The Breaking Point, Early Covid
Maya yanked her face shield off with one hand, closing the door to her office with the other. When she'd become captain a little over a year before, she'd thought that was the hardest it would ever be. The lack of respect from her team was hard, but it wasn't nearly as hard as being captain during Covid had been. Maya rarely ever got a break, and when she did it was barely long enough to take off her mask before the alarm was ringing and she had to go run another call. With Covid they'd been trying to send as few engines to a single call as possible, to limit exposure. However, this meant that Maya was going to, and leading, virtually every call they got. She had more paperwork, and less time to do it. Maya couldn't remember the last time she'd seen her wife, felt her on her body, slept by her side. With this new realization, the text on her phone from Andrew was even more concerning. Andrew hadn't texted her much lately; he'd been pretty busy trying to keep Meredith Grey alive. When was the last time you talked to Carina? -Andrew. Maya felt her heart stop beating for a moment. I texted her this morning. Haven't heard back. Maya jumped as her phone dinged, an immediate reply. Come see her? Maya didn't even think before she had her coat in one hand, her keys in the other. On my way.
"Herrera!" she yelled once she was in the hallway. Maya heard the thump of boots on the concrete, and then Andy was in front of her.
"Yes, Cap?" Maya's face softened. She didn't want to make this seem like an official order. She needed her lieutenant, but she also needed her best friend.
"Andrew, Carina's brother, texted. I need to go see her. Can you handle the station for a few hours? I'll text you if I'm going to be longer." A look of concern covered Andy's face. From what she knew but Carina, she was pretty strong, so if she needed Maya, it must have been serious.
"Maya, of course. I've got things here. Go be there for your girl," Andy said. Maya smiled. She stepped forward, kissing Andy on the cheek.
"Thank you." Andy gave her a thumbs up as she buzzed herself out, heading for the parking lot.
When Maya reached the hospital, she sat down on one of the benches outside. They weren't letting outside people in, unless they were patients or visiting doctors. Maya pulled out her phone and called Carina. It only rung twice before Maya heard the familiar voice, "Ciao, this is Dr. Carina DeLuca. I am unable to come to the phone right now-" Maya hung up before it finished, calling Andrew instead. He picked up on the third ring.
"Maya?"
"I'm here. Carina's phone's off. Do you know where she is?"
"No, but I could go ask around," Andrew said.
"Could you?" she asked, "Thank you, Andrew."
"Maya, I wouldn't have texted you if it wasn't bad. She needs you, and I'm willing to do my part in making sure she gets what she needs. Plus you're not horrible, and maybe I miss you."
"I miss you too, Andrew. Go find her." Maya could feel her anxiety worsening as she waited for Andrew to call her back. She clasped her hand around her thigh, trying to stop the bouncing in her leg from getting worse. Maya couldn't stop thinking about how she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen her wife in person; she knew that she was spiraling, and that she couldn't be in this headspace when she found Carina, but strangely she couldn't remember any of the exercises Diane had given her to manage her anxiety. Before Maya could slip any further, her phone rang.
"Andrew," she said frantically.
"I talked to Amelia. Carina decided she needed a break and some fresh air. She's at one of those benches that overlooks the waterfront."
"Si. Thanks, Andrew." Maya felt herself begin to calm with the knowledge that Carina was, at least physically okay.
"Anytime, Maya." Maya shoved her phone back into her pocket before taking off at a run in the direction of the waterfront. Soon enough she reached an occupied bench, saw the familiar brunette waves, a touch of pink scrubs.
"Carina," Maya called out gently, not wanting to startle her. Carina turned slowly, her eyes meeting Maya's. She let out a breath, and Maya's worry spiked.
"How did you-"
"Andrew called me," Maya explained, "May I sit?"
"Per favore." Maya took a seat, placing her hand over Carina's, which was tucked under the side of the bench. She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Carina's forehead. Before she could sit back, Carina's arms jerked forward, grasping Maya.
"Oh, baby," Maya sighed, returning the hug, pulling the brunette as close as their position on the bench allowed. "What happened?"
"Prima di questo stupido virus, non avevo mai perso una mamma in tutta la mia carriera," (Before this stupid virus, I had never lost a mom in my entire career) Carina mumbled. Maya kissed her shoulder.
"I know."
"I lost my third mama this month today," she said, and Maya's heart broke for her. She knew that it had been especially hard for Carina, who had never lost a single patient to all of a sudden have expecting mothers that were too scared to come into the hospital until it was too late or expecting mothers that contracted Covid.
"Oh, Carina, I'm so sorry." Maya wasn't sure what to say. She usually knew exactly what to say, but she wasn't sure that words were enough here, so she pulled Carina a little closer, and just held her for a while. Eventually Carina pulled out of the embrace, her sadness replaced with anger.
"Porca miseria." (Holy shit.) "I got into OB to bring new life into his world, not to call time of death on mothers and babies," as usual Carina spoke with her hands, her accent thick, her words overflowing with passion, "I-I-" Carina took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."
"Baby, it's okay."
"No," Carina's voice broke, tears filling her eyes for the first time since Maya had gotten there, "It's not okay. It's just—it's not. She was nineteen. She had placenta previa. She was skipping her hospital checkups because she was afraid. So she got here too late, and because of Covid protocols, her mom couldn't come in with her so she—she died alone. And her baby died alone. And I just had to tell her parents that they lost their figlia and their grandchild." Maya struggled to keep her own tears from falling. She brushed her thumb across Carina's cheek, kissing the corner of her mouth. Carina's sobs continued for almost half an hour, and Maya sat by her the whole time, soothingly moving her hand up and down her back, using the other hand to tuck Carina's hair behind her ear as it fell. Eventually, Carina was out of tears to cry. She moved forward, leaning her body against Maya's, needing the support. Maya's arms instinctively wrapped around the Italian.
"How are things at the station?" They'd made a promise, back when Covid had struck, to update each other whenever they could.
"They're not that bad." Carina pulled back, taking Maya's face in her hands, attempting to look as deep into Maya's eyes as she could.
"Maya, you can't diminish your own problems just because I lost a mom. I want to hear about how things are going. For real." Maya cleared her throat, trying to hold in the tears she knew weren't far away.
"It's been rough. I'm running all the calls now. They're trying to only send one station per call, which puts me in charge. There's so much paperwork, and so little time to do it," she could barely get one word out before she was saying the next, "When Andrew texted me, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen you, told you I loved you. I was so worried, because your phone was off and I can't come into the hospital, and Andrew was trying to find you, but he hadn't called me back, and I don't remember the last time I slept, and even when I get the chance, you're not there."
"Bambina, hey, breathe. Breathe," Carina interrupted her. Maya released the breath that she had been holding in; it came out harsh, depleted. Maya attempted to suck in another breath, but she couldn't, and a weak cough came out instead. One of Carina's hands flew to Maya's chest.
"It's okay, bella, va bene. Just give it a second. You're going to be alright." Carina repeated the last sentence a few times before Maya was finally able to take in a full breath, and she felt the panic subside.
"I missed you," she said once she could talk.
"I missed you too, Maya," Carina paused, "I think we both need to find time in our schedules to be able to see each other more regularly. I know it's virtually impossibile, but I think it's necessary for us to be able to effectively do our jobs."
"I think so too." Maya nodded.
"We all have a breaking point, and we have both just happened to hit ours."
"Hey, Carina?"
"Yes, Maya?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, bambina."
"I'm sorry that I don't remember the last time I told you that."
"It's okay. I'm sorry that I don't remember the last time I told you that either."
"It's okay."
"Who is in charge at the station right now?"
"Andy."
"Oh si, certo. Do you think Andy would be able to take over for the rest of your shift? I'm off in a few hours, and I would love to just take you home if that would be at all possibile."
"How about this: I'm going to go back to station now and work until you're done. Then I'll put Andy in charge for the rest of our shift, and I'll come pick you up?"
"Sembra perfetto." (Sounds perfect.)
"You go back and be the kickass OB/GYN I know that you are. I'll go suffer through a few more rounds of paperwork, and then we can kick off our shoes, order some takeout, and catch up on all the sleep we've missed," Maya said.
"Baciami." Maya smiled, grabbing Carina's scrub top, and pulling her into a kiss. They both poured as much of what was unspoken as they could into the kiss, before pulling away.
"I'll see you at five."
"I'll be in the parking lot waiting." With that, Carina turned back towards the hospital, her gaze staying locked with Maya's until she'd couldn't walk sideways anymore. Then she turned and walked straight ahead, back to the hell they found themselves in.
Maya had four more calls before she got back in her car to head back to the hospital. They had been fairly straight forward, until the last one. A teenage couple, who lived across the street from each other, had decided to go up on their respective rooves, so that they could talk on the phone while actively seeing each other. Somehow, the boy had ended up hanging off the side of the roof of a three-story house, while the girl had climbed a tree in his front yard to try to help, and had also gotten stuck. Maya knew that she had been a teenager once, that she and Carina very well might have done exactly the same thing had the pandemic struck when they were in high school. However, that did not make the situation any less stressful or frustrating for Maya as captain. She finally felt herself relax when she saw her beautiful wife waiting by the edge of the parking lot, sitting on the very bench Maya had found herself on earlier that day. Maya brought the car to a stop, before sending off a text to Carina. Look up. Maya watched Carina's eyes light up as she read the text, and that was enough to make her forget the call altogether. Carina got up from the bench, grabbing her duffle. She walked excitedly to the car, pulling Maya in for a kiss as soon as she was inside.
"I saw the teenagers in the pit. Hunt said you brought them in."
"Yeah. They decided they just had to see other, even if it meant climbing onto a roof." Carina couldn't help but to laugh, immediately giving Maya an apologetic look.
"I'm sorry, bella. I don't mean to laugh."
"No," Maya cut her off, "It is funny." She joined in Carina's laughter, and they just sat there in the car for a few minutes, laughing. It was nice. It was something that both of them had missed. Laughing— being with each other.
"Was that the only call you had?" Carina asked as Maya reversed the car, preparing to pull out of the parking lot.
"No. The other three were pretty typical though. A small fire, a pet rescue, another small fire," Maya explained, "How about here? Any laboring mothers?"
"Not after the mom I lost. I had a chance to look over some of my research for the first time since Covid. That was good."
"Carina, I'm so glad."
Maya had always honored her wife's dedication to her research. Research was to doctors as writing was to English teachers. They always wanted to do it, but the teaching was something so immediately gratifying in a way that writing wasn't. Being on the front lines, actively making people better, bringing new life into the world felt a whole lot better than working for hours trying to discover a cure for something that might not even be curable. Or, in Carina's case, creating a permanent solve in order to ensure that she never lost a laboring mother again, that no one did. Covid had made prioritizing research difficult. When thousands of people were dying every day from the same disease, it seemed counter intuitive to spend time on a hypothetical when the reality was right in front of you. Maya knew that Carina had struggled with that almost as much as she'd struggled with losing so many mothers. It didn't feel natural to her not to be working on research, but she felt guilty for longing for it when her current job was so important.
"I think maybe I'm finally realizing that in order to be the best doctor that I can be for my patients, I need to make time for myself to work on my research so that I can reignite the joy that going to work used to give me. Similarly to how we have to make time for each other, because that will give us that extra push to get through the hard days." Maya looked at her with all the love in the world, unable to form words in response that would do justice to what her wife had just said.
"You're amazing," she said instead.
"Perché grazie, amore," Carina paused, lifting Maya's hand to press a kiss to her knuckle, "But I believe that what you meant to say was 'we are amazing.'" Maya rolled her eyes.
"Oh you've got jokes, have you? I think that research is already improving your mood."
"Okay, first, bambina, that wasn't a joke; it was a fact. Second, it isn't the research that's improving my mood. Not right now. Right now, it is you that are improving my mood." Maya felt tears gather in her eyes for the third time that afternoon. She had fallen back into the habit of holding all of her emotions in since Covid had begun. Her therapy appointments had become few and far between, and without therapy or Carina around to keep her in check, it had been hard not to revert to her old ways.
"You are something else, Carina DeLuca-Bishop, you know that? If someone had told the rigid sixteen-year-old track star with an emotionally abusive father and a neglectful mother that she would one day be married to a renowned OB/GYN who just happened to be the brilliant and caring, Italian goddess that sat behind her in Chemistry, she would have made a self-deprecating joke about how she wasn't worthy, and laughed in your face."
"Well if you had told the awkward gangly foreign exchange student who struggled to speak English, and spent three nights a week visiting her father in a psychiatric hospital because he refused to take his bipolar medication, that she would one day be married to the beautiful, comedic genius, future gold medal holding, fire captain, track star that sat in front of her in Chemistry, she would have told you maybe in her dreams. Because, in fact, she had dreamed about that very possibility."
"You dreamed about me?"
"Maya DeLuca-Bishop, you've been in my dreams every night since I laid my eyes on you." Once again, Maya was speechless.
"You know what makes me even happier than what you just said to me?" she asked. Carina cocked her head, and smirked.
"Whatever it is that you are about to say, it better be good. That was a pretty smooth line I just delivered."
"The only thing that makes me happier than that smooth line you just delivered is that tonight I don't have to rely on just my dreams to give me my daily dose of Carina. Tonight, for the first time since I can remember, you'll still be there when I wake up."
"Now I would say "where have you been all my life?" but you have been by my side for most of it, so instead I will say where have you been for the past six weeks?"
"Way too busy. Not prioritizing myself or our relationship like I should have been."
"Well that is my new patient, and your new call," Carina declared, "If that makes sense."
"It might not logically make any sense, but lucky for you, I speak fluent 'Carina.'"
"You speak fluent Italian?"
"Not yet. But fluent 'Carina' isn't fluent Italian; it is part English, part Italian, part non sequitur."
"Hey!" Carina pouted, "Stavi andando così bene." (You were doing so well.) Maya smiled at her, a big, goofy smile with all of her teeth. Carina smiled back equally as big, and goofy, and full of teeth.
"What do you say, Dr. DeLuca, shall we go home and work on those new assignments of ours?" Maya suggested.
"That is Dr. DeLuca-Bishop to you," Carina corrected her. Maya gave her a playful, but skeptical look.
"That's not what your lab coat says," Maya pointed out. Carina had forgotten that she was still wearing it. She'd been in such a hurry to finally get away from the hospital and spend some time with her wife that she hadn't left it on the hook in her locker, as she usually did when she was done working.
"Well, Captain Bishop, we are outside of the hospital, no? Last time that I checked, you are not my colleague or my patient. Therefore you are to refer to me only by my official title, which is Dr. DeLuca-Bishop," Carina said in a commanding tone. Maya raised her eyebrows. It wasn't often that Carina took on such a bossy demeanor, and she couldn't say that she was complaining.
"In that case, Dr. DeLuca-Bishop, I think that you meant to say Captain DeLuca-Bishop, because last time I checked we are not at the fire station either," she said, teasing.
"Captain DeLuca-Bishop, I believe that you are correct."
"Homeward?"
"Homeward." Maya switched the car into drive and placed one hand on the wheel. She took Carina's hand with the other. Then she pulled out of the parking lot and set off towards their apartment.