I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
It took some five more minutes in the end for Neal and Clinton to overcome their sudden laughing fit. It felt as hysterical as it was surreal so Neal struggled slightly to grasp what's his life anymore.
"Wow, man, that was weird but fun. I hope you're okay. " Jones said while straightening his clothes. Neal simply grinned at him like old days and took his time to put himself together.
It felt like he just needed this moment to reset his brain for a bit so that he could get that old con mask on. Not that he didn't find this fun or lightening up. On contrary- he felt better. But the problem was somewhere much deeper and darker to just shoo it off like a dust bunny.
"Yeah, Clint, that was great moment. I feel that would be just enough to survive this night and keep all their jewels untouched." He added his own dark humor part and the agent just giggled at that. Sure, for the sake of old days, the inside joke worked lovingly.
With that they gathered the remaining dregs of scattered manners and behaviors and walked inside. Noting that Peter was suddenly absent, Neal kinda expected older man to use a sliver of a time to sneak off to his wife and update her.
Yes, Neal has been off into whatever corner he was but somehow it never made the agent's wife scoot over to the other side. Their relationship outside his corner stayed sane and Neal did all he could to make it best. They were close before and stayed close now. And they needed each other more since the planetary status changed just a smidge too much for one day and many were left with scattered minds and lost thoughts while some didn't move a hair for that.
It was indeed funny how people took to such changes. And while Neal was never like that something over the years had changed and maybe he wasn't as young anymore and age did this strange stuff to humans but his emotions became pretty hard to understand and control.
It surely had a huge connection to the loss of Mozzie, his longest and strongest friendship in his entire life, or at least the part he could actually remember. Because, yes, Neal suffered from some sort of memory loss he managed to keep hidden from literally every single person in his life except for the little, conspiracy theory supporting man that took Neal in straight from the street and helped to shape Neal into something. Mozzie was the only person in the entire world that would always understand Neal in so many ways the younger man never had a shadow of a doubt regarding his friend.
But ever since Neal was catching up with the FBI and Peter specifically that whole dynamic changed a lot. They did get their clashes once in a while. Though generally it was all somehow balanced out.
All until the literal shit hit the fan way too soon and faster than they could prepare. And then all their lives changed majorly for the first time. Mozzie was scolding Neal like a kid stealing candy off the shelf for a very long time. Then shit happened some more and Kate became his sole existence somehow.
Sometime between Neal popping up on FBI radar and Peter actually collecting the con few things happened.
One was in the middle of the European heist when they raided several old castles around Scandinavia and British lands before moving towards southern regions. Old Europe provided loads of hunts and stuff. All the things to keep Mozz busy and Kate distracted while dropping off radar and Alex.
Neal suffered injury from a fall and until he was capable to function he pretended to be all over the place. Nobody knew what happened and he never found a reason to tell.
And by the time Interpol was slowly catching their scent the group went back and laid low for a moment.
They went off to Mexico after that and did few heists there when somebody felt the need to blow a whistle and Neal decided to run by his own terms. He needed time and a way to escape some flash of what he deemed a memory from his mysterious past. When that was past he concluded some business in the north and made a few dumb decisions that led to a whole month in the wild and later made him regret ever trying anything in the less sophisticated regions.
By the time his fellows returned from the land of no rules he also was back as if nothing happened and cheeky as usual.
One thing happened though. Which led to another one and ended up in a very bad place and some darkness slipped through Neal's usually bright personality.
He'd decided to keep that locked away forever however the recent changes in lifestyle had him flashing back to that second time and also begin to feel the first time.
And now he was sitting there like a duck and hoping the hunters would pass. In other words- somebody knew something and wanted to speak to Peter about Neal's little secrets.
Because he already recognized the only person who could tell Hughes and Burke and the rest of the bureau's hands and then the water would be licking his face already. He was sinking and way too fast for his liking. Also it all made him long for Mozz even more. Even June could be appreciated as a buffer. El could too but Neal valued his second chances too much.
And he hoped to all saints that Keller was indeed dead and stayed that way. Their last encounter was rough on Neal's part and unfortunate on his. Last he heard the guy was in prison for long haul. Which didn't always mean that's what gonna happen.
However they had a massive fallout that resulted in El being kidnapped and Peter accusing Neal for stealing the U-boat treasure and lying. But whatever the con said never changed a thing.
Peter came home to active scene and pushed Neal painfully into the wall and nearly made the mistake he'd regret more than anything else. But Peter has been stronger.
And Neal has suspicions of Mozzie being too pushy. He kept pushing Neal to decide whether to stay or leave and it didn't bode well. Because it meant one- Mozz was into deep shit and had all that treasure with him. Eventually Neal had deemed correct and while he never planned to leave the state he had to make Mozz come back for El. And that was basically his own fault while still being more the little man's fault.
It was possibly just another thing on Neal's plate he'd never stop feeling guilty ever.
And Peter always makes sure Neal knows he should never stop feeling guilty. Because even time cannot erase that horror.
But Peter never ever heard or found out what truly happened to Neal while with Keller. Because he decided nobody needs to know that. Even if it became a big hinder for further work. But that also was something Peter wasn't supposed to know. Even Mozzie.
One frekkin' castle in Northern Europe and that damn heist that went so wrong that even Mozz , had he known, wouldn't find a better way. And Neal took a great flight through an ancient chute that led to a cliff side above the forest. While it was possibly greatest slide in his life it was also a greatest fall to the ground Neal recalled ever experienced in his life.
He hit the ground with such force his body literally flicked off switch for couple days. Neal's whole body rattled so hard he fell into coma for longer than he needed nor wanted. Luckily Europe was slightly safer even in the summer so he survived just laying there under some low bushes.
Waking up was a long process and he made it into a week long process to become aware again.
Concussion was terrible, his smashed lungs rattled in his shattered chest, but the empty feeling aside those two regions was extremely unnerving. He could feel bones grinding with every breath he inhaled. And the con fell back into the darkness for some more. Only months later Neal discovered the truth about that fall and it made him avoid all medical exams even more. He'd been broken, like an old doll that kid throws away once the childhood ends. Broken like an old wall clock that tells the time wrong despite all.
He'd felt it, deep inside, the silent scream of his worst pain that never made through his synapses. His brain was swelling and pushing out of the shell his skull was, as if breaking free would help that much. His lungs had been bleeding and hurting but the conscience was no longer there.
He'd spent a week laying in the forest until all the broken pieces got attached back and all the injuries healed. How- was still that question that bugged Neal in the darkest nights.
And then he forgot. All washed away by one of those blackouts. With that most of his memory from his Europe trip. Nothing.
And then prison kinda flashed by his unseeing eyes in one swift week and Kate was leaving. Forever.
It broke the man more than he admitted. Even Peter held no idea Neal suffered blackouts and that all the jail time was barely a flash. And then another flash and he was sitting on the floor of their old apartment with Peter entering the place as incredibly deep, dark pain crossed the man's heart and his soul cracked a bit. The agent never realized what it felt to Neal.
And then it was just another blink and that moment got washed away. He was back in and talking Peter into this deal. Next thing was the first case and from then on his awareness held for most time.
He couldn't tell why it was so fluctuating and what he should take from that fact. Until Kate blew up and his awareness faded long enough for pain in his heart subside and deeper, darker things crawled out making Neal fall back into reality and catch his darker side crash through a window and hold a loaded gun in a man's face. That moment there on spot when he was taken away Neal felt just so, so lost he let himself cry a bit. And later he let himself cry all that pain out until all he could was to slide down some random tree in the park and fall unconscious. How nobody decided to check his location or disturb the random passes out man in the park was beyond any residing logic. That stayed with him as one of the big wonders of the planet so he felt content.
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
So another thing in between was his mysterious illness. One more thing that just happened and then sorted itself out like no evidence left behind.
Also another thing he'd faded through from all he could tell.
And yet, Peter wasn't aware Neal ever had taken a plunge in any of the rivers that crossed the island. Not reached inland.
Especially after the Hamptons Long Con and Heist failed to happen. Or at least didn't even get further than few thousands and couple months in. Maybe he should've had asked Mozzie what happened there despite the older man forbidding ever touching the topic.
And then somehow all things came to one crashing memory that revoke that blackout. The literal suffocating thing he pulled off on a case with Peter. A guy had a nice comic room that held crazy security feature which they had to use therefore Neal being the ever the Prince Charming allowed Peter get all the air supply they've been given and let himself suffocate until cavalry arrived to make arrests and save them. And for whatever seconds or maybe minutes he was out awakening made it super creepy and for another level of messed up illogical until flashback caused Neal to throw up and faint some.
But the moment somebody tried to dive into the problem Neal was up and about and told everyone it's all great and that only his head was slightly aching. Whoever witnessed it all and then decided to let it go was either an angel or hid some misaligned intention Neal never wanted to know about.
Because he relived a memory of scary nature and his body reacted badly. Which was natural. Reaction not the memory.
For some reason he'd yet again floated after some traumatic event that caused a major injury occur and then heal on its own. To some extent it made sense but more often than it did this sense was taken away.
Like for instance how it was even possible to get shot, cause fire and be blasted away in an explosion before getting his body slammed into a cold, dark water and basically drown in one damn night?
And how it was even remotely realistic to survive all that with merely a scratch on his body?
Well, for most part all the scars were on the inside. All the broken bones on the inside, nothing poking through his skin. A relief for one, terrible scare for another. Neal was terrified to even know a reason why there was not a visible scar on his chest while he could vaguely tell one on his thigh from the island adventure and some on his temple from where a painting framing made a dent in his skull by Keller's hand or the bloody hairline crack his first choice of banger stick was to wack Neal out to take him hostage.
It also revealed how good Neal was with guns of which Peter still had shared feelings. He'd seen once what Neal was capable and then glimpsed few more times. And then it became some sort of relief for the agent as Neal kept saving his life. All the while risking his own.
But that never explained the fact he'd gone through some ringer before being greeted by some dark, deep waters and later washed out on the shore to be enveloped by frigid winter frost that basically made Neal cryo-sleep until he was okay enough to survive absolutely horrid pneumonia. Which was strange and way too much for the man.
At least this was sort of hope that it won't happen again and his life will get better. Even if without some of the people he once had in his life…
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare