When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

For whole minute Noel didn't know what to do. The young man so similar to his Nate was breaking apart right in front of his eyes and he felt so helpless. He partly wished for his old gang there to help deal with this. Not that Noel was emotionless or couldn't feel sympathy for others, he just struggled with his own mental issues enough to last a lifetime or five, so how he was supposed to help anyone else at this point?

Still, he had enough experience and knowledge to guide someone out of panic attack. So that's what he ended up trying to do, but the man was falling deeper into his own world and barely reacted. Well, at least he wasn't suffocating anymore. Which in Noel's book was a step forward.

However, he was still stuck in this lone hallway, somewhat helpless himself, trying to make sense of this mystery man and help him. It was surely not comfortable for any of them. So he did only thing that made sense at the moment- he locked his wheels and pushed himself out of the chair, on the floor. Then he pulled the young man into an embrace and started softly hum a tune from his time at the camp.

It was once a very sad song they used to sing whenever they cuddled all up together and felt more miserable than usual. That was a song about someone possibly coming to terms with grief because of loosing someone and most times they were grieving about one thing or another. Mostly of their lives. Or a lost kid. Later it became just that sad song striking them at those cold nights on lone, dark rooftops, on long ago departed buildings. And it felt like a promise for them that one day they will be fixed enough to have a life they all longed for so badly.

He usually sang it to himself when his depression hit especially tough note on his ship day. A quiet lullaby for when the booze ran out and sleep still couldn't come fast enough.

And it also was for times the memory of Samara cane too hard to deal with.

When the tears come streaming down your face

'Cause you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

What could it be worse?

He wasn't that much for music but there were times it was the only way he could deal. So he did pick up a vocal part in his somber voice. He wasn't the best singer out there but back in the day he could carry a tune just as well. Maybe not anymore but it still was there, deep in his chest.

And the man in his hold was slowly relaxing and after few moments joined in. Slightly cracking, weaker, but little higher note, than Noel but the voice was slowly warming up. And it seemed the guy knew it as well, because he wasn't struggling with lyrics.

So they kept singing it, with each part getting stronger and clearer. And now Noel was shocked how much the man not only looked like Nate but also sounded. They had same vocal range and all. And it took Noel by surprise but he kept going.

After a while, and possibly fifth time going through the song they both were calling it quits.

Tears come streaming down your face

When you…

"How come you also know this one?" Noel asked without much thought.

"Dunno, just know and that's it. I may have heard it before , but I can't remember. I have lost my memories." Neal replied and felt like he possibly had some moments in his childhood. "I know it's classic now, like all the things that once were modern on Earth."

"Geez, you're from the latest group, aren't you?" Noel asked genuinely.

"I think so, yes. We were just at the office when the orders came in and I barely had time to get my stuff. Actually I have to ask Peter if they kept my belongings. I've been kept in isolation ever since, and not even sure how much time has gone by." Neal's voice told of long carried sadness and despair, all things Noel kept alive all his life.

"You're with those agents?" He more stated the fact, obvious but maybe just to himself, than actually asked.

"You could say that. I'm actually not a real agent." Neal told, " I'm just a consultant for the FBI. I used to be a criminal until one of the agents got me and I made a deal. I became a CI on parole, had to wear an anklet for two mile radius in New York. Became friends with the agent and his wife, even their dog. When we were here they said I'll be able to keep that but before they ended some arrangements to get done and all sorted out, so they kept me in the building, gave me a small place and let me out only for work needs." The tears came pouring but silent, they ran down his face and soaked into his suit fabric. All the pain leaking out. " I couldn't even see them outside work. Only Peter and his team, not his wife nor dog. And I think I let it all go…" his voice trembled now, giving away how much it affected him.

"I can relate, man, truly." Noel offered. It was a well familiar feeling he's been struggling with for so long. "I'm Noel by the way." He added.

"I don't really know what to do now. " Neal said, then added, "I'm Neal."

"Glad to meet you, Neal." Noel said and squeezed slightly more. "You're going to be alright, I know. Been through a lot in my life and I intend to stick it out for a while longer."

"Why do you sound like you plan to die soon?" Neal asked, his curiosity taking over his immediate sadness.

"Well, I've been in this long enough and I highly doubt I wanna rot on some ship out in the space. Been having too much time to ponder my ways of going." Noel said with a careless shrug. Not that he felt the life held much for him anymore.

"Dude, sorry for being absolute ass, but that's not a good mindset." Neal suddenly felt like a complete ass without any manners left to his name. Maybe his emotions were in the way but it sounded like he wasn't the only one with a shitload of stuff that could bring down even the toughest.

"Oh don't be, I'm okay with my shit so it's nothing to worry about. I was dead before until they decided to keep me alive. Besides there's not many left I care about in this world." And it was true, the only person he did care about probably will never see him again. That is if their sort-of plan failed because of those douches in the throne.

"What, you wanna convince me you've got nobody in your life? That's like cheesiest movie I've ever known." Neal was getting intrigued, this man was speaking like he just thought of himself, which was not a small thing.

"I do. But so far it's just one person left and I'm not even sure he's here or anywhere near. I was hoping to meet him but the assholes up there won't let me anyway, and you see-" he pointed at his chair, " I'm kinda stuck here and with them anyway. So not a lot to loose."

"Wow pal, that's sappy and all, but do they really can keep you on a leash like that?" Neal only then noticed the wheelchair by their feet, but hearing superiors could be this mean to someone felt like a whole lot of story behind it.

"In my case they can, and they do that with pleasure. " Noel said, knowing the following may sound familiar for the guy. "See, I was a criminal myself. A very long time ago, and lifetime I can barely connect to anymore, I did many things to survive. I was trained to be a soldier since birth, basically, and they put a fucking amount of shit through your mind. Something I don't wish upon. And once we, I had some friends to join, decided to change that path so we escaped and lived in freedom for long enough to dream bigger." Noel almost drowned in the flashbacks from that time, long lost with all the naivety they once shared. "So one day we snuck up on some ship, the three of us, and hid in the cargo until we got off on some planet. We knew that something was up and basically at the camp they told and taught us stuff that was space related, so it wasn't like we were lost there. From there the great adventures begun until we came to this planet and after a while some serious shit ended just a bit too bad for us. The girl was gone, she was either dead or escaped, I was thrown off the high building by their force shield going off and exploding. Nate, my, uh, well, lover…" there Noel slightly paused with the whole thing. Not just emotions getting in the way but some weird fear of being judged snuck in as well. "He was pretty much electrocuted. From there we got in deep shit. However one guy from Fleet pulled some shit and I wasn't convicted the second I woke up from coma. They allowed me to go through couple years of recovery before stuffing me on ships. Obviously since my disability they couldn't rest my case, and the guy was insistent Fleet gets my talents so there was the deal on the table and I got tethered to Fleet until they decide I can go and be free. I've seen Nate since then and I miss him but he's not free either, he's also deemed criminal because he fled the hospital after waking up. And to him being not tied meant more. But I know he's still on some wanted walls across the universe so we hoped to break it once and for all. I know he's sick and has no money to get better so he steals stuff in exchange for some time, it's been his way of doing things. Past was hard for him, so he just tried to be free. He became adventurous sneaky bastard while I became sappy old asshole of a boyfriend with issues past dealing." Noel ended up his story with weirdest feeling of ease. Maybe it was how they started this whole thing, but maybe something deeper was going on, he couldn't tell. But one thing Noel knew immediately, his life was changed by this man beside him and now they had something to share.

"Wow, that's a lot to handle, I agree. But I can tell a story too." Neal offered kindly. Not that his story was any more exciting at some point or something he tried to seek attention for. He just felt some weird trusting and something else he could not put a finger on coming from the guy. And he felt much better already, no wonder after all the sharing some of his burden he felt the heaviness lifting some. "Well, my childhood is still kinda mystery to myself and since there's nobody left to tell me it I'll leave it be, for now, but what I do know is that at some point I came to NY for a change. I came looking for fresh start and then I found it. I didn't have it anywhere fancy but it was kinda my thing." Neal paused for a second and laughed momentarily. "Actually I was a con-artist. I have no clue how or why but I just knew stuff. I had incredibly good hand for pockets, fabulous sense of style, eye for people and surprisingly wide range of art knowledge. And I learned fast and adjusted very well. So I ran into this little bald guy on the street and beat him in some game and the rest is history." At that he huffed a small laugh again. Yeah, those had been times. At least as far as his mind could allow him to remember.

"Yeah, well, something's not right up here," he pointed at his head," so I cannot really tell all that part. Basically we hit it up pretty much immediately and got some jobs done before he, he went by Mozzie, got us this one job that was promising enough. But.." here Neal had to take a second because this one was gonna be rough one. "Long story short, it went sideways because the guy conned is all and left hanging. It was a loss, but now we were three. His secretary caught my eye and my foolish heart fell for her so hard I'm ashamed of myself now. To be honest for many years I couldn't even face it but I was conned by her. Kate, was her name. And she went along for so many cons as if it was her nature. I should've seen it coming long before. And while I still struggle with that I've come to terms with that. " he swallowed the pain that cane with it and then plowed on. "I was soon noticed by the FBI and had to run low, but I wasn't hiding it scared. Guess my youth made me more careless for my own life. Basically I led some years of thrill of a con and high of being chased by this agent until he used Kate and caught me. And I went to jail for four years. Well technically I left with four months still to serve but, you know, I wasn't considering all of the consequences because at that time my mind and heart was in a twist." Neal snort-laughed and shook his head at that, he'd been idiot for so long. Maybe he was younger than he thought even if it felt ages ago. "So she broke up with me but I was too naïve and thinking more than there was. Eventually I became a CI for FBI and had to serve four years of that sentence on parole. I did well, until Kate was back and a whole lot of drama ensued with tragic outcome that rendered me slightly useless and shortly imprisoned. It did work out until next shitshow happened and led to loads of mistrust between me an Peter. And one thing was sure- if Peter Burke was having trust issues with me before they turned even worse after that. Sure I was quite ruffled myself- that's another story altogether. But eventually I had one last escapade that landed me in some danger but Peter eventually worked with Mozzie and brought me home- another story for another day, preferably rainy one." Neal grinned.

Noel listened and felt the feeling of some connection forming getting stronger. Then he realized Neal's voice was getting croaky so he pulled the chair up and rummaged through his backpack for some water that he offered Neal. He was due for meds himself so he decided to pop his meds while he was at that.

Neal just looked at him while trying to be polite.

"So that's one adventure of a life you've got there, Neal. I gotta say we both kinda end on a sappy note." Noel chuckled and threw his stuff back in the bag. He noted that it was almost time to get back before they both are claimed MIA.

"Well, there I can agree. However it's just sort of what I do know for sure. Recently I've been having more trouble to keep things in my brain." The CI said but then rolled his shoulders as now their embrace was broken. "See, I have been having blackouts since I remember. I haven't told anyone, well, now you. And since coming here it's been really bad. I have no idea if my migraines are connected to that but it's been hard. And keeping this from everyone has been really hard. I also suffered some injury once on a con that Mozz wasn't talking about but I suspect it was something about my back. Actually he never talks about what happened but I just calculated I was out for couple months. It's sometimes so crazy I can even get if I'm crazy or what." Neal sighed and rubbed his face with both hands. He felt the tear stains on his skin and it burnt his soul.

"Listen, we should probably go soon, I sense we'll be on wanted list if we don't. But how about staying in contact? If you don't mind." Noel said hopefully. He couldn't just let the guy go, not after knowing more and doing some digging. The way he strikes resemblance with Nate still rattled the older man. But now he was also truly intrigued by this one.

"Yeah, we should. Peter will be quite pissed at me for going off like that. And believe he can be suspicious even here." Another chuckle and Neal started to pick himself off the floor. That was where all his vertebrae began complaining rather loudly and popped all the way until he was up on his feet. And the slight dizziness crept in as well. Which wasn't a new thing. He wasn't that old yet but he had some injuries here and there, and as someone not on the friendly side of the law most of all that had gone by self-medication.

And not just the back, his leg, while initially hadn't been shot in the bone, turned out to be more injured than it appeared to be. Now it was complaining too, among other parts of his body.

And just as he was about to say something all the air got stuck in his lungs and coughing fit took over. It wasn't much but startling nonetheless.

"You okay?" Noel asked, still on the floor, as Neal obviously appeared in some sort of situation there. He was still on the ground himself and at this point getting up would be a colorful feat by its own standards.

Thing with Noel was that while he could walk and move he still had problems that wouldn't just go away.

"I'm okay." Neal replied and immediately was brought back to one time he was rather sick and close to dying. He rarely thought about that time and certainly never mentioned it to Peter who returned the favor. Mutual agreement not to ever mention it.

But he didn't come out too shiny though. He'd been coughing here and there for a while, even after pneumonia was dealt with. And he's never really been that sick before. "You need help with that?" Neal asked pointing at the chair.

Noel shrugged it off at first but caved in moments later. He wouldn't manage to get up by himself. Out and down was always easier than up and in. Especially him lacking some muscle from the force field explosion and rather disgraceful flight from a rooftop. "Sure bud, just lemme position myself." Noel got to place his chair the way he needed and grabbed his legs. By this time they'd gone sleep and he so didn't look forward to pins and needles in few seconds. But while it was annoying sensation he was glad to feel it at all. "Okay, go. Just try to get me off the floor a bit so I can grab these and I'll be good." He instructed and for some reason felt as natural as if they'd be washing dishes. Which was odd for him.

"Alright." Neal simply said and rather efficiently picked Noel up and without any issue put the man into the chair.

Noel was silently surprised about how easy Neal had picked him up. Not exactly what he'd requested but not the man to complain. Maybe it was because the man looked less muscular and somewhat gaunt for the strength he was showing. But he wasn't one to judge. "Thanks man, all set. We should probably wash up some. Wouldn't want to look all red eyed and blotchy for our watchful falcons." Noel almost giggled at the sole imagination of that scene. He sure would get the mean eye and some scolding from either the admirals or captains. Which on any given day would be fun to entertain just not this one. It could end up in more ways than one and that was more than he'd planned or wanted.

"So, uh, you can walk some but not much, or the peanut gallery decided you'd run to bar way too fast for them to catch you?" Neal shot a sudden question. It was kind of his style to ask questions and once upon a time he used this approach and sometimes it got a bit less comfortable than a simple verbal reply. Something about the just met man in the shadowy hallway in the most vulnerable moment felt oddly soothing and encouraging. And the speed Neal got distracted from his misery and the equally fast recovery was something that made him really curious. Like more than just a passing interest.

"Well, to be honest, I can walk. I can feel my legs, well mostly for sure. But as my medical records state technically I'm still quadriplegic which means I shouldn't be able to even move my arms. And if we are going by the book then I'm C3 or something quadriplegic. Because something did break in my neck a bit and squeezed some shit in there. Also I broke my back few spots down the drain so I'm also paraplegic. Somehow this diagnose never defined me. I can walk, I can move, all sorts of things, just sometimes my legs struggle to get all the signals through and half of that gets either rerouted or delayed. Just like post office on Christmas weekend. And sometimes my nerves just decide to play some good old buzzer or poker or shit and I cannot even move. It's all been through hard work. I did so much physical that if it was needed I'd be able to endure olympics or some shit. Physically I'm rather impressive specimen, actually what my funny doc said when I was signing my release papers. But it's passing and depending on some moods. Mentally though, I wish I could be anywhere near that level." he shrugged a bit. Like it was no big deal. "My mind was broken more than my body. And I haven't nor ever will recover. But I'm okay with that. It's just the attitude I get. Like when I came in from the boarding and got distracted and my body just dropped. I mean can't they show any respect whatsoever?" He was getting back to his point where he actually had a fleeting thought of a con of his own kind.

"Wow, that's impressive. I wish Moz had taken me to doctors when I had some misfortune. But I've been avoiding doctors because I'm scared they'd find some shit Peter would yell at me for hiding and, believe me, passed off Peter isn't one to see in person." Neal was amazed by the ease and sarcasm Noel spoke. Usually people were scared and moody about such things but not this guy obviously. The level of attitude was incredible. And maybe that was the vibe Neal was getting. "Ah, I guess that was reason why the port was sort of packed. All we got was the claim of medical crap while we waited to get on that investigation before this sparkle show came to town."

Noel chuckled at that, "Ah, sure it must've been me. I like to to gather crowds for my performances sometimes. Year in a tin can dropped into dark, cold abyss can make you a bit stiff." He told and found his sarcasm really funny. But then he was rolling down the way and waving Neal at the door. He wasn't in need of a piss nor Neal was. But judging their faces they needed desperate wash. So he just pulled Neal in and shut the door. After all it was a roomy place with big ass sink and way fancier soap and towels, why to let it waste when he could share the disabled benefits. "Sass aside, yeah, had some trouble after shuttle. Didn't take my meds as I was supposed and it took a nosedive. Babysitters will probably poke me now again. But never mind, I get attention even if I don't do anything. A small faint made them go overboard only because they thought I was drunk and made scene just to spite them, quite grey morning if you'd ask me, but they really hate if I make scene in public." He kept talking and felt oddly at ease. This stranger was doing weird shit to infamous Narcho- most grumpy man in the space with killer sarcasm. He was just babbling like an old cat lady.

But high up above or down below

When you are too in love to let it show

Oh but if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

For that he finally splashed his face and foamed up the soap as Neal did same. Then they washed up for a while and cooled off their splotches with cold water. Which was only possible thanks to two faucets that the humongous sink sported. And neither showed any song of even slight uncomfortableness. They seemed alright.

Eventually their time will finish running out and their paths will separate. Just like it was in his life when he finally got to something at some level good it came to crash down hard and fly sideways. All the good things comes to an end either anyone wanted it or not. It was just the circle of life.

One neither man had fondest memories.

Noel still had to get away and still make it to colony planet before shit hit the fan and his life will drag him back to reality. Admiralty wouldn't let neither of them go free. So yeah, Noel had known that when the bell rings he'd go. And Nate had confirmed it too. However, Nate's bell may ring slightly sooner than his.

Neal felt the conflicted emotions inside the man next to him but in their situation it was not even physically possible to change any of that. Neal had noticed the stares and castaway glances and he could tell something about his appearance made some waters to flush up. But even if Neal could recall all his shenanigans he felt if they actually had been familiar it was in the part of Neal's memories he had lost. Which was another complete mystery.

However the factor that came to some countries was that song. It was not main pop culture anymore, he believed it was older song but the way it was sung made chills flow over his skin. And that was actually a sign of something way more deeper.

So that he will have to process later tonight or maybe over the weekend, if Peter will leave him be.

Right now his anxiety was directed towards the repercussions, if any, and FBI stares as he would return to his seat.

Mysteriously, though, Neal was feeling better. This Noel guy had done nothing much but it was enough for Neal to regain his composure and some control. A small step but a hope enough. And what if that was all Neal needed for long enough to survive until his final hearing and evaluation? What if the whole situation was just in his head?

He couldn't believe this night was having such turns before the official part being over. Well, just about all Caffrey charm was about. Peter would find this hilarious.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you