Chapter 21 - Worth It

"What was the point of my homework?" I ask Dr. Ogden the very second she begins our session. I've wondered why she gave me all of those questions and where they came from. A mix of serious and simple, it led Harm and me to talk about so many subjects: favorite books, movies. We even discussed college life and our first intimate experiences.

He was rather receptive of which I am grateful for considering some of the topics likely made him blush five shades of red. I had my own prudish moments, a question or two where he had to coax me to answer. In the end we were laughing, enjoying the simplicity of talking with our best friend. I missed that. I needed that and the feeling of normalcy it brought.

Of course, the nightmares still came but they were less frightening and for once, I was able to stop Harm from getting shot. I knew when he would break into the shack and a warning from me had him ducking out of the way. He'd take aim a moment later and Sadik's men each died with a bullet to the chest.

He rushed towards me, ripped off the straps and our lips met in a fiery kiss before he tells me that he loves me. And it wasn't just a dream. When I woke up Harm lay in my bed, his arms wrapped around my body while he pressed gentle kisses against my temple and eased me back into consciousness. "Bad dream?"

"No-" I tried to lie because I didn't want him to know the truth about the nightmare or how his eyes took on an onyx hue when he stared accusingly as he died. I didn't want him to see that particular dark stain in my life but then I thought of our 'homework' and the words flooded my mind. "Yes...a horrible nightmare that I can't shake...You die and it's my fault."

"I expected to die-" He said softly and it seemed to amplify the darkness of my bedroom.

"No."

"Yeah...I knew going in that it could happen. I guess, being a pilot, things like that pass through your mind. This time, I expected it and I would have given everything to see you safe, Sarah."

Everything. Not just his life but his career; his all. And I knew it wasn't a lie or pretty words said to calm an overly emotional woman affected by post traumatic stress. No, Harm meant it. He felt it and I fully understand why it was so difficult for him to reach this point.

I should have noticed sooner given the way he passionately dives into things he believes in. Nothing is halfway or incomplete, nothing is left to chance. To give his heart he needed to be sure and true that losing that control was worth it.

I'm worth it. Even between sorrow and pain, I'm worth the trouble and the effort to him. He's chosen to lose control with me and makes me feel...alive.

I snap out of my reverie to find Dr. Ogden staring at me with the oddest expression. We lock eyes for a moment and then a gentle smile tugs at her lips. "What happened just now?"

"An epiphany that I should have realized years ago." I squint my eyes and try to act upset, miserably failing when all I feel is grateful. "We talked about so much. Things I never thought I wanted to know."

"Not the bad kind of homework?"

"Some questions were but he played along and I felt normal for the first time in a while. I needed that."

"Good, that, my dear, is progress." Doc grins and takes a few notes then sits there staring as if she wants to tell me something but can't. Eventually, she lets out a long sigh and threads her fingers together atop my file. "He came to see me, your Commander."

I know the second the color washed off my face by her cringe. "Harm came here?"

She nodded and sighed again. "Everything you've spoken in here is confidential and it remains that way, I promise. But it seemed your homework had an effect on him too. He feels he's not doing enough."

"But, he is. It's me...I won't let him in."

"Why?"

Images if Chris and Dalton pass fleetingly in my mind along with those of Mic and John and Eddie. "Every man I've been close to has either died or wished they had."

My words are loosely based on his own off color comment given to throw Sturgis off our scent. It was a betrayal Harm never knew had cut deep and I assume he stacked himself right next to my maligned lovers.

I tell Dr. Ogden about the men of my past, a brief pass over each relationship that, surprisingly, gets no reaction. I end up on Mic, my desperate attempt at a normal life that ended with four broken hearts and a battered friendship that was barely recuperated before I was sent to Paraguay.

"And you believe Harm feels the same? Dead inside?"

I shrug, knowing he wouldn't have breathed those words if he didn't believe them. "He came for me, gave up everything expecting to die for me."

"You don't think you're worthy of that kind of love?"

I sigh, considering her words and his as we spoke in the middle of the night. "Before last night I wouldn't have said no."

"Has your mind changed?"

"Yes. Harm doesn't do things halfway, it's all or nothing. All or nothing." And with me, he's all in. He's given up control and it's exhilarating and terrifying.

"You're beginning to heal."

Her words bring tears to my eyes, happy ones and for once the weight that comes off my shoulders doesn't tumble back down when I reach my apartment. For once, I open all of my windows and let the light in. For once, I call him to see if he's free for dinner. I may not be ready for more and Harm knows this but, I don't want to heal on my own.