Author's note: Heyo! Sorry about the delay, this chapter was a pain in the ass; I ended up practically re-writing the whole thing. It's still not as good as I'd hoped it would be but tbh I'm tired of looking at it so here you go. Hope it's still satisfactory!
There isn't much that should bother anyone this chapter, but if you have any triggers and are uncomfortable with talking about them you might want to check the warnings. Nothing too bad though, Yakko and Rose just have a long upsetting talk.
"So... You think he's the same as you?"
Rose paced in the living room of the base, trying not to let her thoughts get to her. Though, that was proving to be rather hard.
She'd woken up just like any other day and had set off to do exactly the same things she did every day - take a shower, wake Yakko up, demand he make some food before she bit his hand off, yada, yada, yada - but she'd realized mid-routine that she was far too concerned about what had happened the night before to allow this to be just another day. Nothing had really "happened", and yet she felt that the way Yakko had completely spaced out with a blank expression was not something she should ignore.
It was not too far fetched to think that memories of his childhood were returning to him. After all, just because he could no longer access them didn't mean that they weren't still there; she was all too aware of this, considering she herself had some parts of her memory that were inaccessible to her. The reason for her own memory loss was PTSD, but who was to say that Yakko couldn't have something similar? Yes, he'd lost most of his past due to an accident rather than a traumatic event, but there were... signs. He was jumpy, distrustful, had frequent nightmares... Something had happened to him, that was for sure.
Rose couldn't presume that she knew where the trauma came from. Hell, maybe it hadn't even been in his forgotten past; maybe something had happened with the humans, or maybe the event of him and his only family running for their lives was the actual reason for his behavior. It wouldn't be strange, living through such a thing would probably hit anyone quite hard.
Still, the point was that the way he'd frozen in place and just stared at cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling, ignoring her calling him multiple times, was not normal. She'd heard her sisters tell her about her own episodes enough to be fairly certain that he had been in the middle of a flashback... though she wasn't sure how meat could possibly be a trigger. It sort of scared her, in a way; made her wonder if everyday objects or food could actually be triggers, since she had always been triggered by specific things.
More than that though, it made her worry about Yakko's health. They didn't know what could be a possible trigger, and being constantly in danger would certainly only make things worse. They could be sneaking around or having to run from someone, and if either she or Yakko were triggered by something they could get caught or potentially killed. It was dangerous, even for her, who actually knew what most of her triggers were.
"I'm not sure" she attempted to answer StarDust, who was currently sitting down calmly on the sofa beside Marilyn while Rose continued to walk in circles "What I mean is that it's possible that he has PTSD and that I'm worried."
"You dealt with it pretty alright, why should we be more worried about him?" Marilyn, with a risen brow, asked.
"It's not exactly the same thing, sis. We have no idea what could possibly trigger him, and honestly, that's pretty dangerous with the kind of things we do" Rose understood that from her point of view it seemed far too similar to view it as a problem, but the fact of the matter was that even her sisters were aware of what they should keep her away from. In Yakko's case, none of them had any idea what to look out for.
"Okay, so you mean to say we can't prevent it from happening and that it could happen at a time where it would be dangerous" when Rose nodded, her expression worried, Marilyn continued, mildly confused "So if we can't prevent it what are we supposed to do about it?"
"I don't know! Keep a close eye on him… or something" trying to pull her hair off her skull was probably not a good idea, but Rose was so frustrated that simply running her hands through it was not enough "I'm just glad it came and went quickly last night and without any problems, but... Yakko wasn't okay. I could tell."
"Isn't he more of a liability than an asset this way?" StarDust wondered out loud, frowning "If we can't fix this we might have to leave him behind."
"Star! That's so cold!" Rose complained, looking at her with what resembled betrayal "Would you have left me behind too? Our situations aren't that different."
The oldest didn't seem phased by her reaction. In fact, she looked like she would have liked the idea "That way you would have been safe from harm."
For a moment, Rose didn't reply. She knew StarDust had gotten extremely protective over her since… Well, since they'd been old enough for Robert to decide that he wouldn't feel guilt over kicking them in the stomach a few times.
Rose knew that, realistically, it was extremely stupid of her to choose fighting people who could punch and kick her as a profession when she'd been the one who had taken most of their "father's" (and she used this term even more loosely than "mother" and "home") physical abuse. She was constantly in danger of being triggered by an opponent's move-set, and even worse, if she was stuck in a flashback while fighting, she was pretty much incapacitated.
However, there was a certain thing that separated what was happening in the present with what had happened in her memories. Now she could fight back.
When she'd been little, it had been useless to try and run, punch back, talk back, or even try to call for help. The only way to escape Robert's wrath had been to do everything he wanted and if he still decided to beat her, to stay still and take it. There was no way for her to try and defend herself, because a child against an adult that was triple her size and weight was an automatic loss. Now she was older, and she'd trained her body in order to beat down the people who tried to make her submit through violence.
It could still happen, really. All anyone had to do in order to terrify her and send her into a flashback was put her in a position where she was absolutely helpless. If her attacks weren't leaving a scratch on her opponent, if she was injured and couldn't properly fight, chances were she'd already gone into flashback and was trying to sit still and take the attacks with very few chances of winning. The only time she'd really managed to injure Robert had been the last time she'd seen him alive after all, and she'd had help.
The point was that yes, it could happen, but Rose took that risk for the people of WarnerStock. She took that risk for the sake of everyone she cared about. They needed a leader, and though she could sit back and let everyone else act, her sisters would have lost their best fighter. That wasn't something they could afford with how few they were. If they also took Yakko out of the equation, they were left with little to no offense. It just wasn't possible.
Because of this, she'd always told StarDust she'd fight, and her sister had been quite upset by it considering all the dangers. Still, she was a practical kind of person, and she'd agreed with her in the end, though not without reluctance.
So, in response, Rose merely stared at her. Simply because this was a matter that didn't need further discussion.
At this, StarDust sighed "Fine, I wouldn't have, but you are aware that this is much more dangerous than your situation, aren't you?"
"Of course I am, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything in the first place" Rose rolled her eyes "But we can't leave him behind. He'd never accept the idea of being safe in here while Wakko and Dot are in danger with us."
"Yeah... I don't think there's anything we can do, really" Marilyn shrugged, looking completely lost "You should go talk to him, see if he even knows what's going on. All we can really offer right now is guidance, right?"
It didn't satisfy her, but Rose nodded regardless. They couldn't afford to send him to a psychologist when neither of the three Warners had any real IDs. They might be able to fool the Pass Watchers when they went on the train, but they couldn't flash the fake cards around regularly. Someone was bound to catch on that way.
She left her sisters on the couch with a frown on her face still, intent on talking things over with Yakko as soon as possible. Was talking about it really the only thing she could do to help? It just didn't seem like enough... Most things she did didn't seem like enough.
With a sigh she reached the bedroom. As she opened the door she expected Yakko to still be sleeping, or at the very least trying to continue sleeping. Instead, she spotted him not only awake but standing up in front of one of the walls of their bedroom. He was looking at it with a thoughtful look, occasionally touching it with his palm and frowning slightly. She found this incredibly odd, so Rose coughed once to get his attention. She wasn't shocked when he jumped in surprise and immediately turned to look at her.
"… What are you doing?"
"I was, uh, kind of…" he stuttered for a moment, but quickly regained his composure and sent her a sheepish look "This is going to sound weird, but I was kind of... inspecting it?"
That was weird, but who was she to judge. Now that she knew what he was doing, she was only more curious to know the why.
"What, searching for any secret passages?" she smiled playfully, walking over to stand next to him and admire the white structure as well. Yup. That sure was a wall "Not to disappoint you or anything, but there aren't any."
Yakko just sent her a deadpan look, completely unamused by her banter "That's not it. I was just wondering if looking at it more closely would… I don't know, tell me why it bothers me so much."
Rose paused for a moment, processing.
"Walls… bother you?"
He, in turn, shook his head, looking sort of exasperated "No, white walls bother me. Just… walls that are white, not walls in general. I don't get it either, so don't ask."
White walls bothered him? That was pretty specific. Then again, he'd seemed quite bothered about the butcher's even before his apparent flashback, hadn't he?
… Wait.
"You mean the same way meat makes you uncomfortable?"
The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and Yakko's uneasy expression was evidence enough that she'd screwed that up. She'd been so enthusiastic about the realization that she hadn't even bothered thinking that this was something she should be tactful about.
Still, he answered.
"I… Yeah, sort of. It's not like I was subtle about it" he laughed humorlessly, scratching the back of his neck. His expression was still bothered.
Rose found herself with two conflicting wants. On one hand, she wanted to leave the matter alone. Yakko was clearly uncomfortable talking about it and Rose didn't think that they were quite close enough for her to push this much and not have it explode in her face. Not yet.
On the other hand... it would probably only get worse the longer she didn't pry. This was a chance for her to learn more about the things that made Yakko upset, things that probably had to do with his nightmares, his trauma. If she actually got him to talk then she would be able to help him better, and they would probably grow closer as a result. Dangerous as she found it, Rose wanted to be Yakko's friend just as much as she wanted to help him. So, she pushed, but tried to be gentle about it.
"Are there any other things that make you uncomfortable?" she spoke in a light tone, walking over towards her bed so she could sit on it "I kind of need to know, in case you happen to freak out like you did last night."
It didn't surprise her much when she saw Yakko immediately raising his metaphorical talons, mouth a breath away from a grimace. His tail bushed up a little, his shoulders tense. He may have allowed her to pry a bit, but this was clearly a little farther than he was willing to go. Rose figured that if she wanted him to talk, she had to put him at ease first.
"I won't make it into a big deal if you don't" she explained, patting the spot next to her on the bed so he knew he was allowed to sit there. He eyed her distrustfully "I'm also not going to make fun of you or anything like that, promise. This is more for your safety than anything else."
It took a bit, but after staring at each other for a few moments Rose saw Yakko slowly relax. His hands came up to hug himself loosely, as if still unsure, scared. Regardless of any misgivings he may have still had though, Yakko walked over to her. He pointedly ignored the spot next to her and sat down on his own mattress, shifting uneasily.
She was a little sad he'd refused to sit beside her, but still gave him a patient smile "Before you say anything... I wanted to ask you something. You were in the middle of a flashback last night, weren't you?"
The room was silent. Yakko was looking to the side, seeming to fight a small battle inside himself about whether or not he should answer her truthfully. She eyed the way he clenched and unclenched his gloved hands, the way his ears twitched in distress.
"If you could tell what it was…" he finally spoke quietly, sliding his eyes toward her questioningly. There was wariness in them "Do you get them too? Or one of your sisters? You could tell just by looking at it, so…"
"I do" she admitted, and this time she was the one avoiding his gaze, looking down at her hands. An eye for an eye, information for information. She had a feeling knowing that she was in the same boat as him would help Yakko calm down "When I said our situations were similar I was kind of expecting this too…"
"Huh" he muttered. He seemed to think about what that might mean for a moment, frowning down at his lap. It only took him a few seconds before he was looking at her with slight concern "Are yours really bad? ... Mine seem to be, so far at least."
Score! He was willingly telling her info, and all she'd had to do was offer some back. It really was a give and take with him, what with his extremely curious nature.
Still, by doing this she'd basically told him he could pry into her own history, or as much as she could remember of it anyway. If she wanted him to speak she'd have to open up to him first... Was she prepared to give him this information? Talking about it might be good for her, and she'd never been terribly comfortable discussing it with her sisters when they couldn't exactly understand anyway, but... It was still a very sensitive topic.
She couldn't stop her uncomfortable fidgeting when she finally replied, her voice soft and a little wobbly. She couldn't look him in the eye "... They're pretty bad. Feeling helpless against violence is one of my biggest triggers, but also…" she sighed, knowing that saying any more would pretty much reveal her whole backstory to Yakko. She encouraged herself to speak by reminding herself that if she gave more, she would also receive more "Belts. If they're in someone else's hands."
She didn't even need to look at him to tell that his entire thought process had come to a halt at her words; his grunt of shock and discomfort said enough. Not only had he not been expecting that, but it had elicited a strong emotional response as well.
"... Oh."
That was all he said for a good while, seeming to need a moment to absorb what he'd just been told. It was long enough that Rose was able to push herself into looking at him again, and the anger, the indignation she saw in his eyes was... somewhat flattering. To know that he cared so much about her, enough that he was outright furious to hear someone had hurt her like that. It made their bond seem stronger than she'd originally thought it was.
"So," he then muttered in a bit of a growl. Rose was a bit surprised to see that most of the fur on his body had startled to bristle in agitation "That's what you meant by your father being an asshole. I get it."
She blinked a few times at him, somewhat surprised by the cursing that she didn't often hear coming from his mouth. She understood him being angry because she was his friend and she'd gotten hurt, but... The way he was acting, it almost felt like he was personally offended by what had happened to her. Was she supposed to take that as a clue to his past? Shit, she hoped he hadn't had to go through half the shit she had. When she continued speaking it was with a subdued tone, upset.
"... Yeah. That's why. He... Well, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, he made our lives a living hell."
At first she was planning on continuing, maybe forcing out a few details just to get him to talk more- instead, he surprised her again by speaking first.
"Two days ago you said the reason you were so easily irritable was because it was his death anniversary, but the reason you were upset wasn't the fact that he'd died exactly" he started, serious. She almost interrupted to say those hadn't been the words she'd used. Thought to maybe say "excuse you I was not being easily irritable, you were just being a stubborn little shit", but then he continued, shoulders hunching "I feel like I have to ask. Is it because... Because you...?"
Oh, of course he would come to that conclusion. Rose couldn't help but smile wryly at that "What, you think I killed him? Athena was desperate to pin the blame on me from the start too."
She expected him to rush in with an apology, to say that wasn't what he'd been implying. Instead, all she got was him turning his head a little to stare at her, and she only felt more bewildered by how odd he was acting. Could it be because of that flashback he'd gotten? ... Maybe he was still messed up about it.
Regardless, he didn't look upset, or blaming. Just tense. It made her sigh and continue "No, it wasn't me. That, I'm sure of."
She fidgeted a little in place, nervous about admitting to all of this. But she knew Yakko wouldn't use the information in ways that could hurt her "I may have... helped a little, but I wasn't the one who killed the bastard. Hell, I sorta wish I had been. No, from how my blurry memory of the event goes I'd say it was my friend who did it. She... She must've taken him by surprise. She was so small, so fragile, she... She couldn't have won otherwise."
Rose could feel the tears gathering as she thought about her friend, about how much the girl had risked to protect her. As much as the memory upset her, the most emotional pain stemmed from knowing that even with how much she'd fought, Rose still hadn't been able to save her in the end. She'd only been able to prolong her life for a little more time.
"It was self-defense, of course!" she hurried to add, not wanting Yakko to get the wrong idea about her friend. Her voice had started to quiver, and her body to shake. Damn it, she should be stronger than this "He was- he was hurting me, so she- d-did the only thing she could think of, you know?"
Even cold as he was being, she could still see the worry in his eyes as she fought to keep herself together. With a gulp, then closing her eyes tightly as she hissed, Rose continued "She did what she had to, to protect me. I- I would've done the same for her, I would've done the same a hundred times over for her. And yet still, still she-!"
And suddenly there were arms around her, pushing her gently onto a soft chest. Her eyes immediately opened in surprise; when had Yakko switched beds? But it didn't matter when she felt the tears begin to slip down her face, feeling him holding her a little tighter the moment one fell and landed on the fur of his arm.
It wasn't a crushing hug. It wasn't even that tight, she felt like she could slip out of it at any time if she so wished to. Instead, she turned gently in his hold so she could look up at him. She could see remorse in his expression, sadness and a tiny bit of pity. She could tell he wanted to say something, but for a while he just stayed quiet... and Rose basked in it, slowly laying her head on his shoulder to see if that would be going too far. He tensed for a few short seconds, but then relaxed and appeared to allow it.
"I'm…" Yakko finally spoke after what felt like an eternity, letting out a soft sigh and withdrawing from the hug slowly. She wished he would have waited a little longer, he was so comfy... "I'm sorry, Rose. You don't have to say any more. I shouldn't have pushed you so hard."
He sounded especially upset at himself, and that wasn't something she could let happen when they were both talking about things that were obviously upsetting in an attempt to understand and help each other. It wasn't going to be a bed of roses, not when talking about such heavy topics.
"It- It's fine, really" she let go of him as she dried her tears, but she did so reluctantly. He really had been comfortable and it wasn't every day that she allowed herself to get that emotional; her sisters had always had issues with trying to get her to open up, but Yakko was just so disarming. Even when he was distant, she knew he would come comfort her if needed "You don't need to apologize. If I really hadn't wanted to talk about it I wouldn't have, okay? It's not a big deal."
"I think it is a big deal if you ended up in tears because of it" he huffed, but still seemed mostly mad at himself. As if to officially end the moment, he also scooted a little so he was no longer super close to her. She immediately began to miss how warm he was "But anyway... It's my time to talk, isn't it?"
The words surprised her a little, but she had expected him to end up reciprocating eventually. She'd just thought it would take a little more to get the info out of him, that she might have to give him some time. A few days even. To have him just up and talk made her feel like speaking about herself had been more than just "her end of the deal" for him. Like maybe he trusted her a little more after that.
If that was the case... Well, how could she not be happy about it?
He took a bit, but after a few moments it seemed like he'd gathered enough courage to speak "I'll, uh, warn you now that most of the things that 'upset' me are pretty stupid" she instantly opened her mouth to correct him, but he held up a hand to stop her, looking a little annoyed "I know, I know, I shouldn't call them stupid. They just feel like that because they're so random. I mean, I guess there are reasons why they bother me, but... Since I don't remember those reasons it feels pretty dumb to be stressed out over being surrounded by white walls. So, uh... please don't laugh?"
He tapped his foot against the floor rapidly as he spoke, and Rose was now almost convinced that Yakko had been anxious from before they'd even started having this conversation. Clearly what had happened the night before had bothered him enough for him to still be worried about it, to still be upset about it. It was no wonder he'd been so frigid with her when he was usually, even if not completely warm and receptive, at least fairly friendly with her.
"I'll say it as many times as you need me to, Yakko" she sent him a small smile, an understanding one "I promise I won't laugh at you."
Apparently that had been enough, because she saw his shoulders lose some of their tension and he stopped moving restlessly. He didn't outwardly thank her for it, but it was clear from the expression on his face that her consideration was appreciated. It took another sigh before he began talking though, and his words came out stilted and awkward, as if he had to force every word out.
"Like I said before… White walls, red meat- well, red in general. Pointy objects, especially syringes. Blood. I practically never take off my gloves because the sight of my hands without them is upsetting somehow. I don't like jewelry for some reason; necklaces feel like they're choking me and bracelets make me feel claustrophobic."
As Yakko kept listing off things, Rose had to admit that some of his fears were pretty bizarre, but as she'd promised, she didn't laugh and she didn't judge him for any of it. She was convinced there were reasons for these things, though several of them could make perfect sense in situations that she really hoped Yakko hadn't been in. She particularly found his aversion to jewelry to be kind of concerning.
"Loud noises stress me out. And, uh, this isn't even a fear at all but... pierced ears make me kind of uncomfortable."
Rose almost laughed at that one, but it would have been a laugh of surprise "I hear ya! Who the hell would pierce their ears anyway? They'd have to be seriously masochistic" she'd have figured most warners would find piercings weird, especially around the ears. They were way too sensitive, that would hurt like hell.
Surprisingly Yakko's list of uncomfortable things was pretty scarce. When she mentioned this Yakko merely shrugged and explained that these were just the ones he knew could be potentially triggering. With his amnesia, there was the chance that there were more he just hadn't had a chance to encounter.
"Hm, I guess that's true" she mused, thoughtful "These are all things you must have encountered fairly easily in your day-to-day life after all. Red meat in meals, syringes and pointy objects during doctor appointments, white walls, which are everywhere-" she paused. Suddenly something occurred to her, and she gasped out her next words, sending him an almost accusing look "Wait- That's why you asked me to change the color of the walls?"
He jumped a little at that, immediately looking down at his lap and looking too much like a kicked puppy for her tastes. She practically stared him down in return.
She'd been so confused the first time he'd brought it up, declining merely because it had felt unnecessary. If he had just explained she would have been more than happy to paint the walls herself, especially if he had told her how serious it was. It was a little saddening, therefore, that he had opted for shutting up and bearing it rather than talking to her. It was a blatant show of how little he truly trusted her.
The thought made her frown sadly, sighing "You could have just told me it was a serious problem for you."
"I..." he began, making himself smaller in his seat. His expression was almost despondent as he spoke quietly "I told you, I thought you were just gonna laugh at me. Besides, we weren't exactly the best of friends back then."
It probably hadn't been his intention, but Rose still perked up at his words. So they were the best of friends now? Wasn't that what he was saying? Unsure but still happy, she had to cough a little to lose the light color that had come to her cheeks.
"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore. As you can see, I'm not laughing" her voice then took a softer tone, and she poked his shoulder until he looked up at her again. The moment he did, she made sure to send a reassuring smile his way "You can be honest with me. Hell, you can be honest with all of us. No one here is going to laugh in the face of someone else's issues. We're really not that kind of people."
She had hoped her words would calm him down some but instead he only looked more anxious, bringing his arms up to hug himself lightly "I know you're not. I know that, but..." he sighed lightly, looking to the side and avoiding her gaze "Somehow there's always a part of me that's waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Waiting to be proved wrong, to be betrayed."
She watched as his eyes saddened. She could almost feel her own heart hurt for him, aching to reassure him. To hug him, make him feel safe. But she knew... he wouldn't appreciate that right then. He was too fidgety still, too hurt. He was like a wounded animal, hissing at anyone that got too close. At this point he was only allowing her to look at the wound, trying to actually cure it would just make him scurry away again. She needed to wait until he let her get closer, until he trusted enough to let her bandage the wound. Until he was ready to let it heal.
"It's kind of funny, but I'm at my worst when I can finally relax and 'be happy'" his brow furrowed in frustration, clicking his tongue once "It's like when I finally get to a point where I don't have to fight to survive I just... fall apart."
God, it almost felt like he was describing her.
"... I understand that feeling too well. It's the worst" daringly, she scooted a little closer to him. She felt a warmth in her chest when he didn't move away, only turned slightly to fix his eyes on her "But it makes sense, doesn't it? You have to bury all your hurt and anger when you're in danger, it's our brains' way of keeping us in optimal condition to deal with life-threatening situations. Or... well, sometimes what we consider to be life-threatening situations."
"It does make sense" he scoffed after saying that, frowning down at his hands again "But it still sucks."
There was a brief period of silence, as if they were both reminiscing about a time in their life where they'd had to deal with such a situation. It was a sad silence, but Rose couldn't regret bringing this whole discussion up. It felt like this would make them stronger. Sharing their experiences like this, eventually allowing each other to treat the wounds and allow them to scar... It would help both of them in the long run. She knew it would.
"... Say," Yakko interrupted the quiet after a while, making her look up at him in slight surprise "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but..."
He fidgeted a little in place, looking around the room as if expecting to hear someone object to what he was about to ask. As if he felt like someone invisible could try to stop him at any moment. It seemed like he had to gather some courage, because he inhaled slowly and exhaled harshly before finally asking.
"I... I would like to know more about your friend. About the book" he paused to look around the room anxiously again "I'm kind of curious, but, like I said, you don't have to if you don't wanna-"
"I'd love to."
She smiled at him, glad that having seen her crying hadn't made him shy away from the topic. There was a high chance that she would get emotional again, but she still wanted to talk about it. To talk about her. Remembering her with fondness made Rose feel like she was still there with her, if only in spirit. She didn't want to forget, to pretend like it'd never happened, just because it hurt to think about the girl's eventual demise. She had many happy memories of her she liked to revisit after all, even if she couldn't remember a lot of details.
He seemed incredibly relieved at how readily she'd accepted, finally looking a little more at ease and smiling back at her. With only a brief pause of hesitation, Rose quickly shuffled on the bed over to her nightstand, opening the drawer. Then, she took out the book that she'd been safely keeping there the last few days. Her friend's diary.
"Since I'm going to be talking about my friend, I figured it was a good time to, uh... bring this up" she took a breath as she settled back into her seat next to Yakko, caressing the spine of the book. She began, bringing the diary forth so he could see what it was clearly. Yakko's eyes lit up in recognition when they fell on the cover "When you first brought it back to me, I told you I was too much of a coward to read it, but it's been a long time since I've wanted it back in my hands and... I've realized that I can't not read it either. Even though I'm scared of what I'll find inside... I feel like I have to."
"So... You want to read it together?" his eyes shone with curiosity, but he remained stubbornly in place, not even attempting to look at the book more closely.
She smiled at him, but it was a little uncomfortable "Um, I dunno if I should let you look at it... No offense, it's just-" she sighed, hugging it to herself "It's really personal. I was more thinking you could... stick around while I read it? And I'll maybe read a few passages aloud, talk about some good memories I have with her..."
Yakko looked a bit disappointed, but nodded regardless.
"That's fine. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want me to know... It's none of my business anyway."
That was how they both ended up lying down on their own beds while Rose kept the diary in the air, facing her. She was staring at the page with the words "My Diary" on them, and she did that for what felt like at least fifteen minutes until finally, she spoke.
"I don't know how far in I can go in one sitting. I don't know what kinds of things she might have written about..."
"That's fine," he answered softly. He might not be able to read it with her, but he could still be there for emotional support, right? "I don't think your friend would mind."
That might have been the wrong thing to say because Rose's eyes immediately started watering, but she stubbornly rubbed the back of her gloved hand against her eyes and stared at the book with a mighty frown. Yakko just hoped she wouldn't cry again, he... He really didn't like seeing her cry. It hurt.
"Okay…." she spoke quietly to herself, holding the next page between her fingertips "It'll be just like ripping off a Band-Aid, Rose… Just be quick and it won't hurt…"
He kind of wanted to tell her that just turning the page wouldn't make the words be read by her any faster, but he felt that saying that would only make things worse, so he didn't talk. He just kept an eye on her and hoped that whatever her friend had written in that diary wasn't so horrific that it would scar Rose.
When she finally got the courage to turn the page, there was a moment of silence between them. Rose didn't start reading aloud yet, but he was hoping she would at some point. He'd gotten insanely lucky with Rose's timing of when she'd chosen to have this particular conversation; the voice had been groggy since Yakko had woken up and had complained about being so tired he was about to pass out. It had resulted in him doing the equivalent of rolling over onto the other side of the bed and going back to sleep, meaning Yakko had no voice to tell him not to do things that were considered "dangerous".
It was an opportunity he couldn't pass up.
Gradually, Rose's furrowed eyebrows began to go back to being relaxed. Actually, they'd started rising in surprise.
"This is… terribly concise" she said after a while, blinking at the page she had just read "Somehow I felt she would have written a bit more, even if it's just the first entry."
"Hm? Concise? How?" he knew she hadn't actually allowed him to read it, but it didn't mean he couldn't ask for details. Right?
"I mean, her sentences are really choppy" Rose confusedly turned the diary in her hands, staring at the text with squinted eyes "There's no real information here either. Literally all she wrote is: 'There was a lot of noise this morning, so I got woken up. I ate bread again today. I drew flowers on the wall. Yesterday I saw what my friend called a'..."
At that moment, Rose stopped suddenly and chuckled softly, as if whatever was written next was endearing "Ah, right, I remember now. This was back when I'd just started teaching her how to write" her laugh turned almost sad "She spelled "butterfly" wrong."
Rose had taught her friend how to write? That was interesting, had she taught her other things? Then again, Rose had been really young at the time, she probably had tried to teach her friend things rather than actually being able to do so. His curiosity was far too intrusive for such an upsetting topic, so he shut up and managed to stay quiet, thankfully. It was shocking to him when, instead of putting the diary away now that she'd read a page, Rose turned it slowly and bit her lip as she stared at the next entry. He wanted to ask her if she really wanted to do that, but her decided expression told him all he needed to know. Guess she figured she needed to read something upsetting before she decided she was done for the day.
She only took a minute or two to read the next entry, smiling as she went to read it aloud again for his benefit "Aw, she really was such a cutie... 'Today I went outside with my friend and we sat down under a tree. There were a lot of flowers there, she said we should make 'flower crowns'. Mine wasn't very good, but she still smiled when I gave it to her. I don't know how to spell her name yet, but I'm trying to learn quickly so I can show her. I hope she will be happy.'"
Somehow a pang of emotion rushed through him as Rose read the entry, immediately feeling touched. 'I hope she will be happy'... He could relate. He hoped Rose could gain real happiness soon. He wished he could get closer, but something still held him back, made him wary. He knew it wasn't her, she hadn't done anything wrong and their initial impressions of each other had scattered in the wind now that they properly knew one another. It was just... Somehow, he felt like getting closer would get her hurt in the end. Like he would hurt her. He didn't know what this feeling meant, but it was the reason he was still keeping her at an arm's length. Or, well, at an elbow's length. He had let her get closer after all, just not too close.
"She did actually manage to spell my name right after a lot of attempts. I remember" Rose suddenly spoke up as she stared at the page she'd already read, a big smile still on her face "She'd looked so proud of having accomplished it, she gave me a grin. She didn't use to smile very much, so it felt magical" she let out a soft sigh of happiness, slowly turning the page "It always felt magical when she smiled."
He almost felt like he should comment, but Rose's silence felt like she wasn't looking for opinions, that she was only relaying what she thought for the sake of getting it out there. It helped Yakko understand her better, but it was mostly so she could get it out of her system. He understood and was glad that he could help her even just by listening, remaining quiet.
It shouldn't have surprised him, but after another period of silence while Rose read, her eyes began to water again. She gripped the diary tighter, and when it seemed she'd read the last line, closed it violently.
He didn't bother asking what was wrong when she gripped the book to her chest and took deep breaths, clearly trying to calm herself, but he did voice his concern.
"Are you okay?" was all he said, quietly, holding out a hand as if to touch her, but she was too far away.
"I'm… I'm fine" her voice cracked and she let go of the diary, which fell to the floor, to press her hands against her eyes "I-I'm f-f-fine."
His eyes slid over to where the book was lying, slowly getting up and walking over to where it'd fallen. It would be extremely easy to just pick it up, open the cover, and read whatever had upset Rose to the point of tears. In fact, he did pick it up, and didn't bother making an innocent face when Rose immediately turned her teary-eyes over to him and stared into his own.
She made no move to stop him. She just laid there, staring at him. It made him wonder if this was a test of sorts; a test for her trust.
He could, realistically, do it. Rose would probably get seriously mad and so would the voice once he woke up, but he could do it. He'd been curious about what was in this diary since it had first been given to him- no, even before that, when Rose had expressed an anxious need to have it back. When the voice had freaked out about Yakko reading it, not only when he'd first gotten it but again when they had fought, he knew he wouldn't be able to rest easy without knowing what was so awful about this thing. He just felt like this book... This book had answers. He didn't know what kind of answers, but he knew it was important and that he had to know what was in it.
However, he'd had no intention of reading it in the first place. Why would he ignore his thirst for knowledge that was so strong it was enough to drive him insane? Because he trusted them. He trusted Rose's and the voice's judgment, and if they felt he shouldn't read it, well, he wouldn't read it...
Not yet.
All he did was open the drawer on Rose's nightstand and let the book fall out of his hands and onto the wood, sliding it closed a second later. Rose let out an audible breath as he walked back over to his bed and sat down.
"There. Now it can't hurt you" he spoke with an exaggeratedly serious face, puffing out his chest as if he'd just slain a dragon. His profession for a long while had been to make people laugh, and he'd be damned if he couldn't at least get a chuckle out of a mourning Rose. He at least wanted to clear the air a little.
Her sudden laugh was high and squeaky, probably a side-effect from her crying, but it sounded happy all the same "Oh, my hero. Thank you for putting the monster away."
"Anytime, princess" he then leaned forward, stared at her with a serious expression, and whispered "Anytime."
There was only a brief moment of silence before she burst out in laughter and rolled around on her bed, wheezing "Fuck! You're so lame! … But at least I'm not sad anymore."
"Like I said," he laughed with her, his expression now soft and understanding "Anytime."
Rose, rolling over in her bed to face him, hummed thoughtfully, narrowing her eyes at him. Then, as if remembering something, she smiled at him. It was sad, but it was a smile nonetheless "You know... You actually remind me a lot of her."
He jumped a little in surprise. Should he feel flattered…?
"Really? How so?"
"Well…" she rolled over again, now lying on her stomach, and looked at him curiously, not for the first time, like she was trying to understand his way of thinking "Just the way you want to know everything. You don't usually keep your doubts to yourself, even if it's probably inappropriate to ask. You voice them, so that you can get answers."
"You love knowledge, don't you?"
Yakko didn't even need to think about the answer to that question. He loved learning, but honestly, he hated being in the dark more. He hated not knowing things more than anything in the world; there was just so much knowledge to attain! And… he hated to admit it, but most of the reason why he wanted to know so much was because he was missing an important chunk of his memories. It meant he'd lost the most important kind of knowledge: experience. It frustrated him to no end.
"Yeah," he answered a bit begrudgingly after a while, feeling a bit put down by his own thoughts "I love learning."
Rose didn't bother pointing out his slightly depressed attitude. Instead, she tried to continue the light subject of conversation, even as a dark cloud of sadness hung around them both.
"She loved learning too. At first she didn't much care for it, but when I first showed her a book she went nuts over it" she laughed, as if recalling the exact moment in her memories. Her eyes practically sparkled. Yakko got the impression that Rose hadn't just cared for that girl as any other friend "She begged me to bring her more, and… That's kind of why I gave her this diary. Well, that and because I wanted her to practice her writing."
It was okay to ask now, right? Rose had practically invited him to do so several times.
He decided to take the risk "Were you her personal teacher or something?"
Instead of getting upset, she laughed "Well, something like that. I took up the position on my own, and it's not like I knew much of anything, considering my own education was pretty limited. That and I was a child. I don't know if I ever told you, but we used to be pretty poor, my sisters and I."
"Really?" this surprised him, considering that they were princesses now and probably the wealthiest individuals in all of WarnerStock.
"Oh yeah," Rose nodded, giving him a wry smile. He wondered if it bothered her "We were farmer kids. When you're that low in the hierarchy you're lucky to know the alphabet and basic math, but Athena was generous enough to get us books every now and then. It was really the only way we were able to learn more important things."
As if her previous position was uncomfortable, she turned around once again, sitting down on her bed and kicking her legs in a childish display that went with the memories she was telling him about "We sort of learned together, she and I. I used to take books over to her and we'd read them together, but even though I had the tools to learn, I wasn't very good at understanding the text; that's where she was better than me. So I brought the book and explained what I knew, and then we'd read it together and she'd tell me what she got out of it. It was a sort of exchange."
"… Huh."
The more he heard about this girl, the more he felt that she and Rose had had more than just a simple friendship; it sounded like they 'd had a companionship so strong that her death had affected Rose as much as the death of a sister, or even a daughter would have. The blonde sounded incredibly protective of her, and probably didn't want him to read the diary simply because she wanted to keep most of the memories of her to herself. Because they were just that important to her.
"… You really loved her, didn't you?"
Rose froze.
For a few moments, there was a tense silence, and he half expected her to yell at him, half expected her to deny his accusations as if he'd asked her if her friend had been more than just a friend to her. If Rose had had romantic feelings for her. He himself didn't really know in which way he had meant it.
Instead, she began trembling.
"… Yeah" she finally croaked out, her eyes once again full of tears. This time, she didn't fight them, and he saw how they slipped down her cheeks before she hid her face in her hands "Yeah… I did love her. I admired her, I cherished her. She was… my most important person-"
A sob cut her off, and once she'd started she couldn't stop. He hadn't meant to upset her, but he felt like maybe it was time that she get the chance to let the feelings out properly. It was high time that she allow herself to cry without restraint, to scream and screech, to yell about how unfair the world was. So instead of trying to get her to stop crying, he just silently stood up from his bed, walked the two steps to Rose's own, and sat down next to her.
He didn't flinch when she threw herself at him. He didn't flinch when she hugged him like a life-sized teddy bear, or when he ended up pinned down on his back by her weight. When he slowly wrapped his arms around her and held her, hearing her sobs and letting her tears soak into his shirt, he knew he'd made the right choice.
Whatever happened down the road, even if they ended up hurting each other in the end... He'd cross that bridge when he got to it. For now, he'd be there for her. He'd be her friend and her pillar.
He'd protect the people he cared about.
Warnings: Talking about triggers, talking about child abuse, talking about death and the deceased.