"Jasper…" Esme's shaking and barely-there voice muttered. "She is still here with us every day. What she has done for you will be in you forever. The improvements you have made in your hunger and control are evidence of her existence."
"All mere fractions of what she was encapsulated in a failure of a failed experiment of nature." I mumbled knowing she would protest.
I shook my head. In truth, I knew what she said to be true. Alice gave me everything, making me into the "man" I am today. I owed everything to her. Her. I owed everything to only her, and without her present in my existence, there was no purpose for me on this Earth. I turned away from Esme and sat back into the worn leather desk chair, placing my head in my hand. I used my spare hand to thumb through the pages of the first edition Human, All Too Human by Nietzsche that Alice had gifted to me for our wedding. The bitter irony that the book prosed upon me was not lost in this moment.
"That is a well-loved book of yours no?" she asked gently, crouching down beside me at the desk. I could only nod, more tears impossibly welling in my eyes. "I think you should hold on...just a bit longer son. It is a selfish thing of me to ask, I'm aware, but I know that this year is going to be different. We've come to Gettysburg son. You have the opportunity to go to the college, a famously historic college with involvement in the Civil War in a town known for its mark in historic changes in path. I truly believe that being here, studying philosophy, and becoming reacquainted with your young Major self would be the best thing for your soul."
I had to admit. I too believed what she was saying. I had lost the small parts of myself I had been finding before Alice left. It could provide a unique opportunity to rebuild myself, and I had promised Alice that one day it would be done. I had never suspected that it would be without her by my side.
"For you Esme." I whispered gazing deeply into her eyes, sending her waves of relief. A gesture that may have been unnecessary, for she took me into a tight embrace faster than I could reciprocate.
"I know that you only stayed with us for her Jasper, but you are a part of this family and we all care greatly for you. Carlisle will be very happy to hear that you'll go. Would you like to tell him yourself? I do think that would be best." She pushed with a bright smile.
I nodded weakly. "Could I have a moment, to process?" My weary eyes met hers, pain hidden within them.
"Of course!" she exclaimed. "I'll leave you alone then." She issued gently already on her way out of the door, glancing back momentarily. Tears shone in her eyes and for a moment I could have sworn I saw one trail impossibly down her firm and defined cheek.
I remained in the office, reading through my heavily worn and dogeared book. My notes in the margins proved entertaining. Bereavement of a mate can alter your thoughts and perceptions of everything, philosophy not excluded. The notes seemed overly positive and joyous, naive. I cannot fathom having those type of emotions ever again, but I was oftentimes wrong. Perhaps this new degree from a historically important college could prove enlightening. I chuckled out loud at the idea.
The night was rather uneventful. More masquerading around my family ensued as I informed them of my decision to attend college for the first time since her absence. Could Esme actually be right? This charade felt easier tonight.