya." He ended his part and Neal wiped the tears off his face in case somebody decided to jump in this second.

However nobody did. He sat there slightly reeling, still, for more than what he thought was five Earth minutes until a cop appeared in the window and Neal let the guy in.

Next few minutes were a blur of greetings and explanations as he maneuvered the craft off grid and to the ground for further motion. For Neal it was it however. And gee, he was so grateful for that.

He struggled ever so hard not to show his jelly legs, that shook harder than an earthquake, and hands that couldn't even make fists stable enough.

Something a very long time ago definitely had happened to him to trigger such a strong reaction. He was uneasy in heights for all his con life. It just never got this particularly bad in such specific times.

When he was doing all those crazy heists that involved several creative methods of evading cops he did all those mad stunts by himself and never felt more anxiety than general tickle in his belly and even that he associated with just an excitement rather than a panic attack.

Oh I... I want to go back to

Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

Thankfully it was indeed Jones that came to save the man from the already miserable evening to finally get the thing going so he could be done with it. And while usually it was Neal who took up all the leading parts in conversations and likes this time poor CI felt too shaken to be his old self and seemed the agent didn't much noticed this glitch in the "standard issue of Neal Caffrey".

And he was glad for a moment of familiarity and peace until the night would get shot to hell.

So yes, Neal never expected it to go smooth. First he was an ex-con. Convicted felon on the government and law enforcement leash to be useful in a small way. Harsh comparison as it was but true to the point. He had done few rounds in prison so he was convicted and he was found guilty so it defaulted him in a low role in their barking tree. And, while he was deemed to be very useful as an asset- and let's be honest, he really was an asset in the eye of government because he could use his own skills to redeem himself in a small way simultaneously being helpful in preventing some crime from happening and catching people who already did a crime, which was the whole reason the system does work in the long term as a way of therapy for the said CI while still serving out the sentence- Neal still felt unsure with his place in the system. After the years he'd spent under Peter's watchful eye Neal was getting closer to that point he could honestly believe he's redeemed himself enough to actually begin to trust himself.

He knew that Peter struggled with trusting him and most of the times never achieved that part and many times their discussions ended with angry shouts and hurt feelings and Neal blaming himself for all the mistakes that cost some price.

But even then he still believed deep down Peter still had faith.

Deep down Neal hoped he'd still believed in himself. At least enough to make it through the day. Without getting angry glares and hushed talks behind his back. And without fighting himself on impulse to run every time he got screamed at for screwing up a case or something.

And he'd done few less gracious things too. For example that whole Fowler fiasco. He'd been so, so close to loose his cool. Too close.

He nearly pulled the trigger and ended the hope. Hope to get free. And something told him he's not stranger to addiction and obsession. Two strong things that held variety of chosen drug. For one it was actual drug, for other it was sports. It could be anything starting from healthy things to some truly deeply dark shit. But it was something that was in human nature. To have those two things in more ways than one.

His mind kept traveling back to that strange dream, or maybe… could it be a flashback?

His heart started to beat faster at the prospect of that. What kind of flashback one could have like that? Was it real? Could it be his past? Childhood?

Belatedly Neal recognized his head was indeed spinning. Something wasn't right with him, of that the man was convinced.

Unlike a regular memory this held so much more power over his self control and ability to keep his composure.

"Neal, you can't be serious! That's crazy!" "Kate, I know. But I can't. You know that. It's risky and it's…" "Lies! All lies! It's just another excuse to stuff it in my face that I'm as great as you are and I am inexperienced." "You know it's not true!" "No, I don't!" "Kate!" "No, Neal, you get back of me! You step away and let me go! I will not stay here with you not one second longer, you get it!?" "Kate, stop, wait..!" *bang!*

He blinked his eyes against the car window and squinted at the dark scenery flashing by. What was the memory that he just had?

He definitely didn't recall such fights with Kate, but it was there. And what had escalated between them? What did she do after he grabbed her arm?

He almost felt the pain from the explosion… wait? What explosion?

Neal stifled a gasp and a tremble so Jones probably missed anything as he was conversing over the phone with somebody. The roads were pretty clear and he made no indication he'd like to engage in conversations. He felt so exhausted already.

Was there memories from events he'd blacked over occasionally popping up? That was a possibility he'd consider. In general he knew he stepped off some buss into New York. Almost immediately he picked up street skills and game. And met Mozzie.

Then Mozzie taught him loads of fun, sneaky things, while he hid talent for more intricate ones he claimed to own naturally or praised Mozzie for teaching while realizing one day the little guy see through his little white lies.

Mozzie knew some of their heists didn't end great. For Neal. But to what extent Neal made sure never tell.

Maybe he did a big mistake by not showing more trust to the man that was his only anchor to sanity.

"Out of all the people in my life—Mozzie, even Kate, you know—you're the only one."

"The only one" what?"

" The only person in my life I trust."

"You said good-bye to everyone but me. Why?"

"I don't know." "Yeah, you do. Tell me."

"I don't know, Peter."

"Why?"

"You know why!"

"Tell me!"

" 'Cause you're the only one who could change my mind!"

"Did I?"

"Peter…"

Where will you go (where will you go)

With no one left to save you from yourself

You can't escape

The truth I realize you're afraid (I realize)

But you can't reject the whole world

You can't escape

You won't escape

You can't escape

You don't want to escape