Post Andrew's Death

Carina watched from the doorway as Maya moved with purpose around the kitchen. She knew she'd been awful to her the past few weeks, and she didn't really know how to accurately portray how sorry she was or how grateful she was to Maya for supporting her through this. Carina had let Maya hold her the night before even though she felt like she didn't deserve it, because she knew that Maya had needed it. That was the first moment where she'd really become aware of the effect this was having on her wife. Maya had been amazing, not appearing to take anything that Carina had said or done personally, and sitting with her only during the short intervals where Carina allowed herself the comfort.

"Maya, could you come over here for a seconda?" she asked after a while. Maya immediately turned, pure love and concern on her face. She basically ran from the sink.

"You okay, Car? I mean obviously you're not, but-" Carina gathered Maya's hand in her own, partially as an attempt to calm her, but also because she wanted to be connected to Maya physically.

"I'm okay right now, Maya. I just wanted to say that you have been an absolute angel this whole time, and I know that I have not been anywhere near the easiest to be around, and that I have been terribile to you, and I am so so sorry," Carina looked down, angry that there were tears falling yet again, "Just tanto grazie, Maya, ti amo ti amo."

"Oh, honey, you just lost your brother, your other half. You are allowed to be terrible for as long you want. I'm not going anywhere I promise." Maya lightly wiped away Carina's tears with the back of her hand. She wanted more than anything to give her wife a hug, but she didn't want to make Carina feel uncomfortable by doing something "too soft." But Carina stopped this particular line of worry when she hugged Maya first, tight, like she was never going to let go. And Maya didn't really want her to. She hadn't been able to hold Carina like this since Andrew's funeral, and that had been nearly impossible especially when Carina was in so much pain.

"Ti amo too by the way," Maya whispered. Carina buried her face in Maya's neck.

"Grazie."

"Is there anything in particular you would like to do today?" Maya asked. Carina shook her head, trying to get closer to Maya. Maya smiled sadly, and pressed a kiss into Carina's hair. She was glad Carina was finally letting her hold her, but Maya still hated seeing her going through so much emotional turmoil, especially blaming herself for Andrew's death.

"I like that you knew him."

"Hmm?"

"Andrea," Carina clarified, "It makes this a lot easier. I get to feel connected to him through you."

"I'm so glad I got the privilege of knowing him, baby. He was amazing. Honestly, he was one of the best people I've ever known besides you. As much as I hate that you essentially had to raise him and yourself on your own, you helped make Andrew the incredible man that he was."

"He was pretty incredibile wasn't he?"

"He was wonderful." Carina pulled back slightly from their embrace so she could make eye contact with Maya.

"That day you met him for the first time, he came into my room later that night all, 'Carina, if you don't marry that girl one day I will.'" She laughed. Maya hadn't heard her laugh in weeks. It was music to her ears.

"Damn I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had absolutely no idea I was walking into a full-on interrogation," They both laughed, "But then the way Andrew welcomed me with open arms as soon as he'd decided I was good enough for his sister. I'd never been approved of before in that way. There's something about you DeLucas that makes me feel truly accepted."

"You made him feel accettato too, Maya, you know that right? He was constantly searching for approval anywhere he could get it because he was not getting it from papá. Other than Grey and me, you were the only other person he consistently got that approval from." Maya's eyes filled with tears. She hadn't even acknowledged that she was grieving too, that Andrew was like a brother to her. She hadn't allowed herself to feel those feelings, because Carina's well-being was the priority.

"Thank you." Carina smiled sweetly, capturing Maya's lips in her own.

"Bambina, I know you have been burying your own feelings of grief because of me, and I understand that it doesn't feel right to you to feel them around me, but per favore promise me that you will go to Andy's for an afternoon and feel them." It made Maya's heart soar, that even in the midst of the worst time in her life, Carina was still worried about how this was affecting her. Maya knew that she had to grieve, especially in order to be the best supportive partner for Carina that she could be, but she was worried that once she started, she'd never stop. Maya's relationship with her own brother was so strained, and when all of that had been going down, Andrew had been there. Mason's first overdose, it had been Andrew holding her hand until Carina had made it to the hospital.

"I will, Carina. I promise."

"Grazie, bella," Carina said, kissing her again, "You've been so perfetta with all these ideas of how I can release all of this guilt and anger and grief, and I just worry that you told me to blame you partially because you blame yourself." It was true. Maya did blame herself, but she knew it was stupid, and that's why she hadn't wanted to tell Carina. She knew that she'd gotten there as fast as she possibly could, and that she wouldn't have been able to talk Carina or Andrew out of following the woman. However, it was hard to fully trust that when someone so important to her and her wife had lost his life as a result. Maya sighed.

"You're right. I do blame myself, but the more that I tell you the reasons why it's not your fault, the more I accept that it wasn't mine either. Andrew was so so amazing, but he was also stubborn as hell. Nothing was going to stop him from getting on that train, and I know that. I struggle with the fact that I didn't let you go in after him, but that could have resulted in losing both of you, so I wouldn't change that decision even if I could."

"Andrea was definitely a stubborn ragazzino. Dio mio he was so frustante. Half the time I wanted to schiaffo his stupido testolina." Carina pushed away from Maya, and huffed in frustration. She buried her face in her hands, then dragged them through her hair. "Maya, why do I miss my stupido fratellino so much?"

"Because he wasn't always your stupido fratellino, sometimes he was just your fratellino." At this Carina broke, sinking to the floor, her head falling between her knees. Maya sat down next to her, attempting to provide comfort without overwhelming her. Carina turned, moving so her head was in Maya's lap as she sobbed. Maya immediately entangled her fingers in Carina's hair, playing with it a soothing manner.

"I've got you. Shhh, I've got you."