- NEVER THE END NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS -
After opening the secret panel on the wall, the lady again lifted Wheatley with her portal gun and together they made their way through the back areas of the facility, areas that test subjects were never supposed to see, though in this instance it hardly mattered, what with the whole facility acting as a highly technologically advanced, glorified graveyard these days.
It gave Wheatley a strange feeling to be back on the catwalks again, not only because of this renewed opportunity with the lady, but also because the last time he had teamed up in this kind of area had been with the Line™. And that was not something he wanted to be thinking about right now - or ever again, really - but he couldn't help but feel a pang go through him when he looked up at his management rail and didn't see even a hint of yellow. The lady and the Line™ would have gotten along - Wheatley was sure of it. Maybe the three of them would have made an even greater team, but of course that was never going to happen now.
He wrenched his gaze away from the rail. Thinking like that was pointless, and besides, the lady was here, right now, literally right in front of him, and she needed him. This - the journey they were on at that very moment - had been his whole goal from the very start. And that was what he needed to be thinking about.
He may not remember all the details, but still he knew what was coming up ahead. Soon, they would reach Her chamber, the one place he was hoping to avoid altogether, and he had yet to figure out an alternative solution. There had to be something, and he knew he would know it when he saw it, although this was all foolish and a waste of time because he also knew there was no other way around it - it was part of the story and so needed to be done.
Wheatley remained deep in thought, or at least as deep as he could go given the shallow depths his programming afforded him. Being quiet for any extended amount of time was so uncharacteristic of him that, even in their short time together during this run, it drew the lady's attention. She paused and gave him a curious sort of look, shaking him gently back and forth.
"What? Why've we stopped?" he queried, blinking at her from his anti-gravitational perch at the end of her portal gun. He examined her expression, saw the concern there, and quickly explained, "Oh, I'm fine, all fine. I promise nothing got knocked loose back there when I disengaged from my rail, if that's what you're worried about. Is that what you're worried about? Sorry about that, luv, didn't mean to worry you. I was just, umm- just thinking, is all. Thinking about things up ahead. Go on, keep moving, I'll explain as we go."
The lady gave a small shrug, sighed quietly, and continued on, her eyes remaining sharp as ever. Despite their companionship, she was still on edge. Wheatley knew there was nothing to worry about in this area, but the lady didn't know that, so he decided to comment on it for her sake.
"Nothing to worry about over here, luv, I promise. No bad guys, no enemies, not even so much as a single turret." When her gaze met his, he offered her a smile and a nod, which she took and appeared to relax a little. "So, listen- Up ahead, soon - not imminent, not like it's right around the corner, although it is coming soon - we will reach Her chamber. I, ah, I don't think I need to go into detail about who exactly I am referring to, judging by the scornful look on your face, but I just thought I'd give you a head's up, and-"
"Hello?"
"Oh, bloody-..! What was that?!"
Full alertness immediately returned to the lady's body as every muscle tensed up and she aimed her portal gun in the direction of the little childlike voice they had both just heard.
"Hello? Excuse me."
"Awww, noooo, not one of those things."
They turned a corner and there, at the end of the hallway, was the red light of a turret, strangely blinking instead of casting a solid beam. The lady stopped and watched it, seeming intrigued by this little thing with the adorable, verging on creepy little voice.
"No no no, lady, don't stop, let's keep moving. I've had just about enough of these things, haven't you? Especially the ones that think they are being helpful, when, in fact, they are not being helpful. Take my word for it, all they do is cause more problems. Best not to listen to them at all and just keep moving. Don't worry about passing in front of its beam, this one won't shoot, and even if it did, it's on the other side of that glass there - sturdy stuff, impenetrable to bullets, otherwise the little devils would just shoot their way out instead of being tossed into the incinerator, wouldn't they? Anyway, go on, off we go."
The lady gave him a tight nod and crossed quickly through the beam.
"Hello?"
"No, thanks, we're not stopping here! Goodbye!"
"Thanks anyway..."
"Sorry about that, luv, forgot about that one there - I did say there were no turrets over here, but also I said there were no bad guys, and while that was definitely a turret, it definitely wasn't a bad guy either. Just annoying."
Off in the distance, from where they had just come from: "I'm different."
"Yeah I'll bet you are. Bloody things," Wheatley mumbled, shaking his chassis back and forth.
They approached one of the automatic doors and the lady carried him through once it opened. As it closed behind them, Wheatley said, "Anyway, like I was saying, up ahead is the ol' boss lair of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Now, not to worry, She is not awake - She isn't even operational, not in the least, so there is nothing, absolutely nothing to worry about at all. She's- She's still in pieces, you know, from your last- uh- from Her last foray with a human. Yeah, she was properly- properly owned as they say."
Behind the animosity in the lady's eyes there gleamed a hint of mischief and pride. Wheatley shaped his features into a knowing grin and nodded at her.
"Ohh, you know all about that already, don't you? I mean, you've been around long enough to, um, have heard.. things... circling through the rumor mill. Anyway, since She is already out of commission, I think we can agree that it's in our best interests not to go waking Her up, yeah?"
The lady gave him a short nod of agreement. She stepped into the adjoining corridor where they were greeted by more of that overgrown vegetation and a floor littered with refuse and debris.
Wheatley, you can't get away from this part of the story. It has to happen.
"Great! Glad we're on the same page," he said, ignoring the very reasonable voice who was only trying to look out for him. "Now, um, in order to avoid all that - waking Her up, that is - we're going to have to look for an alternate route. So, have a look around, and let's see if we can find something. Look around, look around... See anything yet? Anything?"
But there was no alternate route to be found - no other doors, no chutes, no ladders, no anything that led to anywhere except straight into Her chamber.
"Nothing? Well, all right then, we'll have to work with what we've got. Go on through into Her chamber - just up ahead. Careful, there's- there's bound to be lots of broken stuff lying about, sharp pokey things and all. So just, you know, watch your step."
Upon entering Her chamber, and surveying the crumbling, ruined state of things - the collapsed ceiling, leaving massive steel beams and other shrapnel hanging down all over the place, hanging out in tandem with all the vines and trickling water and other such things of the natural world above, not to mention the spooky remains of Her right there in the middle of it all - Wheatley encouraged the lady to look around for any way that they might simply climb their way out. But, again, there was nothing. There was nothing because there was not supposed to be anything. This entire area was designed with only one open route - the collapsed wall behind the incinerator in the corner, where they would be led directly to the main breaker room - and Wheatley already knew this.
"Yes, I do already know, and that's why- umm," he interrupted himself and addressed the lady directly, "Okay, to be honest, I had a feeling there wouldn't be another way, but I thought it would be wise to at least check, despite those who might believe otherwise. And we did, so points to us for trying. Right, at this point I guess let's move on. Head on through that opening over there - just there, by the incinerator in the corner - and let's check out the main breaker room. I have another idea we can try."
Whatever you are thinking, Wheatley, I'm sure it is either bad or wrong. Or both. Actually, scratch that, since it is an idea of yours, it is most definitely both bad and wrong, and so you should stop thinking of ideas immediately.
"I- I think I might be able to get us an escape pod out of here. Once we reach the breaker room- AHHHHHHH!" he yelled as the lady jumped over a broken area of the catwalk, landing several feet below, the sound of her boots landing on the catwalk creating a harsh crashing, echoing bang. "You- You just jumped-..! Would you at least warn a core next time before you do that?!"
What's the matter, Wheatley? You didn't remember that little jump she had to make right there? I thought you knew everything about what's up ahead.
"You-..! Rrrrghh, never mind, I'm not- Okay, sorry about that, luv," he apologized upon receiving another one of those indecipherable looks from her, his voice softening, "I was just startled, that's all, didn't mean to take it out on you."
They continued on for a short while, until they arrived at-
"The main breaker room, here we go. Plug me in right here, I'll turn on the lights, and then we can have a look around."
With a nod, the lady placed him onto the breaker control port. He wiggled himself around a little in order to make himself more comfortable while he established a connection with the device. After a moment, commands presented themselves to his processor.
"Okay, now let's look for a switch that says 'Escape Pod'. Escape Pod, Escape Pod, there must be something here-" said Wheatley as he scrolled through the list of breakers.
Ohhh, you're going to try that again? Wheatley, you should already know that there isn't an 'Escape Pod' here. But fine, go ahead, you won't find anything-
"Funny you should say that, because it says so right here! BAM! 'Escape Pod'!" Wheatley laughed and then noticed the look the lady was giving him, "Erm, I mean, it's funny because- not because you said anything, because you didn't, but I guess I just sort of imagined it - and.. and that's what's funny, because in my mind you were saying 'Ha, wouldn't it be funny if it just said "Escape Pod"', and then look at that, it actually says 'Escape Pod'! Like, verbatim. Which is, you know... funny..."
She pressed her lips tightly together. Wheatley couldn't tell if this was because she wanted him to shut up, or if it was because she was agreeing with him - although, he thought, if she had agreed with him, wouldn't she just be laughing instead of looking at him like he was a ten thousand piece jigsaw puzzle? Though maybe she was the type who laughed on the inside? Could be, but she didn't look too amused and so Wheatley offered her his version of a conciliatory grin and continued.
"Um, anyway, you see that breaker way up there?" Wheatley accessed it via the breaker interface. A faint red glow illuminated the breaker in question, which lay far up the shaft, near the top. "That one? Right there? I'm gonna need you to climb on up there and turn it on. These breakers here, they activate when you flip the switch up. Now, since a good deal of them are switched down, off, you can use them as a sort of- sort of foot ladder, if you will. Just be careful coming back down - I mean, I know you have those boots and all, but still, be careful."
The lady gave him a nod, carefully setting down the portal gun before hauling herself up onto a couple of the tripped breakers, steadying herself on them and testing their weight tolerance by giving by bouncing herself up and down on them a few times. Surprisingly, they held her weight. She exchanged a confident look with Wheatley before she began her steep climb towards the illuminated breaker.
Wheatley could hear her puffing with the effort it must be taking for her to make such a difficult climb. He tilted his optic back and followed her progress as she ascended, providing her with a steady stream of encouragements as she went, "That's it, that's it! You're doing great, luv, keep going! Watch your step - that one right there next to your foot is turned off, don't kick it up by mistake! Oh! Good job! Look at you - a regular ol' mountain climber, you are! Or would this be considered spelunking? I don't know, never climbed any mountains nor done any spelunking, but as soon as we get out of here, I will gladly participate in those activities with you, whatever you want, you get to choose. You're almost there! Now switch it on! You did it! Brilliant! That's bri-GAHHH!"
There was a sudden hiss of releasing hydraulics and a concerning groan of metal, followed by the platform that Wheatley was plugged into suddenly dropping down several inches, eliciting from him a fearful yelp. Worried, shaking, but trying to appear as calm as possible, he cast his gaze back up at the lady and found that she was already looking down at him, questions clearly dancing behind her eyes.
"That- that was supposed to happen. I think. I hope, heh heh," he gave a nervous, breathless chuckle. For a few seconds, neither of them moved or said anything, and then the platform gave another downward jerk and he did not like that, nope, not one bit. "Suppose the Escape Pod is actually- Oh, it's- it's moving down. It's moving- Lady! Lady, help! Help! Get me out of here! Get me out! Get me out! Get me out!"
Immediately the lady's face tightened, bunching up along with the rest of her muscles as she prepared to jump.
Oh, Wheatley, who knows what's going to happen next? Do you really want her to go with you and find out? It might not end well.
Wheatley's optic shrank right down. "Nononono, wait!" he shouted up to her, "I've changed my mind - stay up there! Everything's fine! Stay- just stay put!"
On the other hand, what if this is an Escape Pod and it takes you to the surface? How do you suppose she'll feel, knowing that you've left her behind to save yourself?
"Wait! Wait! Actually, come on down- Or no, stay up- Or... Gah, I don't know!"
While he deliberated, the lady made up his mind for him. She let go of her hold on the breakers, landing with a loud bang right next to him.
"Oh God, what if this thing is broken?" he cried, looking at her anxiously. "What if this isn't actually an Escape Pod? What if I was wrong? Maybe we should just err on the side of caution and get out of here. Nono, there's no time to get me! Get yourself out of here, lady! Get out of here now!"
She shook her head at him, giving him a hardened look that plainly illustrated to him like hell she was going to leave him behind. She then grabbed him by his handles and heaved him off the port and into her arms, which must have been no easy task because she was visibly straining with the effort.
"Nonono, put me back, just please, GO-!"
And then the platform fell.
Wheatley screamed as both he and the lady fell along with the platform, all of them passing straight into a Pneumatic Diversity Vent that snaked its way downward in a series of nauseating twists and turns. How the lady managed to hold onto him throughout the entire ride was truly a marvel to behold - or be held, in his case - something he would be sure to compliment her on as soon as they got to someplace safe. If they got to someplace safe. He really had no idea where they were going, despite seeing these Vents all over the place, and this certainly wasn't his idea of an Escape Pod. Whoever had designed this thing would be hearing from his lawyer, for sure.
They passed by an intersection where they were separated from the platform and, unfortunately, the single Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, not that that it would do them much good outside of the early testing tracks anyway. At least he and the lady were still together, and thankfully they reached the end of where this Vent led in one piece, their long fall cushioned nicely by the magnificent engineering behind the long-fall boots the lady was wearing.
Not so thankfully, the fact that they had landed both in their respective singular pieces appeared to be something of a short-lived miracle, as directly in front of them lay a pair of hydraulic-powered plates.
And they were coming together in a rhythmic, crushing fashion.
And the platform they had landed on, Wheatley was just now realizing, was enclosed in glass, looking very similar to the glass box the lady would have entered upon starting the testing tracks.
And, as an added bonus feature, this entire box was being shuffled forward straight into those hydraulic-powered mashy plates.
Well, well, well, here we are again, Wheatley. You, trapped, being led straight to your death. And this time the lady is right here with you, so the two of you can die together, like a true team. I know this probably isn't the kind of Escape Pod you were hoping for, but, well, it is a kind of escape, isn't it? You won't have to deal with the story anymore, and I won't have to deal with you, so this is what would be referred to as win-win situation. It's really a shame the Line™ isn't here to save you this time, and after It™ died to give you another chance. Tch. Pity. In any case, farewell again, Wheatley.
"Gahhhh! This is not good, luv. NOT GOOD! In fact, it's the opposite of good - it's bad! Very, very BAD!"
And indeed things were very bad for them. Every time the platform moved forward, there was a whooshy kind of groan, like the inhale of some large creature. Hhhh... And then the exhale - in the form of two large, flat pieces of steel, meeting in the middle with a terrible, thunderous bang. PNNG! The whole contraption would move forward, jerk to a halt, move forward, jerk to a halt, and every time this happened, the lady would be knocked off balance, causing her to lose her footing, drop Wheatley, and scramble to recapture him each time as he began to roll away. The entire scene looked rather comical - at least to those peering inward - like watching a couple of gerbils run about their cage before being slid to their deaths.
"Okay! Okay, don't panic! Whatever you do, DON'T PANIC!" Wheatley panicked. "There's a way out of here! There's always a way out! Look around! Look around and get us out of here!"
After the third time of trying to catch him, the lady gave up altogether and focused instead on trying to figure a way out of this death trap. She first tried kicking the glass, but it wouldn't budge. She next tried scaling the glass, running straight at it before leaping up as high as she could, but the lip of the glass was too high up for her to reach and she was not able to gain any purchase on the glass' smooth surface to do any sort of fancy parkour moves. She then tried ramming through the glass with all of her weight, and when that too failed, she went back to trying to catch Wheatley, stumbling each time the platform came to a rough stop.
She finally caught up to him and then stood with him in her arms -
"What are you- Oh God, wait, what are you doing? What are you do-HEYHEYEHEYHEYHEYARRRRGHHH!"
- and threw him with all of her might against the glass -
"Ow! Owwww! That hurt!"
- but it was fruitless. He bounced cleanly off of it without leaving so much as a scratch, while he was knocked around pretty good himself, pain suffusing through all of his circuits as he crashed down onto the ground.
"That was insane! Are you mental?! What's your- Wait, wait, did we- Oh no, we didn't, did we, it's- Look at that, it's practically unscathed! How is that possible?! What kind of glass is this?!"
The lady ignored him and went back to alternating between attempting to scale the glass and kicking it in the hopes of finding a weak spot. Wheatley, while observing each of these failed attempts as best as he could while rolling around like a marble in a wooden labyrinth toy, came to a shocking realization.
"Oh my God, you- you can't get us out of here, can you?"
But how could this be? The lady always found a way out! She always escaped! She always eluded even the most elaborate of traps! She was the one who had defeated the homicidal maniac of an AI that ran the place. She had even defeated him! And now here she was, trapped like a rat, like he was, giving him a grim look before throwing herself up against the glass over and over again, punching at it until blood began running down her knuckles, smearing across the transparent surface. And as he watched her continued futile efforts, panic really began to set in, dropping into his core like a dead weight - as dead as they would soon be.
"You- You really can't... Are we going to die? We're going to die!" Wheatley cried through his blubbering.
He gave a small start of surprise as she scooped him up, having given up and crawled her way over to him to avoid being thrown off her feet again. She scooted them both into the corner furthest away from the mashy plates, as if that would grant them any sort of advantage in this helpless situation.
Wheatley tilted back and looked straight into her eyes, both of them beyond frightened as their deaths rapidly approached.
"Lady, listen- I'm sorry for everything."
Hhhhh... PNNG!
"You don't know this, because you can't remember, but this isn't the first time we've been through here - well, not through here exactly, but through the- the-"
Hhhhh... PNNG!
"This is all a fictional story and we're all fictional characters and there's this crazy narrator guy who's been after me this whole time!"
Hhhhh... PNNG!
"I just wanted another chance to make things right with you! And I'm sorry I messed up everything again! You've gotta believe me, I never meant for this to happen!"
Hhhhh... PNNG!
"I'm so sorry, luv! I'm so sorry! I'M SOR-"
...
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- NEVER THE END NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END -
WARNING: Narrative Contradiction levels at 36%. Proceed with moderate caution.