- NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS -
The corridor laid out before him was a complete one, yes - the first fully-formed corridor he had seen in a while, in fact. But it was also one of the most uninviting corridors he had ever seen, and he had seen his fair share of uninviting corridors, including the ones he had just come out of.
What was so disturbing about this corridor was actually several things:
1.) It was cold. Uncomfortably cold. Although Wheatley honestly could not tell if it was because the hallway was actually cold or if he was running cold in response to its cryptic appearance;
2.) It was semi-shrouded in misty, finger-like tendrils of fog, swirling around as if disturbed by a slight draft of air;
And 3.) Slicing straight through that fog, aimed in his direction - though not directly at him - and in direct foil to the friendly yellow Rail™ on which he was sitting, was a single unwavering blood-red beam of light, blotched out here and there as the fog flowed through it - which could mean only one thing: there was a turret sitting at the end of this hallway.
"I'll be straight with You™ - that corridor looks a bit dodgy," he said, receiving no response from the Rail™ save for the fact that It™ was still vibrating. "I mean, I just spent an inordinate amount of time in a bunch of not-yet-existent corridors, including one that tried to crush my soul, but this one is of the textbook 'will in no uncertain terms kill you if you go down there' variety."
Still no response from the Rail™, so Wheatley inched forward, just enough so that he could see just beyond the veil of fog and where the Rail™ was heading. He had to switch his flashlight off, as the shine from the beam reflected back at him once it hit the fog, but he could see that there was another one of those quick back-and-forth zigzagging motions. After that, the Rail™ appeared to pierce straight through the heart of the fog, appearing as though It™ might meet up with the red beam at some point further down the line.
"Are-... Are you sure about this, Rail™?" he wavered, reluctant to follow the Rail™'s path, "I'll be honest with You™ - not that I have been lying to You™ about everything before now, just so we're clear on that - but again, being completely open and honest here, I really, really don't want to go down there, especially after that whole squeezing tunnel thing I just went through."
He edged forward a little more, feeling the cool mistiness within the fog flow around him, trying his best to keep as far away from the red beam as possible. He felt like he was a unit of livestock being herded straight to his doom. A particularly cold draft wafted straight up against him, feeling suspiciously like something alive, which caused him to flinch away and let out a whimper. This movement must have been too sharp, too sudden, because quite suddenly the neon beam shifted, searching, before locking onto him.
But it wouldn't fire at him, would it? He wasn't a human and the turrets only shot at humans, right? No, no, they could shoot at anything that didn't belong. He grimly recalled how when the lady had been on her happy little screen-smashing crusade, how she had placed a turret on the ground facing one of his monitors and it indeed had shot at him. At the time he had been more annoyed that she had broken yet another one of his monitors, but now he found himself filled with terror at the prospect.
A saccharine but deadpan voice from beyond the fog declared, "There you are."
Wheatley yelled and huddled closer to the Rail™, clamping his eye shut and drawing in his panels, having nowhere to flee to, bracing himself for impact. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh G-.."
And then, instead of bullets raining down upon him, more of those sickly-sweet stoic words came, "I'm indifferent."
"...Oh! Oh... Really? You're indifferent? Well, that's sort of good news, isn't it?"
"The villagers are in present times."
"...What?"
"Rosebud is the sled."
"Okay, uhhh... Rail™, any idea what that means? Because I'll be honest - again, not that I was lying before - but I have no idea what that means," Wheatley admitted as he resumed moving forward. As he moved along, the Rail™ moved gently up once and then back down again before It™ continued It™s path toward the source of the beam. "All right, well-... Obviously it's- it's repeating some kind of writing it saw written on a bathroom wall somewhere, though why it would be in a bathroom stall is beyond me. Who knows with these things. Or maybe it's some kind of, of- Oh nooo, please don't tell me we're going to have to solve some stupid riddle to get out of here. I really am not interested in that at all. Got a festering reactor core to tend to and a day to save, after all."
It did cross his mind that maybe it wasn't shooting at him yet because it did not actually have a clear shot at him for all the fog, that maybe these cryptic phrases or riddles were just to lure him in. It seemed to have a pretty good idea of where he was and so he was understandably deeply afraid of what would happen as he got closer to the unseen turret. Either way, he had no choice but to keep moving forward.
"Dr. Malcolm was dead the whole time."
Now that certainly sent a chill through his circuits. Whoever this poor Dr. Malcolm was, Wheatley wasn't sure he wanted to know, but he at least could agree that Dr. Malcolm was almost certainly dead, seeing as 99.99% of all the humans had either been killed some time ago or had incrementally died over the course of several hundred years while Wheatley lay asleep in his booth. Er, resting - not asleep - resting in his booth. Wheatley was insistent on making that distinction to himself for some reason.
He thought of the friendly turret he and the lady had come across during their ventures through the facility, how he had been annoyed that she had stopped to listen to it, seeming entranced by its words and overall demeanor. Wheatley at least recognized that that turret had been benevolent. Enigmatic, but still benevolent. This turret, on the other hand, while it was not shooting at him, seemed far more sinister with its bizarre catchphrases, even though it claimed to be indifferent.
The closer he got, the more stable the beam became, no longer blotchy from the fog but a full-on solid beam. It was still trained on him no matter how slow he went, but it had gone silent. Now he could make out the outline of it, sitting there in the middle of the corridor like a sentry, though its panels where it kept its bullets remained closed. As he approached, he was mentally preparing himself for the moment those panels would pop open and spray bullets at him, preparing to feel them pierce his chassis.
Once it came fully into view, instead of detailing him with a bunch of new exhaust outlets, it said - "Redrum means murder" - which did not make him feel much better.
Wheatley gulped, shivering both from the cold and his own terror, but unable to flee, "Um... you, you aren't really going to murder me, are you? I mean, so far you haven't shot at me, and I'd rather like it if we kept-.."
"Soylent Green is people."
"...Pardon?"
"Hans is a bad guy."
"Look, I don't know who Hans is, but maybe he's not so bad."
"Neo is the One."
"Hold on, are these riddles? The ones I need to answer to get past you?"
"Tyler Durden isn't real."
"Wait, wait! I haven't answered the first one yet-"
"It was Earth all along."
"Hey, come on, slow down a bit there, mate! You aren't being fair. I mean, I know I have a top-notch processor and all, but- Oh, is this all part of one big riddle? Instead of a bunch of little ones? Ohhh, I bet that's it, isn't it? So I just need to be quiet and let you do your thing so I can take it all in at once," Wheatley nodded in understanding and gave the turret his full attention, or what amounted to it anyway, "Okay, go for it, being quiet right now. Though, if I may say one more thing, I'd appreciate it if you could start over because I may have forgotten a few."
"Vader is Luke's father."
"Or not. Okay, I can work with this. Vader, Vader, Luke's father. Why does that sound so familiar? Okay, I'll think about that part, what's next?"
"Stanley is alive."
Rail™, what are you doing?! It's giving him SPOILERS! Why are You™ allowing this?! Quick, get him out of here before it gives away-..
Wheatley at first jumped, startled by the reappearance of the voice, and then scoffed, "Spoilers? That's what you think it's doing? Clearly they're riddles. Obviously. Little riddles I need to unravel and fit into the bigger picture so that I can get through. Otherwise none shall pass, or some such thing. I've read about these things before, they're in all kinds of adventure books-.."
"She dies at the end."
Wheatley faltered, the blue of his iris shrinking. "...C-Could I ask you to clarify who you mean by 'she'...? I mean, there are more than one 'she' and one is slightly more important than the other. And, and it would help me answer your riddle. Greatly help me. Say, for example, do you mean the big ol' scary boss lady upstairs or do you mean the moderately-sized but nevertheless intimidating test subject lady downstairs? Or do you perhaps mean another 'she' altogether...?" he added hopefully.
Rail™, get him out of here now! Just take him back to his office - that will be far easier than continuing to fumble about through all these unwritten passages. And he really doesn't need to be hearing all these spoilers either, they're just going to confuse him further.
"He dies at the end."
"Uhhhh..."
See? Wheatley, don't listen to it -
"They all die at the end."
It was at this point that Wheatley decided to ditch the whole riddle idea and start asking the questions himself, "Is there any ending where they maybe don't all die?"
- Clearly it is malfunctioning and spouting nonsense. Just follow the Rail™ and get out of here before-..
"...You die at the end."
"That's- that one is a riddle, right? Or- or perhaps a metaphor?"
The turret became worryingly silent after that. Wheatley could not decide whether it was creepier while talking or creepier while silent, either way it was creepy and he rather wished he had never encountered it in the first place. Plus all his questions were lingering in the air like little anxiety bombs, exploding all around him and driving him over the edge.
"Helloooo? Answer me! You can't just say something like that and then not explain anything further! Details! I need details!"
Wheatley, did you hear what I said? Ignore this thing and follow the Rail™ out of here.
"I thought you didn't want me following the Rail™," Wheatley snapped, "And if I'm going to die at the end, then maybe I shouldn't-.."
You do not die at the end - you are the main protagonist and they never die at the end.
"So what are you saying, then? That I could die in the middle?"
You have already died in the middle - several times - yet here you are.
"Well, yeah, but the story is still happening, isn't it? That means there's still a chance-"
Wheatley, the end for you could very well happen right now just by you sitting here. In fact, your very choice to remain inactive could at this very moment already be setting your impending death into action, so you might as well move on.
"Right, yes, but you were all uppity about the- this turret giving 'spoilers' just a moment ago."
I thought you believed they were riddles.
"Spoilers, riddles - they're pretty much the same thing, aren't they?"
No, they really aren't.
"And in either case, why should I believe you?"
You're right, Wheatley. You have absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe me. I said you would get lost, and you got lost. I told you that humming that tune earlier would summon the Rail™, nee Line™, and it did. I told you It™ would only get you more lost, and lo and behold...
"...Are you using reverse psychology on me?"
Why, I am shocked that you would think I would do such a thing, Wheatley. Is that really the kind of person you take me for?
Wheatley narrowed his eye in contemplation, trying to decide on how to answer that.
Yes, I am using reverse psychology on you - you absolutely should believe me.
"You also said I would die in a fire if I came this way and I haven't."
Yet.
"Oh that's reassuring."
It should be reassuring, Wheatley. You'll recall that I told you that it was the reactor core's heat that would kill you, and as you can very well see, we are nowhere near the reactor core. Plus you deduced with your own superior logic that the heat would not kill you, so I fail to see your point.
"Well I fail to see your-... Okay I see your point. But still, maybe I should just- just sit right here then, you know, just to be safe. Besides, what am I supposed to do, go right through the turret?"
Yes, actually. They fall over quite easily, you know. Even if it had been expecting you to answer its riddles, there's nothing saying you couldn't have just pushed it over anyway to get past.
"Huhhhh... Why didn't I think of that? And why are you helping me? I thought you said I was on my own."
Because, Wheatley, I am stuck with you and I am tired of this insipid little adventure of yours. I figure if I lend my assistance, we'll at least get through this quicker, since you insist on taking the stairs rather than the lift. So we'll call it a truce for now. Either way, I would not tarry for too long here - these passages are quite susceptible to change and are likely to get worse the longer you sit here. I imagine that last passage you went through was rather unpleasant, wasn't it?
"Oh God, you're telling me. I felt like I was dying."
There's more to it than that, but you almost did die. You were lucky.
Wheatley's response was a mere whisper, "Oh..."
So do keep moving and, going forward, I will do my best to prevent that from happening, though I cannot make any guarantees.
"Uhh, right- I'll just.. be on my way then," Wheatley agreed, sobered by the new information and feeling a bit sheepish. He turned his attention back to the turret, which had gone silent and apparently had no more to say, and attempted to negotiate his way past, "Excuse me, sorry, I just need to- Could you maybe just scoot over a little b- Okay, all right, just sit there and-" he mumbled, trying to edge his way past the stationary turret. Of course, there was no other way around, so he ended up pushing the thing over as the Narrator had suggested, the turret giving a perturbed little cry as it toppled onto its side, facing down the corridor in the direction Wheatley needed to be heading. "Oh, sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- well, I did mean to, but I didn't mean to- I mean-.. you know what I mean. Again, sorry. And, uh, thanks for your, er... help. ...Bye."
Wheatley moved to continue following the Rail™ down the corridor. As the turret began to shut down, unheard by the adventurers, it softly said, "Goodbye, Wheatley."
- NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS LOADING -
WARNING: Narrative Contradiction levels at 70%. Proceed with substantial caution.
The Author would like to confirm that the Spoiler Turret has been sent to the Turret Redemption Line for its careless acts in Chapter 14. We wish to apologize for any media that may have been spoiled for our readers. To correct this, Aperture Labs has stated that they are working on a new Mandela Effect machine that will effectively cancel out the spoilers that were provided in Chapter 14. It is an interesting fact that the Spoiler Turret did, in fact, foresee its own redemption. Area sources have stated that shortly before reaching the end of the Turret Redemption Line, the Spoiler Turret simply stated, "So long, and thanks for all the fish."