I swore this story would be short... 5 chapter short, six tops... Oh, my muse.
Mistakes are my own, I'm trying to hurry and post before I forget things...
Oh Mac... :/
Chapter 7 - There Will Be Blood.
There will be blood, run for your life
Go on and say, go on and say your last goodbye
There will be blood, you're gonna die
You'll never make it, never make it through the night - Kim Petras
I hate him. I loathe him. For too many years Harmon Rabb Jr has been a thorn at my side only I realized it far too late. I never should have returned to Falls Church after leaving to join Dalton's firm. There were other posts, other jobs hell even working a a greasy spoon would be a viable option over feeling this level of hurt, of pain and deceit from a man that claimed to love me.
"Asshole!" I yell at the top of my lungs as I slip into my apartment and toss my cover across the room. I won't forgive him for this, an ultimate betrayal where he led me like a lamb to the slaughter without warning that he was betraying me. What happened between us in that tiny hotel room was wrong, I realize that now but, it would have boiled over. We could have continued ignoring each other as we had from the time I broke it off with him.
We were good at that - ignoring whatever problems lay between us and after some months, the tension would ease as well. It had to because we'd already done the deed, there was nothing sexually charged left of us anymore. The awkward phase of knowing you slept with a coworker had to abate, it had to and Harm went and tossed all of my hopes away.
I nearly went for him. Saw myself pounding my fists into his face over and over again until the moronic sailor understood that he had little to no claim on my life. Instead, the Admiral snapped me to attention, my back ramrod straight even if I slightly wavered from an odd sense of nausea due to lack of sleep. I'm a habitual insomniac, I'm used to this feeling which comes and goes that a cup of coffee usually helps get rid of along with the adrenaline of life inside a courtroom.
A blush creeped from my neck to my face when the Admiral studied the marks on my skin, the obvious fingerprints left when a moment of passion turned a little too rough. It was stupid on my part but, I wanted it rough and meaningless, I wanted to feel the life almost squeezed out of me. It created a heightened sense of arousal, far better than the times we shared a bed together. I didn't tell the Admiral this of course, just stood there as he walked around me spotting flaws I knew didn't exist.
"Your uniform is rumpled. You are never anything if not squared away and from the looks of you, Colonel, you've done a piss poor job at that today." He tried to sound stern but cringed at the marks on my neck. saw him resist the urge to reach out and turn my head to get a better view. I knew what they looked like, I knew that make up wouldn't hide any of it so I didn't bother deciding my former partner would be discreet.
"I'm sure I don't need to say this but, I want the two of you far away from each other. Any cases you are working on together will be assigned to other officers. Commander, you're excused but we will have a chat about this later. Don't think you'll make it out of this unscathed."
"I don't expect to, sir." Harm says and purposely brushes gently across my arm as he walks past. His eyes try to find mine but I stand looking straight ahead, defiant to any affection from him. He's betrayed me and regardless of whatever order Chegwidden dishes, Harm will hear from me as well - he can't play Superman on my life. There's a quiet 'I'm sorry' that he says in passing, a sentiment that makes me burn red from anger. If we weren't alone I would have slapped him by now, the sonofabitch does not deserve any forgiveness from me.
When the Admiral orders me to sit, I refuse and remain standing. I don't want a friendly little chit-chat, that time in our lives has come and gone. As far as I'm concerned, he deserves little respect from me. I may still show fealty to the uniform but this man will know nothing but my contempt. "You allowed Webb to take me out there, didn't do a damned thing to stop it knowing my sense of duty is paramount. What I don't understand is how you left me out there to die and forced the Commander to resign when the assignment went South. I won't sit for whatever you have to say to me."
His face falls as he leans against his desk but it's too late for remorse. Too late for apologies or concern over my well being. Chegwidden knows he fucked up and if he knows anything about me, I'm not the type to forgive or forget so easily. "It's been tense in this office since your return. I probably should have discussed this with you sooner but, my hands were tied. I did my best to let Harm back, it cost me a few huge favors. A commanding officer shouldn't ask his subordinates for forgiveness but…"
"Respecfully - you can go fuck yourself, sir." I say and the tone of his voice changes abruptly. "You don't deserve my forgiveness, just my contempt. And whatever the hell Commander Rabb implied was consensual between two adults. It's none of your business or his. Oh but, I forget that sailors love scuttlebutt and am surprised to see you involve your-"
The man who was cool and measured seconds earlier is in my face now. "Lock it up, Marine."
I hate that his tone automatically has me snapping to, my heels clicking so hard it echoes in his office. A new tension surrounds us, it ebbs and flows in the oddest waves that threaten to knock me down on my ass. His nostrils flare, his breathing is heavy as if his control is about to snap at any moment. One thing about the Admiral, he isn't ruled by emotions like a certain sailor I know. Years as a SEAL has taught him to be calm and patient. "I'm going to ignore your outburst, your conduct because of the utmost respect I have for you."
"Re-respect?" I couldn't hold my tongue nor the laughter that followed that sounded nothing like my own but more of a canned sound that lacks any real mirth. "If you had any respect for me, you'd stay out of my business. I request...no, demand you keep Commander Rabb out of my way as well and that you try to placate someone else while you nurse your broken heart."
Any of that authoritarianism he tries to ensue dies right there. He steps back, his attitude deflating once he realizes I won't back down orders be damned. It was public knowledge that his relationship with Meredith was over before I was sent to Paraguay, the pair had stopped being an item, she stopped the visits and he became insufferable as a CO. Apparently, no sailor could keep their emotions in check, a comedy of errors when it comes to the military. "Eight weeks. I'm putting you on medical leave for eight weeks."
"I don't need to be put on leave, sir. I'm fine. I'm capable of fulfilling my duties...I'm fine." So what if I wavered? So what if a second later he catches me when my body decides to give up it's fight. So what if he uses his handkerchief to press cool water from a bottle in his fridge against my face and neck. So what if he kneels in front of me asking if I need medical assistance. It's when he tries to call on Harm that I come to the edge of the seat and take a breath. "I'm fine, sir. Just skipped breakfast, my blood sugar must be low." I lied. I know it's a lie but I don't know why. I'm fine, aren't I? "I'm fine."
He stands in effort to put a little space between us and I am happy to have a chance to breathe again. His tone shifts again, the back and forth feeling like a tennis match I am sorely losing. "This isn't a request, Mac. It's an order. You're taking time off and are not allowed back in this building until you get counseling."
"That will be a blemish on my record, sir...I'm working a high profile case, I need this for my career advancement…"
He stops me from speaking with a wave of his hand. "You're not gonna have much left of a career, Mac if you keep on like this." Chegwidden is quiet for a moment, thoughtful and then a sigh comes out of him that is both heavy and sad. "I didn't see it, I'm sorry… I was spending too much time with my mind on personal things, that won't happen again."
When I step out of his office I feel like a woman being sentenced to life imprisonment. It was as if I were stripped of my rank, my identity, my everything and not even my own trial for murdering my husband felt this heavy and bleak. In the ante-room I find my former partner pacing. "Mac, what happ-"
My palm connects with the side of his face, an act that hurts my already battered palm but is so damned satisfying it takes everything I am not to hit him again. "Learn to mind your business, Commander and stay out of my way." It's an idle threat, I know because the boyscout will try to make amends, something that I don't want or need from him ever again.
As far as I'm concerned, Harmon Rabb Jr is dead to me, another man that succumbed to the MacKenzie curse. Good Riddance! I don't need him. I don't need any of the so-called friends that glare at me as I step out of my office after splitting cases between other officers. It's Harriet that steps up to help and I don't regret the way I snap at her. I don't regret the way I stared at Harm when he stands outside his office, the shame written across his face.
…
The calls don't stop. Four to six of them before I yank my phone straight out the wall and sit on the sofa in the dark. I'm still wearing most of my uniform, too tired to take it off and the rest is discarded somewhere on the floor. The blinking light of my answering machine is blaring and annoying, I see it behind closed eyes each time I try to rest.
Don't hit play. A voice in my head says and I defy the order only to hear Harm's concerned voice. 'Sarah… it's me.' God, why does the sound of my name sound so right coming from his lips. Why does my body shiver involuntarily when I remember our first time together, a voice thick with passion saying that same name? '" just want to say that I'm sorry… I'm sorry, so sorry...and I love you."
"I hate you...I hate you." I say out loud, repeating the words over and over but the effort to break my feelings for him won't break the impenetrable wall. The edges of my vision darken, tears stream down my cheeks unchecked and when I finally drift to sleep all I see is blood. Mine, Webb's and the two missionaries who were shot in front of me.