Chapter 18 - Because

I pace sometimes especially when I'm trying to break down and define my closing argument. I even pace in court although I call that 'strategic pacing.' At the moment, my pacing makes me feel like a jungle cat trapped in a cage with no capable methods of escape. I sigh for what must be the hundredth time and swallow down the bile that I'm sure has burned a hole through my esophagus by now. The coffee I drank doesn't sit well in my stomach and I regret chasing it with two aspirins when I woke up with what must be a migraine at six in the morning, in an empty bed that felt far too cold.

I miss him. It's only been two days since I decided I needed the space but, I miss him. I miss him so much it feels like I can't breathe and I hate that. I don't want to need him this much, I don't want to miss him this much. Where is all of that independence I fought so hard for? Where is the woman that needed little human interaction in her life? And it's not just any interaction, it's him. It's always been him from the moment we met and my eyes fixed onto his.

"You're not wearing your uniform today." Dr. Ogden's voice stops my pacing, my mental tirade and even the burning in my stomach ceases to bother me in nothing more than a split second. I stop moving and stare down at my clothes: black slacks and a button down red cardigan that I chose because it's comfortable. "It's nice to see you out of your armor."

"Armor? Heh. I haven't ever thought of it that way…I had it on…the blouse, the jacket, my tie…I had it on."

"Why didn't you wear it here?"

I shrug, not wanting to admit the weight which the uniform cast onto my shoulders of late. It was a weight I could formerly handle and accept more and more because I was made that way. But, it was the uniform which led me to Paraguay. The uniform that made me forgo self preservation over duty to an agency that didn't give a shit about me. It was the uniform that betrayed me, gave me a false sense of security. "I felt like I was choking. It even hurt my skin… I ripped it off."

And I'm sure there are buttons scattered across my living room along with a shredded blouse that I simply tossed aside. I literally ripped it off, not caring if I was disgracing the Corps or that I once felt such pride donning the uniform. It weighs so much that it hurts. "The uniform doesn't define who you are as a Marine or a woman."

"For me it does. In uniform, I'm respected as an officer and not hit on like a casual whore… although that's happened in uniform too."

Dr. Ogden frowns and then scribbles on her notepad for a bit, circling a few words that I can't make out from this side of the room. I figure she's jotting down how fucked up I am. How a woman that was defensive and angry a few days ago now stands here so broken she can't recognize herself. I feel like a failure, a disgrace and for the first time in my life, I question why I am still in the Corps. "Does that happen a lot? Not being respected?"

"Sometimes…The Good Ol' Boys club in the military, the ones that don't believe women should serve are guilty. I've kept my head down. I've made mistakes, yes some of which were aired publicly but, I try to do better. I ask a lot of myself and other women to not fall the mistakes that we'll be humiliated for."

"Mmmm.." She looks at me for a moment and I feel the eyes taking me in. It's uncomfortable despite her eyes that are kind and friendly. "You do take pride in your appearance. Especially with what you're going through, it's a good thing. So I have a question: why did you refer to yourself as a whore? It's a terrible word with connotations I am certain you are not involved in. Why use it?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

I feel like I'm being scolded and the kind eyes are now staring at me with contempt. The word has swirled around me since my early teen years when one summer my body simply developed and the boys began to take notice. I liked the attention, good or bad because it made me feel like someone wanted me. Like all teenage girls, I dared to flirt with a shirt that was too tight and a skirt that was too short and that's when Joe MacKenzie's drunken voice slurred words that should never be uttered to any woman.

I'm afraid to look at Dr. Ogden because I know what she'll see in my eyes - hurt and pain - the one of the little girl hiding in her closet, the one of the young woman who couldn't quite find her place in this world until a car wreck nearly killed her. Instead I drop into the sofa, the springy cushion feels nice to sit on. "Sarah? Do you think of yourself that way?"

"Sometimes." I admit because my own military career has enough dings starting with my affair with John. "My father thought so."

"Did you do something to make him feel that way?"

"No." I shake my head because even if the boys flirted, I was too scared to be with anyone. It wasn't until Chris that I lost my virginity - I was a one man type of girl and that seems so wasted when I look back at my life then, the drunken stupors that made a normally rationally young woman agree to marry a train wreck. "I was good…until I made a pact with a devil named Vodka…I was still good though."

I tell her about my past, leave little stones unturned while tears stream down my face. I realize for the first time that I've never cried over Little Sarah or Little Mac or whoever I was in the height of my parent's arguments. But I cried now. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I cried when I talked about the first night alcohol made it past my lips and I cried when I remembered my mother leaving and Chris being hauled off to jail. There was Eddie and that horrible car crash, the moment of consciousness that then gave way to a coma that lasted several days.

I cried because my father only visited once and that awful, awful word spilled from his lips yet again. Whore. Because in his eyes that was all I'd ever be until it was too late for him to repent. Dr. Ogden extended our session, canceled two appointments and allowed me to sit and cry until I told her about my next mistake - the affair that would brand me and come up years later when I finally had a foothold on my life. "Did he rape you?"

"Oh God, no. John would never. It was consensual, I believe I loved him in a way and I know that he loves me but…"

"Not the right time?"

"Or the right people. He'd give his life for me, he already paid with his career taking a hit and I'm sorry about my involvement."

"That does not make you a whore, Sarah. None of what you told me does. You didn't sell yourself for something, even with John - what did you gain?"

"Nothing." He had already recommended me to law school, already put things into play and I was rotating out when it just happened. We hadn't even flirted but there was a look he gave me, one that made me feel wanted and good. Not inappropriate in any way but the connection was there, it was just too soon for us. "In a way, I'm glad it happened when it did. I made sure not to make that mistake again…until Harm."

"You mentioned him before." Dr. Ogden is smiling now because I am as well. Even when we've been at odds, there is just something about him that makes me feel invincible. "He's someone good in your life."

"I'm in love with him." It feels good to get those words out, it's healing and electric and sad as well. Sad because of what happened between us. Sad because this space makes me feel like the World is closing in. He called to check in on me and I asked him not to for a while - a mistake I can't continue to make.

"Tell me about Harm."

"How much time do you got, Doc?"

"He's a big part of our life then?"

I nod and pat dry my tears. "You can't talk about myself without bringing him up. He's my best friend…my lover… my…my everything."

"Stop pushing him away then." She gives me a knowing smile, shuts her file and puts her pen down. I'm given what she calls 'homework' that begins with a call to the man I love.