Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
Neal kept expecting something to happen all the way to the building they held the Gala. Something kept nagging at his senses. Jones kept up his gentlemanly manner and didn't bug Neal about his quiet behavior. Maybe the other man understood him or was just really polite. It wasn't unnatural for Neal to sometimes be quiet and closed off. Though it was rare enough for anyone that had spent time with the CI to witness any of that. So basically it was also weird that agent didn't try to make Neal speak.
Maybe he did look bad enough so they didn't push him?
But his musings were short lived as Jones stopped the ride and turned to Neal.
"Man, I know this has been hard time of your life, we've all been through something tough and we each have our own coping mechanisms. I just really hope you are getting help with that processing. And before you say you're fine, don't. I can see you're struggling every day you come to office. Trust me I wish the whole thing was easier on you, I do, but it's all we can do here. So, just hold on, it'll get better." Jones finished his speech with patting Neal on the shoulder.
Neal sighed already feeling better. "Thanks, Jones. It really means so much to hear that. I just can't get used to life like this. I mean the thought that it all just changed so quickly I barely had a moment to gather anything and next thing I knew I'm already on some weird planet and it's like nothing I've known before and then I'm thrown into some lonely room and I barely can talk to anyone. It's not easy, I'll admit." Neal breathed in, "But I'll live. I've been through so much tougher shit, Jones. This is a bit of a struggle, but there's nothing to worry as long as I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. And you guys promised I will. I trust you, all of you. It's the only way here for me. I've got nothing else left. This is just not the world I find my way through." He started to feel incredibly easier just saying those words to someone he'd known for a while and trusted with his life. It begun to make a difference.
"I believe you, Neal. It's not easy. Nobody here feels the same. I can't sleep without a nightmare at least once a night. And then everything else is just too weird. Office, streets, environment, even air." Neal watched the way his friend, yes, he did consider Jones his friend. Like Diana and Peter, even Cruz. He did find those people close. "Neal, even Peter and El struggle. Diana and everyone else from the office. We all do. You're not alone, Neal. Just hold on."
"Thanks Jones. I appreciate your concern. I'm gonna do my best." And he even smiled at the agent. First somewhat real smile.
After their short talk Jones kept driving to the location while Neal mulled over his wild thoughts. His mind kept turmoiling and the whirlpool it usually was kept its state. But his heart felt lighter now. Maybe he just got his reprieve early.
Whichever it was Neal just felt Jones told exactly the right thing and deep down he didn't doubt others struggled as well. It was just Neal's luck to have had his cards dealt the other way.
And he missed everyone only because they were close to him.
Family and friends.
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
If he had to guess the event probably will give Neal some moment to talk to everyone and he mostly hoped to have a word with El. She would know how to help probably much better than some department shrink.
They would probably help each other somehow. And no offense but he wasn't ready to hear Peter's classic 'cowboy up'. It was the least thing he wanted to hear.
Their ride finally came to a stop as Jones killed the engine. Then they both stepped outside. While Neal still had a tracker he felt less leashes than before. And nobody was outside waiting them. No cavalry with blazing guns and handcuffs. It was a nice change. And to that he actually did laugh. A real, true Neal Caffrey laugh. Then it grew into a hysterical laughter and somehow Jones realized what might have gotten the reaction and they both soon were on their knees laughing so hard tears sprung out of their eyes.
Five minutes later Peter came from around the corner and found his two friends and colleagues hysterically laughing and almost rolling on the ground.
He found the sight incredibly lifting. Seeing his friend finally smile and laugh was exhilarating and amusing. After months of seeing Neal putting on a mask of forced normalcy was painful. El kept telling him to keep an eye on Neal and also keep him safe. Which was exactly what he tried to do.
And so far he did well. Though since their arrival he'd never seen his partner happy or genuinely showing joy. Something had happened. Maybe a good talk with Jones.
At least he hoped so. Neal seemed to be more unlike himself since the day. Even himself and others weren't okay after all the evacuation. But Neal was alone. Leashes like a dog and caged up like animal.
And then isolated and kept away from everyone. Peter had learned that lesson long ago. Neal Caffrey just needed people close to him to survive. Like all the years in prison he had Kate visiting every week. When she stopped he escaped to find her. Then she was killed right in front of his eyes and it almost broke the man. He was back behind bars under suspicion of being part of it and then Peter couldn't help. Fowler made it a mess that was just so hard to get out of. And Neal was the one who almost ruined his future. He did some damage just by holding a gun at that scumbag but still it was Peter who was the only one capable to connect. To break through.
It's been constant in their dynamics. Always Peter talking Neal off the ledge.
And that's how it always worked out.
Even the whole island adventure. Taking Neal home. It was, in a way his own fault. He signaled Neal to run, and then he found him, right on time to save him.
Like some weird romance novel but that's how it worked.
The image of the fevered conman almost on his lap, mumbling something in sleep, hair all messed up. His leg did get infected but there was nothing much to do about it. The fever and painkillers made his buddy super doped out. Just like in the clinic. That memory also was just like their whole relationship. Peter once again saved Neal, who was also drugged up, and listened the man admitting his feelings. He didn't remember any of that. But Peter did. Just like in the hangar when he saw his friend doubting his decision to leave with Kate.
Back when he was about to have his future decided. He truly wanted to stay. Even when the Keller came to ruin everything by taking El. Peter still felt guilty about that.
After the hype was over, he noticed Neal trying to hide his pain, both physical and mental, and Peter let him. He was still angry himself, but also shaken. It was only his wise lovely wife telling him that Neal was also hurt because once again something ruined what he'd planned for himself, and that now he probably felt betrayed because Mozzie messed up by taking it while Peter once more blamed Neal even after Neal swore he never took the treasure. Old wounds got torn open.
But Neal always bottled everything up and put a mask on it, it was just the closest could tell the tiniest differences.
Like when Peter accidentally caught Neal sitting at his desk with his hand shaking. Probably he'd never noticed that unless he'd been reaching for his coffee and his eye went straight to Neal's desk. Sure he understood that loss of Kate was affecting the man but he'd chosen to keep it hidden. And later that night he'd confessed El who was super sweet about that, like always, and just hugged Peter so tightly that he felt better.
So seeing Neal struggle every day and not being able to be there for him was painful. Diana once even seriously asked if Neal could be suffering from depression because of what happened. And from that moment he's been watching the man more closely. However with their job it rarely happened like he'd wanted.
But seeing this moment of pure emotion so raw and open gave hope that Neal isn't lost and still has hope to get better. So he smiled, covertly took some visual proof for El, and left quietly.
As he walked back he drew in a hopeful breath and found his wife by the huge glowing tree at the center of the room and smiled at her oh so brightly. Maybe for once things will start getting better….
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
I still remember.