Chapter 26 - I'm Sorry

We've had sex before many many times and it was awlays good. Always passionate. Always thrilling.

Always….

Except for that night in the motel room and the gaping hole it left between us. It's a black mark on our love story and one that I'll vehemently try to erase until it's less than a memory. I realize now as my lover lays with his head on my pillow and his arms are tightly wrapped around me that I never told him how truly sorry I was.

That woman wasn't me, just an evil caricature hell bent on destroying anything good in my life. That woman wasn't me and yet she was born from me, taken from the frayed threads of my being to create a monster. I still have to apologize. I need to or I'll never be free.

One of my hands is in his being held somewhere between our bodies. My free hand tries to wake him gently, my fingertips tracing his lips, caressing over the light stubble that I eventually rub my cheek against.

Harm's voice is husky when he wakes and the timber is low and sexy and it makes my tummy tingle. If I'm honest, other things tingle as well.

"Hey." He says as his hand comes up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"I'm sorry."

He seems confused if the furling of his brow is any indication and the instant worry lines make me lean in and kiss him soundly. "I'm sorry for everything that's happened. I'm sorry for leaving with Clay. I'm sorry for not defying the Admiral and visiting you in the brig. I'm sorry for breaking up with you and I'm sorry for that night."

"Which night?"

"The night at the motel. What I made you do...What I wanted you to do." His fingers come to my throat gently tracing over where the bruises once were. Harm's a good man and the fact that I made him do something so heinous disgusts me.

I abused his trust, his love and that strict code he lived by. I hurt him that night more than his hand would have ever hurt me. "I was in a bad place."

"So was I." He admits on a sigh. "I was angry and hurt and you made it easy. I'm sorry too, Mac."

"I'm gonna be seeing a therapist for a while, I think. She's been good for me." As much as it kills me to admit it, I needed this. I needed the help so badly I almost died before I realized it. "I want to talk to you too but there are so many things that I still can't say."

Like how to explain to him about Mic and why it was so easy to go to him. Or why I ran away to the LHA and even to Paraguay. It will come in time when I have a little surer footing but for now, I want to be selfish and just be with him.

I want him, all of him. I like how Harm makes me feel and not just physically. I like who I am when I'm around him both personally and professionally. I want him. I want to love him and be loved by him in return.

"Well, I'm not going anywhere." He promises and then rolls us over so I'm on top. We kiss and it's sweet and passionate, I really can't get enough of him. When his hand sneaks down to my six and he squeezes I have to laugh. Men. Although I may have given his a squeeze or two when he was on top last night. "I do want to know something."

"Okay."

"Your tattoo." His hand slips between us so that his fingers can pass over the tatted skin. Low on my hip are the vibrant colours of the cherry blossom flowers, three of them. "It means something doesn't it?"

"It does." I slip off of him and lay on my side, the morning light from my partially open curtain falling on my skin. I take his hand and move it over each flower letting the tips of his fingers trace every contour. "I got it after drying out, after boot. Everyone else was getting the EGA or something Corps related and I chickened out. I hated needles."

I eventually returned on my own terms after a trip to Washington where I saw the street covered by blooming cherry blossom trees. "They mean renewal but they fall off the trees after a very short time. So it's a reminder to cherish life with joy and passion and not just when everything is good - I forgot to do that. I won't forget anymore."

"It's beautiful….You're beautiful." When his hand leaves my hip it forms a trail of fire as Harm's touch caresses one of my legs and then the other. He slides that hand between my thighs and my legs instantly part for him.

"Oh so beautiful." He punctuates with a kiss to my sex before his mouth fully takes me and I surrender.