Chapter 23 A Coward's Sacrifice
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I pick up the piece of sharpened stone and wrap the bottom part in a strip of rag to protect my hand. There on the ground before me…this isn't Sara anymore. Her soul has gone to Him above. This is…no, this is not Sara anymore. It once was a part of her, though. I…Sara wants me to stay alive. She gave me a reason to live, and for her sake, to not squander all the good things she has given me, I must—My eyes fly open, my stomach churning. I roll over onto my hands and knees and heave violently. I cannot stop heaving, my body contorting so much to expel the nightmarish contents from my stomach that it wracks through me with pain. I heave, heave, and heave, but nothing comes up.
"Lass!?" Large hands grab my arms, trying to steady me. I manage to lift my head enough amidst all the dry heaving to see Eric crouched before me, his eyes wide with worry. I cannot keep my head up anymore and drop it to heave and heave, part of me wishing that I had something in my stomach to throw up, but I have not eaten for a day. Perhaps longer. I heave again, and again...and again...the heaves grow less violent and torturous.
Slowly but surely, the heaving stops, but nausea still twists my stomach. I groan from the hollow feeling and pull my knees under me. I wrap my left arm around my stomach, something heavy sliding down my back. A blanket perhaps. I hum from the dull ache in my stomach and in my right shoulder as I fall back on my heels.
Eric sighs and takes his hands from me. "That's no' the first time ye've woken up heavin' yer guts out."
I manage to lift my heavy eyes to him. He looks down at me, worry still etched in his face. He looks paler than last night. Much paler. Fear creeps into me. I tear my eyes from his worried face and look over the rest of him. He's dressed in all his leathers and belts.
"Ye should eat—"
"You look paler," I say hoarsely, my mouth parched. I lift my groggy eyes to his. His hair is tied back, only a few strands escaping to hang in his face. "The poison—"
"I huvnae eaten or drank anythin' since that tree well either, lass. Let me get ye somethin' to eat before we go." He pushes off his knees to stand up, keeping his eyes on me. "Get dressed. Tonight, I'll make a sling for yer arm." He turns from me and starts to the hearth—his left leg buckles under him, bringing him crashing down to his knee!
"ERIC!" I am at his side before I realize it, my arms going about him in a futile attempt to haul him to his feet again. Pain shoots down my right arm and up into my neck. I clench my teeth against the pain.
"I'm fine, lass! I'm fine!" He grabs my left arm tightly and lifts his gaze to me, his eyes brimming with worry. "Yer shoulder—"
"YOU BASTARD, YOU'RE NOT FINE!" I half scream, half sob. "LOOK AT YOU!"
His face falls. "I'm still breathin'."
"But not standing!"
His face falls more, pain in his eyes. God, I hate seeing him like this! To go from his bearlike strength and resilience to this weakened, rapidly deteriorating state. I may have only known this man for what, sixteen days now? But I know him well enough to see that he was hiding from me how much the poison was truly affecting him!
"You're right, you're still breathing." I shake him hard. "Show me you can stand! Show me you can or so help me I will drag you out of here with both my shoulders!"
He shakes his head. "Lass, promise me that if it comes to either ye or me, ye leave me behind and get yerself to Hammond's! Use my compass!—"
"IT'S NOT GOING TO COME TO THAT!—"
"IF IT DOES!" His face falls, his anger leaving him as quickly as it came. "I said if. Just promise me ye will. For Greta. For me."
My head shakes, my heart racing faster than it ever has gone. "Eric—"
"Ye promise!?"
I swallow hard. "I promise," I force out, my voice cracking with the need to cry. Lie. Complete lie. Whether he knows me well enough or not to see my lie, I'm not sure. I fear he does.
"Thank ye." He squeezes my arm and lets go of me. "Let go of me," he says gently. I hesitate for a breath, but I do as he says and step back, ready to catch him should he start to fall again. He grabs the top of the hearth and hauls himself to his feet with a slight wince. He sucks in a breath and turns to face me, keeping one hand on the hearth. "See?" He holds his free arm out to gesture to himself. "I'm still standin'." He drops his arm.
I frown at him. "Let go of the hearth."
He lets go of the hearth. He almost seems back to his normal self now, but I see the slight waver in his stance, the stiffness in his legs. That must be the paralysis working its way up his arms and legs!
I spring into motion, gathering as much food and drink from our packs and splitting them with Eric, being sure to sneak him all the larger portions. He doesn't seem to notice as he scarfs down all the meat I hand him and downs the water in his skin like a parched man who had just been found wondering about the desert for countless weeks.
He stops downing his water abruptly and rests the rim of his waterskin on my bottom lip. "Here," he urges me. Despite my better sense, I steal his waterskin from him and down the rest of the water. How could we have let ourselves go without food and drink for so long? Were we so preoccupied with our wounds that we didn't notice the hollow aches in our bellies?
"There's more water in the bowls on the table," he says. He turns me about and gently pushes me towards the table. "Drink as much as ye want. Pour the rest into our skins. Dinnae forget yer lamia balm and yer compass!"
"Alright," I say. I bring all our waterskins to the table and fill them to the brim with water from the bowls before corking them. I dress quickly, remembering to collect my knife, my lamia balm, and Eric's compass. I don't care what he says. This will always be his compass to me. Always.
As I approach him with his compass and my lamia balm clutched in both hands, he takes the balm from me and hands me my satchel. "Thank you," I say and stow his compass safely in my satchel. He holds his hand out, offering me the little box of lamia balm. I take the little box from him and store it safely in my satchel. "Thank you again," I say, a small smile managing to lighten my mouth.
He smiles faintly in turn. "Yer welcome." His smile fades as he collects the rest of our packs and our skis. "Let's go," he says.
I frown at him as he goes to the front door and wrenches it open. He steps outside into the dismal grey world, letting in the coldest chill I have felt this winter! I start shivering uncontrollably. I pull my deer pelt tighter about me and follow Eric outside. "Damn, it's so cold!" I say past chattering teeth, the cold immediately sinking its fangs into my body despite my layers. Granted, I have lost one layer.
"Aye." He drops our skis onto the frozen snow and looks over every dilapidated cabin, his breaths coming out as thick, billowy clouds. I glance at the white-grey world about us. There is more snow than before, burying more of the cabins on the opposite side of us. Fortunately, the snowstorm last night seems to have blown away from our porch so we weren't snowed in. Thank Him above for that, though I'm sure he doesn't hear me.
"It's only gonna get colder," Eric says.
"What!?" I hiss, looking back at him.
He shakes his head at me and draws up his hood, hiding most of his face within its shadow. "If ye knew the winds, ye'd feel it. So long as we keep movin', we should stay warm enough and reach Vilgard by nightfall. Strap on yer skis."
We both strap on our skis and I accept my long pole from him. I still, my heart aching for him at the sight of his unusually pale skin. He's almost as white as the snow and almost as ashen as the sky. I'm not sure how both are possible, but I'm seeing it.
"Com'on, let's go. Try to go easy on yer shoulder." He goes to push off with his pole.
"Wait!" I grab his arm, halting him. He looks down at me, his blue eyes so vibrant that they render me frozen like the snow for a few breaths.
His brows furrow. "What? Did ye forget somethin'?"
"No. Here." I pull my deer pelt off me and toss it over his shoulder as best as I can with one hand, my other hand clinging to my long pole for balance.
He frowns at me. "I dinnae need this!" He tries to shrug off my deer pelt, but I wind my arm around the back of his neck, bringing the deer pelt around him in my clenched hand.
"Lass," he says with reprimand. "Ye need this pelt more than me—"
"Don't argue with me because I won't hear it," I say, my voice far softer and gentler than his, but there is a quiet steadfastness in it that silences him. His scowl remains, but he does not resist me further as I straighten the deer pelt about his shoulders and rest my hand over his heart. I cannot feel his heart beating because of his leathers and the deer pelt, but I don't need to to sense his waning life. My eyes sting with unbidden tears. My sight of him starts to blur as the tears build. I blink my eyes fiercely, trying to clear them. Between this blink and that blink, Eric's scowl starts to recede, leaving behind an ever increasing softness and beauty to his strong features.
"Hey," he whispers. He wraps his gloved hand around the back of my neck and guides my mouth to his for a chilled, soft kiss. I try to fight it, wanting so dearly to pull back from him so that we can start already to Vilgard, but I slip away bit by bit, my heart stuck on an ever steepening icy slope heading towards God only knows what. My eyes drift shut and I kiss him back, savoring the tingling sensation that blooms in my lips. He cannot feel this...is he doing this so that I may feel something other than this biting cold, if only for a moment?
Damn, I cannot let him die because of me! I cannot! If he has moved on from Sara, then he can move forward with his life. Find a new wife. Perhaps even have children of his own. There is so much he is capable of. So much goodness and life he can bring forth in this world of evil and death. My life is nought compared to his. For that reason, I will do whatever it takes to get him to Vilgard.
I tear my lips from his, ending our kiss in breathy protests from us both. My lips sting as soon as the bitter cold touches them. I force my eyes open, meeting his vibrant blue ones. Those eyes, the mind behind them and the heart and soul in them, cannot end. Not for my selfish wants, but only for the world's sake.
"Let's go," I say, a few tears slipping down my cheeks. I take my hand from his chest and pull my scarf tight around my nose and mouth, ensuring that he cannot kiss me again.
He frowns down at me, but he nods and takes his hand from the back of my neck. He tears his gaze from me and pushes off with his long pole, his skis slicing smoothly across the frozen snow. I push off with my long pole and follow close after him down the snow-covered road. It has snowed so much that I can no longer see the troughs, the hitching posts and fences. If anything, I barely see the roofs of the last few cabins as we start working our way uphill. If this hill grows any steeper, we'll have to climb it sideways with our skis. I hate doing that.
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If this winter could laugh, she would be cackling wickedly. Though she is mostly silent today, her chill bites so deep that I'm certain it has frozen the marrow in my bones. Eric and I keep skiing, following the curve of the ever deepening Phenoamen Valley. According to Eric, Vilgard lies at the bottom of this valley. It's about a day's journey on skis from the old mining settlement, and a good two days on horseback and four days on foot when the weather is fair.
I watch Eric closely for any sign of him weakening. Every now and then, I see the slight waver in one of his skis before he quickly corrects himself. I also catch the slight buckling of his left knee before he quickly balances himself again. My heart aches terribly and I call to him every time to ask him if he is alright. He tolerates me at first, but as the day goes on, he answers me with a single, irritated wave.
His left knee buckles under him again! My heart skips a beat. I lean more into my skis and start to gain on him! Before I can come up alongside him, he balances himself again and glances back at me. I see the scowl in his cracked, blue-tinged lips, his hood hiding the rest of his face from me. He whips his head forward and leans into his skis, putting that distance between us again. My heart stings. Why the distance? Why his irritation with me? I just want to make sure he's fit enough to reach Vilgard.
I can't help the words out of my mouth. "Eric, are you alright!?"
His shoulders tense almost immediately at hearing my voice. He gives me another single, irritated wave, not sparing a glance back at me. That lashes my heart. No, he's more than irritated with me. He's angry.
"Why are you angry with me!?" I say, unable to keep the stinging hurt out of my voice.
Though faint, I hear him growl. "I'm no' angry with ye!" he snaps, sounding damn well angry!
"Really!?" I snap back, the last of my patience gone. "I never took you for a liar!"
"A LIAR!?" He glances back at me briefly, showing me a glimpse of that hideous sneer twisting his mouth. "I huvnae told ye one lie!" He whips his head forward to focus on the curving valley ahead of us.
"Yet you have kept things from me!"
"Aye, but ye know everythin' now! There's nothin' I'm keepin' from ye!"
I frown at his back, my anger starting to fizzle out.
He straightens his back a bit while easing himself to the right, following the curve of the valley. "Tell me, lass, are ye keepin' somethin' from me!?" He cannot look back at me because of the winding valley, which I'm grateful for, but I can only imagine the scowl contorting his beautiful face into that menacing, downright hideous face of his.
My heart reaches the bottom of the icy slope it has been sliding down all day. If I tell him anything, just one of my dark secrets...he is already angry with me! God, even with his life waning much like this bitter cold day, any conviction I might have to utter just one dark truth to him now, especially the truth of my name...they are like the howling wind to the mountain of my cowardice. No matter how much the wind may howl, the mountain will not crumble.
"No!" I answer him, my voice faltering. I open my mouth to utter more words, though only silence leaves me. As soon as the valley straightens, Eric looks back at me, scrutinizing me from his sideways glance. I drop my gaze to the back ends of his skis. I cannot bring myself to look at him right now. I cannot. Damn me for being such a coward! But...I am.
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With the world dimming, my stomach knots more and more.
"Eric, are we nearly there!?" I call to him.
"Almost!" he calls back to me. "Just around this bend and it'll be a straight shot to Vilgard! We'll be there by nightfall!" He leans into his skis, steering left down the valley.
"Oh, praise God!" I cry out, relief washing over me like the sweetest warm breeze. I lean into my right ski, veering myself left. Finally, I can see an end to this torment. Eric will get the herbs he needs. Oh God, I know you never hear me, but when Eric and I get to the healer and the healer gives the herbs to him, I will prostrate wherever I stand and praise your glorious name for you did not take Eric from me. For once, you have answered my prayer...or perhaps you didn't. Or perhaps I am talking to a long dead being who was once thought to be eternal. Perhaps it was Eric's sheer strength and our combined determination that saved his life. I don't see how anything or anyone can stop us now. Not when we are so close. I simply cannot see how the healer in Vilgard will not have the herbs that Eric needs to neutralize the poison in his body. Life has been so cruel to Eric and I already. I cannot see how much crueler life can become, nor how this winter will ground us now.
"STOP!" Eric shouts. He suddenly swerves right, cutting into my path! I scream and swerve out of his way! My skis move too far ahead of me, stealing my feet out from under me! I collapse onto my back, still sliding forward in the frozen snow with the momentum!
"LASS!" he calls after me. Frozen globs of snow strike my face over and over again, blinding me! My long pole slips out of my grasp as I scrabble at the snow to slow myself down, but my hands skim over the frozen surface! I suddenly feel the land rise up beneath me, carrying me uphill a small ways before I finally slow to a stop!
"Greta!" Skis cut through the snow and skid to a stop near my head. "Ye hurt!?" A gloved hand brushes the snow off my face, allowing me to blink the few stinging, melting snowflakes from my eyes. Though my sight is blurry, I see Eric hovering over me as he cradles my head in both hands. "How's yer back!? Yer neck!?" He lifts my head carefully and slowly turns it, assessing me. "Did ye hurt yer shoulder?"
Annoyance pricks at me and anger wells in my chest as I suddenly remember who caused this fall! "What the hell, Eric!?" I brace my hands against the snow and push myself up, hissing from sharp pain that shoots from my right shoulder down my arm and up my neck. Yes, it was only two nights ago that Eric popped my dislocated shoulder back into place. I twist my waist to look back at him, my legs and skis partly trapped in the snow. "Why did you stop like that!?" My voice echoes in this valley, carrying into the encroaching night.
He frowns at me and shakes his head. "The way ahead...it's blocked," he answers, his voice so soft I barely hear him.
"WHAT!? BY WHAT!?"
He turns his head from me and nods to the path ahead. "A snowslide."
I follow his gaze...to a towering mountain of snow and many splintered trees sticking out of it. The mountain of snow and splintered trees sits right in the center of the valley, completely cutting off the way ahead. My heart sinks so deep that it takes the last of my hope with it.
"It must have happened last night durin' the snowstorm, or shortly after that," he says, sounding a little down, but mostly stating it as a matter-of-fact.
I turn my head to him in disbelief. "How can you react so calmly to this!?" Anger shoots down into my left arm, begging for release. I shove his chest hard, knocking him back onto his arse. "DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS!?" I yell, unable to contain myself. I choke on a sob, my sight of him blurring with a gushing of tears.
"Did I know!? How was I–I didnae know about this! Believe me!" He holds his hand to his chest. "If I had known about this, I would've taken us around the valley, no' through it!"
"How could you!?" I sob, my heart not hearing his words. I turn my back on him and bury my face in my gloved hands, weeping into them and soaking my scarf with tears. "You can't die!" I wail, my voice muffled by my hands and my scarf.
"Lass, please." His arms appear about me and pull me back into his chest, freeing my legs and skis from the snow. I can't help but weep harder and cling to his arms. "Please," he says above me. My heart squeezes so much that it shrivels up on itself, expelling all my blood from it. I weep so hard that no sound leaves me anymore, my eyes so screwed shut that I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to open them again. My lungs burn and cry for air, but I'm stuck in a silent wail, rocking back and forth in his arms. Finally, my wail ends, and I gasp in a desperate, trembling breath of frigid air.
"I'm no' dead yet," he says, his voice more steady than before. "We'll just have to go around! That's all. There's more than one way into Vilgard."
I shake my head, finding it too hard to believe his sudden determination. Deep down, I know he is only saying this because he needs me to keep going. For his sake, I must keep going.
He rubs my arms vigorously and squeezes them. "Yer gonna reach Hammond's. I know ye will. Yer strong. Yer a survivor."
"Eric!" I sob. Why is he saying all this!?
"Com'on, we have to backtrack a wee bit before we can climb out of this valley. Then, we go around it." He turns my head up to him so he can press his lips to mine for a hard, brief kiss. Before I can kiss him back, he ends our kiss and grabs his long pole off the snow. He turns it upright and stabs the sharpened end into frozen snow, cracking the surface into several ice shards about the pole. "Com'on, lass. Together," he says.
His determination, his unwavering belief in me that I will reach Hammond's, that I am a survivor, the strength of his arm about me and his chest at my back, and the determination I have to get him to Vilgard no matter the cost to me—it all works together to give me the strength and hope that I need.
I grab hold of his long pole just beneath his hand and tilt my chin all the way back to meet his upside down gaze. "Together," I whisper, that single word coming out as a little puff of white air.
He smiles down at me and gives me one strong nod. We both look to the long pole and together we help each other to our feet.
"Take my pole," Eric says, releasing his long pole.
I look at him and frown, watching him while he skis the short distance to my abandoned long pole and scoops it up. "This way," he says, pushing off with my pole the way that we had come from. My heart threatens to sink again at the ever darkening world about us. Sooner than later, we must find shelter. If we have to spend the night out in this blistering cold...I'm not sure we'll survive the night. But what choice do I have other than to follow him back the way we came? With a heavy heart, I push off with his long pole and follow after him, my stomach knotting more and more at the thought of the growing distance between us and Vilgard.
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We ski as fast as we can back down the valley with the night chasing after us. The upward slopes of the valley walls to both sides of us gradually shorten, but they're still impossibly tall and too steep to climb. The world grows darker still, making it increasingly difficult to see. We ski and weave through the valley, easing into the curves of the valley with an efficiency that Eric has taught me. He may have his cold, curt, stern way of instruction, but he is an effective teacher.
The night starts to catch up with us, making it so hard to see Eric that he is nothing but a black shadow racing against the dim white world. My stomach knots up terribly and my heart beats harder. Can Eric see? We must get out of this valley now, but—
"Lass, stop!" he calls back to me. He holds his hand up and eases himself to a steady stop.
"Why!?" Despite my anger at stopping now, I slow to a stop a few feet beside him.
He turns the shadow of his head to me. "It's too dark now to see just about anythin'! There's a chill in the wind that's comin' tonight. We must find shelter here."
"HERE!?" My voice bounces off the valley's walls and carries into the ever darkening night. He scuttles over on his skis to the left wall of the valley and stabs his long pole into the snow. "Eric, what are you doing!? Isn't this valley the worst place to be with the winds!? And snowslides!?"
He shakes his head as he unstraps his skis. "We dinnae have a choice! Believe me, this is the last place I want to stay the night, too." He frees his feet from his skis and he starts digging into the snow with his gloved hands. He's right. There is a chill in this already bitterly cold world. A merciless cold is advancing, the kind of cold that will give someone frostbite with just a few moments of exposure to it no matter how clothed they are. I free my feet from my skis and go to help Eric dig with my gloved hands. I bury my gloved hands into the snow and scoop it out of the valley wall, an instant pain blooming in my right shoulder.
"Nae, lass, dinnae help me! Yer shoulder—"
"I'm fine!" I turn my head to him, barely able to see the worry in his face because of how dark it is. "Please, this will go quicker with the two of us digging."
He sighs and looks at the little hole marring the slope of packed snow. "This is a bad idea," he mutters as he pulls his hatchet out from under his coat and hands it to me. "Dig with this, then. I want ye to keep yer fingers."
My stomach knots terribly. I couldn't care less about my fingers. "What about your fingers?"
He shakes his head. "Ursus' blood flows through my veins. I can handle this cold."
My brows furrow, another thousand questions sprouting in my mind like dandelions, but I ignore them all for now and help Eric dig the snow out of the valley wall. I dig as fast as I can, scooping the snow down the slope in sizable piles. My shoulder and arm hurts with every pull and twist it makes, but I am more driven to help Eric than to succumb to my pain. I remember the pain of my shoulder being dislocated, and this is almost nothing compared to that.
I see Eric working slower from the corners of my eyes. Far too slowly. My heart aches while unease settles in my gut. "Eric—"
"Slow down, lass!" He grabs my arm, halting my efforts to dig out this shelter. "Dinnae work too fast. Ye'll build up a sweat and it'll make ye colder than ye already are. Rest until ye get yer breath back."
"What?" I gasp, my eyes widening at my heaving chest and my burning lungs. I'm out of breath! I didn't realize that I was. My God, I was so focused on getting this shelter dug out, so focused on getting Eric out of this damn cold that I did not realize I was overexerting myself. He squeezes my arm and resumes digging, pacing himself far better than I was. Before I catch my breath again, he finishes digging out a decent entrance and starts digging up.
"What are you doing?" I ask him while I inch closer to the entrance, bouncing on my chilled toes. I want to squeeze in there with him and help him, but he blocks the whole way in with his bear-sized body.
"We want where we sleep to be higher than the entrance to our cave. Heat rises, so it'll be jus' warm enough," he says from inside the cave, his voice muffled by the snow.
"Oh," I murmur. A cave? A snow cave. "Can I help please?" I ask him, my heart twistin. I know that I have a bum shoulder now, but that doesn't mean that I cannot help him.
"I'm almost done!" he calls from within the snow cave. "There!" he says finally and crawls backwards out of the cave. He straightens and turns to face me, resting his back against the side of the snow cave's entrance. "Hand me my long pole," he says, extending his empty hand to me.
I yank his long pole out of the snow and hand it to him.
"Thank ye." He nods his thanks and turns to face his little snow cave again.
"You're welcome…," I trail off, watching in bewilderment as he wields his long pole with both hands like a spear and thrusts it deep into the roof of his snow cave! "What are you doing now!?" I ask him.
He pulls his long pole out of the snow and thrusts it deep into the roof of his snow cave in another spot. "We need to be able to breathe," he says, chuckling.
"Uh…," I lose the rest of my words. I...I assume the holes will let us breathe...somehow. Won't the entrance be open?
"There." Eric turns back to me. "Ye crawl in first. Here." He stabs his long pole in the snow again and pulls the three straps of our packs over his head. He drops our packs in the snow and shrugs off his coat!
Panic surges through me. Has he lost his mind!? "Eric!—"
"Take it," he says, holding his coat out to me, bringing back memories of us in that dark forest our first night together. "Ye cannae lie on the snow. Ye'll get damp. Ye can use my coat as a layer between ye and the snow."
I frown at him, but I accept his coat. "Alright," I murmur.
"Good." He nods once, relieved, and wraps his arm around my back, ushering me towards the snow cave. "In ye go."
I hand him his hatchet and duck my head into the entrance of his snow cave until I can straighten my back. The windchill in here disappears completely. I can hear the faint whistling of the wind outside, but no more than that. I glance up. It's a short, steep climb up a narrow tunnel, and there is a small, flattened surface at the top beneath a rounded ceiling. That must be where I should layer the snow with Eric's coat.
A terrible pang enters my heart as I climb up the narrow tunnel and spread out Eric's coat on the shelf-like surface. I wish Eric had kept his coat on, yet I also find myself in awe of him, especially now. I know he is feeling weaker and more exhausted than he is letting on, yet he has dug out most of this snow cave as shelter. He gave up his coat for me again, only this time to lay on it to keep me off the snow. I hope he will at least try to share his coat with me.
"Your coat's laid out! Now climb in!" I haul myself up onto the little snow shelf, wanting to let him in here as soon as possible. I don't give a damn that he has Ursus' blood flowing through his veins. He is standing out in that bitter cold with no proper coat now! I toss over onto my other side and peer down the dim tunnel, the roof so low that I can barely sit up. Eric's shadowed form ducks into the tunnel and props our skis and long poles against the wall, but he turns around instead of climbing up. My brows furrow more while I hear more than see snow being moved around with his boots. I sigh. "Now what are you doing!?"
Eric groans softly, perhaps just as annoyed with me as I am with him. "Hopefully I'm no' sealin' us in our tomb."
What little warmth I had drains from my face. There's no need for words. Hopefully, no snowslide comes down over us this night, forever burying us deep in the snow. He finishes sealing off the entrance with snow and turns around. He drops forward against the tunnel, lacking his usual grace and dexterity.
"Eric?" I say softly, watching him with my heart on the edge to see if he has the strength to pull himself up onto this snow shelf. He folds his arms on the snow shelf and rests his head on his arms, letting go of a loud, exhausted breath. My heart teeters dangerously over the precipice. "Climb up here." I pat his coat eagerly. "I'm pretty small." I force a single laugh...but that's all I've got in me. "There's plenty of space for you."
He slowly turns his head to me, but he barely lifts his cheek off his arms. Though it's so dark in here, I can just make out the faint smile on his mouth. "I jus' need a moment," he says so softly that I barely hear him despite these tight quarters of packed snow.
My heart falls off the edge, taking the slowest, most painful tumble down the cliff of despair. Tears prick my eyes. I fight back the tears. With each strike my heart takes from its ongoing tumble down the cliff face, it begs more and more to be as close to Eric as possible for something to soothe its wounds. I yank off my left glove, hold my bare hand to my mouth, and blow as much of my hot breath onto it as possible. Warming it up just enough, I slip my fingers between his bristly cheek and his chilled leather bracer.
His smile grows only a fraction, the muscles of his face trembling in my hand. Deep down, I know he wants to give me a bigger smile than this...but he cannot muster the strength to do it. My heart hits the bottom of the cliff, battered, bruised, and broken beyond healing now. No, he won't be climbing up here to lay beside me, and there's no way I could ever help pull him up. I don't have the strength to.
"Yer no' gonna get much rest tonight," he murmurs. "Yer gonna have to keep pokin' holes in the ceilin'...so ye can keep breathin'. I'm sorry."
"No, no!" I shake my head, keeping my voice as soft and soothing as possible, though it trembles with my tears. The wind builds outside until the winter is howling with another raging snowstorm. "I'll do whatever it takes to keep us alive through the night."
He breathes out heavily again...as if out of breath. "I know ye will." His heavy head leans more upon my hand, his smile lessening. "Yer strong. I could ne'er have endured like ye did...in that cell." He draws in a strong breath...though his shoulders do not rise as much as they should. His shoulders drop almost immediately, surely not getting the proper nourishment his lungs need from the air.
"You saw my cell!?" I utter, stunned.
"Aye." He squeezes his eyes shut, as if in pain. "And it's no' yer cell." He forces his eyes open, though he can barely keep them open. "No' anymore. Ye freed yerself from that."
I shake my head, my tears winning the battle against me and spilling down my cheeks. "I only ran because Greta told me to...and because Finn stupidly left the door open with the keys in it."
He musters a single, breathy laugh. "Ye still could've jus' sat there...but ye chose to run. To free yerself...to try and save Greta."
I perk up, the tiniest bit of hope burning in me like a small flame. "Did you see her too!?"
The last of his smile leaves him. "Nae."
The little flame in me goes out with that single word.
"Jus' because I dinnae see her...disnae mean she's dead."
I sniffle hard. "Right," I say with a quivering voice, nodding. "You're absolutely right."
He musters another smile, though this is one smaller than the last. "Yer beautiful," he whispers, his voice fainter than before. He draws in another half breath before it escapes him.
More tears prick my eyes. Only a blind and deaf man would not notice Eric's increasing difficulty to draw breath. "Eric?" I call his name softly. His eyes drift shut and his head grows heavier in my hand. My heart lurches in my chest. "Eric!?" I yank my other glove off with my teeth and cradle his other cheek.
"I'm here," he whispers, though he does not open his eyes.
My tears spill with abandon now, drawing the bonenipping chill right to my cheeks. For his sake, though, and for this quiet moment, I keep my weeping silent and simply allow the tears to fall. I sense his life dimming, much like the darkness closes in around a single flame, slowly suffocating it with the wrong kind of air, the kind of air that we breathe out and not take in. No matter how much I want to, I cannot bring myself to shake him, to command him to draw in breath. God, even if I did, I don't think he could do it. Even if he could do it, it would only be for a few breaths. If this...I suck in a shuddery breath, my chest trembling. Gingerly and slowly, I stroke his cheek with my fingers, barely able to see him in this darkness. If this is to be his last, then he must go as peacefully as possible...and I'm the only one who can do something about it. There's no healer to ease his suffering, no priest nor monk to offer prayers for him, no fire to warm him nor bed to hold him. All he has for warmth are my chilled, numb hands that barely cover his face...though cannot he even feel my hands and their meager warmth! The damn poison has numbed him! All I can comfort him with are my words. If I can even find the right words to say! My words have brought him far more distress than happiness, but if I don't say anything now, I may be too late.
I scoot closer to him and bring my lips close to his face, trying to expel a few warm breaths onto his chilled skin, though I don't know if this winter is stealing my warm breath before it touches him. I gingerly stroke his cheek even though he cannot feel my touch. Damn, there's no time to think! It's now or never. "I almost gave up...about two years ago. I had...made a noose." My voice shakes.
"Mm!" he hums, his face tightening under my hand.
I wince. And there's the distress that I have caused him. "I had secured the noose from one of the rafters...I almost...then Sara...she saved me. She gave me hope, Eric. Your wife gave me hope!" I rest my hand fully on his cheek. A sob shakes me. "I only endured because of her! Because of the favor she asked me to do!"
His lips move, very faintly muttering something.
Another sob escapes me. "I didn't hear you!"
"Promise...through the bars." He barely manages to say those three words, but I heard him.
I gasp in another shuddery breath. "A promise through the bars! Yes! You're right!"
He hums again, slipping further from me. As lightly as I can, I ghost my fingertips down to the vital artery of his throat and feel for his heartbeat there. My eyes widen, his heart thumping so fast, so chaotically in his throat that I cannot count it! I sense his heart racing for its life, yet no blood can fill it! God, he's so close! Another moment, and his heart will fail him. Then, he will die! He cannot die! You will not take him from me, God! Not yet!
I slide my right hand down between his arms and his chest, seeking out his heart. A sharp pain pierces my shoulder and races down my arm. I grit my teeth against the pain and for the pain to come. I'm not sure how much of my life it will cost me to keep him alive throughout this night. This is far different to the only two other times in my life I had wielded this evil. My father had a mortal wound, which could be mended with one life, and the land needed to be revived, which three years of my life seemed sufficient. My father and the land both needed only one cutting of life. I knew the costs to both. This...I do not see how much of my life it will take to sustain Eric. For all I know, one more heartbeat for him could cost me the rest of my pathetic life. But damn it, I have to take that chance, even if that chance doesn't make any sense! These may be my last few moments on this earth as well, but I have to try. I have to. I will not lie here and do nothing!
I find his heart. I rest my hand gently on his chest, though I cut deeply into him. His face twists with agony, but no sound leaves him. "I'm sorry," I weep softly and press my lips to his forehead. This will be a night of torment for us both if I survive the night, but I must slowly feed my life into him rather than giving him many of my years at once. Doing so will help me to gauge how much of my life it will cost me to sustain him...God, finding out is the worst part to all of this, but I must try.
I take his heart into my hand, feeling and seeing the last bit of his life in it. Ten more breaths, and his soul will leave his flesh. Brief doubt rises in me as I take Maacthis' knife and cut a small piece off my own heart. Sharp, crushing pain consumes my chest. I can't keep in the cry that escapes me. The hot flow of my blood slowly spills out into my chest, burning me inside like molten iron. Five more breaths, and he will be gone. Should I let him pass? He'll be with Sara again. Three more breaths. His gasps in a single, agonal breath, not of his own will, but because of his body's primal nerves. Two more breaths.
I tether his heart to mine, sharing with him my every heartbeat, my every breath. I cut off another little piece of my heart, and another, and another, each of my heartbeats now costing me two, each of my breaths now costing me two. Searing pain wraps around my chest like a black concord snake, crushing me so hard that I feel like I'm about to burst open. I can't help each sob and wail of pain that claws its way out of my throat. My blood scorches me on the inside like somebody is pouring scalding water down my throat, surely leaving heinous scars behind. I throw my left arm around Eric's limp body and cling to him, bracing myself for a whole night of this slow, steady feeding of my life into him and this pain that is eager to torture me all night long. I just need to keep him alive tonight while sparing as much of my life as possible and enduring this pain. That way come morning, I can give him a much larger portion of my years to sustain him for…God, I don't know! I don't even know.