2 WEEKS EARLIER...
"Oh Ben, it was so wonderful of you to let us stay the weekend at your wonderful house!" Jennifer Uno(Benedict's sister in law)said cheerfully.
"My pleasure, Jenny." Benedict said tiredly. Benedict Uno, otherwise known as Father, the most infamous and feared kid-hating supervillain in the entire world, was going though a bit of a rough patch at the moment.
He had been suffering a string of defeats starting a couple of months ago when he tried to bring back the man known as Grandfather. (And he WAS the Grandfather of all evil). The most recent humiliation was the loss of his pipe, which was stolen from him by none other than his infuriating little nephew Nigel Uno. Where that boy was, he had no idea. He'd been trying to find out for weeks with no leads whatsoever. He should have known he would get nothing out of the the boy's parents.
The decommissioned Number Zero(possibly one of the greatest Kids Next Door heroes to ever write in the Book)and his wife Number 999 (the first female member to join the Seventh Age of the KND) knew nothing. He should have suspected as much, especially since they were COMPLETELY unfazed when he intentionally had one of his infamous flare-ups.
He had almost enjoyed letting his anger overpower everything else. The heat had seared his footprints into the floorboards and sparks flew from his hair as the flames highlighted his silhouette in a blaze of heat that put his fiery rage on full display, and all his goody-two-shoes brother had to say was "I say, Ben old boy, it's rather warm in here. Mind turning up the AC?"
They were decommissioned, alright, blank and boring as any adult with a snot-nosed 10-year-old had the right to be. Benedict was in a funk and having his brother and sister-in-law around was not helping anything. He was eager to see his houseguests leave.
"Give Nigel my love!" Father forced out through gritted teeth. He was tempted to just kill his brother right here. Set him on fire, the tubby idiot would probably think it got too hot and not even notice as the fire seared his flesh and bones. That would bring Nigel Uno back! Send a message to those Kids Next Door saying that Number 1's father was dead and if he didn't come back the villain would do the same to his mother. The thought almost made Father happy, and he about had an unseen smile on his face until he heard Monty's reply.
"I'm afraid Nigel's a tad spaced out at the moment. He went on a weekend trip with his little friends, and they're playing a game with their 2X4 doohickeys."
Spaced out. The story had been consistent the entire weekend. Nigel was away for the summer, but too "spaced out" to be bothered. He saw a mischievous glimmer in Monty's eyes, the same glimmer he had when they had stumbled into that old tree and found the book of KND, the same glimmer his son had inherited. But it couldn't be, all weekend long Monty had prattled on and on about fishing and sousaphone. No, the legendary Number Zero was decommissioned, he was sure of it, but what if he wasn't?
Father began to light up one of his fists. I'll throw a giant fireball at old Jenny, Monty! See how dumb you are when your wife is scalding hot! The evil thought was about to become an evil cackling quote when Jenny picked up a big glass jar containing, of all things, the Delightful Children's toenail clippings.
"Oh Benny! This jar is perfect! Can I take it home?"
THAT WAS IT! His Delightful Children had not been showing him much respect as of late. Ever since Number 1 had disappeared they had become increasingly rebellious. He had tried to scare them, to make them fear him like they used to, but he was going soft and it showed. He had told them if they were going to collect their toenails like that, then they had to keep their jar in the bathroom. But it was in the living room OF ALL PLACES!!! He had had it!
He exploded in a burst of flames. He was done! Moments before burning everything and everyone in his path, his rage fizzled out. Oh, what was the point? The former brilliant and brave Kids Next Door operatives just stared at him dumbly as the flames went out. Smoke was still smoldering in Father's hair as he slumped into his favorite arm chair and sighed.
"Sure, take the jar." Father was looking forward to when his guest were gone. Maybe he would change into his fuzzy yellow and pink robe and eat some rocky road ice cream.
"Thank you so very much Ben!" Jenny Uno picked up the disgusting jar and finally started to leave, but Monty stayed. What did he want?
"Say, Ben, have you gone to see Pappy lately?"
Father sighed. He had been asked this question at least a dozen times over the weekend. "No, Monty. I will though, I promise. Don't see the point though, you were always his favorite."
Monty responded with a tight brotherly hug. "Nonsense, Ben! There's zero chance Pappy had a number one."
Once Jenkins the butler closed the door, Jennifer Uno gave her husband's ear a painful tug.
"Were you trying to get us killed? You saw how mad he was!"
Monty rubbed his ear. "Sorry, dear, but you wouldn't let me bring over the tapioca pudding as a gag gift, so I just had to find some way to amuse myself." He gave his wife a sheepish smile.
Jenny sighed. She just couldn't stay mad at her husband for very long. "Well at any rate, we got what came here for."
"Yes we did, love." Number Zero and his wife Number Triple—9 (who weren't really decommissioned) took their suitcases and the big jar of toenail clippings and headed home. They had work to do.
Later that afternoon Benedict was indulging himself in a pint of Rocky Road, lounging around in his fuzzy bathrobe and reading his favorite piece of literature;"A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift. He wasn't planning on ever standing up again. Maybe he could just sit here and live off rocky road.
Jenkins entered the living room. "Sir, a lady is here to see you. She says it's of great importance—"
The butler cut himself off. His boss was surrounded by empty ice cream cartons and judging by the melted TV remote on the floor he was still in a very bad mood.
Father sighed. He was in no mood for company.
Jenkins cleared his throat. "She also had a gift for you and she says if you send her away then you won't get the gift."
Father set down the ice cream. "Fine, send her in."
What did he have to lose? Besides, she was giving him free stuff. Who could pass that up?
The woman who entered had long blonde hair that was pulled back and wore very high heels and a string of polished pearls. She smiled politely to reveal a perfect set of teeth. This stranger was very pretty, in a motherly sort of way.
"Mr. Uno," she said warmly, in a prim British accent that was almost Americanized," it's a pleasure and an honor to meet you." She put down the small package that she was holding, a black gift wrapped with a red bow on a small end table.
"What do you want?" Father said lamely. He was suddenly feeling very embarrassed about his bathrobe and slippers.
The woman smiled her perfect smile.
"Only three things. To make your acquaintance, to give you a gift and to make you an offer."
Father still shoveled Rocky Road into his mouth. "Well, you made my acquaintance, now what do you want?"
As if talking to a child, the woman asked, "Well, aren't you going to ask my name?" Her smile was starting to slip.
Father grumpily sighed again. "Fine. What's your name and what do you want?"
"Well, my name is Roberta Griswold, thank you for asking." Roberta said brightly. "Now, aren't you going to open your gift?" Father sighed for what seemed like the buhmillionth time and took the package that seemed to be color coded especially for him.
Inside was a new pipe, identical to the one that was stolen.
"Our people tried to match it precisely... I do hope you like it."
She had Father's attention. "Your people? Really, who are you, lady?"
But Roberta simply put a well manicured-hand on his sticky chocolate-covered one and said "I am quite a fan of Swift and his Modest Proposal, although I think the essay being seen as satire is a little antiquated, don't you think?"
"I couldn't agree more." Father said popping in the new pipe. His guest smiled at him.
"I especially like to hear it read aloud, in a very masculine baritone voice… perhaps you could assist?" Roberta moved Father's robe away from his chest and placed a manicured hand on Father's coal black chest.
4 HOURS LATER
The Delightful Children were finally getting back to the mansion. It was late and the setting sun told them it was two hours past curfew, but at this point the Delightful Children didn't care. Ever since the fiasco at the "Rainbow Monkey Let's Learn About the Lavatory Fun Park" they saw Father as a failure. How many times did he fail to turn the Kids Next Door into the Kids Next Done For? They were through taking orders from him, especially after being flushed down a giant toilet. Ever since they had gotten home they had done as they pleased and Father had only made a token effort to impose authority. They didn't even put their jar of toenails back in the bathroom on Friday morning before they went off for a weekend at the beach. When they walked into the Mansion they were surprised to not find Father at his usual spot in the living room stuffing his face full of ice cream. Instead Jenkins was quietly sitting in Father's armchair reading a detective story.
"Where is Father?" The Delightful Children asked in unison. It was never a good sign when his routine suddenly changed.
"Wouldn't be surprised if he was making more of you." Jenkins gave a little laugh but then said "He's with a lady friend, and he wants you all to wash and prepare for supper."
"Father? A lady friend?" The Delightful Children gasped in unison. This day was certainly turning out to be a very unusual one. Exchanging looks, they went upstairs to take a bath and get ready for supper. Father never tolerated anyone being late to a meal.
Supper was lamb with mint jelly and roasted potatoes. Father and his 'lady friend' were late. About ten minutes after the Delightful Children had sat down they heard laughter as Father and his mysterious friend came down the stairs.
"Well?" The Delightful Children said impatiently as Father pulled out a chair for Roberta.
"Well, what ?" Father said innocently. They noticed that he had a pipe in his mouth and they all wondered where he got it from. "Father! You are ten minutes late for supper, if you think that you can—"
"SILENCE!!!" Father shouted at the Delightful Children, and they knew at that moment their old Father was back. Lenny protectively put an arm around Constance, who was trembling like a dry leaf. The man kept roaring at them in his familiar voice, which was just as full of rage and hatred as ever.
"You children have been acting like brats for TOO LONG!"
Roberta put a hand on Father's shoulder. He cooled off instantly and said "…It doesn't matter though, my Delightful Children, because we have returned and it's all thanks to this lovely woman."
Roberta smiled at the Delightful Children. "Welcome home, Bruce, Lenny, David, Ashley and Constance. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm looking forward to getting to know all about you and in time I hope you will all call me ... Mother."
"Mother?" The Delightful Children gasped in unison.
They were beyond weirded out. The Delightful Children knew evil, and as polite and welcoming as this woman was, she was evil. Something felt very, very wrong.
"Now then," Father said, cutting a bloody piece of lamb and roasting it to well-done with his fire powers, "Miss Roberta was just telling me about this wonderful thing they have in her world called... unwinding."