How to Make a Family
Helluva Boss and all related characters belong to Vivziepop
"This shit is crazy, I can't believe I'm..." Blitzo said as he suddenly slapped himself to get some kind of composure. He was currently sitting in a loaner car, no traceable plates, just the kind of car to get him to his target and get him out of there.
"Okay… Blitzo you got this. You can do this. Besides it's the clown that made your life hell for ages. I can absolutely do this and feel guilt free! Hell I'm gettin' paid!" He said to himself as an attempt to hype himself up which, to his own credit, was doing it's job well… maybe too well. He's been sitting in the car for the last 2 hours and it was already getting a bit much with the damn heater in the car somehow not understanding what he says when he chose the AC. Which was just fantastic temps when you're wearing a dark ski mask with two holes for the eyes and two for the horns, a cardigan sweater that he borrowed from his sister because he felt confident about it, a pair of slack jeans, and a pair of hand me down fingerless gloves. All of it black of course, what was he? An amateur?
'Yeah you are numbnuts! If you fuck this up then Loona's going be missing a dad and your sisters are going be down a brother!'
'Yeah but think of the raise you're gonna get from killing this jackass!' The two sides of his brain argued which might be from the mask he's wearing since he's pretty sure he didn't hear them before.
"Okay no no no. I'm doing this. I got hired to do the thing. And now I gotta do the thing! How hard can it be?!" He finally told himself before clearing his throat and getting out… and trying his best to forget he's in the Pride Circle. HIS Circle. Any wrong move could cause Big Kahuna to come down but that's not likely to happen right? "Alright… now where does that asshole live?" Blitzo pulled out a map that his boss gave him and saw a fat X slapped onto a Penthouse.
"HOW DOES A CLOWN GET A PENTHOUSE?!" Blitzo yelled, rather indignant. After all HE could have a penthouse... If he wanted it...Maybe... Probably.
"Hey bud move it or lose it! This is my spot!" An effeminate male voice shouted at him causing Blitzo to yelp at the spider-whore beside him.
"Look pal either move or pay me to suck ya off. I don't got all day." The street walker said, puffing on a cigarette
"Oh I'm sorry see I'm tryin' to whack this guy and I can't seem to find where… this place is?" Blitzo said innocently while pointing at the penthouse.
"... it's literally right in front of you dumbass." The spider-harlot said before pointing with three arms and three fingers at the large penthouse across the street. "You sure you were hired to do this?"
"I mean yeah I was promised money and I mean how can I feed my little girl if I don't play. Plus this guy was a jackass who used to make fun of me so it's a double win!" Blitzo said as the spider-sinner seemed… Unimpressed.
"Whatever ya say doll, just move along or whatever, I got customer's waitin'!" The hooker said as Blitzo went inside, seeing a security guard at the front desk, a hellhound, reading a magazine. His nametag read "Marvin"
"Can I help you?" The hound asked, not bothering to look up from his magazine.
"Yeah uh, can you tell me which penthouse is Fizzarolli's?" Blitzo asked as the hellhound, who still wasn't looking at him, gave a grunt of annoyance.
"Yeah he's on the top floor, the last one on the left can't miss it. Ain't you a little old to be a fan of that jackass?" The guard said as he finally glanced over at Blitzo… and saw the mask.
"Uh… Pizza delivery?" Blitzo said lamely… Before taking the gun and shooting the guard in the face, panicking.
"OH SHIT!" Blitzo cursed as he ran to the entrance, looking out at the hooker and pointing.
"YOU DIDN'T HEAR A FUCKING THING!" Before running back inside. The hooker, for his part, shrugged.
"Diff'rent day, diff'rent shit, no skin off my fuckin' bones." He said to no one in particular. Inside however Blitzo was panicking, as he looked up the registry and found the exact penthouse, taking the elevator up.
"Oh fuck me, oh shit, okay just calm the fuck down, deep breaths, in and out…" Blitzo said… as the elevator ding made him almost leap out of his skin, the door opening as his gun fired once more… Shooting the janitor in the face.
"FUCKING AGAIN?!" He cursed as he just bolted out of the elevator and made it to the penthouse… and shot the knob off. Hey, in for a penny in for a pound on what had to be, so far, the loudest assassination ever. As he rushed in, he saw Fizzarolli… in a bathrobe in his underwear in front of his fridge. The jester demon, slackjawed at the sight of the masked and irritated imp as he held half a tuna fish sandwich which he slowly took a bite out of.
"Uuuuuh…" The jester demon could only say, as Blitzo aimed his gun… and…. A series of clicking sounds were heard.
"OH REALLY?! TOO FUCKING CHEAP TO GET MORE BULLETS YOU STUPID ASS SPIDER SINNING SON OF A-" His rant ending when he noticed Fizzarolli going for his phone. Thinking fast he chucked the empty gun at his head and knocked him over. Running over and grabbing it, Blitzo tried to beat him to death with the empty gun, as the jester just groaned and shrieked.
"DAMMIT STOP! THAT'S NOT GONNA KILL ME! IT'S JUST FUCKING ANNOYING!" The jester demon shouted as Blitzo tossed the gun away and went to the kitchen, grabbing a plate and bashing it over his head.
"GAH! THE FUCK?! LOOK I'VE HAD TO FEND OFF SOME SHITTY HITMEN IN MY DAY BUT YOU-" Blitzo cut him off as he grabbed a frying pan and leaped on top of him
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S MY FIRST TIME!" The imp said as he bashed his target's brains out with the frying pan.
"Well… that shit could've gone better." Blitzo said… as he hoisted the jester demon up and hurled his lifeless body out the window, crashing to the sidewalk below. Thinking quickly he hastily grabbed a pen and paper.
"... And so I ended it the way I always talked about, by smashing my head open with a frying pan and throwing myself out the window…" Blitzo read off as he wrote a "suicide" note… Before wiping the frying pan clean of his own prints and throwing it out the window, where it landed on a particular spider drag queen.
"THE FUCK?! HEY ASSHOLE YER GONNA PAY FER THAT!"
"... Yeah so I'll just go out the back."
LATER THAT MORNING
Blitzo trudged into Barbie's apartment. He would be picking up his payment that night, but right now he just wanted to…
"BLITZ!" He heard as he was soon tackled at the door, falling over as Loona was on top of him.
"Good morning! Are you-" The hellpuppy stopped as she noticed the ski-mask.
"Uh… What's the mask for?" Loona asked as Blitzo ripped it off quickly.
"Oh that? Just uh… Ya know… Office costume party!" Blitzo said as Loona looked… unconvinced.
"But you don't work in an office…" She said, her eyes narrowing a bit.
"Costume party in the boss's office!" He said, still with a shit eating smile as he begged Satan to PLEASE let her buy it.
"... Okaaaaaay…" Loona said… Clearly still not convinced, but not really caring to ask much more. Letting go of Blitzo, she went to turn on the TV, as the imp noticed a distinct lack of his sister in the apartment.
"Uh Loony Toony, where's your aunt?" Blitzo asked as Loona, not looking away from the TV, shrugged.
"She said she had to go, something about an audition or something." Loona said as Blitzo… Got angry.
"Audition my fuckin'..." He said as he went to his and Loona's shared room, undressing and throwing the clothes on the small cot he slept on, and stepping around the extra fold out bed of Loona's.
"Leaving my daughter… Doing…" Blitzo said as he felt his rage… Flicker out. He was way too tired for this. Stepping back into the living room, he looked at Loona and sighed.
"Hey, I'm gonna get some sleep if you need anything wake me up, and especially if Barbie comes back." Blitzo said as Loona just waved, her eyes still glued to the TV.
"Yeah okay, sure." She said as Blitzo sighed and fell asleep the second his head hit the cot.
"Look at me, sitting in a porno theather in Piccadilly Circus talking to a Corpse!"
Loona snorted a bit, laughing at the movie on TV.
ELSEWHERE
An alarm clock rang as Millie groaned, flailing her hand at it to switch it off. After several failed attempts, she just reached behind the bed stand and pulled the cord out of the wall. Sitting up she yawned.
"Moxxie, wake up, we got work in a couple hours." She said as Moxxie mumbled in his sleep. Smiling, she decided to let him sleep a little more as she made coffee in the cheap hotel coffee maker… As she noticed a text that came through on Moxxie's phone. It was from the contractors… Her blood boiled at the text, but she also feared how Moxxie was going to react.
"Ugh… Morning sweetie… Is that coffee…" Moxxie said as he slowly woke up… And Millie decided to bite the bullet.
"Uh yeah… Honey, uh, the contractors just texted." She said as Moxxie sat up on the side of the bed, stretching.
"Oh yeah? Did they finish the roof?" Moxxie asked, a bit excited at the prospect of going home soon.
"Well uh… Yes and no…" Millie said as Moxxie raised an eyebrow at her.
"... What's that mean?" He asked as she didn't meet his gaze.
"Well uh… the leak ain't a problem anymore." She said, turning around to pour herself a cup of coffee.
"... Okay… That's good right?" Moxxie said as he got up and went over to her.
"... The house fell down." Millie said as Moxxie… Stopped dead in his tracks.
"... What was that you just said?" Moxxie asked as Millie sighed wearily.
"The house fell down, it wasn't exactly sturdy and-" Millie was cut off by Moxxie's hand on her mouth.
"Honey, what you're about to hear isn't directed at you…" Moxxie said as he took a deep breath.
IN THE PRIDE RING
"Vaggie, will you-" A certain princess of hell began, as the ring box she was holding… her significant other not seeing it… Fell down a sewer grate as both of them heard…
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING…."
AT THE GOETIA MANSION
Stolas sat, covering Octavia's ears as he heard
"...SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT…"
ACROSS IMP CITY
"...COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKERS!"
Blitzo was JOLTED awake as he thought for a moment…
"Dad is that you?"
Shrugging he went back to sleep.
Loona sat in the apartment bored out of her mind. Blitzo had been asleep for the past two hours and TV was slowly losing her interest as she listlessly flipped through the channels. Looking at the clock on the wall it was eleven o'clock. Barbie was not back from her audition yet, and it was a Saturday so no school to be forced to go to. Honestly, Loona felt something she rarely had ever felt before. Boredom. In the orphanage, well she had been on her guard against pranks of all sorts from the other children, being the only hellhound there tended to mean a constant barrage of dog themed pranks. Needless to say, it got old fast. However she was now in an environment where she didn't need to keep her guard up. A situation that Blitzo had made abundantly clear to her. Still, the idea that someone, anyone really, cared this much about her... It honestly made her confused. Not that she doubted the imp's dedication, dare she say...
Loona shook her head, trying to rid herself of such thoughts. She knew Blitzo cared about her and that was enough for her, the imp proved that much within the first week with how much he spent on her to the detriment of himself. Loona might have been eight years old, but she wasn't stupid by any stretch. Even she knew no one puts themselves in that kind of burden unless they wanted to be... Otherwise they would be scrambling like a maniac to get out of it. Part of her was still waiting for that bomb to drop if she was honest with herself. For this to turn out as too good to be true and ending back up in the orphanage... At best in that scenario anyway. Sighing as she heard Blitzo's snoring, she looked around the apartment... and noticed her aunt's room. The door was open slightly. Barbie had told her not to go in her room, but she had to close the door right? After all she clearly didn't mean to leave it open... And a little curiosity never hurt anyone right?
"Well..." Loona said aloud as she still heard Blitzo snoring lightly. She poked her head inside her aunt's room and... saw nothing really. Nothing out of the ordinary. Bed, dresser, a few posters, one of them showing her and Blitzo as "The Amazing Imp Twins" but that was the only thing that truly grabbed her attention... Until she noticed a syringe filled with a glowing green substance that was on her aunt's night stand.
"... No." Loona said as she began to remember something she had long tried to bury...
"Mom... Mom wake-"
Loona shook her head as she grabbed the syringe and took it to the only place she could think of, the trash can. As she walked to the trash, she heard Blitzo get up and as he came into the living room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes... He saw her with the syringe in her hand... His eyes going wide as he seemingly recognized the glowing mixture inside.
"... You got that out of Barbie's room didn't you?" Blitzo asked, his tone even and somewhat tired... and Loona had a suspicion it wasn't just from waking up.
"Y-yeah, it's-" The hellpuppy began, but stopped as Blitzo took the syringe from her hand.
"Gehenna. I know." Blitzo sighed out, but shockingly to Loona... He seemed to be treating this fairly casually. While it was true, earthly drugs could be found in hell with little trouble, there were vending machines for them after all, the effects on hellborn demons were very watered down so of course hell had its own drug production... And Gehenna was one of the bigger ones. It granted a fiery feeling, like a full body warmth that acted like the ultimate pick-me-up... Except it was also highly addictive, even by demon drug standards. When hell has rehab opening just to get people off the stuff, you know it's bad news.
"... How do you know about this stuff?" Blitzo finally asked after what seemed like an eternity of silence to Loona.
"... My Mom died from it." Loona said after a moment's hesitation. At this, Blitzo had his arms around her in a second, holding her tight. Pulling out his phone he called as he stood up, setting the drug on the counter.
"Verosika? It's Blitz, I had a favor to ask. Can you watch Loona? I need to take care of something important. Thanks. I owe you." Blitzo hung up the phone as he knelt down next to Loona.
"I'm going to take care of this alright? Verosika's on her way over, and you're going have a fun time alright?" The imp said as Loona looked worried.
"Something bad is going to happen because of me isn't it?" Loona said as Blitzo gave he a one armed hug.
"No, this is something between me and Barbie... You just saved us from a bitch of a time bomb that was gonna go off, she would've got sloppy and let us know at some point. Now you be good for Verosika alright?" Blitzo said as Loona nodded.
"Okay..."
TWO HOURS LATER
Barbie walked into the apartment, fuming to herself as Blitzo sat on the couch watching TV, the Gehenna sitting on the coffee table in front of him. Sitting her purse down she headed to her room.
"Ugh, those fucking assholes! I deserved that fucking gig! They're just-" She ranted shutting the door behind her... As silence filled the room. Blitzo just listened as he heard her ransack her own room trying to find...
"I've got it in here ya stupid bitch!" Blitzo called out as Barbie flung her door open... then calmly walked over to to Blitzo, who grabbed the Gehenna and held it tight.
"Snooping in my room Blitz?" Barbie asked, glaring as her twin glared right back.
"Loona found it. Ya know how kids wander... After all the shit Dad put us through with this, now you're going to start?" Blitzo said, his tone harsh with enough edge to cut steel.
"Oh real nice, the fuck up of the century telling me how to-" Barbie began as Blitzo stood up and stared her down.
"AT LEAST I'M NOT TRYING TO FUCKIN' KILL MYSELF!" Blitzo roared as he threw the syringe as hard as he could breaking it against the wall.
"HEY! Dipshit I paid for that!" Barbie snapped as Blitzo began to pace back and forth, seething almost.
"ALL the shit you gave me about needing a job and having to be responsible, and you're pulling this shit!" Blitzo ranted as Barbie scoffed angrily.
"Oh I'm SO SORRY! I'll just go adopt a random kid and put myself in a bigger hole than I was in before, that's SO MUCH better right?!" Barbie shot back as Blitzo whipped his head around to look at her, and she could see the rage in his eyes.
"You are going to stop it, right now. That's MY rule as someone who lives here. You're going to cut the shit out, or else it's me and Loona back on the street because I am NOT going to have her around this kinda shit! NOT like what we had to put-" Blitzo was cut off as Barbie slapped him hard across the face.
"STOP comparing me to Dad! He was a shitstain and we both know it! I'm not doing it constantly, just when things get stressful!" Barbie said as Blitzo rolled his eyes.
"Oh so you pick the MOST ADDICTIVE shit that they put out?! Blitzo snapped back.
"You are not going to tell me what to do in my own home! This isn't a big deal!" Barbie said as Blitzo... Just went limp. The rage he had, dissipating. He went into his and Loona's room and came out with two bags.
"I was really fucking hoping I could have unpacked these here." Blitzo said as he went for the door... Barbie too stunned to say anything as he closed the door behind him.
3 HOURS LATER
"Thanks again V." Blitzo said as Verosika sighed sadly. She hated this was happening, but at least she could do some small part to help.
"Just let me know if you need anything else." Verosika said as she hugged Blitzo and then Loona.
"See you later sweetie." The succubus said as she got in her car, driving away from the motel Blitzo and Loona were now staying at. Blitzo had collected, and now blown, his pay for his hit job on a month's rent for a room at the motel. At least they had a month, better than what they would've had otherwise. As he went to his and Loona's room, Loona scoping out the place's pool... He heard something from the room next to his and Loona's.
"ANOTHER MONTH!? WHAT KINDA SCAM ARE YOU RUNNING?!"
"MOXXIE CALM DOWN!"
Please Review!