Chapter 27 - Respect
I can't sit still and I find myself wanting to pace, to jump, to run, to… I sigh and it's the deliriously content kind, the sappy 'in love' sort that I can't stop if I tried. I'm happy. I'm healthy. I'm in love. I'm so in love and all I want to do is tear out of therapy like a bat outta hell and head home to him.
Harm said he'd wait for me and that the time away would help him plan our afternoon. Our. Us. An us I've wanted so badly for more years than I can count and now it's in the palm of my hand, all I have to do is hold tight. I'll hold tighter than ever for him.
"We made love last night." I blurt out, realizing that I sound like more like a giddy teenager than a Marine Lt. Colonel. Guess what? I really don't care. I'm not ashamed over what I feel for him. I love Harm and I've learned to embrace that part I once thought was weak.
Dr. Ogden smiles that knowing kinda smile that states she would have asked for every sultry detail if her job wasn't in the way. With all of the pain and suffering she treats day in and out, I suspect a little love story is just as healing for her as it is for me. "Did you? And?"
"And, at the risk of sounding annoyingly cliche, it felt like the first time. I guess, in a way, it was our first time." First time without all of the heavy baggage and mixed emotions. First time without being a broken woman trying to hide her flaws. First time that I felt love, real love both for him and from him. "I don't think I knew how much he really loved me until last night."
"And do you love him the same way or is this post coital euphoria talking? You do have that glow about you."
Her hands point at me and I feel myself blushing. It really doesn't help that Harm pointed out the glowing thing as he watched me dress or that he pulled me back into bed to help me 'glow' a little more making me late for therapy.
My cheeks burn even hotter and I take a few gulps of water to help cool things down. I glance up at Dr. Ogden and find her patiently waiting for my answer. I really do love and hate that about her, the infuriating way she waits things out until you're compelled to reply. "I've loved him forever."
The sex is great, it's always been a fantastic puntuation to our relationship but, last night wasn't about sex. It was about us, the us we can be when things aren't so fucked up. I like that version and want it to be a permanent thing for both of us. "Even if we didn't sleep together, I love him. I just love him."
It's as simple as that. Not a physical attraction but something more than chemical, like I don't know where he ends and I begin. "I've always had a thing for him, you know? A crush and it's led me to make stupid desicions."
"How so?"
I frown, not wanting Dr. Ogden to believe I was into casual flings. I've never been the kind of girl that sleeps around although I do enjoy male attention. "My father verbally abused me and when a man is interested in me…"
"You like the attention?"
"Yes. It's nice to be doted after. Wined and dined but, they expect you to put out and I'm not type to sleep with anyone on the first date. And Harm…he pushed me away and I thought it was rejection. I didn't see it for what it was: respect."
He respected me enough to not make me another notch on his belt. He respected me enough to stop us from making a mistake as it would have led to the catastrophic destruction of our friendship.
"Sometimes the road from friends to lovers is a bumpy one but worth the journey." I could tell Dr. Ogden, just as most women on the Planet, was smitten by him. There is an ease to his charm, it's genuine and I fell hook, line and sinker from day one. "Does he understand all that you've been through? The assignment, the nightmares? A night of good sex won't make it go away."
"I know. I'm afraid of that. I'm scared to death that I'll skid backwards and he'll eventually leave." And that was my own issue with commitment. Neither of us had stellar track records with this sort of thing. "But, I want to try. I want to survive with him."
Dr. Ogden's smile was that of a parent whose child had won the whole science fair. She beams at me, glowing in a flowing happiness that fills me with a sense of pride. "I'm allowing you to return back to work early but I do require follow up visits. Once a week for the first month. And I need you to keep up with the journaling. Any issue you have, you write it down and we'll discuss it in your next session."
"That's it?"
"You seem disappointed. Most of my patients are eager to leave."
I shake my head slowly, the happiness I felt moments ago changing to something else, fear. I was afraid of what would happen on my own. I was afraid that the darkness would come for me again. I was afraid that this was a temporary fix, a band-aid over a gaping wound. "What do I do without this? Without you?"
"Sarah, I'll always be here. I'm just a call away. The rest is up to you."
When I stepped out of Bethesda, I cried the way a condemned man would if they were suddenly freed. For once there were no ghosts following me home and no weight on my shoulders. I'm really not sure what I'd do without Dr. Ogden and dread to think of my life had Chegwidden not ordered me into therapy.
"Are you okay?" Harm asks when I find him tinkering with an all black Harley Davidson in a parking spot just outside of my building. Two helmets are propped on the handles and one leather jacket is draped over the seat.
He wears aviators, faded black jeans and a form fitting Guns N Roses shirt that make him entirely too sexy. "Mac? Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I am. I really am." And to prove my point, I kiss him right then and there - out on the open, on the sidewalk outside of my apartment. When he deepens the kiss, my arms wrap around his neck and I can't think of anything more perfect than Harm's lips on mine.