Chapter 9: Realization

Dr. Paulsen came back in the early morning and found Chris deeply asleep in the chair, holding Jim's hand. He was worried, Jim's heart was slowing and his stomach and liver showed signs of bleeding. He was probably hurting a lot at the moment. He will come later to talk to her.

Hondo arrived later in the morning. He caught Chris holding Street's hand while sleeping. He got to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. He needed this to start the day well. He stopped to talk with the nurses and brought them some pastries. "Everyone needs some fuel."

"Thanks Hondo, really nice of you. How is Chris?" Andy was anxious about Chris.

"She's sleeping. A lot to process for her… She and Street are really close friends… So losing him is very hard to handle…"

Andy lowered her head. "Wish we could do more…"

"You have already done a lot. Thanks for being with us through this… If you excuse me…"

Andy nodded in approval and Hondo walked till Street's room. Chris was awake, still motionless. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she brushed Street's hand with her fingers. Hondo entered and sat in the other chair, waiting for her to be ready to talk. But she wasn't.

Dr. Paulsen came back at the beginning of the afternoon. Before entering, he made a sign to Hondo who got out of the room.

"How is she?"

"Still processing the news. She doesn't talk, just stares at Street…"

"May I?"

"My pleasure, Doctor…"

Dr. Paulsen came into the room. He stood in front of Street's bed and started talking.

"Miss Alonso, I know this is a hard time but you are the only one who can take a decision. Mr. Street designed you as his legal guardian. As a doctor, I can't do more for your friend. You have to decide if you agree to stop the medication and let him go… I let you a moment to decide, to discuss with your friends. Take your time. I'll be there if you need anything."

Dr. Paulsen got out the room as Chris still remained impervious to any talking. He didn't like this moment. He had become a doctor to help people and he hated being unable to find a solution.

"I won't give up on him, Hondo. Because he wouldn't give up on me… The doctor said he was unable to help but he doesn't mean all is lost, Street can find the solution by himself. Maybe there's something we don't see. Maybe…"

She broke. Like this. In front of Hondo. It was too much. She had already lost too many people in her life and she didn't want to let Street go. Not like this.

"Chris, his organs are failing…"

She nodded "no" with her head. "I'll never give up on him, Hondo. You can all tell me otherwise… I won't…" She turned to Street. "You hear me, Jim? I won't let you down because I feel you're still here. I feel you want to come back… Your story is not over yet. It can't end like this... You can't let me… I need you…" She retrained all the tears she could. "So no, Hondo, I won't take him off from medication. Because deep down I know he'll soon wake up. And don't tell me I'm in denial!"

Hondo nodded. He will not be able to make her mind change. Not now. But did he really want her to change her mind? He was not sure because he believed too Street could wake up. He stood from the chair and walked till the doorstep. "Take the next days off from work, Chris. See you soon, Street." And he left the hospital.

Chris cried. She was alone. She could let all the pain, suffering and rage get out of for once. Because restraining all her feelings inside weighed on her, on her body, on her mind, on her sanity. She felt asleep later on her chair. She woke up in the early morning while Tabitha came to check on Jim's vitals.

"Go back to wake up slowly. Come back with some coffee and cake."

Chris smiled at her, she was so nice to her. She also knew she had noticed she was holding Jim's hands almost all the time. But she was smart enough not to talk about it. She liked her for this. She came back thirty minutes later with a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake.

"Thank you…"

"And you eat everything! How do you want to catch criminals if you're not feeding well?"

Chris nodded in agreement and started eating. Tabitha walked to the doorstep and suddenly stopped and turned to Chris.

"You know Chris, I've been thinking about what you said yesterday. And maybe you could be right… I've checked on Jim's file. And one of the drugs he's taking retains my attention. I talked about this with Dr. Paulsen this morning. And he's investigating it."

Chris swallowed hard. Could she be right? Were her guts telling the truth? "Thanks, Tabitha."

"Not promising anything, just telling you it could be a reason why Jim is not waking up. But don't tell anyone."

Chris nodded in agreement. Morning spent slowly. She enjoyed the moments alone with Jim. Even if most of the time, the room was full of silences. She didn't care. Anyway, she didn't like the crowded room. It made her feel oppressed.

"Hey Long Beach, you know what? I may be right about your medication… So please don't let me go now. Hang on. Dr. Paulsen should come back to us in a few days at max. Meanwhile, this will be our little secret. Now if you excuse me for some minutes, I need to exercise."

Chris stood up to walk a little in the corridor. Her legs were numb, her back was aching. But there was no way she left Jim alone in this gloomy hospital room. The only time she did, he went into cardiac arrest and he had to go through all alone. She won't let him again. Never. Especially when he was here, in this bad shape because of her.

She waved at Mrs. Perkins who was recovering very well from a double pneumothorax. She shared some quick words with Mr. Hernandez who was taking care of his wife, Juliet who had a heart attack. She went to say hi to Thomas, a kid, she met at the cafeteria when he tried to buy a donut when he was being operated on some hours later. Seeing all these people, made her feel a little better. There was hope in this ICU, whatever the others said and she was sure Jim will wake up one way or another.

[…]

When she came back in the room, Molly was already here. Chris jumped in surprise. She thought she would be alone at least till the end of the afternoon. Fate had decided otherwise apparently.

"Chris, I was waiting for you."

From those first words, Chris knew Molly was here to talk, harshly, without compromise.

"Good afternoon to you too, Molly. To what do I owe this visit from you?"

"You already know, Chris…"

"You want to talk about Street, right… What else, anyway."

Molly nodded. Talking was about to be hard. "Right. I'd like discuss the options for Jim. I get that you don't want to let him go."

"You get it right."

"Why, Chris? Why? Why do you impose to yourself and to all his close ones this extra pain? Dr. Paulsen said there was no hope for him. His organs are failing, for God's sake. He must be in great suffering and you choose to keep him for what?"

"You won't make me change my mind. Whatever you say. Whatever you do. I know he's still here somewhere. And those so called organ failures are in fact a means for him to tell us something because he doesn't know how to wake up. But he will. I just feel it in my guts."

"Chris…"

"No, Molly. I do know Street well. He's been my teammate for 4 years now, my best friend. I just feel it, he's gonna wake up. We just need to understand what he's trying to tell us. Just need a few more days, some more weeks. If he has not woken up by then, I promise we'll talk again about this whole medication thing…. But I do know we won't have this conversation because Street will be awake at this moment."

Molly remained silent for a while. She looked at Chris who stayed straight right in front of her. She was convinced she was right. Was she insane? Probably. Molly would have loved to be so sure of something. Except right now, she was convinced Dr. Paulsen was right and that Jim was dying slowly. She let some tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Chris… Don't you think what you told me is crazy? Impossible? I'd love to be like you and believe in some kind of miracles but I'm the kind of people who only spits on facts. And the facts are not in Jim's favor." She paused for a while. "He's dying."

Her voice totally broke and she cried hard. She could restrain the pain. She needed to let all the suffering go.

"Don't you think it's time to let him go? I think he has suffered enough though. You're talking about signs . What if the heart attack was his way to tell us he needed some help him to pass on the other side? What if he is ready and you're keeping him here just because you can't admit that it's over."

Chris swallowed hard. She didn't want to yell on Molly because she was a good person and right now it was only the stress and anxiety talking. But anyway, at this precise moment, it was what she deserved because she was not fighting for the man she loved.

"Why are you telling this, Molly? Don't you think I'm broken when I see my best friend like this? I am! More than I thought I could be broken. He has risked his life to save mine and now I'm standing for him because he can't talk at the moment. He's not dying!"

"Stop denying the truth, Chris. He is and I'm broken too. But at least, I look at the truth face to face. Right now… You're just…"

She stopped talking, afraid of saying words beyond her thoughts.

"Just what, Molly. Finish your sentence, please. I'm what?" Chris was eaten by anger and sadness. A very wrong mix which made her act impudently.

Molly blushed. She didn't expect Chris to be so vindictive. "Just… Selfish… For you, for him, for all of us… Till he's still here, we're still suffering. Once he'll be gone we'll all be able to start grieving."

Chris swallowed hard. She could believe what she had heard. "Look who's selfish now. You want to grieve when your boyfriend is still here, breathing. For God's sake, Molly, fight for your man!"

"I would if I could. But what could I do except hoping and believing in a miracle who will never happen… Sorry Chris but you should think about everything that it implies when you refuse to give Jim his freedom."

"Sorry Molly but I won't kill him if it is what you ask for…"

"I'd better leave then… Will be back tomorrow to see Jim."

"Great, be at work all day… Will come to see him in the evening. Don't think we'll see then…"

Chris hated herself when she was so cutthroat like right now. But when she heard Molly talking about killing Street, she couldn't control herself. She needed to fight back.

Molly took her stuff and left the room all of a sudden. "Goodbye, Chris."

Before Chris had the time to answer, Molly was gone. Chris sat in the chair and breathed deeply. She needed fresh air to come back to her mind.

"Be back in a few minutes, Street. Just need to walk outside a little. Don't play tricks on me meanwhile!"

She took her jacket and walked in the park near the hospital. Listening to the birds and the kids playing eased her mind.

[…]

Hondo came to the hospital after work. He stopped by the nurses's station to drop some pastries his mom had prepared for them. "Any news?"

"No, sorry." Andy answered lowering her head.

Hondo nodded to her, with a slight smile before walking till Street's room. He pushed the door to find Chris reading a book, sitting in the same chair.

"Hey…"

"Hey Hondo, if you come to make me change my mind, you won't be able to. I know he's here, I just know…"

And she burst into tears. Hondo came closer and hugged her strongly, just to let know she was alone in this. He felt the tears coming in his eyes too. Street could have been a little jerk when he joined the team four years ago, he was in fact one of the kindest men he had even met and seeing him like this broke him.

He let Chris go after a while. She stopped sobbing. He rummaged in one of his pocket and handed to her an envelop. She recognized it in the blink of an eye. It was THE envelop. The one containing a letter. THE letter. The letter no one expected to use when he or she worked at SWAT. The one she forced him to write four years ago. When she told him to write it, she didn't think it would be back in her life one day… Even less today.

It couldn't be true. She must have been dreaming. But it was it: she was having a bad dream and was about to wake up. Then Jim will get out of nowhere and told her "I've got you!" and she would yell at him because he was nothing but funny.

"Take it Chris. He addressed it to you. You need to read it. He chose you over everyone else."

Hondo handed her the letter. She took it a little bit reluctantly and pressed it in her hand. Hondo left, leaving her alone with this piece of paper she feared the most in this world.