He had always been a shy and quiet boy, never very loud or showy, but in his mind, there was a kind of serenity and freedom that could only ever be found in the dark. While the light was harsh and blinding, grating and demanding, the darkness could conceal and hide. The shadows were like shields and shelter, and the night was his friend and protector. If the light was the prying eye always demanding to know more, wanting to strip him down to nothingness, then the darkness was the gentle confidante and shoulder to cry on that would leave him be. It granted him peace and privacy if he so chose, unlike the judgmental eye of the light.
It was there, alone in the darkness, where he was first able to truly taste freedom. With no reason to hide, now that the light was gone, he could truly be his most authentic and unapologetic self. There was no need to lie in a kingdom of secrecy. There was no reason to hide in a kingdom of protection. So that was where he first started his transition. From female to male, the darkness was the first creature he ever came out to, and it was his most constant companion from start to finish.
It was the darkness of the night and the darkness of his closet that first got to hear his new and chosen name: Princeton. It was the darkness of his own mind that first culled up murky images of the body he hoped to have one day in the future, drastically different from the one he had now. The shelter and safety of the endless abyss was where he took his first steps up and out into a new life. The first new name, the first new hairstyle, the first new clothing, the first vocal training. The void was the only thing that got to hear it, and the shadow was the only thing that got to see it.
He did eventually come out to the rest of the world, stepping into the harsh and grating light of reality to speak his truth, but the reception was mixed. Volatile. It was very different from the endless, smooth, simplistic, unanimous darkness. While the shadows had been completely supportive from the very beginning, soft and sweet, the light was much harsher. Some were supportive, yes, but others were not. But even those who were supportive sometimes caused more harm than good.
"Look! Look! He's a real boy now!" some of them would cry, and he would hastily beg them to be silent. As much as he appreciated the support, he didn't want it to be loud and flashy. He didn't want the entire world to know all at once. He wanted it to be slow and steady. He was seeking comfort, not worship. He didn't want his transition to become a spectacle. And he didn't want to be a mascot, symbol or poster child.
And to couple the overly enthusiastic and the misguided but well-meant, there were plenty of dissenters in the light as well. Several of his friends were confused by what they saw when he first stepped out into the sun. A girl who wanted to be a guy? Were the breasts not proof enough of what he truly was? Blinded by their own self-importance, they simply could not believe that they were wrong.
And some adults would narrow their eyes and glare as well. They would spread judgement, rumor and lie. It's just a phase. It'll pass. It'll change. It's just teenage hormones. She's just being rebellious right now, but one day she will come back around and grow up to become the beautiful woman that she was always destined to be, from birth and even before. This whole transgender thing was nothing but a trend of today's youth. Nothing but silly experimentation that would never ever last.
Their eyes saw right through Princeton. Their eyes cut right through his very soul. He could not stand such harsh, judgmental glares. How could it be that for all the looking that they did, they still never saw the person that he truly was? It was like all they saw was the version of him that they wanted to see, even if that version was painfully outdated.
There was a reason Princeton had always preferred the darkness to the light, because it was only in the shadows where he could truly be himself. In the glaring spotlight, it was all eyes on him, and their scrutiny fell squarely upon his shoulders. The eyes were watching and waiting, hungry for something to pick apart.
"I bet no cis person ever has to deal with this!" he grumbled. "They can go wherever they want and do whatever they want without eyes following them everywhere they go. They can escape into the peaceful, private protection of the darkness. Lucky them. I wish I was invisible!"
Couldn't the world realize that he didn't even want this much positive attention? No. They couldn't. Because they were blinded by the light. They did not see the human face underneath the politics and symbolism. Their eyes were so used to the flashy and bright that all they saw was a trans person. A symbol. Not a human, just an icon. Just a rainbow, just a flag.
"I want to have a pride flag, not be one!" he complained to himself. It felt just a little bit like tokenism.
The light, Princeton was swift to decide, belonged to the majority. Those who didn't mind taking the center stage, and those who were blinded by glory, would be happiest in the light. But he would not. He was a creature of the night, who took comfort in the shadows and darkness. It was quieter there, gentler and softer. With sight rendered useless, they couldn't see what he looked like. They could only put their literal blind faith in what he said about his identity. They accepted him as a boy better in darkness than light because, in the light, they could see all of his imperfections. But in darkness, he was only a voice. A story. And that they would believe in.
Those who preferred the shadow often preferred safety, secrecy and anonymity. So he basked alone in his closet, reveling in the peace of the night. His mind was free to run wild, now that he had nobody to impress or show off to. His closet was his sanctuary. He could live the life he wanted there, even if it was just in his head. But there was no one around to see or judge him, so that made it all worth it. Just him and the shadows.
But as peaceful as the closet was, he always left the door open just a crack. It was too small for anything to fit through, except for the ray of sunlight streaming in from the window a few feet away. Perhaps Princeton preferred the darkness to the light, but all humans needed a balance. So as much as he would bask in the shadow, there was always a tiny slice of him left open to one, single, gentle, ray of sunlight.
It was a nice mix, and as he reclined in his closet, one eye opened lazily to peek out the door. He smiled at the little ray of sunlight. That one small beam was all he needed. It was just enough. Not too much, not too little. He had just enough to felt seen, but not to excess. And that beam of sunlight was just enough to illuminate his little kingdom, and the pink, white and blue flag that hung over it. The darkness might've been his best friend, but even he could respect and admire the golden sunlight (just so long as it was only in small doses).
AN: A subversion on the actual theme for today, this fic was more about the darkness than the light, but I still threw in a little bit of sun at the very end. This guy is the main character of my second original story (which is on hiatus). But yes, as much as we need the dark, we need the light as well.