The Proposal

It had been pouring all week, an occurrence not uncommon in Seattle. However, the more mornings that she woke to the sound of rain drops on the roof, the more frustrated that Maya became. She was running out of time. Her fifteenth anniversary with Carina had come and gone, and she was worried that Carina might start to think that she had forgotten. Throughout their relationship, they had chosen to stray from the traditional roles that were present in most heterosexual couples. Anniversaries were no different. Each year they would switch off who planned a celebration to honor their life together so far, and 2020 was Maya's. Maya had been working on the day in question for months. In fact, she'd begun to think about it the very same night that Carina had presented her with a fettuccine Alfredo dinner under the stars on the top deck of the evening Puget-Sound ferry, complete with her very own "fourteen revolutions around the sun" fireworks show. It was in that moment, as Maya sat back against her favorite person, with one of Carina's arms wrapped around her waist and her finger twirling her hair as if it were a fork in the pasta they'd recently finished, watching the sky quite literally light up with their love, Maya knew. Fourteen revolutions around the sun earlier, Carina had started it all with a simple statement: "I would like this meal to be a date." She had made the first move, and it was time for Maya to make the ultimate move.

Now, over a year later, there was a black velvet box tucked behind an outdated ambulance manual in the bottom drawer of Maya's desk. Inside it was a ring, Carina's birthstone, waiting patiently to take its rightful place on the fourth finger of her left hand. Maya had it all planned out. It would start with a trip to Carina's old house (she had contacted the new owners, and being romantics themselves, they had been happy to help), a picnic in the front yard where they'd had their first kiss, followed by gelato at the dog park where they'd used to take the neighbor's poodle, then on to the high school, to the field where they had spoken to each other for the very first time. There, Andy and Vic would be waiting to blast her speech over the loudspeakers. Maya, nervous that she would trip over her words, and needing it to be as perfect as possible, had prerecorded it.

"You know, when I knocked over that cooler of Gatorade, I never could have imagined that it would lead me here. In fact, as soon as I did it, I regretted it, because I figured that when my dad found out, it would just make him angrier at me than he already was. Boy was I wrong. Well, not about my dad being angrier, he was. I was wrong about it being a mistake. Knocking over that cooler of Gatorade was the best damn thing I've ever done, because it led to you asking if I was okay. You asking if I was okay led to me getting in your car, and me getting in your car led us right back here fifteen years later. You might be wondering why it is that we are back here. You may have asked me that question already. Or maybe you know exactly what's coming, and you're standing there trying to figure out what took me so long. I think about that too. Why did it take me so long when I knew the moment that you called me 'tartaruga' that you were someone I wanted in my life forever? The truth is, I don't know. Maybe I should have taken you up on your seize the day proposal the night before your boards. Maybe I should have given you one of my own sometime between then and now. All I do know is that when we were sitting on that ferry boat last year witnessing a bona fide fireworks show that you had curated for me, I couldn't stand the thought of not taking that final step any longer. So here we are, at the very field where I experienced my worst memories, but also my happiest. The happiest. This is the field where our story began, and I am hoping that it will become the field where it reaches its climax. Carina DeLuca, you are the love of my life, the only love of my life, my fairy godmother and my guardian angel, my best friend. Will you marry me?"

Maya had spent half the time she'd been preparing for the proposal writing the speech. Every time she wrote a new sentence, she erased an earlier one. Nothing was right. Nothing was good enough to truly portray to Carina how she felt about her. Nothing was worthy of the woman that had turned her future from a mirror image of her father's, a washed-up bitter ex athlete trying to relive their glory days through their child, to one of true companionship and happiness, saving lives rather than destroying one. Yet, none of it mattered if she didn't get the chance to propose at all. Every part of the outlined evening was outside. How was she supposed to give Carina the proposal she deserved if they were wet and freezing? By relying on it not to rain in Seattle, her design had been flawed from the get. Maya realized that, but it did not solve the dilemma she found herself in. Quite the opposite as it meant that she only had herself to blame. Maya began to feel as she had when she'd been longing to tell Carina that she loved her, just needing it to happen, needing to be engaged so that she could stop being anxious about it. A feeling which only poured salt into the wound. Despite her urgency to have it over with, it was not something that Maya wanted to rush. Carina was the best person that she knew, and she should have an engagement story that made her weak at the knees and want to shout about it from to rooftops. Maya wanted a story that she could feel proud to tell their kids about one day, about how she'd shown their mother how truly wonderful she was and had wooed her into saying yes to a lifetime of worrying about smoke inhalation and axes to the stomach. Maya wanted to give Carina the fairytale moment that she and Andrew had always thought only existed in fiction.

Once again, the skies were gray, and a drizzle covered the windows. It was Thursday, and Maya had the day off. She had the whole day to figure out what to do next. She could wait it out, hope for the best that the sun would return over the weekend. Or she could come up with a new idea altogether. Both were equally risky given that it had taken her months to compose the existing one. Maya struggled to mask her disappointment as she rolled over, draping her arm over Carina's side, and tucking her head over her shoulder. Carina hummed.

"Buongiorno, bambina. Is everything okay?" It had become nearly impossible for either of them to hide anything about the way that they were feeling from the other. Spending virtually every moment by each other's side for fifteen years would do that.

"Si. I just wish it would stop raining."

"It will eventually, and then it will rain again. We live in Washington, Maya. This is what happens here."

"I know," Maya sighed. "There was something I'd wanted to do outside this week is all."

"Hmm. Would that have anything to do with the anniversary that I know you have not forgotten, because you have never forgotten one before so why would you start now?" Carina asked.

"It would," Maya nodded. Carina lifted Maya's hand from her stomach and kissed it, before interlocking their fingers and letting them both drop back against her waist.

"I do not need anything too stravagante, you know. Just cook me my favorite at the station and we can lie on top of the fire truck like we used to," Carina suggested encouragingly.

"That's not enough. Not this time."

"Okay, bella."

"We could still do that though. Whenever you want."

"That would be nice," Carina paused, turning so that she was facing Maya. She placed a hand on each side of Maya's face. "Would you like to talk to me about what is bothering you?"

"I can't. I will though. When I can."

"Alright." she said with a kiss. Maya kissed her back. She could not wait to be married to this incredible woman who knew her well enough not to assume the worst just because the anniversary celebration was taking longer than expected— who gave her the space to open up but understood if she wasn't yet ready to. She could not wait to argue over whose last name would come first in the hyphen, to have joint mail and joint taxes, and a new greeting on their answering machine. She could not wait to dress up as Mrs. and Mrs. Clause and pose in front of a North Pole backdrop to put on Holiday cards that would read Happy Holidays from the DeLuca-Bishops!, because inevitably Carina would win the last name debate. She could not wait for Andrew to be her official brother-in-law, and for Mason to be Carina's, though they were still unaware of his exact whereabouts. Maya thought about giving up and telling Carina everything, down to the heart shaped cheese squares she'd managed to find for the picnic. She decided against it.

"Ti amo," she said instead.

"Ti amo." Carina pulled her closer. "I'll miss you while I'm at work today."

"I already miss you, and you haven't even left our bed yet." Carina absently pressed a kiss to Maya's exposed shoulder.

"I will call you whenever I get the chance so that you do not have to miss me too much."

"Thank you. Not too often, though, because I cannot be so selfish that I keep you away from all of the babies who want to come out into the world today and deserve the best doctor to help them," Maya replied. Carina laughed.

"I will not call you when I am supposed to be delivering a bambino, Maya, I promise."

"Good. Now go so that you are not late to deliver any of those bambinos. I would make you coffee to take with you, but we both know how that would go." Carina reluctantly tore herself from the comfort of her girlfriend, gradually sliding off the bed into a standing position.

"Si. It is okay though. I love you even though you are bad at brewing espresso," she said, leaning down to kiss the side of Maya's head, before starting towards the bathroom. "Join me in the shower?" Carina turned back briefly, giving Maya a wink.

"As tempting as that is, it would almost guarantee that you would be late. Plus, I think I'm going to do an hour on the treadmill, and I don't want to get all clean just to get sweaty again."

"Very well. Your choice, bambina. I will just have to make do with the image of you all caldo e sudato (hot and sweaty) on the treadmill." Leaving a gaping Maya in her wake, she disappeared, closing the door behind her. As Maya heard the shower turn on, she sighed. She could not wait until the weekend. She needed to be engaged to Carina as soon as possible so that she could ravage her all night long in commemoration.

Maya exhaled forcefully as she plopped onto the couch. She had just finished her run, and Andy was about to call her to brainstorm new proposal ideas. Maya had opted to conceptualize possibilities ahead of time while on the treadmill rather than her usual go to of listening to a podcast. This had proved to be unsuccessful, and not only had she not come up with anything, she had also remembered why she'd started listening to podcasts while she ran in the first place. The entire six miles had been a brutal showing of her father's best hits, with every rude and offensive remark he'd ever made about her performance flying at her from a multitude of pathways in her brain. Upon completion, Maya had immediately sought out the closest piece of paper, where she'd written Maya, never run without a concrete distraction again - Maya. She'd pinned it to the bulletin board by the front door. Before she got the chance to dwell on it any longer, Maya's phone began to ring. Andy.

"Hi. I do not have anything. Head empty," she said as she picked up.

"What happened to brainstorming on your own while you were running?"

"Yeah, that's a long story, but let's just say that I was preoccupied. I was smart when I started listening to podcasts during my workouts."

"Yikes that bad. I won't ask."

"I will tell you about it at some point when I am not in the middle of an entirely different crisis," Maya assured.

"You and all of your crises. I never would have guessed when we first met. You seemed so put together," Andy replied.

"Yes. I am very good at faking it. Anyways, Andy, what the hell am I supposed to do? I cannot drag Carina around town in the pouring rain. I also cannot wait any longer."

"We could do something at the station. Like a flash mob in the engine bay. You remember when Warren told us about Matthew Taylor, Dr. Kepner's husband— how he got the other paramedics and some of the doctors to participate in a choreographed proposal the first time they got engaged?"

"Yeah, I guess. That didn't really work out for him though."

"Well, she did say yes. She just left him at the alter for Dr. Avery. That would never happen with you two, because you are Carina's Avery. There's no one for her to leave you at the alter for since you are the only person she's ever loved. Plus, Carina would never do that anyways."

"True. It just doesn't seem like us. Sure I want to celebrate with all of our people after the fact, but I think it makes more sense for it just to be the two of us during the actual proposal."

"In your original plan, Vic and I were going to be there."

"Yeah, on the sidelines. It wouldn't have been obvious; you would have just been pressing play. Also, you forget that the two of you begged me to let you help."

"You got me there." Maya felt her phone buzz against her ear. She was getting another call. She smiled. The screen was lit up with her favorite picture of her girlfriend, a candid of her laughing.

"Uh, Andy, I gotta go. Carina's calling. I'll text you."

"Oh okay. I see how it is," Andy scoffed playfully. "Fine leave me to plan your engagement all by myself while you go all googly eyed at each other over facetime."

"Thanks you're the best!" Maya paused, then said, "Seriously, though, you are the best. I will make sure to go all out when I ask you to be my maid of honor."

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Go talk to your girl." It did not take long for the giddiness that Maya felt to subside. In fact, it only took a single exchange.

"Ciao, beautiful!"

"Maya-"

"How is your shift going? I miss you, but not too much."

"Maya."

"What?"

"Andrea had a manic episode. He's in with Bailey now, but I had to get out of there. There was this patient, and Andrea just kept going on and on about how she was being trafficata and we couldn't let her leave because her aunt was a trafficante. Mio, Maya, he was the exact image of our papá." Her voice broke. "I can't do this again. Non posso guardare questa malattia che porta via un'altra persona che amo. I won't. Not him. Not Andrea." (I can't watch this disease steal away another person I love.) Carina choked on a sob, struggling to breathe.

"Hey hey, I'm on my way. I will be there in ten minutes. Just breathe for me, Carina. Please, just try to breathe for me. I'm on my way." Maya looked frantically around the room, searching for anything that she could throw on top of her sports bra in order to be at least decent. She wrapped herself in her Station 19 zip-up, barely managing to fully zip it before she grabbed her keys from the bowl and was out the door. The drive from their apartment to the hospital was unbearable. It felt like the longest road trip of Maya's life. She needed to see Carina, to see Andrew, to make it all okay. Maya knew that similarly to the previous incidents, when Andrew had taken the fall for Grey's insurance fraud and landed himself in jail, when he'd given himself frostbite by walking miles in a blizzard to retrieve a transplant liver, that her presence wouldn't actually be enough to fix anything, but it was all that she could do.

She found Carina sitting on the ground outside of Bailey's office, her knees pulled up her chest, her head tucked between them. Bailey was sitting next to her. Andrew was nowhere to be found. When Bailey spotted Maya, she lightly touched her hand to Carina's back, then stood. She gave Maya a nod and retreated into her office. Carina looked up and Maya's heart broke. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and her lip was trembling, on the verge of succumbing to tears once again. Maya took the spot that Bailey had vacated. She gripped one of Carina's hands in her own; with the other she brought the side of Carina's head to her lips, pressing a long kiss to her temple.

"Would you want to tell me about it?" she asked. Carina did not say anything. She just stared at their interlocked hands, sniffling. Maya did not push, allowing Carina to process in any way that she needed to. After a minute, Carina turned so that she was facing Maya. Her eyes were fearful. Maya looked back at her, her own eyes filled with unshed tears.

"Maya, I was so scared. There was a code violet, which means that somebody is getting violent with hospital personnel." Maya nodded. She'd once read the Grey Sloan emergency protocols handbook when she was bored. It had been a slow day at the station, and she'd found it stuffed in with their own manuals. "In all my time as a doctor, I had never experienced one. I followed the commotion, and there was Andrea. He was yelling at security to arrest his patients' aunt, that she was selling children. Bailey was trying to talk him down, but he wouldn't listen." Carina had begun to cry again, and she struggled to get the words out. "He wanted us to form a circle around her, prohibit her from leaving. He kept screaming that we had to form a circle. So we did. Grey started it. I think she understood what was going on because I had talked to her. Instead of forming a circle around the woman, we formed a circle around Andrea. We were challenging his sense of reality, so he pushed back harder." At this point, Carina was weeping. Maya just continued to listen. She tightened her grip on Carina's hand, burying the occasional kiss in her hair. "'Please, Andrea,' I kept repeating. He was acting exactly the way that papá does during an episode. Bailey was threatening to never let him back in the hospital if he did not go with security to her office. Finally Grey told him to go, and he agreed." The blubbering subsided, and she spoke again with resolve. "The man I raised, being escorted away spewing nonsense. I dedicated my childhood so that Andrea would not become our padre, and once again I was just the helpless caregiver following behind as a man I loved was ushered from the scene."

"Carina DeLuca, this is not your fault, do you hear me? It's no one's fault. There was always a possibility that Andrew could have inherited the Bipolar, and there was nothing that you or anyone could have done to prevent that," Maya almost shouted, though her voice barely rose above a whisper. She wanted to make sure that Carina truly heard her, without re-traumatizing her. Carina shook her head and continued to do so as she spoke.

"The signs were all there, Maya. We've talked about them. I talked to Grey about them. The signs were all there, and I could have told him. I could have at least saved him the embarrassment of such a public spectacle."

"Odds are Andrew wouldn't have been willing to hear it. You may have just ended up pushing him into the break even sooner," Maya pointed out in return, "What matters is what we do now. What matters is that we get him the help that he needs, give him adequate time to recover, and get him on the right meds early enough so that he can continue to have a functioning life. There is still time, my love. Just because he has Bipolar does not mean that he will become your father."

"I'm not sure where he is. He stormed off. Grey went after him, but I don't know where he is."

"We'll find him. Right now is scary, and full of uncertainty, and it seems like nothing will ever be okay again. But we will find him. And it will be okay." Carina nodded. She bit down on her lip and lay her head on Maya's shoulder. Maya tucked her arm around her. They stayed like that for a while, allowing themselves to just be, to exist within the uncertainty. Then, Maya could not hold it in one second longer.

"Carina?"

"Hmm?"

"I know that this is neither the time nor the place, but I cannot wait. I had this whole evening planned out. It was going to be perfect. There was a picnic with adorably shaped finger food, and gelato and dog parks, and a nostalgic speech about the first time we spoke, and how amazing you are, and why this all took me so long. But it rained all week. That's why I was mad that it was still raining this morning. Carina, I love you more than the number of babies you've delivered, than the amount of pleasure centers that are illuminated on a brain map during orgasm. I love you more than the total number of seconds since I first felt your hand in mine. Together, I know that we can weather any storm, even if it's your brother battling the same disease that destroyed your father. Just like I know that one day we'll find mine." Maya paused, moving so that she was positioned in front of her girlfriend on one knee. Carina's eyes widened, her breath catching in her throat. "Carina DeLuca, you're it for me. We're it for each other. You're my fairy godmother and my guardian angel and my best friend all rolled into a single package with a massive red bow. That bow is your heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life listening to it beat. Will you marry me?" Once more, they were both crying. However, these were tears of joy. There was hardly a moment of hesitation.

"Yes."

"I do have a ring. It's at the station. I hadn't planned-" Maya stopped mid-sentence, registering what Carina had said. She looked at her, a cautious smile starting to appear. "Yes?"

"Yes. Si. A hundred times, yes, Maya Bishop. I would marry you right now if I could." Maya crashed their lips together, not caring that Carina's boss was right next door. Carina tangled her hands in Maya's hair. She sniffed deeply in the process, which turned out to be a mistake. She pulled away.

"Ok, ti amo, Maya, ma cos'è quell'odore?" (Okay, I love you, Maya, but what is that smell?)

"Oh that. Yeah, I hadn't gotten the chance to shower yet when you called," Maya explained. Carina upturned her nostrils in a joking manner.

"Ah I see. You should have taken me up on my offer this morning."

"I know."

"Well, fidanzato (fiancé), as lovely as this has all been, if we want to weather this storm, as you say, then I must go find my fratello. You can join us once you have washed away that stench. There's a locker room with a shower that you can use over by the nurses' station." Maya laughed and nodded.

"That sounds like a good idea, fiancé." Carina kissed her goodbye, this time short and sweet in order to avoid having to reap the aftermath of Maya's earlier run for too long.

"Thank you, bambina. You always know how to make me feel better. And I don't mean just the proposal. I felt like I could breathe again even before that."

"Of course, my love. I will always be here when you need me," Maya assured. Carina smiled. She let go of Maya's hand, and stepped away, preparing to reenter the eye of the storm. She paused.

"Oh, and Maya?"

"Si?"

"Took you long enough."