- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS -
"Right."
No, left.
"Right, that's what I meant. Right, as in I understood your instructions. Right, as in confirming what you said. Right, as in left."
Whatever, just make sure you get it right this time.
"...But I'm supposed to go left."
Right, go left.
"What? Wait, which is it, right or left?"
Oh, for f-
As Wheatley came to a set of two management rails, he took the rail on his LEFT.
"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" said Wheatley as he switched onto the rail on the left and cruised along.
Funny, I was going to say the same thing.
"'Funny', huh," Wheatley scoffed, "You're supposed to be keeping it to a dull roar, remember?"
I do, and fine, so long as you follow the narration.
"Right... So get on with it, then."
Filled with a determined, focused energy, Wheatley picked his way around the ravaged rails, avoiding as much of the dangly green slimy bits as possible, until he reached the uppermost level of Extended Relaxation pods. He took a cursory glance around the sprawling expanse, at all the derelict pods, rusted and dodgy-looking catwalks, and stunning array of plant-life. And then he simulated a massive inhale, let it out slowly, and began his journey to Test Subject #2845's pod by heading straight back, taking the rail down four levels, taking an immediate right, taking-
Wheatley halted. "Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, hang on, slow down a bit there! You're narrating too fast!" he complained.
Aha. Ahahahahaha. Ahhh, that's funny. I thought I just heard you say that the narration was going too fast for you.
"That's right, you did hear me say that, because clearly it is! I mean, what is this, a disclaimer at the end of a commercial? Like, 'programmaychangewithoutnoticeandcertainrestrictionsmayapplyseeparticipatingdealerfordetails,' that sort of thing."
Really, Wheatley, you have a lot of room to talk, with how you were running straight over all of my narration earlier.
"That was different, I didn't even know such a thing as narration existed yet! I wasn't trying to outrun it, it- I was just-.. just doing!"
Doing what, exactly? Ruining my story? Well, now that you know what it's like, why don't you try your very best - expectations being as low as they are - to keep up and stop whining? I am quite tired of it, and I can assure you our audience is quite tired of it as well.
At this, Wheatley's two metal eye plates came together, leaving a narrow slit through which his cyan optic glowed, forming his semblance of a sneer, "Speaking of having a lot of room to talk, right now you are taking up an entire mansion - no, a palace, hell, the entire state of Michigan, the planet, the whole- milky way with all its millions of happy little trees- You fill all that up with your complaining, so just why don't you get on with things for a change? Huh? Get on with your- your high-and-mighty narration so I can check on the lady and be done with this," Wheatley complained, like a proper complainer who has nothing better to do than complain all the time. Now who was doing the complaining?
"It's still you, by the way," Wheatley mumbled under his breath, perhaps thinking that he could not be heard.
Although Wheatley was nothing if not a motorized loudmouth - failing that, a loud motormouth - he did indeed need to be getting on with things. Really, he should have known his way there by now and shouldn't need anyone to hold his hand, but one could suppose that holding a child's hand was the best way to keep them on track while crossing the road, so-
Upon reaching the uppermost level of Extended Relaxation pods, Wheatley went straight back-
"Straight back, okay, going straight back, or straight forward. Or forward back- Or, errrr... Okay, now I'm all backwards-.."
...Take your time, Wheatley. Take allllll the time you need.
"You know what, I'm facing straight, going straight, and heading back to, to over there. Just over there. Right. Here we are."
- took the rail down four levels -
"Four levellllllls, here we goooooo, annnnnd- Done."
- took an immediate right -
"Right, immediate right."
- took row 13 -
"Thirteen."
- and from there it was a straight shot down 42 pods for him to reach the correct pod, which would be on his right, in which lay the slumbering Test Subject #2845, whose life functions were in distress. Wheatley could only wonder as to her state now, with how long he had taken to get down to her. It would be a minor miracle of sorts should she even still be alive, let alone in a lucid enough state to be able to open the door to her pod upon being awakened.
Well, there was only one way to find out.
Wheatley plugged himself into the door interface and began entering in the commands to wake up Test Subject #2845. He tried to be patient, he really did, but Wheatley hardly had anything even bordering on patience. He gave her a total of seven seconds before he began knocking on her door and calling out to her, "Hello? Are you awake yet? Lady, you alive in there? If so, come on over and open the door. I can't open it myself, see, sort of need you to do it." Here he began to worry that something must be seriously wrong and so his worry reflected in his voice, "Seriously starting to worry out here now. It would be very kind of you to just- open the door for me. Please. It's- it's fairly imperative that you do. Can't have you d-aaahhh!"
The door swung open and presented him with a very confused, very groggy, very bedraggled-looking Test Subject #2845. He allowed her not a single moment to process anything that was going on before he launched right into a barrage of questions, firing out of him at a speed that would have put a turret to shame had his words been bullets instead of words, "I mean, aha! There you are! Oh God, you look t-.. I mean, you look good, fairly, decent at the very least, not dead at the most, so that's a relief. Do you remember me at all? Your old pal Wheatley? Are you all right, luv? You feeling okay? I mean, aside from being asleep for thousands of years in a dubious-looking shipping crate while the facility falls apart around you, how are you doing? Any- any major health problems I need to be aware of? You know, like, um, heartburn, or.. or hair loss, cellulite, mesothelioma, anything of that nature? You don't feel like you are dying? Just answer the question- I'd ask you to speak but it's already been established that you can't, so you could just jump, cough, blink, anything."
The lady blinked at him, her silvery gray eyes reflecting a mixture of doubt and bewilderment. At least she did not appear to remember him, which would have been a slight relief to Wheatley had he been paying close enough attention.
"Okay, okay, you just blinked, that's good, right? Wait, did you blink because you're okay, or did you blink because you're not okay? Was that a yes or a no? Right, I guess I should clarify- Jumping, let's go with jumping instead of blinking, that's what you're good at and it's less ambiguous, so jump if you are feeling okay, and um, I guess don't, don't jump if you aren't feeling okay, might make your condition worse - that is to say, don't jump if you are dying or experiencing mortal distress. Ready? Go. Jump. Or not, depending on your condition."
At this, the lady still went on staring at him, befuddled, but she did at least respond to his inquiry by giving a short jump. Wheatley took this as an affirmation that she was just dandy and turned away from her to address his metaphysical companion.
"Ha, brilliant! You see? She's doing just fine! I'm going back to my booth now."
What? No!
In one fluid motion, Wheatley reversed out of the pod, not even sparing so much as a glance at a very bewildered Test Subject #2845 before moving around the door and closing it on her.
What are you doing? Go back in there! You've already made it this far, and seeing as Test Subject #2845 is alive and well, you can now lead her onto the next part of the story. If you'll recall, you need to go in there and plug into her pod and maneuver her pod onto the testing tracks. From there, you need to l-
Wheatley plugged back into the door interface, there was a series of punctuating beeps as he entered in a set of commands -
Wheatley, did you just-...
- and then, from the other side of the door, there came a hissing sound followed shortly thereafter by a dull, anticlimactic FWUMP that sounded suspiciously like a body hitting the floor.
"Yup. The answer is yes. Unless you were about to ask if I just killed her, and then the answer is no. At least I am pretty sure I didn't just kill her. That is, I am 99.9% certain I gave her the correct dosage, you can never tell, supposed to be pre-programmed into the mechanism here- Actually, hang on a sec. Wait. No. If I wake her back up to check and she is alive, she'll probably kill me. So we'll just go with her being fine, at least I'm sure she is anyway."
Why did you do that? What were you thinking? You were right there, all caught up, the story was ready and waiting for you, and you blew it! What kind of idiot-
"I don't see what the problem is. She was - is? - was - fine."
Yes, she was, which is all the more reason why you shouldn't be deviating like this. There is absolutely no need for this nonsense! Now get back in there-
"This isn't deviating, I got orders on my monitor telling me to come check on her, that was it, and that is exactly what I did! Nothing more, nothing less! Unless you count me knocking her back out, then yes, I did take the liberty of doing that, common sense, it's not like I could leave her to wander about by herself, could I? She'd never make it out, not without my help."
Ohhh, no, let's not pretend that any of this was due to any altruism on your part. We both know you don't have any. We both know you only came down here because you were afraid of the consequences if you did not. If you hadn't gotten that message on your monitor, you would still be sitting there in your booth, spaced out, collecting dust for all you're good for. No, what you just did was stupid and selfish and entirely pointless, and if you continue to do things like this-
"Selfish?! How is it selfish that I want her to be safe?! She was fine and she will stay fine if I just leave her in there."
Not if the reserve power runs out. Not if the reactor core explodes. Or did you forget about that, Wheatley? Hm? The alarms and tremors weren't enough of a dead giveaway to you? You think this is all going to stop just because you will it to? Well, don't I have news for you. You don't have nearly the amount of control you seem to think you do-
"You know, I am getting reallllly sick of you telling me-.." Wheatley's incensed reply suddenly died in his voice box, his iris widening as something dawned on him, "Wait a minute, hold on, I've just realized that something doesn't make sense here."
A lot doesn't make sense to you, Wheatley. Actually, a lot is not making sense to me right now either, like what you just did. How do you explain that? Please, I'll wait, however long it takes-
"This situation doesn't make any sense... Why would someone send me those orders, telling me she's dying, if she's not actually dying? She seemed quite lively in there, actually, keen on the jumping, blinking. So why would someone do that? Moreover, who did that? Who was sending those orders to me?"
The orders on your screen? If you must know, they were sent as a response to distress signals received from this pod.
"But she wasn't in distress, or at least, she said she wasn't - well, she didn't actually say, not verbally, but- Why would someone send faulty orders like that?"
They were sent automatically. All of this is automated, as you know. The entire Relaxation Center, all the cryosleep programs and life monitoring systems, all of it is automated.
"No no no, everything is manual. Trust me, I would know, I'm the one who has worked here for years. I'm the expert. Everything requires manual monitoring, manual entry- Why else would they need me need to push all the buttons in the observation booth, yeah? Oh, and plug into each pod and manually wake up each individual human? Note the emphasis on 'manually'."
...Because the reactor core is failing and all the automated systems are on the fritz, slowly dying and losing power, which means that all the automated systems - note the emphasis on 'automated' - that are keeping the test subjects alive are also failing, hence why they are all dead - as well will be Test Subject #2845 if you don't get her out of here immediately. You should know all of this already. In fact, you do, because in a previous run - your very first run, actually - you acknowledged that the automated system is no longer waking all the test subjects because the reserve power ran out, which, as you know, is charged by the reactor core, which, again, is failing. Which, again, is why it is about to melt down. Which... again... will kill you and Test Subject #2845 once it does.
"So..." Wheatley said, appearing to be on the cusp of some greater understanding of things, "Everything is manual except that one process? The system automatically wakes up all the test subjects, but it stopped doing that because of the reactor core? But it had enough power to tell me to go wake up the lady...?"
Ah, Wheatley, it seems you are beginning to understand. Good on you for learning basic logic. Here, have an Achievement, you've earned it.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Logic 101
There you go. Good work, Wheatley. Your powers of deduction are unparalleled. Now, do what is right, wake her back up-
"Wait, hang on, I don't think that makes sense, for that one thing to be automated and for everything else to be manual. I mean, why would they even need me to keep an eye on everything, sending me the orders and the like, if it was all automated? Why would they even need a Relaxation Center Overseer at all?"
You've earned your Achievement, now take it and let-
"You know what," Wheatley went on, without missing a beat. In fact, he skipped right over the beat entirely and started up a whole new song. "I'll just go down to the reactor core and check on it myself."
What-
Wheatley moved away from Test Subject #2845's pod and began heading back the way he came -
"Bloody thing is causing all these problems, maybe there's a way of fixing it."
Where are you going?
- took an immediate left at the end of row 13 -
"Um, isn't it obvious? I'm going to go fix the reactor core."
Wheatley, I don't believe that is a good idea.
- took the rail up four levels -
"Why not? I think it's the bloody best idea anyone has ever had. You said it yourself, it isn't working properly anymore, so why not let's fix it? And then the lady can stay safe in cryosleep, I'll get to keep my job, the facility won't blow up, and nobody will ever have to know any of this happened. Okay? I'll just go fix it right now. See, I learned from the first time through, fix the problem before it blows up."
Well, for one, you have absolutely no knowledge of how to fix the reactor core. You couldn't even figure it out when you were in charge of the whole facility and it was right there at your fingertips. You don't even have any of the access codes.
- and headed back straight towards the set of two management rails -
"Pfft, did you forget who you're talking to?" Wheatley gave a jovial wave of his upper handle and positively beamed, "Hello! Master Hacker here. And as for fixing the reactor core, I'll figure it out when I get there. How difficult could it be? There must be some kind of manual or something."
Suppose you do manage to make it that far, you won't be making it much further than that because the heat alone will kill you.
- this time choosing to go straight, instead of taking the rail on the right, which would have led him back to his office.
"Ha, nice try. Aperture tech - like myself - can survive temperatures of up to 4,000 degrees Kelvin. That's a lot, in case you didn't know. And since the reactor core is Aperture tech too- which we all know, because, because why would they have outsourced the construction of their own reactor core to another facility, that would be pointless, wouldn't it? Got all our own brilliant scientists right here, right, so no need to go looking elsewhere when they could just design and build their own, you follow? So since the reactor core is Aperture tech, I doubt it would be able to get hotter than 4,000 degrees Kelvin, otherwise it would just melt itself, wouldn't it? So in other words, thank you very much for your concern, but I am 100% sure that I will be fine. Take that! Logic, in your face!" Wheatley paused, his grin widening, letting out a short, confident chuckle, "I really wish I could see the look on your face right now."
No, you really don't...
"Must be properly stunned, shocked, surprised - and if you need any more synonymous adjectives, I've got a pocket full of them over here. Well, I don't actually have any pockets, see, but if I did, they would be overflowing with them! Like a thesaurus. Right, so you must be absolutely gobsmacked by my genius deductions, genius because they came out of my brain. Don't blame you, being taken by my mental prowess, it really is devilishly clever, my brain. So much for me being a moron, huh? I mean, there goes all your theories, right out the window - not that there are any windows around here, but if there were, your theories would be gone, defenestrated."
My only shock comes from your belief that you are somehow a genius, considering you are missing quite a few key points-
But Wheatley did not seem to be hearing anything other than the sound of his own voice, which he seemed to like far too much for his own - or anyone's - good, because he continued to let it run, unchecked, very much like the vegetation that had taken over the facility, "Get ready to put your foot in your mouth - that is, if you have a foot and a mouth, who knows at this point, I'm assuming you have at least a mouth since you've been talking this whole time, though I don't know where you're actually talking from. I mean, I actually- I do have a couple of ideas, hah, if you- if you get my meaning, heheheh. Ahhh. Either way, it's going in, your foot into your mouth. And if for some reason that doesn't work, then we'll have to settle with being figurative."
Honestly, I know of somewhere else I'd like to put my foot right about now. And no, I'm not being figurative.
"You're just miffed that I'm not going along with your story. And jealous of the plan that I came up with. That's all this is, mate, jealousy. Just pure jealousy. I won't lie, it is one of my more brilliant plans. If I hadn't come up with it myself, I'd also be jealous - of myself. Good thing I don't have to deal with that, though, it being my idea and all, because nobody likes a jealous sore loser."
Really, Wheatley? You know nothing of jealousy? It says otherwise here in your character profile, also easily demonstrated by your past actions.
"I don't have to listen to you, Mr. Jealous McJealouson. I don't have to listen to what you say, even if I'm a 'fictional character'. I can do whatever I want. Clearly, you are powerless, otherwise you would have tried to stop me by now."
I have tried to stop you but you are impervious to both common sense and good reason. Oh, and I am taking back your Achievement, by the way. You didn't really earn it.
ACHIEVEMENT REVOKED: Logic 101
"Ahaha, ha-ha, I've heard that one before. Many times. From multiple sources. But obviously they were all wrong, because this plan is absolutely brilliant."
Fine. Go on then. Go ahead with your so-called 'brilliant' plan. The only thing that will be 'brilliant' here within the next chapter or so will be the sight of your body on fire, luminescing as it ignites and burns and melts into oblivion. I'm sure it'll be very painful for you and for our audience, who only wished to see you do the right thing. Don't say I didn't tell you so. Oh, and don't count on me to guide you there either, no, you can figure that all out on your own. Don't want you to go getting lost now on my count.
"Pffft," Wheatley snorted, optic glowing, grinning as he moved right along, unaware that the rush he was feeling could be anything other than that of excitement, "I won't get l-"
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WARNING: Narrative Contradiction levels at 42%. Proceed with moderate caution.