Chapter 29: Confronting the past

Days, weeks passed. Now that the three words had been said aloud, it was like nothing could stop them. They knew deeply that soon they will have to say the truth to Tan, to Deac, to Hondo, to Hicks leading them to work in different teams. But for the moment, they agreed on enjoying time together. Getting to know better, even if they knew each other a lot. And to be honest, sneaking around at SWAT HQ, the stolen kisses in the locker room were kind of fun.

They used to find in the armory. To clean guns, reload them, check they were working. Their colleague used to see them here so it was the safest place they could be at HQ without him being caught. Here they could talk, share – especially Street, he was the talker in this relationship. Not that she complained about it, it was fun to listen to his stories and anecdotes.

She worked on herself, trying to open. It was not easy for her but with him, it was a little easier. Chris confessed to Jim that she had never done this before. "Hard childhood." She said to him, pouted. "I guess you know the feeling."

"A little… But I did sneak around with my high school girlfriend, Lola! Oh God! Nate hated her so much. She was completely crazy but I was in love and didn't see how mad she was. Guess I opened my eyes the day I was almost arrested because of her. You never lived this, Chris?"

"Nope. Only in study. Books and notebooks were my best friends."

He felt she was shutting down. Even after months of relationship, she remained a mystery to him. She kept secrets from him. Not that he wanted to know everything. He understood she wanted to keep some things for her. But right now, he would have liked she opened a little bit. He remained quiet not to force her to do anything she didn't want to. Anyway, it was the worst thing to do with her. She would escape and hide somewhere and it was not his goal.

"Maybe one day I had a crush on a boy… His name was Marco. But nothing happened. He was with this blond cheerleader anyway."

"Always the cheerleader girl… Oh God I hated them, they were so swallow!"

She smiled. "Yes they were… My worst enemies at high school. This and my shyness…"

"Chris, you shy? I don't buy it! Just tell me Marco was just not as handsome as I am, right?"

"Idiot!" She laughed. "He was handsome indeed…"

"Don't buy it, Chris. I'm the handsome guy you prefer and I know it."

"What does she know?" Tan asked as he entered the armory. Chris swallowed hard and gave big eyes to Jim.

"That I'm faster than her to strip down and up a gun. She just doesn't want to admit it. Come on, Chris!"

"In your dream, Street!"

They will continue their talking tonight at home. Luca needed the house so he asked them to go to Chris's apartment tonight. Not that it annoyed her but she had her habits now to go in North Hollywood.

Tan and Street giggled listening to her answer. "I want to see this fight!"

"Soon Tan! I'm your girl!"

"And she likes to fight! Can I take the bet, please?"

As she grabbed the towel to clean her gun, her hand brushed Jim's hand. She raised and smiled at him. He quickly brushed her hand and gave her the towel. Grinning and then lowering his head so they were not caught. Day was not over yet, still more hours before being only the two of them.

[…]

"You want more?"

"No thanks I'm full, really. By the way, it was delicious. Didn't know you were so good at cooking. If I had known, I'd have enjoyed your skills earlier."

"Don't be a jerk." She laughed. "About earlier… There's something I'd like to tell you about…"

He frowned. She had this serious look. "Is everything OK, Chris?"

"Yeah, yeah… Just we talked about high school and I think it's fair you know all the story… My story… The one that had made who I am now…"

He was worried. She was so serious, so solemn all of a sudden. "Chris, you scare me…"

She put her hand over his. "For once, just let me talk…"

"When I was 14, I was kidnapped by a gang who believed I was the girlfriend of one of their rivals. I was scared at the time… I did nothing wrong to deserve this. I cried. I explained to them I was not this person but they didn't listen… My mom was dead for only two years then and I believed at this precise moment I was gonna join her…"

He squeezed her hand. "That's awful, Chris…"

She swallowed hard. It was the first time she was about to tell the whole truth aloud. To someone. She even lied to this journalist when she asked her why she became a cop and just said she had been molested as a kid.

"But that's not all…They… They… they…"

She was stumbling on her own words, her own story… She was ashamed of what had happened even though she knew she was not guilty of anything. Just maybe to have been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Or to look like another girl too much. He squeezed her hand harder to let her know he was here. He had this concerned look that gave her the strength to continue. He had a right to know. He was the closest person to her and she wanted to tell him everything. She had kept this secret for too long now.

"They raped me… The three of them… One after another… They raped me… I was so ashamed that I had never told the truth to my friends, to my family… Never reported them to the police either… They released me hours later in a little street when they realized their mistake…"

He didn't know what to do so he listened to his heart: he stood up and went to sit next to her. Not saying a word. She didn't need to hear anything starting with "my poor thing" because it was the last thing she was. She was the strongest woman he had ever known and she had told him this awful story, her awful story. And he had even more respect for her. Because she turned this horrible experience into a strength, because she had built a whole life around this drama and changed it into a way of challenging her. He put his arms around her shoulder. She turned her head and gave him a faint smile.

She swallowed hard once more. She needed to tell him everything. She felt it in his body. He was THE person she wanted to share this burden with. Because he had never judged her. Even when she had messed around a lot. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He was her strength, her courage to confront the truth.

"I came home and locked up in my room. I remained there for days, weeks, refusing to go outside, to school. Auntie Elena brought me food but I barely ate. I was destroyed… I was dead from the inside. She knew something was wrong but she never asked why. Every day, three time a day, she came to see me and to bring me food. Until one day, three weeks later, I woke up from my catatonia and got dressed up, ready to go back to school…"

He embraced her stronger. She loved feeling his body against hers.

"She just told me hello Sweetie and she poured me my hot cocoa in my mug… You remind me a lot of her you know… Never judging, always having my six, never asking for anything in return."

She looked at him in the eyes at this moment. "Thanks Jim."

"Always, Chris, you know this. From day one."

"I do…." She got lost in her memory for some minutes. She appreciated he remained silent. Respecting her story, her feelings, her pain and suffering.

"It is the moment I decided I will never let someone be between me and my goals. That I will get anything I wanted. From this day, I've only challenged myself. Having the best grades ever, be the first one at the police academy, be the best K-9, join SWAT as the first female SWAT agent…"

"Finding the perfect boyfriend?"

She laughed. He managed to make her laugh in the middle of this awful story. He was for sure someone very special. Even talking about this painful memory seemed less difficult when he was near her.

"Don't flatter yourself too much."

"So you're admitting I'm your boyfriend, Chris Alonso!"

"Maybe…"

"Love you too. Don't worry, I'll always be the talkative one in our relationship."

She giggled. She felt lighter, ready to tell him the rest of her story.

"You know I still see them… I looked at these men in the eyes for years. They are wandering in the neighborhood when I go to my aunt and uncle's… One of them is dead… Killed in a gang war. Would like to say it makes me feel better but no, it will never give me back what they had taken from me this day. But it comforts me because I know he would not be able to do this to another girl…"

"Chris…" Jim finally decided to talk. "Thanks for sharing this with me… It means a lot… And I do understand better the hell of the badass you are, your fucking stubbornness which makes me soooo crazy, your unfailing determination… As awful as it had been – and I will never be able to understand what you have been through – this event has made who you are today. The fantastic woman I have next to me, the unbeatable SWAT officer I work with, the girl I'm in love with from day one… Chris, I respected you so much but after hearing this you have no idea how I admire you for the person you have become…"

She didn't know what to answer. No one had ever told her something like this. She felt both flattered and embarrassed. Confessing about her rape today was not planned. She just felt it was the good moment to tell the truth. To tell him the truth because he was the right person, the only person she wanted to tell about this awful part of her past.

This night, they went to bed and she cuddled in his arm. He pressed her broken body against his to let her know how much she meant for him. She nestled against him, she loved the warmth of his body next to her. He kissed her hair, she clutched her hands with his. She wouldn't have like been anywhere else. He was her place, her favorite place in the world, her person. The one she would never trade for anything.

On the morning, she was woken up by the sun in her face. They had not closed the curtains yesterday night. They hadn't thought about it. Their minds were stuck elsewhere. She rolled on her side on face Jim who was still sleeping. She looked at him, at his face, at his perfect kissable lips, at his so adorable dimples. She didn't know what she had done to deserve a man like this. He loved her so much, for years and she had been so hard on him… Especially after their first kiss. But still he stayed, he kept turning around her, being her friend, supporting her no matter what.

Losing him would have been impossible to survive. And yet he almost died to save her life. What other proof could she ask to be sure the man was in love with her. The pain and suffering she felt when she saw him lying in the middle of the street half-conscious had been like an alarm signal. She had never felt like this. Except for Erika who was a very close friend. Seeing Jim almost unconscious brought in her mind all the bad memories from this time.

And today, he was here with her. She had fought her feelings for him for too long. She had almost lost him when he got with Molly, when he was hit by Karlsson. She didn't want to admit the way she felt because it would have forced her to confront feelings she had never felt before. But this night when she did it because she was mad at herself, at her stubbornness, at her stupidity, it all made sense.

She needed this man in her life. She was connected to him as she had never been connected to anyone before. Physically. Their bodies had been built to communicate. Mentally. Their understanding was so well that they didn't need to share words anymore. Spiritually. Their minds were constantly on the same wavelength. She appreciated this total connection, above any comprehension. She felt lighter, cleared from all the weighs of the past. She felt free, ready for a new life with this man she loved too much.

"Hey! Good morning."

She came back to reality as she heard his voice. "Hey! Slept well?" She lost her hand in his hair.

"Like a baby… And you?" He brushed her face with his fingers, enjoying every nook and cranny of her cheeks.

She smiled at him with this smile, this idiotic smile she couldn't remove from her face when he was around, when they were only the two of them.

"Perfectly." He brushed her nose and gave a little kick on it. She pouted and giggled. She slid her arm around his ankle. "I've a crazy idea in my mind…"

"I'm listening…"

"What about a bike ride in the desert, a little trek… Just you, me…"

"And the coyotes?"

"You idiot!" She laughed, then became serious again. "I mean… It could be fun…"

"I'm in! We eat breakfast, get dressed and get some stuff and we go…"

He jumped from the bed after kissing Chris and ran to the bathroom. She turned again in her bed some minutes before getting up. She had a bag to prepare to spend two days lost in the desert with her lover.