Chapter 10: Letter
She couldn't stop looking at the envelop, like paralyzed by what it represented. Why did Hondo give her this? It wasn't necessary, she told him Street was about to wake up. What didn't he believe her?
She wiped her tears with one of her sleeves. It couldn't happen. Street was not dying. He couldn't let her alone. She had no one else in this world who understood her so well. Of course Uncle Sarzo and Auntie Elena counted a lot for her like her cousin, Thomas but Street was different. And right now, he didn't make her life a blessing.
She kept rolling the envelop in her hands, becoming crazy. "I don't want to read it because it would mean you're gonna go away and I don't want you to. Especially when I should be here instead of you… I've no one to lose when you have Molly… Please, tell me what to do. Do a sign. Even the slightest one."
She waited but nothing came. What if she was wrong? What if he was indeed dying? She couldn't handle this possibility and swallowed hard. He couldn't. He had no right to. But still a little voice in her head reminded her of what Hondo and Molly had told her earlier. Was she a crazy selfish bitch who kept Jim alive just to feel better? Who imagined a whole story to convince herself he was not waking up because something was wrong with his medication? Who forced a doctor and nurses to work extra hours about her insane theory?
She looked at the envelop once again for a long time… And eventually she opened it because she came to the same conclusion than the others. It just took her more time to process the information. Jim was dying and there was nothing she could do to prevent it from happening. She unfolded slowly the piece of paper and started to read, heartbroken.
Dear Chris,
When I became a SWAT officer, I've been told that once you are a SWAT member, you have to write a letter to the person you care the most. Which sounded completely crazy to me! I'm not a man of superstition. Never have been, even in the worst moment of my life. But it seemed so important to Tan and Luca…
This day, you came and met me in the shooting room. I was lost, alone. You brought me the pad and the pen I left in the kitchen so I could write this letter I was so scared to start. Because to be honest, I had no one to write this letter to. And that was what was scaring me the most to be honest.
I couldn't write a letter to my mom because she was manipulating me at the time, as she has always done. She made me believe she saved me from my dad when in fact she took her revenge over him after years of beating and humiliation by using my innocence and love for her. Not that my dad was an angel. Far from this. The man was a nightmare. But even, she shouldn't have acted this way.
But I won't ever deny she didn't save my life. Because I know she really did save me from this drunken man who would have beaten me to death if he had been able to. But I will never be able to trust her anymore. I could have written this letter to Buck, my father by proxy. Or even Nate, my foster brother. But I didn't think of them because I was not sure they were the people I wanted to say my last words on this Earth.
You noticed my helplessness and told me to address it to you. Just like this. And in the seconds that followed your offer, I asked myself why I didn't think about it earlier. It was so obvious you were the person, the only person I wanted to tell those words. Because you were the only one who could understand me, my job, my creepy childhood.
Luca and Tan believe in superstition, "so it makes it real. […] The letter is not about you, it's about everyone else." You were right and now that I'm writing it, I understand what you wanted to say.
When I told you I was kind of pathetic because there was really no one else to write the letter to. You just gave me a faint smile. A little embarrassed. I have to admit I was too. Maybe I could have thought about Buck, because he saved my life, giving me a purpose. But no, Chris, you were the only person it made sense I wrote my last words, my last thoughts.
Just know that "You're important to me" too and that anything will never "change my mind" about this. To this day, you've been the one, the only person in my life who's been steady, unchanging. Like an anchor point in my blurry existence. Someone who was never afraid of telling me when I was wrong, when I was a spoiled kid, when I was a jerk. And for this, I will always owe you. Because your remarks have made me, have built the man I am today.
My family and personal life is such a mess… You know that. My mom killed my dad for protecting me and it turned out she was as crazy as my drunk father was. I grew up in foster homes. Alone. I met Nate, my foster brother and he died making wrong choices... All my life seems to be haunted by the death of my closest ones.
We had our ups and downs. I'm still feeling guilty I kissed you this night when you have warned me about your policy not to date cops, "any cop, any time" to quote your own words. And I did it yet. When I knew about your past with this Thompson guy and how it broke you and your career. When I know you career is so precious to your eyes. When I do know you are an excellent SWAT officer. An officer who, one day, will run her own team, making once again history.
I hope you never have to read this letter… Because it will mean I'm not here anymore. And I don't want this. I know we have so much to live together. I want to see you rise, to see you shine as you're meant to be.
You were the first person I've ever trusted with my life. This is why it's obvious I want you to be the last person I tell some words before I start my last big adventure somewhere away from here, where I know you will find me one day. The further away from now. Because you deserve to live a happy life with the man or woman of your dream. You deserve to be a mom or not if you decided it's not something for you, to travel, to kick asses, to become 20-David squad leader, to yell at anyone who tells you it's impossible.
I've always admired you from the day we met because "you don't give a damn about what people think, you're just you". And that makes you even more special to me. I don't know what would have happened if I could have lived longer. Maybe we would have been at odds and would have hated each other for life. Maybe we would have been the best besties in the world. Maybe I would have finally admit how I've felt about you since day one, not fearing the consequences of losing my job…
Often I wished we had been more. Despite everything I've told you – I guess I can confess this now that I'm gone. It's weird to write this as I'm eating a slice a Hawaiian pizza and drinking beer being perfectly alive and healthy. I've always regretted we didn't get a chance to be together. To build a relationship. Maybe even a family, who knows? Imagine us married, with kids. Crazy, right?
Christina Alonso, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met and I'm glad to have shared a part of your life. To have walked near you. To have worked with the badass you are. To have been your friend. Your best friend despite our countless arguments and debates over the fact I was talking too much when you didn't talk at all.
Even if I've been awkward from the beginning, my feelings for you have always been here. From the day, you told me "Dogs not Dawgs". I knew you were special. Being able to put me at my place when you only knew me for a few hours.
Life hasn't let us the time or the opportunity to explore our feelings. It always will be one of my deepest regrets. Because I've been in love with you, Chris. Always have been and will remain even when I am in the afterlife.
Don't cry over me. Live your life. Enjoy every little moment. Find the one. Don't do like me who missed his chance. Be brave. Just be you. Because it's what fits you the best.
Your friend forever, Jim
She ended up reading the letter in tears. He had told everything. Each word he wrote she could feel it in her bones. She did love him too. She had thought about them becoming a thing once or twice… Maybe moreto be honest but she had always known it was a pipedream. She kept crying in silence, letting go all her regrets not to have told to the man lying just next to her how she felt because she was terrified of breaking the rules and losing her job. The same man who had given his life to save hers.
She eventually felt asleep in her chair. Tabitha came to check on Jim's vitals. But before she needed to pass a message to Chris. She had heard from Dr. Paulsen, he wanted to talk to her. Too bad, she was already sleeping. And judging by her swollen eyes, she had cried once again. Whatever she said, she sometimes heard her sobbing when she was walking in the corridor. It was obvious Jim was more than her best friend but she doubted Chris had come to this realization yet.
She got out of her pocket a piece of paper and wrote a message for Chris that she placed on the tiny table where she used to eat her breakfast. She picked the blanket on the ground and covered her with it. She quickly checked Jim's ECG and remained in the silent room for a while, watching both of them sleeping.
"You know Jim, you should make an effort for your dear friend, she really cares about you. Deeply."
She replaced his cover, checked on his tubes and left the room. Hoping for a miracle.
Chris found the paper when she woke up because of the coffee smell. She walked to the table and found the note. Dr. Paulsen wanted to see her as soon as possible. She got out of the room and rushed to the nurses's station. Tabitha was there fulfilling the patients's files.
"Hey Chris, sleep well?"
"Yeah, thanks… I've found the paper. Did he say why he wants to see me in such a hurry?"
"No sorry, he just went yesterday evening, told me to ask when he could meet you and left."
"Is he here this morning? I mean I have to be at work…" She stopped and remembered Hondo had told her to stay for the next days. "I mean I'm here for the whole day. He knows where to find me."
She walked to Jim's room abashedly. She needed to know she had been crazy, that all her insane theories about Jim sending her signs were only a pure product of her imagination. She sat, ate breakfast and waited, looking at the hands of the clock which didn't move fast. He finally arrived one, maybe two hours later. In his blue scrub. He apologized not to have been able to be there earlier. He had to operate at the last minute on an ER patient.
"Can we sit, Miss Alonso?"
When he asked her to do. She understood. Her whole world was about to fall, to collapse. She swallowed hard. She begged him in silence to tell her the truth the quickest possible so she could remain in a corner and cried all the tears she didn't have anymore.
"Tabitha came to me a few days to tell me she had listened to you carefully and that maybe you could be right about Mr. Street. I listened to her. She's a very good nurse, one of the best I've worked with and she had doubts."
He paused for a while. Chris was impatient. Could he speak faster or go straight to the point? He was like Street, talkative. Once again, the universe sent her a tricky message.
"I've made some research about Mr. Street's drugs… And I've found that the drug we give him for reducing the risk of stroke is bad for the liver. It can also thicken blood. Found some similar cases in Oregon, Arizona and Massachusetts."
Chris remained paralyzed. She was right? But… How was it possible? She tried to say some words but a big lump in her throat only made her stumbling. "We're doing what now?" She finally told out loud.
"Stop it immediately. Could damage stomach too but it is not mentioned on the notice. I filed a complaint against the laboratory and ordered to stop using this drugs on all the patients of this hospital. Mr. Street should wake up in the next few days. His vitals are already better and the stain on his liver and stomach are fading. Well done, Miss Alonso. You've just saved the life of your best friend."
stood up and left the room after telling her to enjoy her day. For the moment, she couldn't, she was shaking. She was right from the beginning.