Chapter 17 - Go To Sleep

"Running away?" I sit on Harm's sofa, trying to gather my clothing which is still distastefully wet. My blouse feels terrible against my skin, never mind my skirt or underwear which causes me to drop them all with a plop and wrap his throw tightly around me.

Harm tosses a few logs into his fireplace and then turns to face me with his arms folded across his chest. He wears a pair of white boxers, little else which makes me see the goosebumps peppering his skin. "Thought you weren't doing that anymore?"

"I'm not." I defend but the clothing at my feet makes that argument sound rather lame. "Okay, I was but not why you think...I wasn't running from you."

He raises a brow, gives me that 'yeah, right' expression and then sits atop his coffee table facing me. He doesn't push for answers like I thought he would. Ever since Paraguay, Harm is different, patient although I know it's killing him. He's a man of action, not used to sitting around and waiting. But he does wait, with his hands holding both of mine, he waits and I love him for that. "I don't want to run."

"Then don't. Let me in, tell me what you're feeling."

I stare at our joined hands, how we fit as his large palm holds mine. Such a simple act of hands holding hands and it makes my heart pound a little faster and makes what I'm about to say sound so so terrible. "I'm overwhelmed, I guess."

"By me?"

"No. Yes...I don't know." I frown and sigh because the war within me begins to tick off again. I want him, I want to be with him but therapy is a solo sport and I need to heal myself before I'm completely free to love him. I understand that now, why Dr. Ogden insists I am the one to get myself out of this rut.

If I hold onto Harm too tightly, he may drown with me and it simply isn't fair for him to share this burden of mine. Yet, I can't let him go this time, not fully. I can't break his heart again especially knowing it broke my own. I love him, I love him so much and I need to do right by him.

"Talk to me, Mac. Tell me what you need."

"Space... although I don't want to need it and I don't…"." The desperate tone of my voice makes me cringe. I hate feeling vulnerable or having anyone spot my weaknesses but, I'm emotionally bare before him; I hate it. Somehow I manage not to cry although my eyes sting and I feel the edges fill with unshed tears. I take a shaky breath and when I look into his eyes they are filled with concern. "I don't want to leave you."

"Why would you leave?" Harm is equally apprehensive. Despite myself, I hear a catch on his voice as if he's holding back tears. I can't imagine he'd cry over me, I'm just not worth that kind of sentiment. But he squeezes my hands, he shakes either from the cold or...something I don't want to think about. I blink and a tear slips out, one that he catches - of course he'd catch it - he's Harm, it's what he does. The rough skin of his thumb dragging across my skin is comforting and I am both at peace and torn.

"Because I need to do this on my own, the therapy, getting better. I can't let you shoulder it all and I don't want you to be my security blanket.. I don't expect you to understand."

"But I do."

"Do you?"

Harm smiles, it's not the dazzling kind, it doesn't reach his eyes but it's an earnest one. "Yes, Mac I understand...Look, I wish I could shield the World away from you and stop the nightmares, I can't. But I can be here when you need me because I'm not going anywhere. You're it for me."

He affirmed while his hands moved up and his fingertips ran over my wrists. I stare at his ministrations, the fingers that move up my inner forearm towards the crease of my elbow. His hands snake under the throw, leaving my arm so that they run over my flanks and I shiver from his touch, I crave it so badly. "I'm not a patient guy but I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you until you're ready."

And just like that, his hands are no longer touching me and I actually groan from the loss of contact. He stands and stokes the fire and then comes back for me, holding his hand out in hopes that I take it. But I don't, I hesitate and it makes him sigh. "You're here now, it's freezing out there and your uniform is soaked. You're not leaving tonight and you're not sleeping out here. Come back to bed."

He makes sense, of course because Harm usually does. When I hesitate I spot a hint of irritation as he drops his hand. "What's wrong?"

Back to bed. He wants me back in his bed where we've made love countless times before my demon broke his heart. In fact, we made love this very night, my ability to stay away from a super power that was destroyed by his kryptonite. It was lovely, it always is. In many ways it feels like his body was designed to fit with mine. I tingle at that thought and quiet my traitorous body with a stern, mental command to stop. And then he uses my name, not my male moniker but my actual name.

His voice is gentle, a mere whisper but it lingers in the stillness of the room and rolls along the crackling sound of the fire. I can count how many times he's called me 'Sarah', the times when he's used it just to introduce me and it's usually prefixed by my rank. The time he said it when I was leaving JAG and him behind with a broken voice that cracked as he held me tight and Porsche that was not a Tomcat came to whisk me away. He's said it when we're in bed, our bodies and limbs entwined in such a wonderful dance that it takes my breath away. Tonight, its painful to hear him say it because the otherwise strong and sure Naval Commander is anything but.

I look up and find the pain stretched across his beautiful face, the eyes filled with concern that widen when I stare up at him so blankly. And then he pleads and I can't keep away from him. "Sarah, please."

My legs are shaky when I try to stand but his arms wrap around me, steady me, instantly keep me warm. I'm cold and it's not just my skin, I feel it from the depths of my soul. That bottomless pit wants me again, it stalks me but I won't let it win tonight. We're halfway to the bedroom when I stop him. "We shouldn't have sex…it…it clouds things."

"Okay."

"I mean it."

And he does too, Harm's not anything if not honorable and as he helps me settle in, a playful grin stretches across those kissable lips. "I promise, I can keep my hands to myself."

We slide into bed, Harm on his side, me on mine. The sheets are cold now, an unexpected revelation seeing as his loft always hold a faint chill in the middle of the night no matter how high he keeps his heat. I know he isn't asleep, I can hear his breathing hasn't regulated nor has he turned to his side as he usually does when slumber claims him. That involuntary shaking starts and it's subtle at first but when I am unable to stop it no matter how much I snuggle into the comforter, I reach out for him. "About those hands you're keeping to yourself…Can they keep me warm tonight?"

He chuckles, a sound that is rich and warm and wonderful. Harm slides the nominal distance across his bed and under my covers, his warm hands slip over my thigh, my waist and tucks around my middle. His body molds against mine, the hairs of his chest tickling my back as he settles against me and I feel pure, hard, male strength cocooning my softer body. "I'm sorry…I know it must seem like I'm all over the place."

"It's not supposed to be easy, Mac."

"Few things in life are, I suppose." He kisses my shoulder, my neck and when I turn slightly to face him, his lips capture mine. It's a sweet, soft kiss one that Harm pulls away from but my hand at the back of his head keeps him still for the moment.

My tongue sweeps between his lips, touching the tip of his so that Harm moans into my mouth. I want him. He wants me but that damned finite control of his rears him back. It's him that backs away, stopping with a peck to the tip of my nose and finishing with another quick kiss to my lips. He presses his forehead against mine and I feel the hands that were slowly roaming over my body stop and just hold me tight. "Sleep, Marine."

"Okay." Sleep yes, nothing else.

When we shift again, his arms come around me, the warmth of his body gives me peace. I'm drifting off to sleep when I hear my own voice. "Will you always be there?"

"Yes."