Sorry again for another long wait (this one was unacceptably long) 😩 We Canadians have to take advantage of the two weeks of decent weather we get every year :/

aravenamongcrows on Tumblr (ask and submissions are open!)

General trigger warnings for this story: Language, smut, mentions of rape, abuse, drug use/overdose, violence/death.

CHAPTER 42: OUT OF BODY

It was Tig's second lonely night of misery in Nevada. There had been no progression with the Mayans; Jury and his crew were still being held hostage in Vegas with no explanation. He was pissed. This was supposed to be a short trip - a short trip that he was already frustrated with after having to leave things so messy - now he was stuck in Nevada for god knows how long.

He resorted to counting floorboards - an action that took him back to his military days when he would be stuck awake at night with no distractions. There were plenty of distractions in Nevada; young, tight, and willing distractions, but he needed to stay on track if he was going to get Sydney back. Indulging in some easy pussy to silence his guilt for ten minutes would only conjure up more self loathing, and self loathing was what'd caused him to lose her in the first place.

Sydney had convinced Half-Sack that keeping her company was considered "club business" which fell under his prospect duties. The two spent the night playing video games, eating junk, and drinking beer to occupy their crowded minds. Sydney was eternally grateful to have a friend in the club like Kip; someone she could trust with club issues and personal issues, someone that knew when to comfort her instead of ask questions; she'd never had a friend like that before.

"I should probably get going…" It was nearing 3:00 a.m. and Half-Sack knew that he would be summoned to the clubhouse early.

"Will you stay?" Sydney asked shyly. Having someone around helped distract her from the sadness, while also providing her the sense of normalcy of having a man in the house.

"Uh… Are you sure?" He hesitated. "You know, I won't get in trouble or anything?"

"I have a guest room."

"Well then yeah, I could do that." He stood from the couch.

"Thank you." Before he knew it, she was wrapping him in her arms and squeezing him tight.

He chuckled nervously before smiling and hugging her back, resting his cheek on the top of her head. "Anytime." He meant it.

Sydney got herself ready for bed while Half-Sack tidied up the living of their mess, she felt the dread building, filling the pit of emptiness in her stomach as the time to lay down and be left alone with her thoughts neared closer and closer.

"Hey, Syd?"

"Yeah?" She snapped her head up from where it had fallen, catching a glimpse in the bathroom mirror of the hollowness behind her eyes.

"Can I tell you something?" He asked as she padded into the bedroom.

"Yeah." Concern overtook her face "Yeah, of course." She nodded, sitting down on her bed.

"It's nothin serious." He stopped her worrying. "I just… You know, have all these stories from Iraq and no one really pays attention to me…"

"Tell me." She nodded enthusiastically with bright eyes.

"Okay." He smiled. "You can lay down though, you know how I ramble…"

"That I do." She laughed, climbing under the covers and getting comfortable while he situated himself at the foot of her bed.

By the time he'd gotten through three stories about combat, weapons, and death, the fourth one about military barracks finally had the desired effect and Sydney had fallen asleep. He smiled, gently getting up off of her bed and slowly dimming the light until the room was dark. He strolled to the guest bedroom feeling pleased with himself, he'd successfully managed to get her to sleep without any time to think about Tig.

Tig awoke to the sound of roaring Harley engines in the early hours of the morning. He shot out of bed, pulling on his jeans and grabbing his gun as he bounded down the hallway with Juice not far behind. He breathed a sigh of relief when the doors opened to reveal that Jury and the rest of the Indian Hills charter had made it back safely.

"Hey man." Tig greeted the President with a hug after tucking his gun away. "What happened? Mayans let up?"

"Yeah…" Jury pulled away. "Just took off. No explanation after a two-day surveillance." He hadn't had a good feeling about patching into the SOA from the start, and this was exactly why.

"Let's get the place locked down, Juice will show you the guns." Tig nodded to his younger brother, passing off the job so that he could get outside and call Clay after sensing Jury's suspicion.

"What?" Clay groaned after rolling over to answer his ringing phone at the offending hour.

"Mayans backed off, let Indian Hills ride back safe."

"What? And they never hit the clubhouse?" He scowled, nothing about this made any sense. "Maybe this whole thing is about Indian Hills… Aint got nothin to do with us."

"Jury, man… He seems pretty sure it's about us." Tig grimaced as he squinted in the rising sun.

"Stay up there a few more days. A show of good faith until we can offer up a proper explanation."

Tig opened his mouth to protest, but quickly shut it. He'd been dying to get home, but he knew that the more he pushed his limits, the harder Clay would come down on him. "Alright. I'll check in if I hear anything else." He snapped his burner shut, sighing heavily as he dragged his ass back to bed.

Clay hadn't been fooled by Tig's attempt at obedience, but he would rather have a right hand who faked it, than a left hand who embraced it.

"What do we think?" Jax asked as he closed the door to the office where he'd followed Sydney after church.

"Whatever we aren't seeing is clouding the whole pool. This shit is murky." Sydney shook her head as she replayed Clay's report of the Indian Hills situation over and over in her head but no matter how many scenarios she ran through, there wasn't a single explanation that made complete sense. "What about Darby?"

Jax winced when she brought up the sensitive subject of the bald man, remembering the spat that it had caused between them only days earlier. "Hear me out…" She widened her eyes as she sat down, not wanting history to repeat itself. "He's the only one who wouldn't have a problem tipping off the Mayans and we know he has something to gain by doing it. We know he's pushing further and further into Charming. Even if he is only selling in Pope, he's sending messages with those injured truckers."

"I don't know…" She had a point but Jax still felt like there was a vital piece of the puzzle missing. "Even if he did tip off the Mayans, and they did know that we were running guns up to Nevada, why would they stand guard for two days with no demands?"

"You're right." She groaned as she slumped over her desk. "They didn't intercept the drop, they didn't send a message. I'm at a loss." She spoke with heavy frustration.

"You find out about Hale?"

"Nah." She winced. "Saw him at the diner, he seemed cold but he always seems cold. I'll need more time with him."

"I don't think you'll have a problem with that." He smirked.

"Probably not." She rolled her eyes and stood from the desk. "Maybe you'll be the one I throw a beating to in order to get myself locked up next time." She nudged him playfully.

"Ouch." He chuckled. "Guess I'll just have to watch my back." He tossed her a wink over his shoulder as he turned to leave.

"Oh by the way." She stopped him. "I talked to Gemma about Tara."

"About Tara?" He scowled. He still hadn't heard from Tara and even though A.T.F. was still causing them problems, he didn't see how she was still involved.

"Whatever Gemma knew about Tara and Kohn, I stopped her from pressing it further. I wanted you to know that I didn't tell her or Clay anything about why Kohn was harassing us."

"What did she know?"

"She knew Tara had the restraining order, gave her a gun for protection, knew it was Kohn and knew that he broke into your house. I don't know how, but none of it came from me."

"Fuck." Jax shook his head as he looked at his white shoes, running his hand over his face. "It was me."

"What?" Surprise overtook her face. She'd spent days anxiously awaiting what she thought would've been an inevitable confrontation.

"When Kohn messed up shit in my house and she was cleaning it up… I was pissed and said A.T.F. did it because of Tara, she must've put the rest together."

"Well that's a relief." She chortled, glad that she was clear of the possible accusations.

"What'd you tell her?"

"Same thing I told you. That Clay knowing is dangerous and would do the opposite of what she thinks telling him would."

He looked at her skeptically. Jax found it hard to believe that anyone could convince his mother not to try to have Tara banished from the island.

"Don't worry Jaxy." She walked up to him slowly. "I pulled those heartstrings real tight. Mommy won't want to do anything that will get her little boy in trouble." She mock-pouted while tugging on the lapel of his blue flannel.

"We'll see about that." He laughed. "Thanks." He nodded, walking out of the office with a smile.

Unfortunately for Sydney, a slow week in the club didn't guarantee a slow week at the clubhouse - she was stuck on bar shift for the evening. She was exhausted from not only a very early church after a very late night, but from exercising all of her emotional strength to suppress anything she felt about what had happened with Tig. She knew that she had to face it sooner or later, but she hoped that maybe if she ignored it for long enough, it wouldn't be as bad when she finally allowed herself to deal with it.

Sydney spent most of her shift in a haze, operating like a robot, hearing nothing other than drink orders. As time went on she felt like she could barely keep her eyes open as everything blurred around her, all of the chatter fading into a faint ringing in her ears.

"Princess!" She was startled by Clay's voice, shaking her head and refocusing her eyes.

"Sorry." She blinked a few times. "What'd you want?"

"Take a break. I need to talk to you."

It was in that moment that Sydney decided she'd enjoyed her time of feeling like a robot, because the President's request filled her to the brim with anxiety. She followed him outside where he sat down on top of a picnic table and lit a cigar, sitting beside him and wringing her hands in an attempt to try and hide the trembling in her body.

"I uh… Never got to thank you." He began. "For the money, for McKeevy, for the Mayans… For everything you've done for this club."

"Ah… It was nothin." She smiled bashfully when she realized the wholesome nature of his intent.

"It wasn't." He shook his head confidently. "It was more than any of my guys cared to do."

"Well it was nothin to me… But if you wanna keep a tab and put that towards something like a patch in vote… I won't complain." She grinned.

Clay chuckled, bringing his cigar to his lips while she lit up. "So, how much of your own cash did you pad McKeevy's pay out with?"

Sydney's lips curled around her cigarette. "Entry fee was a couple g's but we made it all back."

"You're a good racer."

"Nah, you can thank Tig for that." She answered without thinking, looking away when she realized she'd just inadvertently rolled the welcome mat out for his inquisition.

"Tig…" He nodded slowly. "You wanna talk about that?"

"Not particularly." She scoffed.

"Had a feeling you'd say that." He smiled softly. "I think we need to, after the other day..."

"What's the matter Pres, can't get on board with a little iron play?" He chuckled, glad that whatever had happened between them hadn't crippled her sense of humour.

"That's not why I wanted to talk about it."

Now she was worrying again; worrying about the one thing she'd feared this whole time - that her relationship had impacted her dream. "It's like you said before - doesn't interfere with the club." She ground her teeth, keeping her voice level.

"That's not why I wanted to talk about it either." She scowled, now she was just confused. "I'm not concerned about your ability to separate shit with him. I know you can do your job. I'm concerned about you, how you're doing with it."

Normally, Sydney would ward off any kind of conversation like this, but a bit of reassurance about her position from not only the one person that she so badly wanted to impress - but the one person she admired most was not something she was eager to push away at the moment.

"I'll get over it." She spoke half in determination, half in hope. "Shit with him… Doesn't change what I want, doesn't change why I'm here."

"I'd hope not… Would hate to lose you over a shithead like Tig." The two shared a laugh.

Sydney returned from the talk with Clay feeling a little less dreary. After finishing up her shift, she found herself sitting at the bar listening to the mindless chatter of Jessica while staring into her rum and coke. She twirled the straw around in the glass of ice and watered down liquid, trying to gain enough strength to get herself out of the barstool and into her car but she couldn't seem to find it. She couldn't spend the night alone where she would have to face her emotions.

"Hey, Princess." Jax threw his arm around her shoulders as he and Chibs took the empty seats beside her. "You gonna dance with me?"

"Jax." She sighed with a small smile, looking between him and the Scot who she knew were trying to cheer her up. "I'm not really in the mood."

"Well then I guess we're just gonna have to get you in the mood." Jax shrugged, sharing a look with Chibs who did the same.

Half-Sack ran to the stereo when he saw Jax's nod, cutting off the rock music that was filling the clubhouse and replacing it with some of the trashy hip-hop that Sydney loved so much - much to the guys' dismay. By now they'd all had their fair share of her music, whether it was while she was driving or working in the bar and they hated it, but they were willing to set that aside tonight.

Sydney was shocked when she heard that not only were the guys offering to dance with her, but they were offering to dance to her music. She sat at the bar for a few minutes while Jax and Chibs danced and sang the lyrics to her playfully - which apparently they'd learned sometime in the past few hours. She bit her lip and grinned, letting them make fools of themselves just long enough for her to join in to finish up the song. When she turned back to the bar, there were three tequila shots waiting for her while her music continued booming through the large speakers around the room. This was definitely the kind of distraction she needed.

Half-Sack smiled from the corner of the room where he tucked his iPod that was shuffling Sydney's playlist behind the speaker as he watched her dance and sing like usual - like there was nothing eating her alive the way that he knew it was. He was glad that it hadn't taken the guys much convincing to help try and cheer her up, but he prayed that Tig would be back tomorrow to make things right because he knew that he wouldn't be able to hit three home runs in a row.

Jax tried his hardest to keep up with Sydney as she downed shots left and right, but the girl could out-drink him on a good day - a bad one was a whole other story. He laughed as they went back and forth singing and dancing playfully, enjoying that despite their rocky history, they could be each others' distraction. Regardless of how he felt about her when they were at the table, he felt stronger that the perky blonde was far too good looking for the morally questionable Sergeant.

"Bobby!" Sydney hollered as she wobbled her way over to the older man sitting at a table with some croweaters, sitting down on his lap and swinging her feet up onto the table. "You aint going home to Precious tonight?"

Bobby scoffed. "I'd rather eat another one of your burritos than do that." He took a swig of beer.

"Why did you guys even get married." She scrunched up her face dramatically.

"Benefits." The pair both laughed at his answer.

"Hey!" She yelled in his ear in realization, making him wince. "You still owe me a shot!"

"What?" He laughed nervously. "Nah… That shit's expired."

"Nope." She grinned, hopping up from his lap and skipping down the hall. If the night could continue on like this where everyone knew it was better not to ask about Tig, she might actually be able to enjoy herself.

"What're you doin?" Jax laughed as he watched the short girl standing barefoot on the counter, rifling through mounds of pastas and sauces in the back of the cupboard.

She didn't answer, instead turning around with a grin as she held up her prize: the jar of habanero juice.

"You kept that?"

"I knew it'd come in handy. Now wipe that look off your face, you'll be laughing soon enough." She chuckled, motioning him over to her.

He quirked an eyebrow but obliged if it meant keeping up the chipper mood that torturing his brothers brought her, walking over and scooping up her shoes before turning around so that she could get on his back before he took off down the hallway.

"Jesus christ, can I kick this thing into second gear?" She laughed as she jabbed her heel into his hip which made his knees buckle in pain as he tumbled to the ground with her in tow.

The two laid on the wooden floor of the hallway laughing, the hysterics only increasing when Jax looked over to see her clutching the jar for dear life while she laid on her back with her legs propped up against the wall after the awkward fall.

"Are you-" He gasped for air as he tried to compose himself and help her up. "Are you okay?"

Sydney couldn't form proper words so she just nodded as she tried to get back to her feet, clutching Jax's arm as she fumbled to put her shoes back on.

"I think that's the wrong foot." He pointed at the wonky stiletto that her foot was crammed into.

"Oh shit." She began laughing hysterically again, almost falling as she reached down to pull the right shoe off of her left foot.

Once they were both steadily on their feet - well, as steadily as they could be - they made their way over to the bar where they filled a shot glass. "There's enough for more…" Sydney waved the jar in front of Jax's face.

"No." The VP backed away as he watched the satanic liquid slosh around in the jar.

"Awe Jaxy come on." She pouted. "I'll do one if you do one." She proposed with wide eyes.

The blonde man winced dramatically as he looked away, wearily looking back at her, unable to keep the smile off of his face when she beamed at him hopefully.

"You always get what you want?" He raised a brow in question before giving in, sighing as he grabbed two more shot glasses.

"Pretty much." She grinned, grabbing Bobby's shot and waltzing over to where he sat with sweat beading on his forehead.

"I should've gone home with my wife." Bobby groaned, staring with his beady eyes at the offending liquid that he knew was sure to end his night.

"Shoulda coulda woulda." Sydney shoved the shot into his hand. "Bottoms up!"

"You aint gettin no patch vote from me." The older man shook his head as he squeezed his eyes shut and poured the potent juice down his throat, forcing himself to swallow as everyone cheered around him before he got up and beelined to the bathroom.

Sydney and Jax watched Bobby fall through the bathroom door, laughing for a few more minutes until they finally calmed down enough to head back to the bar and face their own fate. When they reached the bar however, they saw that their shot glasses were gone. Sydney looked around with a creased forehead until she felt Jax grab her arm.

"You're gonna wanna watch this." He had a sly smirk on his face as he stared across the room.

She followed his gaze to where he saw Chibs standing with Cheryl, holding the two shot glasses... "No fucking way." Sydney shook her head with an overly excited grin, there was no way that something this perfect could've happened without her assistance.

The blondes watched in anticipation as the pair tipped their shots back, howling as soon as their faces twisted and they spit the heinous concoction onto the floor, gasping for air as their eyes widened and their faces reddened.

Jax dove down behind the bar for cover, dragging Sydney down with him who was happy to toss Cheryl a wink before she disappeared behind the wooden barrier.

"Ugh, I knew you were a pussy." Sydney joked, playfully shoving the VP as she tried to get to her feet but couldn't, landing flat on her ass next to him and laughing until she decided to just stay on the floor.

"Here." He laughed, extending his arm so that she could lean against him whilst he snagged a bottle of tequila and unscrewed it for her while she leant back against the cool leather of his kutte, hoisting her feet up onto the shelf below the bar and tipping the bottle back.

Jax smoked multiple cigarettes between sips of tequila as he sat on the floor with her warmth comforting him. He came to a few hours later, realizing that his state of alcohol fueled dissociation had actually nodded him off. He blinked a few times as he tried to focus his eyes, noting that the music had stopped and the clubhouse had cleared out. He felt the heaviness in his eyes, knowing he was still drunk and wanting nothing more than to stay right where he was, but knowing that his body would curse him in the morning if he slept on the bar floor. He used all of his strength to ease himself off of the floor carefully, not wanting to rattle Sydney who had passed out over his arm with the empty bottle in her hand.

"Hey." He leaned down and brushed her hair out of her face before lifting her off of the ground, but he soon realized that Sydney drunk and Sydney unconscious weren't much different from one another. She blinked a few times as she tried to understand that she was now awake and had to stand, trying to plant her feet on the ground before finally looking down to see them dangling from the bartop she'd been placed on.

"Oh." She snorted, trying to focus her rolling eyes.

Jax chuckled, he was at least able to feel his own feet as he stood unsteadily in front of her, holding her upright. "What d'you wanna do?" He looked around the room awkwardly, knowing that he couldn't drive her home but that he didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone and unconscious.

"Tired." Was all she could get out as her head rolled back before he caught her, holding her against his chest.

"Where do you suggest I take you?" He looked down at her with a raised brow.

"You're comfy." She looked up at him through her eyelashes as her chin rested against his collarbone. He chuckled again when even on the verge of passing out in his arms, she was still able to muster up enough capacity to flirt. "Bed." She closed her eyes and went limp against him.

Sydney lifted her head slightly from the crook of his neck after realizing that she was being carried, blinking through his long hair and seeing where he was taking her. "Not here." Panic filled her previously numb body as she pleaded with desperate eyes.

Jax cursed himself for not using his head - no matter how foggy it was - after working so hard to keep her occupied for the night. He nodded as he closed the door to Tig's room and made his way to Happy's old room instead, hoping she was too drunk to think about what had just happened and that she would just fall back asleep.

Sydney felt herself being placed on the foot of a bed, blinking lazily and looking up to see her arms wrapped around Jax while he tried to pull away. The situation was one all too familiar. The last time she found herself in a position like this, it was after Bobby's wedding; Bobby's wedding with Tig. No. She couldn't have those memories. Not now, not when she was about to be left alone in the dark.

Jax looked down to see her staring at him with those pained, glossy green eyes and rosy cheeks. He'd never questioned why Tig had fallen for her, but he questioned how Tig could've ever left her - maybe the Sergeant had more willpower against pussy than he thought.

He tensed when her stare didn't let up, becoming hyper-aware of her gentle touch holding him against her. His lazy eyes trailed down to her lips as she tilted her head back. He tried to fight the instinctual reaction that his compromised body was succumbing to easily, trying to use logic and reason but he didn't have the strength. He was drunk, exhausted, and lonely. He briefly thought about Tara, but then he thought about how she'd used him; played him to get what she wanted the same way she'd done when they were kids. The anger mixed with the alcohol nudged him further and further over the line, not thinking about anything other than what was right in front of him as he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers.

They stayed in the position for a few seconds, swaying nervously as they both half-heartedly contemplated the predicament - a predicament neither of them would have ever anticipated. He brushed his nose across her cheek as he gently inched closer to her lips, gauging her reaction before he decided to go for it.

Sydney's entire body tensed when he finally kissed her. The kiss was tentative, but gentle and sweet nonetheless - nothing like the way that Tig kissed her. She squeezed her eyes shut, hating how repulsed she was by something that any girl in Charming would have killed for. She could barely feel her own heartbeat in her intoxicated state and yet, somehow, she still felt every drop of discomfort.

He pulled away when he felt her tense up, knowing he'd gone too far. He had known that it was a mistake before it even started, a mistake that never would've happened if the stars hadn't perfectly aligned. He felt horrible for unintentionally taking advantage of her fragile state, but his spiralling guilt was stopped when she gripped his shoulder to regain his attention.

"Don't stop." She whispered while shaking her head, avoiding his eyes that she knew would be full of pity. "Please." Her voice cracked. Everything about this felt wrong, but thinking about Tig felt worse.

He nodded, understanding the pain in her plea all too well. He closed his eyes before pressing his lips back to hers. He knew it was selfish, but she needed to forget - and so did he.

For the Jax hoes… You're welcome. For the Tig hoes… I'm sorry. For the Happy hoes… Stay tuned.

Songs for this chapter:

Backin' It Up - Pardison Fontaine ft. Cardi B

Money - Cardi B

Puke - Eminem

fake smile - Ariana Grande

Let Me Love You - Ariana Grande ft. Lil Wayne

2 - H.E.R.

Eyes Closed - Halsey