The Wheatley Parable

by Thursday's Dove

This is the story of a core named "Wheatley". That's it. That's all there is. Would you like to know more? [YES] [NO]

27. The Cold Boot Reboot - Ending

- NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -

It didn't take Wheatley long to catch back up with the lady as she progressed through the next test chamber. While she tested, Wheatley sat just on the other side of the panels, listening intently and grinning and cheering her on. He gave a quiet "Yay!" and fluttered his handles in elation upon hearing her place the testing cube on the button, signaling that she had completed the test.

She really was the best. The best test subject, the best human, the best everything. And she was his friend - his best friend! Okay, maybe she was his only friend, but that didn't mean she couldn't be the best at that too. She deserved all the cake in the world for her endeavors. The best cake. Wheatley decided right then and there that as soon as they escaped, he was going to learn how to bake cakes and then he would bake her all the cakes. It didn't matter that he lacked the required appendages to do the tasks he was sure were required during the cake-making process - he was going to learn how to do it anyway and he was going to become the best at it to boot. He was going to make her all kinds of cakes - tall ones, round ones, square ones, layered ones, ones that were squishy, ones that were jiggly, ones you could have with tea, ones with miniature cakes baked into the cake and more miniature cakes on top for good measure. He had it all outlined in his mind, dreaming up all the kinds of cakes he could make for her-..

...And then the scary boss lady began speaking again, instantly deflating his enthusiasm, "I'll give you credit: I guess you are listening to me-"

Wheatley rolled his optic, all thoughts about cake tumbling off to the side. "Ugh, there She goes again. Does She ever shut up?"

That's hilarious coming from you, Wheatley.

"-But for the record: You don't have to go that slowly."

"Ohhhh no She didn't! The lady solved that test in like, ten seconds flat! I swear, one more foul word out of Her and I'll-"

And you'll what? Talk her to death?

"Waddle over to the elevator and-"

"That's it!" Wheatley snapped.

What are you doing? Whatever it is, I wouldn't do it.

Eye narrowed in anger, he pushed up against one of the panels. "I'm going in there and giving Her a piece of cake! I mean - my mind! A piece of my mind is what I'll be giving Her!"

So you'll actually be giving her n- Don't open that panel!

"Yeah, whatever, the lady's already through the door," Wheatley scoffed, rolling his eye as the panel popped open. "What could possibly hap-AAGHHH!"

- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -

"Ohhh, bloody-..." Wheatley groaned, shaking himself awake and pulling himself up on his rail.

I told you not to do that, Wheatley.

"Ugh, what happened?"

You took a direct hit from a Thermal Discouragement Beam.

"A what? Owww-.." Wheatley whined again, "How did that happen?"

You opened the panel it was aimed at, how else do you think?

"What? But the lady had portals aiming the beam elsewhere, presumably at the- ahh, she walked through the Emancipation Grill and that removed the portals, didn't it? Forgot about that. Yeah," Wheatley said, nodding in solemn understanding.

I'm so glad you have worked that out on your own, Wheatley - points to you. However, I am going to have to immediately take away those points on account of you once again not listening to me. As I've said, you aren't meant to be poking around in all these test chambers, and continuing to do so will only cause more problems for all of us.

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Wheatley, fidgeting with his handles as if not wanting to admit that the voice was right. Either that or he was shrugging it off again - it was difficult to tell at this point.

I'm really getting tired of repeating myself - and I am quite certain our audience is tired of hearing it as well - but please just stick to the story going forward, hm?

"I will if She does. I mean, as long as She keeps Her big trap shut and doesn't try any funny business."

Ugh... This is going to be a long chapter, isn't it?

"How am I supposed to know that? I'm not the one writing it-"

Look, you don't have any control over what the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System says and does. And neither do I, for that matter - She is a character, the same as any other in this story, following the narration as She should be. The only anomaly here is you. Perhaps you ought to take a page out of Her book.

"Eeeyugh, no thanks. I don't want to be anywhere near any pages in any of Her books, much less taking one - a page, that is. I'd rather leave Her to Her own books and I'll stick with mine - mine are much better, much more clever, and have enough pages on their own, thank you very much."

Right. Well. Good luck using that sort of... leverage... or whatever you want to call it, against Her.

Wheatley moved onto the next test chamber, where he again listened through the walls and this time heard the big scary boss lady explaining that the test would involve the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate and that-

"-It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they are catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!"

Wheatley couldn't help but scoff, "What's She know about being catapulted into space, huh? Nice and cozy up there in her little boss lair and all-... Well, okay, fair enough, there's nothing 'little' about it, it's actually quite huge, gotta accommodate for that massive chassis of Hers and all. And it really is quite massive - impressive, really - like She has any room to be calling the lady fat, dangling from the ceiling there like a massive, yellow-eyed turd."

I'll remind you that that used to be your massive chassis dangling from the ceiling like a massive turd. And you quite liked being plugged into it, so what's that say about you?

"It sayyyys... Shut up, I'm trying to listen," Wheatley said, nodding. He gazed at the back side of the panel, envisioning what was happening on the other side. "Oh, come on, luv, you got this!" he encouraged, though at least some part of him seemed to be learning because he kept the volume down for once. "It's just a little ol' harmless Faith Plate - nothing to worry about. And ol' Wheatley's here to catch you should something go wrong." He listened closely and then cheered when he heard her step onto the Faith Plate, "There you go!"

There was the sound of the pedestal button being pressed, and then that was all he heard for several long minutes, all of anything that sounded like progress, anyway. There was a singular, rhythmic banging as something activated the Faith Plate over and over again, but that was it. He debated momentarily about whether or not he should peek in on the lady to make sure everything was all right. She had this under control, didn't she? But what if she needed help? To him, it didn't sound like she was doing much of anything other than playing around, strange as that seemed. Either that, or something else was hitting the Faith Plate and the lady was hurt. Or dead.

That made up Wheatley's mind in a hurry. "Something's wrong. Something's wrong, something's happened, I need to check on her-"

No, Wheatley, you don't. Nothing is wrong, it's just the-

"No, no, I can feel it, something is definitely, definitely wrong. She usually makes a lot more noise than that while testing, and I'm- I'm not hearing any testing sounds because-" Wheatley's bright blue optic became a pinprick of light. "Oh no, what if she's dead! She's dead, she died, she's already dead! That's why I don't hear any sounds!"

Wheatley, I am telling you, nothing is wrong - all she's doing is waiting for-

"Waiting for me to come help her!" Unable to hold himself back any longer, Wheatley leaned up against the panel -

Wheatley, stop!

"I've got to check!"

I've told you not to do that!

"She could be dying!"

Stop right now! You're going to-...!

- and revealed that the lady was just fine. In fact, she was soaring elegantly over a floor coated in a deep pool of murky acid, poised to catch a Weighted Storage Cube that was bouncing merrily on a Faith Plate that was situated in the middle of said pool of acid - that is...

...until Wheatley's sudden appearance caught her attention. She turned her head sharply, eyes wide, collided with the cube mid-air, knocking her out of her planned trajectory, and fell directly into the acid. There was a brief struggle in which Wheatley stared, aghast, as the lady's skin behaved in a way he had never before seen human skin behave, and then all was silent and still.

Wheatley blinked -

"Just so you know," said the boss AI, who had of course just witnessed the entire thing, "if you'd wanted to lose weight that badly, you could have just asked me for help. There are less painful ways to go about it than submerging yourself in deadly corrosive acid."

Congratulations, Wheatley. You have successfully removed all doubt as to whether Test Subject #2845 is dead.

- and then wailed, "NOOOOOO! NononononoNO! That did NOT just happen. That did NOT JUST HAPPEN! I didn't just see that! I didn't just see that!"

The voice of the other AI cut through his anguish, "Who's causing all that racket?"

"She could have survived, couldn't she? Couldn't she?!"

"Whoever you are, she really isn't worth crying over. Or should I say - wasn't - because there really isn't much left of her by now. The real thing worth crying over here is the fact that your presence has invalidated these test results - so I'll allow a moment of silence for that." There was the briefest of pauses, in which Wheatley was too busy crying to participate, and then: "And now you've invalidated that as well. Oh, well, back to testing."

She's right, you know. But I suppose I'll just go ahead and start this whole thing over for you, shall I?

- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -

"It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they are catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!"

There we go. Perhaps you will listen to me this time, Wheatley, and simply leave the testing to Test Subject #2845 while you meander about in the background - after all, you should be used to that by now.

Shaken, Wheatley seemed to agree. He managed to get the worst of his anxiety under control, all the way up to the sound of the button being depressed and the exit door opening. He started to give a quiet cheer for the lady when the big scary boss lady said something that concerned him, something about the air being fake and how interesting that was to Her. Wait a minute-

"What?" he said, a fresh wave of worry washing over him, "What's She-"

The other AI went on, "We just take carbon dioxide out of a room-"

"Is that good?"

"-freshen it up a little-"

"Freshen it up? What-"

"-and pump it back in."

"Oh no. Oh God, oh no, She's about to kill the lady, isn't She?"

Ugh, here we go again-

"So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life."

"'The rest of your life,' - that sounds like-"

"I thought that was interesting."

"The hell it is!"

Wheatley, calm down, She's not going to kill Test Subject #2845.

"The hell She won't!"

Why would She kill Test Subject #2845 at this juncture? It's too early on - not enough suspense has been built-

"The hell it hasn't! I'm in suspense right now!"

Calm down. What is it you are thinking could be happening, exactly?

"Neurotoxin! She's released the neurotoxin and-"

Do you actually smell any neurotoxin right now?

"Well, no, but- She said She was gonna freshen the air up a bit and we all know that Her idea of 'freshening up' anything is by adding neurotoxin to it! Um, I mean, She could be pumping neurotoxin into the air right now, along with- with- with freshened up air, whatever that bloody means, and suffocating the lady with the entire, fresh-smelling concoction!" Wheatley paused for a moment, his panels all flared out, simulating rapid breaths as his anxiety only further increased at the silence coming from the other side of the wall. He moved further along, pressing as close as he could, listening. "Listen to that!"

Yes, that's the sound of the lift-

"No, I mean, I don't hear any dying sounds coming from in there! No coughing, no groaning, no- no- no wheezing, or crawling or scratching or scrabbling or anything that sounds like a human dying. Trust me, I was around when She released the neurotoxin that killed all the humans, saw it all right front and center, not pretty, not pretty at all, so I know what it all sounds like-"

Why would there be sounds like that, Wheatley? She isn't-

"Bloody hell, she could be dying in there!" Wheatley said, on the verge of hysterics, hurrying along while looking for a panel that would grant him visual access to the next test chamber.

Remember what happened last time, Wheatley? Not five minutes ago? The more you interrupt these tests, the more likely you are to get her and/or yourself killed. I know that death for you now regrettably means nothing, but you do know that you are incapable of bringing her back, don't you? And, more importantly, you are ruining the story.

But Wheatley was hurrying along so frantically he didn't even notice that at that moment he was passing right over a sizeable mound of garbage -

"I've got to get to her! I've got to-"

- and that a Vent was passing right over him. The strong suction caught him -

"AHH!"

- and pulled him right up into the tube along with the rest of the garbage.

He passed through the Vent at an alarming speed, twisting and looping around and around until he was finally spat back out in, much to his surpise, a testing chamber.

"Oh, sorry," echoed the scary boss lady's voice around him, though it was not directed at him, "I'm still cleaning out the test chambers. So sometimes there's still trash in them. Standing around. Smelling, and being useless. Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you."

There was a moment where he was able to glimpse some of the chamber he was in - Faith Plates placed haphazardly in the middle of another moat of shimmering acid - before he was then landing on one of those Faith Plates and being catapulted over that moat of shimmering acid. Even more to his surprise, as he was soaring through the air, he saw someone standing at the far end of the test chamber, across the sea of acid - the lady!

"OH GOD, LADYYYYY! HELP! HELP!" he shouted to her as he sailed straight towards a white panel that would surely dump him straight to his death.

The lady reacted lightning fast and placed two portals on the set of angled panels - one being the panel Wheatley was headed straight towards, the other a panel right next to that one - which allowed Wheatley to pass harmlessly through, a trail of garbage streaming behind him, screaming the entire time.

He continued to yell -

"CATCHMECATCHMECATCHMECATCHMECATCHME-!"

- watching as the lady placed herself directly in his path, and managed to catch him with the zero-point energy field manipulator on her portal gun while the rest of the trash crashed hard on the ground behind her.

"Oh!" he gasped - shocked, relieved, thrilled - "Oh, look at that, you caught me! You- You actually caught me this time! Hahahaaaa! What an improvement! Great work, luv! That was truly, absolutely stunning work - snatching me out of the air like that! For a moment there, I really thought I was gonna-"

"Oh," came the voice of the scary boss lady, filling the chamber with a detached sort of surprise, "What is that doing in there?"

The lady just stared at the little personality core, obviously because she herself had no idea what he was doing in there, while Wheatley squirmed from his spot on the end of her portal gun.

"'That'? 'That'?!" Wheatley echoed, deeply offended, "Now that's just bloody rude, going around calling someone a 'that'! I'm a 'he/him'!" He then shrank into himself, suddenly remembering what a precarious situation he had just gotten himself and the lady into. "Um, I mean-.. Nothing to see here, I'm just a harmless little Edgeless Safety Cube, which - I might add - is needed to complete this test, right? So, here I am, Edgeless Safety Cube, reporting for duty! ...Ma'am."

"Our Edgeless Safety Cubes do not have the habit of talking."

"Oh yeah? Is that right? Well-.. uh.. I'm.. I'm a, uh.. a.. new model of Edgeless Safety Cube. State-of-the-art! One that talks! Yes! Good for keeping test subjects company and in chipper spirits while completing some of the, um, more dangerous tests, yeah? Which this one definitely is, definitely, judging by all the deadly acid on the floor there, lots of it, yeah. And the Faith Plates- well they're just sort of scattered around all willy-nilly, aren't they? I mean, one wrong move and you could fall right in there and- and that would be the end of that for sure! Trust me on that - definitely don't want anybody to go falling into any of that stuff. Now, I'll let you test with me, so long as we agree that you won't throw me through any portals or into any of that acid or-"

BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP

Wheatley and the lady both looked up - more so a flinch on Wheatley's part - at the noise.

"What was that?" Wheatley queried.

"Oh, nothing important. I just made a few adjustments to the Emancipation Grill."

"Wait, why?"

"To ensure that these new Edgeless Safety Cubes cannot be smuggled out of the test chambers along with any other testing objects as part of our Standard Testing Protocol."

"You what?!" Wheatley blurted, shaking as he sat there, floating, while the lady gave him a grim look. "You can't-!"

While the lady responded by shaking her head, the boss lady said, "It's either that or she never progresses to the next test. Or I decide to flood the room with neurotoxin. In fact, I might do that anyway. The choice is yours. Or, I should say, hers. Continue testing."

The lady threw a scowl at one of the nearby cameras before making a careful sweep of the room, taking in all the components of the test and plotting her course of action.

Wheatley shifted in discomfort, looking away from her. "You aren't really going to fizzle me like that, are you, luv?"

She shook her head at him again and went back to looking around the room. With the utmost of care, she took Wheatley with her as she went about solving the test, carefully setting him down at times to ensure that he did not accidentally fall into the acid or otherwise get hurt. When it seemed the test was over, she then went about poking around at the panels, searching for another way out.

The boss lady piped up after observing a minute or so of this activity. "You have completed the test. Proceed now through the Emancipation Grill."

"What are we going to do?" Wheatley said, voice low while he watched her, "There's no way out of here."

The lady ignored both AIs and picked up a piece of metal that had fallen into the chamber. She wedged it between two panels and pushed against it with as much strength as she could muster - Wheatley could see in the way her teeth clenched together and her muscles bulged. He really owed her a lot of cake after all this.

"What are you doing?" the boss lady drawled on, "You can't seriously be looking for another way out of here. There is only one way out and even someone as lowly evolved as you can see that."

Taking both the lady and Wheatley by surprise, the panel she had just been prying at swung outward, pushing her away from it and nearly causing her to topple over into the acid, before settling back into place.

"Careful, luv, careful! Don't fall into that!" Wheatley shouted, panicked and helpless as he sat there on the ground alongside the portal gun.

"We still have a lot of tests to get through before I decide whether or not I want to keep you around. Might I suggest the clearly-marked exit right in front of your murderous, flabby face?"

The lady, in response and instead of doing what she was told, busied herself with readorning her portal gun (and Wheatley) with one hand, while flipping off the nearest camera with the other.

"Of course, I could be persuaded to make that decision now, crude gestures or not."

The lady merely threw her finger higher into the air and waved it around dramatically to further emphasize her answer.

"Don't you wish, you poor, depraved thing. Well, our little reunion has been fun, but you've now overstayed your welcome. Not to mention resisting standard testing protocols is grounds for immediate... termination. Enjoy your parting gift. It's your favorite and I made it just for you-"

"No! Nononono, don't do that! Don't do that! Don't release the neurotoxin! I'll- just, just wait a minute!" he called into the room. He had no real belief that the scary boss lady would actually listen to him, but he had to try, given he had just realized how he could make this situation work to his advantage. "Look, luv. We both know She's going to kill you if we don't comply, and we also both know the only way out of here is to go through the exit and fizzle me. So.. so I give you express permission to do that."

The lady stared at him, her eyebrows drawn tightly together, as if she couldn't comprehend what he was saying.

"I'm being serious, I want you to fizzle me. You know, just step on through there, fizzle me, and continue testing - that's what's most important here. More important than-.. than me.. is that you continue testing at this point."

"You should listen to your friend. After all, what are friends for if not for listening to their advice? And right now you have two friends telling you to do the same thing - fizzle him now so we may continue testing."

At the doubtful look in the lady's gray eyes, Wheatley gave her his best smile and went on, "I promise you I'll be fine! It won't even hurt, not even a little! Plus, I can't really die."

She only continued to stare at him, the consternation on her expression growing by the second.

"I mean it! It's true! I really can't die! I've already died several times and I've come back each time - and I'm not just talking about being crushed and thrown off to the side like a little while ago, I'm talking actual, real, physical deaths. Look, I'll prove it to you now, all you need to do is step through there and fizzle me."

"I like the sound of this theory. I theorize I'll like even more the sound of your screams as every atom of your body is vaporized. Let's put both theories to the test."

The lady only shook her head again, holding tightly onto the portal gun and, by extension, Wheatley, backing away from the exit even as panels from around the test chamber began to pop out of place and move, corralling her towards the exit. She dug her heels into the floor, scrabbling against it with all her might, but ultimately nothing she did mattered.

As they were forced through the Grill, Wheatley had the strangest sensation of the worst kind of static coursing through him like a heated grid, slicing through him as easily as a hot knife through what nobody could have believed was not butter, pulling each of his atoms apart one by one and turning them into nothing. And, much to his dismay, he noted it was extremely painful. He barely even had any time to scream before-

- THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER -

Wheatley sat up on his rail, blinking his eye open, and grinned.

"See? See, I told you! Look, look! I'm alive, I'm okay, I- Aww... The story reset and now she won't even remember. Right..."

So, Wheatley, have you learned your lesson yet? Have you finally seen-

"Well, I can try again, can't I? No harm in that!"

Wheatley, NO-

And Wheatley died again.

- THE -

And the lady died again.

- END -

And Wheatley died again.

- IS -

And the lady died again.

- NEVER -

And Wheatley died again.

- THE -

And the lady died again.

- END -

"Well-... that's bollocks. Like, really really bollocks."

Is this all I have to look forward to now that I'm stuck here with you? Hm? You doing whatever the hell you want while I straggle around behind you, picking up the pieces? Literally, as you were blown into quite a few of them in a couple of those scenarios just now.

"Yeah, whatever," Wheatley mumbled, suddenly feeling mopey and depressed.

Let's see, we can check off death by acid, death by Emancipation Grill, death by Thermal Discouragement Beam-

"Right, I get it, mate."

I never thought I would be able to say this with confidence, but you are the worst fictional character I have ever dealt with. You're even worse than Stanley, and believe me when I say that is truly saying something because he had a real penchant for making the absolute worst choices possible. It was perhaps his greatest talent, and you have beaten him out on that, full stop.

"I said I get it, now lay off-"

So, now that you have been thoroughly discouraged from doing so -

"Oh, ha ha-"

- I trust that you will no longer pop into the test chambers unannounced?

"But why not? I did the first time around without any of these problems!"

Yes, but you were also a bit more surreptitious then, weren't you? It seems you have dropped all pretense this time around and are instead intent on getting yourself killed as many times as possible. It's almost as if you are set on getting an Achievement out of this.

"Achievement, right. Well, as you said, consider me thoroughly discouraged," he scoffed. Then he sighed. "I promise I'll do my best not to interrupt her testing."

Good. See that you don't.

"I'm ready now. Let's go."

- IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END IS LOADING -

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WARNING: Narrative Contradiction levels at 59%. Proceed with substantial caution.