- NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE -
Wake up, Wheatley.
"Ohhhh-.." Wheatley groaned, awakening slowly to the droning hum of machinery and heat wafting upwards in thick, gusty bursts.
He cracked open his optic and hissed in pain, his aperture contracting and dilating several times as it recalibrated. While that was going on, he stretched out his panels to loosen up some of the stiffness that had settled into them, groaning again when a few of the joints cracked. He felt nauseated and just about every part of him hurt, and he very badly needed a detailing, but most importantly he was still alive - alive and ready to move onto the next part of the story, just as he had before.
"Ohhh no, not this again-..."
When his vision finally stabilized, he immediately noticed three things - a jagged crack running diagonally through the center of his field of vision; he was back up on his management rail, sitting above a moving Redemption Line that was carting along a variety of debris and broken turrets before dumping them into an incinerator; and a large, black bird - oddly displaced no thanks to the split in his vision - sitting next to him on his rail, staring at him.
"Oh!" he started, backing up along his rail and away from the creature. The bird gave an indignant squawk and hopped a few paces away from him as well. And then something in his hull sent a painful, involuntary convulsion through him along with a fair amount of sparks shooting out from his lower handle. "Oww-...! Ohhh bloody- that's back, too. Thank God, I was just beginning to miss it. Ugh. Sorry about that, mate, didn't mean to frighten you," he said, blinking over at the bird as it watched him back with shiny black eyes. "Hey, I think I remember you from the last time this happened. Did you fix me again? Or, well, mostly fix me?"
Don't be ridiculous, Wheatley -
"AHHH! Oh God, you can talk-"
- of course the bird didn't fix you.
"That's not natur- Oh, it's just you," he groused, watching the bird momentarily as it flapped away after cawing at him in annoyance. "What do you want?"
It's time to get back to the story, Wheatley. But first, we need to discuss a few things-
"Bugger off. I'm in a lot of pain here, can't you see?"
What do you mean? You've been repaired.
"Repaired, right, if that's what you want to call this. I can't bloody see straight and I'm-" Twitch, spark. "-flailing around here like a bloody epileptic."
Hmm, well, I did warn you about staring at all those flashing lights multiple chapters ago.
"You warned- Oh, that makes a load of bloody sense! NOT!" Wheatley fumed, his core heating up to match his anger, "I was just crushed! By Her! Again! Because you forced me through with it! Again!"
Yes. Your point?
"You could have at least bloody well repaired me all the way instead of this bloody half-arsed job of it!"
My my, such language, Wheatley. Need I remind you that this story is rated T?
"Right, and that means I'm allowed exactly one F-bomb in this story, which I choose to use now. Right now. So truly, sincerely, indubitably, from the very bottom of my core, f-"
For your information, I had to leave you damaged in such ways.
"You what? Why?"
Because it's a part of the story.
"...What kind of sense does that make?! You leave me in this state because 'it's a part of the story'? How did I even get 'repaired' the first time then?"
That's hardly relevant-
"It's relevant to me." Twitch, spark. "It's funny, I can't really remember. Well, not 'funny', but you get what I'm saying."
It was never explained, save through some very nonsensical means referenced in an obscure source. Now-
"Really? I thought it was the bird-"
Now why would it have been the bird?
"I don't know, because it was sitting there like it was up to something."
It wasn't the bird.
"Are you sure it wasn't?"
I'm sure, Wheatley.
"Then how-"
The game developers didn't bother to fully explain it the first time, so why should I?
"Really, now that's just lazy-"
And in either case, you are repaired so I see very little reason why you should be complaining about it. Now, speaking of wanting to know how things happened-
Wheatley went on, ignoring the voice, "I mean, come on, mate, I'm sparking!" Twitch, spark. "Look at that! You see that? Those were sparks! That's bad! That's not safe! Definitely not going to be passing any safety regulations with that. Definitely a fire hazard at the least, dangerous to the lady and annoying to me at the most."
I'll become dangerous to the lady and more than annoying to you if you don't stop complaining and listen to me. I need to know how you managed to come back from the dead again.
"If you don't know, how should I know? I thought you knew everything."
If I did know, I wouldn't be asking you, now would I?
"I already told you, mate - I don't know how I came back this time. One minute I was dying and the next I wasn't, that's all I know." Wheatley paused, huffed. Twitch, spark. And then: "Why don't you check your little notebook or whatever you have over there? I mean, you're always going back and quoting me-"
Oh, but I do so appreciate your very obvious suggestion - so obvious that I already did that. I know you are hiding something from me, and believe me when I find out-
"Oh, well ex-cuuuuse me for not stopping myself from dying for just long enough to think about how to lie to you about- Or no, reverse that, excuse me FOR stopping myself from dying just long enough to think of how to lie to you about the fact that I was dying." Twitch, spark. "And here's a question to counter yours - if I really did know, why would I tell you of all people? Isn't that how you play cards? You don't tell your opponent about your Jacks. Or is it Wands? No, that's Tarot- You know what, I don't know, I still haven't had the time to learn how to play cards, but I think I'm getting a better idea of it and I think I've made my point-"
Wheatley, you are not even half as clever as you think you are, certainly not clever enough to lie to me and get away with it. You are simply too stupid to hide anything and yet I know you are hiding something.
"I'm stu- Excuse me, I'm stupid?!" Wheatley spluttered, "So- Pop quiz time. Who's the real stupid one here, huh? Me, the id- supposed idiot - or the big fat invisible hoity-toity idiot who believes the supposed idiot who is not capable of lying is lying to him? Hmm? Please clarify that for me, because I'm too supposedly stupid to figure it out on my own."
Now, Wheatley, you'll want to be careful-
"See? Doesn't that sound stupid? Well, that's you - that's what you sound like right now. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid-"
I'm warning you - knock it off-
"-stupid stu- YOU knock it off!"
If you insist.
Wheatley let out a yell when a massive steel support beam fell on him from above, clocking him so hard he saw more sparks, and knocked him off his management rail and onto the Redemption Line immediately below him. He landed, startled, among the other garbage that was moving along. He also realized rather quickly exactly where he was headed as the heat billowing around him suddenly became more intense.
"Oh God, oh no, oh nononononono!" he wailed, petulant anger (although justified, he would have argued were he not currently in such imminent peril) immediately gone and replaced with undiluted dread as the conveyor dragged him steadily towards the massive, flaming mouth waiting at the end of it. "HELP! HELP!"
Scream all you want, Wheatley. Nobody can help you. Toodle-oo.
Wheatley felt himself being pulled into the fiery depths, felt it searing into him, melting his hull, destroying all of his internal components, hollering out in pain as he again met his-
- END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -
Wheatley groaned, awakening slowly. He cracked open his optic and hissed in pain, his aperture shrinking and dilating several times as it recalibrated. When it finally stabilized, he immediately noticed three things -
Ugghhh, you're back. AGAIN.
"GAHHHH! IT BURNS, IT BURNS, IT- Oh! Oh, hey, look at that, I'm back again! And there's the bird again." Twitch-
Let's try this again, shall we?
- spark. "And there's the- AH!"
Wheatley let out a yell when a massive steel support beam fell on him from above, clocking him so hard he saw more sparks, and knocked him off his management rail and onto the Redemption Line immediately below him. He landed, startled, among the other garbage that was moving along. He also realized rather quickly exactly where he was headed as the heat billowing around him suddenly became more intense.
"Why are you doing this to me?! AGAIN?!"
We're going to get to the bottom of this one way or another - whether that's at the bottom of a literal, fiery pit, or the real, logical bottom of the issue is up to you.
"I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"
Yes, that has been well established.
"Stop this! This is insane! YOU are insane! Stop-!"
- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -
"Bloody-!"
- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -
"Incinerating-!"
- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -
"Me!"
- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -
Twitch, spark.
- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -
Wheatley groaned, awakening slowly. He cracked open his optic and hissed in pain-
Hmm... Now this poses a bit of a problem.
"A bit of a problem?! I'll say!" he growled, flexing his panels to shake out the stiffness for the umpteenth time. "Stop bloody incinerating me! That hurts every single time you do it - I would just like to point that out!"
Good to know - I'll keep that in mind.
"Why are you doing this?! This is just cruel and unusual and, and, and it's not even accomplishing anything!"
Though it may seem from your perspective that killing you over and over is not accomplishing anything, it is providing some valuable information to me.
"Valuable information- I'm not your bloody hamster! Or guinea pig! Or- or whatever else humans experiment on! I'm a person! I mean, core - a core, and I'm not-"
Funny how you sound just like a guinea pig, what with all your squealing.
"You-...! You just- You just count yourself lucky that I can't bloody see you, otherwise I would- I would- knock you off your rail or something! If you're on a rail, that is, and if you aren't, then I'll find some other way of kicking you down a notch or two, or three, or four, or a thousand! Maybe incinerate you a bit for a change. Yes, turn you around slowly over each incinerator, rotisserie style. I would definitely do that, if you weren't such a bloody coward and faced me like a core. Honestly, tossing me into the bloody incinerator-...!"
All right, I'm done with this. It seems you have found a way of reviving yourself and resetting the story back to a certain point - an inconvenience, for sure, seeing as this means I can no longer kill you and have you stay dead. However, I think you'd be interested to know that this ability of yours does not extend to Test Subject #2845, so I would strongly suggest getting back to the story before something unfortunate happens to her.
This got Wheatley's attention, at least long enough for him to ask, "How do you know that - that whatever is going on with me doesn't extend to her?"
Do I really need to spell that out for you, Wheatley?
"Spell 'that' out, what do you-..." There has a half-beat of silence as realization crept up on him like a spider, leaving prickling trails throughout his whole body. "Oh my God, wait, you- you've been-" Twitch, spark. And then anger erupted back out of him, "You leave her alone! Don't you- don't you dare hurt her again!"
And I won't, just as soon as you get a move on and follow the story like a good little idiot core.
"I'll show you 'get a move on'!" Wheatley growled, checking his internal map before starting back along his rail. "She's probably in testing right now-"
Yes.
"-so I'm gonna go follow along with her and make sure she solves all of those tests, nice and safe! Keep her out of trouble. Make sure you - and Her - aren't up to anything. And then I'll help her escape."
Just make sure to stick to the story, Wheatley, even the parts you don't want to do. I can't guarantee what might happen to her should you choose to head off the beaten path again.
"The only paths that are gonna be beaten around here will be you if you don't- I mean, if you were a path, I'd beat you- beat you all up by like, walking all over you or something, or rolling I guess. Maybe that doesn't make much sense, but my point still stands. You aren't going to do anything to her, 'cause I'm not gonna let you!" Wheatley countered. He felt remarkably full of energy despite still being damaged and in pain, and having just been incinerated no less than six times. "Nobody's ever going to hurt her again, and that's a promise!"
- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS LOADING -
WARNING: Narrative Contradiction levels at 42%. Proceed with moderate caution.