A/N: Ok this is where I ask for relationship directions. Who do you think should be Rachel's romantic interest? I've got two potentials in mind, really, but I'm open to other suggestions as well. I'm just not sure what is best suited for this story direction. I want to start introducing romance and protectiveness into the plot though.
Also a warning: This is the second part of the glee assignment so it will be another performance-heavy chapter with some action in between. After this glee assignment, there probably won't be another HEAVY performance chapter but there will continue to be various performances throughout the story.
…
Friday morning was awkward. She had a hangover so bad that she didn't even want to open her eyes. Her alarm and the Cheerios' alarm went off at the same time, jarring all of them from their heavy slumber.
"Nooo…" Brittany whined, throwing her arm over her eyes. "It can't be morning yet!"
Satana muttered darkly to herself in Spanish, snarling angrily when her legs got caught in the blankets.
"Why the fuck did we do this on a Thursday?" Santana demanded as she finally righted herself and stood up. "This is Berry's fault again, I just know it…"
Britt giggled, covering her whole face with a pillow to block the sunlight spilling into the room.
Rachel peeked her eyes open and groaned. "You were going to drink with or without me, how is that my fault?"
Santana folded her arms and sulked, her hair still rumpled from sleep. It brought a smile to Rachel's lips and she tried to hide it by throwing her arms over her face. "We drank way more last night cause you were here. I think." She didn't seem sure.
"Yeah right," Brittany said, though it was muffled by the pillow.
"Fine. Yesterday sucked and I wanted to drink it away. It was stupid to do it on a Thursday and you, the bearer of good decisions, should have stopped us." Satana jabbed a finger at Rachel, though it had no real heat behind
Rachel finally sat up, a nearly hysterical laugh erupting from her chest. "Excuse me? Have you met me? I might be confident that every choice I make is the right one for the right reasons but let's be honest, Santana, when do I really make good decisions?"
Brittany took the pillow off her face, leaving both girls staring at Rachel with raised eyebrows.
"No one is perfect, Rach," Brittany smiled, sitting up fully. "We should get ready for school."
…
Rachel opted out of sitting in on Cheerios practice, already feeling embarrassed enough having woken up in Santana's home after drinking heavily the night before. Instead, she went to the choir room. She stopped by the costume mirror to look over the outfit she had borrowed from Santana instead of going home to change. It was a simple skirt and top, though the skirt was much tighter than she usually wore hers and there were no pleats in sight.
"Hey…" Quinn's airy voice resonated lightly from the doorway.
Rachel looked up and locked eyes with her, smiling. "Good morning, Quinn! What has you here so early?"
The blonde shrugged lightly. "I enjoy the quiet. What is up with you and Santana?" She demanded, never one to beat around the bush.
"I think we're friends now…?" Rachel formed a question more than a statement, shrugging for emphasis.
Quinn arched her eyebrows. "I'm their friend."
"I'm not trying to take your friends from you, Quinn," Rachel said carefully.
"Why not? You've taken everything else from me." Her eyes filled with angry tears. "I just wanted one normal year. One. It already sucks."
"Is this about Finn?" Rachel furrowed her brows.
Quinn let out an exasperated sigh and threw her hands up in the air. "God, you are so frustrating! Why do people keep falling all over themselves to get near you? What is so damn special about you?"
Rachel sat down heavily, feeling like the air was pushed out of her lungs. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to give Quinn the fight she so clearly wanted, but she couldn't. The absolute desperation in Quinn's voice was too much to argue with.
"What happened, Quinn?" She finally asked, her voice soft.
She looked like she was going to refuse to answer for a moment and just keep yelling. Instead, she took a deep breath and threw herself down in the chair next to Rachel, her face crinkling. "Puck told me I was crazier than you and I was the most selfish person he's ever met." She dropped her face into her hands.
Rachel's jaw dropped. "He can't say that!" she protested. "It's not even true!"
Quinn raised an amused eyebrow as she lifted her head to look at Rachel. "You don't think I'm crazier than you?"
She laughed brightly, tucking her hair behind her ears. "How can you be crazier than the girl who sent her biggest threat to an inactive crackhouse and nearly turned two of her friends against her permanently?"
Quinn winced. "Not your shining moment."
"I regret a lot of that kind of stuff. It seems so pointless now that we're so close to graduating." Rachel rolled her eyes. "Being the lead of the Glee club seemed so life or death but…" she scoffed and shook her head. "They're not going to care how many times I lead my team to Nationals while I'm auditioning for roles on the stage."
The blonde next to her sighed. "Look, I did a lot of vindictive shit in my fight for the top. You're not the only screwup. I just…" she ran a hand roughly through her short blonde locks. "I didn't realize I'd pushed Santana and Brittany that far away."
"Far enough away that they spent time with me, you mean?" Rachel pulled back slightly, feeling hurt even though she should have expected that from Quinn.
Quinn closed her eyes as if coaching herself to not lash out. "No, but…why didn't they invite me, too?"
Rachel opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, bowled over by the vulnerability in Quinn's tone. "I wasn't even invited, really," she finally said. "It was supposed to be alone time for Santana and Brittany to unwind from the day, apparently Santana had to deal with a few slurs and wasn't happy. They ran into me at Breadstix and Brittany said I should join them. Santana eventually gave in even though I tried to tell them no several times."
Quinn smiled tightly. "No one tells Brittany no," she answered. "Those two have been best friends since cheer camp before Freshman year."
"Are they…" Rachel cleared her throat. "I mean… I know it's not my place, but are they together?"
Quinn studied her intently and then shook her head. "I think maybe they might have been at one point but if that were the case, it's been over for a while."
Rachel nodded silently, staring off into space for a couple of moments before breaking the silence again. "We're kind of friends, right?"
Quinn looked at her out of the corner of her eye. "Kind of," she agreed neutrally, but there was a small smile on the corner of her lips.
Rachel fought with herself for a beat and then blurted out. "Has anyone ever done anything to you because you're popular?"
Quinn sat back in surprise, eyebrows shooting up. "Like what?"
Rachel shrugged uncomfortably. "Follow you around, leave you things, make untoward comments."
"I mean…I guess, sometimes. Nerds are weird." She grimaced. Suddenly, she looked very stern. "Why? What is this about?"
"Nothing," Rachel tacked on quickly. "It's just something I've been curious about. I've never experienced popularity, but should my star rise in New York as I hope, then I might have to yet deal with being popular."
Quinn regarded her carefully with narrowed eyes. "You only get super wordy when you're anxious, I hope you know. It's a dead giveaway that you're lying."
"Do you really pay that much attention to me?" Rachel turned to look at her with surprise.
Quinn debated with herself on how she really wanted to answer that. "Look. One thing I have always been really good at, unfortunately, is seeing the weakness in people and exploiting it. That means I watch and I listen and I gather information. Santana always saw it as a waste of time, because she is so aggressive. Until she started looking for ways to take me down, that is," she added wryly.
"Mental torture is much more effective than physical attacks," Rachel agreed slowly, her head bobbing.
"I don't even know why I thought it was a good idea to come in here and yell at you." Quinn sighed and stood up, grabbing her bag. "It's just…people gravitate towards you, even people that hated you. Even me. At first, I didn't want to be your friend because I was so angry and it felt like you were purposefully trying to lure away the people close to me. Finn, Puck, then Santana and Brittany. Even Kurt was closer to me at one point. Mercedes still likes me better, though." Quinn pulled a face at her.
Rachel giggled. "I think you'll find that the people that gravitated towards you, probably gravitated towards me for the same reasons. I'm not stunning or a cheerleader, but we are both very passionate and very clever. We are both very good friends and very bad enemies. It is sometimes much easier to just be on our good side if you can get there. But…I'm forgiving. I can't help it. It's both helped and hurt me. It's hurt me a lot, actually, but I still think people deserve forgiveness if they are going to grow."
"I don't think I can forgive some people." Quinn frowned, hitching her bag higher on her shoulder. "This conversation is too heavy for this morning. I'll…I'll see you later, Rachel."
"Have a good day, Quinn." Rachel smiled as the blonde left, unperturbed by her sudden departure. Their friendship, as always, was a slow and rocky work in progress. Quinn was so broken and defensive. Like a caged wild animal that tried to venture out every once in a while.
It wasn't long after Quinn left that her phone was chirping. She contemplated turning it off and just ignoring it for the day, but she couldn't do that. She had to get to the bottom of this once and for all.
'Who knew breaking up with Finn would make you so popular? Suddenly, everyone wants to be friends with Rachel Berry. [6:50]'
'I waited for you at your house. I was going to tell you who I was but you never came home. I realize now that you need to be wooed more. What is that song… Make You Feel My Love. [6:50]'
Rachel felt her stomach churn sickly. They had been at her house waiting for her. And then what? Would she have ended up the same as her flowers? Shredded and spilled across the yard. The thought made her chest clench and she had to force those ideas down and tell herself that she was being absurd.
She had to think quickly. 'Why can't you woo me in person? Who are you? [6:51]'
'I am the love of your life, Rachel Berry. You just don't know it yet. [6:52]'
Rachel sunk into the chairs in the choir room and waited patiently for the bell to ring, suddenly feeling numb. Her heart thundering in her ears.
What else could she possibly do?
…
She walked through the rest of the day in a fog. Terrified of the day ending and returning to her house, alone. Her parents weren't coming back until the next day - supposedly. The rest of them were singing in Glee that day and her selections for songs had changed just five times this morning, so she wasn't sure where her mind was going to end up by Glee.
Finn had been avoiding her all day and she was grateful because she knew he wouldn't have anything nice to say. Not that Noah had said anything particularly nice either. He'd muttered a 'hot' as he walked past her earlier and she'd thrown a balled-up piece of paper at the back of his head with a growl. He stopped mid-step and several students had paused to see what would happen.
"Oh, you did not." He turned around with his eyebrows raised, fishing the ball of paper out of his hood.
She lifted her chin, trying not to smile at him. "I most certainly did, Noah." She stamped her foot for good measure. "You were being crude."
"I'm in a good mood today, Berry. I happen to have watched a video of three smokin chicks getting sexy on camera." He winked at her.
Her jaw dropped and her cheeks flushed against her will. "I can't believe you just said that," she hissed, looking around at the students still watching with various degrees of curiosity and amusement.
He laughed and tossed the paper ball at her face, bouncing it off her nose. "Thanks for the video, Berry." He called over his shoulder as he walked off down the hall.
Brittany had eagerly dragged Santana to sit with Rachel and the rest of the Glee kids at lunch, which Santana grudgingly accepted, glaring at anyone that dared look at her sideways.
Kurt didn't shut up the entire day about the video and tried persuading them to perform it in Glee for them as well. Mercedes put her foot down but admitted she'd watched it a couple of times too.
Rachel had tried to avoid her locker as much as possible throughout the day, but there was never anything in there. It was only at the end of the day, as she was headed to Glee, that her phone chirped with that long-anticipated message. She hated that she had come to both dread and expect it.
The entire message was merely a copy and paste of the lyrics to #1 Crush by Garbage.
She stopped dead in the middle of the hallway, her bag rolling to a stop behind her, the handle resting in her limp hand. Her eyes darted wildly to the side doors. Maybe she should just leave? She wasn't feeling very gleeful today. But that would just leave her alone for longer. Plus, she had a song to sing and she'd be damned if she'd ever give up the chance to sing a solo.
"...Rachel?"
Quinn had appeared beside her at some point and there was a look of both suspicion and concern on her face.
Rachel's heart was pounding in her chest and she sort of felt trapped, even though the only person near her was Quinn. Her eyes locked on the blonde's green one's and it was like dragging her mind kicking and screaming back to her body so she could function again. She shut off the screen on her phone and shoved it in her bag with a frown.
"Hello, Quinn," she finally answered, knowing it had been too long of a pause to be normal.
"Headed to Glee?" she asked casually. Like she didn't want to admit she was concerned but was still checking in anyway. Rachel appreciated it for whatever it was.
"Yeah. Do you have a song picked out?" She gripped her bag so tightly her knuckles turned pale.
Quinn's eyes darted down to Rachel's hands and then back up again. "Yeah. Not my usual style but enjoyable to listen to." She forced a smile on her face until it wasn't quite so forced anymore, softening around the edges.
"I'm sure it will be sweet and soulful as per usual." She wasn't sure if the smile on her face was genuine or not. It was obvious that Quinn was trying to be friendly, it was appreciated after the emotional whiplash she received from her that morning.
Quinn gave her a searching look, trying to find the jab in her words. She gave a curt nod and walked past Rachel and into the music room.
Rachel eyed the side door for a solid second more before she shook her head and followed the blonde. She sat in the front as always and Quinn took a seat in the second row, where they were both visible to the other through the peripheral. It didn't escape Rachel that the former cheerio was studying her. She wasn't sure if she was looking for a weakness or not.
When Tina and Mike came in, they both sat behind Rachel. Kurt came in and sat beside her with Mercedes on his other side. Santana and Brittany came in together and Santana seriously eyed the empty seat beside Rachel for a moment before skipping it and sitting next to Quinn in the second row, shooting a quick smile at Rachel anyway. Brittany shrugged and happily took the other seat next to Rachel. Finn walked in and shot them all an indignant look, his eyes stormy.
Rory, the new kid that Finn had brought in, smiled brightly at them all as he took a seat in the back, not comfortable enough to join a 'group'. The only one he really knew was Brittany because he was living with her for a foreign exchange program. He thought Finn hung the moon from the sky, complete hero worship. It was weird.
Noah sidled in late, as usual, smirking at the eye rolls he received as he took a seat next to Mike in the second row. He leaned forward and whispered in her ear that he was going to make Finn blow a gasket so just smile and blush pretty. She obliged and then rolled her eyes, giggling when an audible growl rose from the corner of the room. Sometimes she didn't know why she encouraged him, other than the fact that he amused her. It was a lot funnier when it wasn't aimed at her.
Mr. Shue entered the room, completely oblivious to any lingering tension as he clapped his hands together. "We've got the rest of our performances today! Then we will discuss the invitational and see what kind of songs we can come up with. Fair?" He looked around the room, waiting for several head nods before he continued. "Alright, guys, let's get started. Yesterday was fantastic and I feel like we really aired out some unresolved feelings. Let's keep that going today, ok? We've got a lot of big voices left."
No one moved or spoke. Shue's shoulders dropped slightly and he sighed.
"So who wants to go first?" He prompted.
Everything remained utterly silent until Tina elbowed Mike rather hard in the ribcage, smiling sweetly when he yelped loudly.
"GAH!" He jumped to his feet as everyone spun around to stare at him.
"I…mean…" He laughed nervously, looking around with an anxious smile before his face fell flat and he shot a warning glare at his girlfriend.
Tina wiggled her fingers at him and then made a shooing motion towards the front of the room.
"Yes. I absolutely want to go first today," he intoned drolly. "Actually, it's probably for the best." He sighed and hopped down the risers, spinning around on his heel when he reached the bottom. "Judging by who's left, it's probably gonna get super intense in here. I'm not." He pointed at himself and grinned. "Let's jam."
The music started and Mike started dancing, his body flowing like water as he slid, spun, and popped around the room. Someone whooped and it was probably Santana.
"Homegrown alligator, see you later. Gotta hit the road, gotta hit the road. Something's changed in the atmosphere. Architecture unfamiliar. I could get used to this." He hit the high note with a waver, slightly sharp. Several people clapped and Rachel couldn't help but smile. He came closer to the risers and danced around the space in front of them, totally into the music. "Time flies by in the yellow and green. Stick around and you'll see what I mean. There's a mountaintop that I'm dreaming of. If you need me you know where I'll be."
He pulled an empty chair from the front row and spun it around to sit on it backward.
"I'll be riding shotgun, underneath the hot sun, feeling like a someone. I'll be riding shotgun, underneath the hot sun, feeling like a someone."
Quinn, Santana, and Brittany got up and started dancing in sync behind him. It wasn't long until Kurt and Blaine were standing as well, running down to join them and dancing together like they were at a sock hop. Complete with The Swim and The Locomotion (which Santana totally joined in on and grinned the whole time.)
"We got two in the front." Mike poked his thumb to the side.
"Hey!" Blaine and Kurt shouted.
"Two in the back." He jabbed his thumb to the other side.
"Hey!" Quinn and Santana shouted, arms wrapped around each other, while Brittany did a complicated flip that was still in the time with the beat.
"Sailing along and we don't look back, back…" He motioned for everyone to join in with him as the music cut off. "Time flies by in the yellow and green. Stick around and you'll see what I mean. There's a mountaintop that I'm thinking of. If you need me you know where I'll be…"
Mike used his fingers like a conductor to lead them through and then dropped his hands and cheered.
"That was awesome!" He enthused, high-fiving Blaine who had been incredibly pumped throughout the whole song.
"That was a really fun song." Rachel nodded, a soft smile still on her lips. "Mr. Shue, I really think we should consider that one seriously for the invitational and maybe even Sectionals."
Mr. Shuester looked enthusiastic at the suggestion, probably because it was something she wasn't the lead on. "I agree," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Great performance, Mike. I didn't know you had it in you!"
"I'm so proud of you." Tina smiled at her boyfriend, giving him a chaste kiss as he retook his seat, flushed with pride.
"Who can beat that?" Mr. Shue cajoled them with a grin.
"Oh, I totally gots this." Santana stood up with a cocky smirk and made her way to the front of the room. "Before I start, though, I would like to preface this song with a little monologue." Her smile was sweet and entirely fake.
Rachel paid rapt attention.
"First of all, I had to tell my parents before they heard it from someone else because someone can't keep their big flabby mouth shut. They were actually cool with it." She shrugged her shoulders, letting a genuine smile slip through for a moment. "Secondly, I know y'all watched that video me, Britts, and Berry made last night and it was fire. Which is why I'm singing this today. Because no matter what. No matter who you think you are -" She looked directly at Finn. "- I will always rise to the top."
Mercedes, Quinn, Brittany, Tina, and Rachel clapped in encouragement.
The music started, causing instant recognition on everyone's face. Santana's voice rang out clear as a bell. "She's just a girl and she's on fire. Hotter than a fantasy -" She smirked at them and shimmied her body "-lonley like a highway." She turned away from them to face the piano. "She's living in a world and it's on fire. Filled with catastrophe…but she knows she can fly away…"
Her hands trailed across the piano top as she circled it and then came to face them again.
"O-o-o-oh She's got both feet on the ground and she's burning it down. Oo-o-o-oh She's got her head in the clouds and she's not backing down." Her face contorted slightly as the emotion poured into her voice and she pushed it from her diaphragm. "This girl is on fire! This girl is on fir-re. She's walking on fire! This girl is on fire."
Rachel could feel the song in her chest. It was squeezing tightly and it made her want to cry. Not only for how she felt, but for the way Santana looked while she was singing it. It was obvious that the song had gotten her through something.
"Everyone stares as she goes by, cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes. Watch her as she's lighting up the night." A determined look stole across Santana's face and she held her chin up high, eyes focused on the wall in the back of the room. "Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl…and it's a lonely world. But she gon' let it burn baby, burn baby!" She pretended to light a match and drop it, spreading her arms wide like a flame rising. "This girl is on fire! This girl is on fir-re. She's walking on fire! This girl is on fire!"
As she finished and the music faded out, the room burst into cheers. All except Finn, who sat sullenly in his seat, glaring at the piano with his arms folded across his chest.
Santana was out of breath, but she was grinning happily and she couldn't help but turn to Finn with a radiating smugness. "No one is ever, ever, going to stop me. I am an out and proud lesbian, and now there's nothing holding me back and you've got even less than you started with. Was it worth it?"
"Santana…" Mr. Shue started weakly, his voice a warning.
She shrugged her shoulders easily, even as Finn's face was coloring darkly. She made it a point of sitting right next to Rachel as she made her way back to the risers. She crossed her arms slowly across her chest and snaked her neck with a smirk.
"So now that the best has gone, who wants to give their mediocre performance?" Santana teased.
Rachel was staring at Santana, lost in thought. Did she sit there because they were friends now? Was she trying to rub it in Finn's face? Were they only friends now to rub it in Finn's face? She chewed on her lip anxiously, not noticing the look Santana sent her for staring too long. A mix of confusion and worry.
"Um…I'll go." Quinn's voice was breathy and full of uncertainty. When she got to the front, she stared at everyone without saying a word for several long moments.
"Is this a silent musical?" Brittany whispered to Mike, brow furrowed. Mike shot her a side-eye and frowned.
Quinn cleared her throat, playing delicately with her fingertips. "I'm um…" she fell silent again, taking a deep breath. "I'm not warm. In fact, someone recently asked me if I feel anything at all." She didn't bother masking the fact that she looked directly at Finn. He hung his head but glared at the ground harder than before. "I feel…everything. Too much. It's easier to just be in control all of the time so no one sees any vulnerability. Eventually, they will use it against you. These past three years have not been easy for me." She was starting to look flustered. "This song has gotten me through a lot of things."
She looked like she'd rather turn tail and run out of the room at full speed rather than bare her soul for them. They all knew she could have just taken the easy road and picked something relatable but not deep and passed it off, but she didn't. She wanted to open up and let them in. She was trying.
The music started softly, hauntingly. Quinn's voice joined in, quiet and quick. "You're giving me a million reasons to let you go. You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show. You're giving me a million reasons. Give me a million reasons. Giving me a million reasons. About a million reasons." There were already tears in her hazel eyes but she was valiantly pushing them away. "If I had a highway, I would run for the hills. If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still. But you're giving me a million reasons. Give me a million reasons. Giving me a million reasons. About a million reasons."
It was obvious that she had practiced many times to not cry while singing this song. Rachel felt her chest constrict.
"I bow down to pray. I try to make the worst seem better." Her voice grew in power but her head hung down. "Lord show me the way to cut through all this worn out leather." She swayed with the music eyes slipping closed as she leaned her head back to let more power belt out. "I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away! But yeah, I just need one good one to stay…"
A soft, warm hand slipped into Rachel's and she looked down quickly, eyes darting back up to meet Santana's. There were tears already starting to spill over the cheerleader's eyelashes. Her eyes were closed. Rachel swallowed heavily, feeling like her throat was squeezed together tightly. Tears pricked hotly at the corners of her eyes.
"Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare. It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware. 'Cause you're giving me a million reasons. Give me a million reasons. Givin' me a million reasons. About a million reasons." Quinn's voice choked slightly and tears began to travel slowly down pale cheeks. "And if you say something that you might even mean. It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe. 'Cause you're giving me a million reasons. Give me a million reasons. Givin' me a million reasons. About a million reasons."
Quinn wrapped her arms around herself like she was trying to hold the pieces of herself together while she sang her heart out.
"I bow down to pray…try to make the worst seem better. Lord show me the way…" A soft, hiccup of a sob left Quinn's mouth instead of the next words and she didn't hesitate to turn and flee the room, leaving everyone in silence behind her.
A sigh passed through Santana's lips, her eyes still closed.
"I'm going after her," Rachel said decisively, a beat after no one moved.
Santana squeezed her hand and dropped it, not making eye contact or even acknowledging the touch.
She exited the room, walking quietly along the hallways until she came to an alcove where Quinn sat on a bench, tears still streaming down her face. Her eyes were trained on the wall and were studiously not looking as Rachel's footsteps echoed down the hallway towards her.
"Why?" Quinn asked, not looking at her. "Why was it you?"
Rachel stayed silent, her hands clasped in front of her nervously.
"Why are you out here, Rachel?" Quinn finally turned to stare at her, hands automatically coming up to swipe away the evidence of her tears.
She sat down, exhaling softly. "I don't know what to say, Quinn. That was a powerful performance. I just think you're in a lot more pain than you're telling anyone and I wish you would let us help you."
"'Us' who? You're the only one out here." Quinn looked around pointedly.
Rachel shook her head. "I'm sorry, you know."
"For what?" Quinn rolled her eyes and then glared down at her lap.
"So much…" a humorless scoff escaped her lips. "I wanted to be your friend so many times and you threw it back in my face every time because who was I to you? No one. Just someone who wants to be someone. I wanted the popular girls to like me. But I feel like I've really gotten to know you…and Santana, and Brittany these past couple years. Far beyond popularity and what I wanted from that. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did while extending my hand in friendship. It wasn't very friendly."
Quinn gave her an incredulous look. "I think we can call it even," she said sardonically.
Rachel pursed her lips together sadly, twirling the ends of her hair. "I don't want to be even, Quinn. Getting back at you, while sometimes my intention and sometimes not, never made me feel good. All I did was shut out and ignore how much pain you clearly had to be in. I didn't even try to help this time."
"You brought me back to Glee. That helped."
"We're all here for you, you know. Everything you're going through…we might not get it but…we understand pain." Rachel stood and smoothed her skirt even though there were no pleats to ruffle this time. "Come back in when you're ready, okay?"
Rachel slipped back into the choir room to be greeted with the end of Brittany's number. She quickly headed to her seat and sat to watch the rest of the performance. When it ended and the applause rained down, Brittany danced back to her seat with a bow. Quinn reentered the room with her head bent and took her seat without a word, not meeting anyone's eye.
"That just leaves Rachel," Mr. Shue said, clapping his hands together and smiling.
She froze, breath caught in her chest. It had taken her a long time to decide what she wanted to say to the rest of the club and she wasn't so sure she was ready to let them hear it. She'd put it off too long, though. It was her turn.
She stood up and took her time docking her phone into the station so she could play the backing music for herself. She turned and looked at everyone, opening her mouth to offer an explanation but there were no words.
She pressed play instead and let the music wash over her.
"I'm not sleeping tonight. It's too late to try. Can't stop the voice in my head…" She forced her voice to not waver as she thought about the long nights she'd had the past week. The numerous texts she couldn't delete from her phone because they were proof. "It plays on repeat. Anthems of defeat. Can't let this happen again. I've been down this road. I got all I can hold going up in smoke…"
Her eyes slipped closed, a heavy sinking feeling in her chest. This song was settling like a weight on her heart.
"I get a little bit anxious, oh. Doin it on my own this time and I'll be alright. Show them what I'm made of, oh. Come to far to give up the fight and I'll be alright. What am I afraid of? Oh. What am I afraid of? Ohh."
She took a breath and opened her eyes. This was the hardest part of the song. Studying eyes drilled into her from every angle and she felt so exposed and vulnerable. They were all going to know how weak she actually was.
"Done playing the part just to cry in the dark when I get home from the show." Her face crinkled with pain but she didn't let the tears fall. "In a hotel downtown, searching up and down for something I can control…" She locked eyes with Santana. Hadn't that been what she was trying to do the previous night? Find control in drinking? "I've got nothing to lose. I've done all I can do. What am I trying to prove?"
She looked around at all of the them and then looked up to the ceiling, trying to ignore the tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. It hurt to see the stricken look on Santana's face. Quinn's clenched jaw. Kurt's narrow-eyed suspicion and concern. Brittany's worry.
The chorus came out easily, but the bridge nearly stuck in her throat and when she forced it out, it was raw and husky. "What am I afraid of? Oh… I'm afraid it's not enough. I'm afraid of giving up. Don't wanna go back where I started. Gonna take me a little time. But I've made up my mind…I've made up my mind."
The music faded into a note on the piano leaving her to sing the final chorus in complete acapella. When she finished, her voice strong despite the tears tracking down her cheeks, the club stood and applauded her. Kurt even wiped his eyes hastily with a handkerchief and shook his head, annoyed with himself.
"That was…" Mr. Shue seemed at a loss for words, shaking his head. "I have to say that's not a side we see from you very often, Rachel."
All she did was nod, hovering near the piano so that she didn't have to return to her seat.
"Alright, everyone. These songs were all fantastic. But-" He grinned mischeviously "-only a few of them can be done at the invitational! So come on Monday with your votes ready and we will see what everyone thinks. Dismissed!"
Rachel was quick to grab her bag and exit the room, determined to get away before anyone, namely Finn, could ask about her song choice. It wasn't about him, but she didn't doubt that he would think that it was.
The only cars that remained in the parking lot belonged to the Glee club and staff members. Rachel could see half the football team running drills without the couch, but all their trucks were parked near the field with them.
Her phone chirped in her pocket and her feet froze to the pavement. Why did she even have a phone? Who really contacted her at all besides her fathers and this person? Still…she fished the phone from her pocket and opened the text message.
'Your song moved me, Rachel. I can feel you in my soul. I know I make you feel it too because I've never heard you sing like that. You were meant for me. You are mine.'
Her fingers clenched reflexively and she contemplated throwing her phone across the parking lot.
She had no idea what she was supposed to do now.
…
Songs used:
Shotgun - George Ezra
Girl on Fire - Alicia Keys (Santana's version from season 4)
Million Reasons - Lady Gaga
Anxious - Kate Vogele