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General trigger warnings for this story: Language, smut, mentions of rape, abuse, drug use/overdose, violence/death.

CHAPTER 50: FROM ROSE, TO RED

Tig closed his eyes as he listened to everybody take in the news about Sydney catching the bullet for Clay. He was torn - half of him loved being able to call the fearless woman his, but the other half of him couldn't help but cringe as he heard the gasps and sighs as everybody realized how close to death she'd come.

Everybody looked between Happy, Clay, and Tig - sneaking a few glances at Jax who just looked down at his lap - shocked as the reality of the situation was setting in; she hadn't been caught in the crossfire, she'd risked her life to protect the club. They all nodded in support of both their saviour, and their President, clapping him and Tig on the shoulder as the chapel emptied out.

Jax lugged himself down the hallway, into his old dorm where he locked the door behind him, walking over to the closet and digging out the box of old burners where he'd buried his father's manuscript. He sat down in the arm chair, flipping it open to the page where he'd left off, praying to find some solace in his father's guidance.

I never made a conscious decision to have the club become one thing or another. It just happened before my eyes. Each savage event was a catalyst for the next, and by the time the violence reached epic proportion, I couldn't see it, blood was every colour.

He slammed the book shut. The exact same darkness that had taken over his dad, was taking over him - and he didn't know how to feel about it.

He shoved the worn leather covered parchment back into the bottom of the box and left the room, looking around the bar as he entered, feeling the cold sweats coming on under the dark cloud that shadowed him. He watched as everybody dismally returned to their posts; preparing food, standing guard, or stockpiling weapons. He needed to get it together, and he knew that there was only one way to do that - with clarity.

"Where you goin?" Gemma called after him.

"Need to get some stuff from my house." He lied.

She looked him over with the same concern as earlier, knowing that he was going to see her. "You don't ride alone." She ordered.

"I'll go with him." Opie offered. He could tell that something was bothering his best friend, and he knew it would be better for everybody if he was able to work it out sooner rather than later.

"Okay." Gemma nodded hesitantly, watching them walk out the door.

"It's okay Gem… It's all good." Tig nodded, patting her arm comfortingly.

"I've been calling you!" Jax and Opie looked up when they heard the squeaky voice across the lot.

"Ah shit…" Opie groaned when he saw Donna jumping out of the truck and stomping towards him.

"What the hell is going on, Ope?" She demanded when she reached him.

"Something came up. Clay needed me."

"The mill called. McCain said that if you're not there to pick up the second shift, your ass is canned-"

"I'll deal with it." He cut her off.

"Deal with it how? You're not there, you're out of work." She scoffed.

Opie looked around the compound discreetly, making sure that there were no guns visible to blow his cover. "We got something going here Donna…"

She chuckled humorlessly, shaking her head. "You lying piece of shit. Your promises were just smoke, weren't they?" Tears of anger came to her eyes.

"No." Opie lowered his voice and shook his head, he didn't want to have this conversation right now - in front of Jax nonetheless. "I never lied to you. I said I'd find a way to earn straight."

"They're gonna fire you!" She pushed against his chest as he tried to get closer to her. "The club's more important than taking care of me and the kids?"

"No, it's more important than spitting sawdust ten hours a day. I'll figure it out." He spoke with finality.

"I'm not gonna live this way anymore." She choked out. "I'm done with this shit." She turned away, listening for him to call after her, tell her that it was a misunderstanding and that she was overreacting, but he didn't. She'd been right all along.

Jax watched the situation unfold, feeling his heart sinking in his chest. He knew that in just a few short minutes, he would be having the same conversation with Tara. "Look man, I'm fine… You should go after her." He watched the old truck peeling out of the lot.

"I can't keep doing this. I can't get ahead without the club." Opie shook his head. "I need back in - guns, protection runs, all of it."

"But you still gotta talk to Donna. You got-" Jax couldn't think about the possibility of Opie being forced to conform to the heinous lifestyle the same way that he had just been.

"I'm done talking." He stared hard at the blue eyed man. "I want back in, Jax." This wasn't an on the fly decision, this was the sign he'd been looking for to finally make the leap of faith back into the only life that he knew.

Gemma stood in front of Clay, tapping her foot anxiously as he loaded an AK-47. She thought that after finding Jax her worries would have faded, but they hadn't. Her head snapped up when she heard the buzzing of the back doorbell, looking up to see Unser staring back at her on the surveillance screen above Clay's head.

Clay turned around, looking at the Chief with a chuckle. "Let him in." He nodded to Juice who took off down the hallway, returning a few seconds later with Unser in tow. "What could I do for you, Chief?" He asked as he snapped in the magazine.

"I came with a status update. Was hoping that maybe, you could do the same." It was evident by his sarcastic tone that the older man was not happy with the events that had transpired.

"What happened?" Gemma asked from behind him, looking over his shoulder.

Unser looked at his lifelong friend, shifting awkwardly back to her husband. "Someone went after Darby last night. Killed one of his guys and two women, at his house, in Charming. Seems a little strange seeing that your girl comes up wounded in a 'driveby' that nobody else witnessed." Tig's ears perked up when Sydney was mentioned, walking over to listen better.

Clay looked away from Unser's condescending gaze, not able to take any more guilt at the moment. "You think it was us?" Gemma surmised as she walked over to Clay and draped her arms over his shoulders protectively, as if she could shield him from Unser's accusations.

"Well, after I found two dead Mayans in a ditch off of 18 - yeah, I kind of came to that conclusion."

"I made sure that didn't land in Charming." The white haired man still wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Barely! Clay… This doesn't work if you don't give me time to make it work. Hale's on his way to question her at the hospital." He shook his head. "Five D.B.'s... You know what kind of heat this brings? That haughty bitch is going to come circling back! I don't know what you want me to say."

"The bullet in her leg was meant for my head! I did what I had to do!" Clay lost his temper as the pile of shit kept getting higher and higher, throwing the gun down to the ground.

"It was the Mayans, they went after us too, man." Tig stepped in.

Clay took a deep breath, calming himself before he said anything that could actually get him into trouble. "We didn't have nothin to do with Darby, and the Mexicans? That was the result of their own stupidity. They must've gone after Darby too."

"God dammit…" Unser shook his head, running through the best way to keep himself, and SAMCRO off of A.T.F.'s radar once again. "Okay. I need you to come with me, answer some questions - due process… We make this look routine, you're the victim of an attack."

"I got nothin to hide." Clay shrugged.

Happy stomped up the steps to Maya's house. He needed a quiet place to sleep because right now, his anger was too loud. He was thankful for his Nomad status - meaning that he could come and go from the clubhouse without being grilled about where he was going during a lockdown, and why.

Maya rolled her eyes when she heard the incessant rapping on her front door. She took her time, finally making it to the front of the house where she pulled the front door open, but didn't bother with the screen door as she stared up at him expectantly.

"Can I come in?"

"I don't know. Are you going to storm out in a few hours?"

"It's my job." It seemed to Happy that his fun little 'no strings attached' booty call was starting to run it's course.

"You mean she is your job?"

"She's my family." If Maya had been referring to anybody else, this definitely would've been Happy's sign that this relationship had run it's course, but he felt the anger bubbling higher in his chest as she stood in front of him with her arms crossed, disrespecting Sydney when she had no idea what had happened.

"Don't lie to me." She scoffed.

"I aint lying."

"Then fucking tell me Hap, because I don't appreciate being left in the middle of the night with no explanation."

Happy sighed. He didn't do this - these kinds of talks with women. But he liked Maya, she didn't ask questions and she took his cock like no one ever had before. She'd only become interested in his club life since Sydney had come up, and maybe if he threw her a bone - she would keep taking his.

"Okay." He nodded, pulling the screen door open and stepping inside.

Maya sat on the opposite side of the couch while Happy explained the situation - albeit briefly, but enough for her to understand what the true dynamic was. She felt silly for letting her jealousy take over when it had ended up being so unwarranted, leaving her wondering if maybe she felt a little more for her late night companion than she'd previously thought.

She wasn't oblivious. She knew what their relationship was - who he was, and she knew that meant that he was still sleeping with other women when he wasn't with her, that was something she'd accepted, but apparently that acceptance didn't go as far as she would've liked if she was going to be involved with a biker.

"What have I done to deserve a visit from Charming's finest?" Sydney grinned as Hale entered her hospital room with a friendly smile.

"A shot to the leg will put you pretty high on that list…" He chuckled bashfully, closing the door behind him.

"I'll have to remember that." She smirked as he sat down in the chair beside her bed.

"How you feeling?" He couldn't tell if she was actually feeling chipper, or if the flirting was just a consistent facade.

"Better now that I got myself some good company." She cocked a brow.

"I'm sure that's hard to come by, for you." He snipped bitterly, looking down at the clipboard in his hands. "Can you tell me what happened last night?"

Sydney ran through the rehearsed story about how she'd been working at the clubhouse and had gone out for a smoke, hearing the screeching of tires before she looked up to see an old vehicle pulling up with two men inside and the next thing she knew, she was on the ground.

Hale winced, feeling his chest tightening with anger - anger over the fact that the pretty little blonde was laid up in a hospital bed because of them. He set the clipboard down with a clenched jaw, searching her face for any anger or regret, but all he saw was softness - a softness that she wasn't supposed to be feeling.

"Sydney." He sighed, lowering his voice to something sincere and sympathetic. "If there's anything you're not telling me… Because of them, I-"

"I'm telling you the truth." She cut him off, looking into his eyes with sincerity.

"Do you see what happens when you associate with these guys?" He shook his head incredulously. "You only got hurt this time. Next time, you won't be so lucky." He looked to the ground, inhaling sharply. "I've seen what these men do… What happens to the women that are with them…"

"Don't kid yourself Davey." He flinched when he felt her hand sliding into his gently. "You know who I am." Her sweet voice hovered just above a whisper as she spoke the cryptic words softly into the tense atmosphere. "That's why you buried those tickets." Hale's head snapped up at the accusation. There was no way that she could've figured it out, could she?

The look on her face told him that she could. He ripped his hand from hers and stood from the chair, his jaw setting harshly and his blue eyes deepening with anger. "I was doing my job." He growled as he grit his teeth. He had still been riled up after the encounter with Darby this morning that had earned him a punch to the face, and this was not helping his temper. He was angry at himself for forgetting who she was, angry at her for making it so easy for him to forget, angry at Unser for tainting the town's law enforcement, but as usual, he was angry at SAMCRO for finding a way to sink their claws into every single crevasse.

"If you can't beat em, join em, right?" She flashed a cocky grin.

"I am not joining anybody!" He crouched slightly, lowering his voice. "I have five months until I make Chief. And when I do, there will be no more corruption, no more violence, and no more SAMCRO. I will beat you, and when I do - it will be the right way." He sneered darkly.

Sydney sat up, tilting her head up towards where he was standing only inches from her face. "Game on." She whispered seductively with a devious smirk, sending him storming out of the room where he slammed the door behind him.

"She can have visitors." He snarled to the admin on his way out of the unit.

Jax sauntered into with his hands stuffed in his pockets, looking at the ground as he chewed his lip and made his way into the neonatal unit where he knew he would find Tara since she hadn't been at her house. He glanced into a few open rooms on his way through the quiet corridor, his brain ticking with recognition when he spotted her standing over Abel.

"How's he doing?" He approached softly with a small smile.

"Good." She smiled genuinely for the first time since the incident, looking down at the innocent little boy. "He's a strong-willed little guy."

"I thought you were gonna take a personal day?" He looked over her, it was obvious that she was exhausted by the dark circles around her eyes.

The doctor sighed, closing her eyes and hanging her head as she took a deep breath. "I tried to." She looked back up, trying to push away the fresh memory of what had transpired only hours before. "I had to get out of there, you know? It's fine - it's a light day."

"You okay?" Jax knew by the change in her tone that she wasn't, but he didn't know what else to say.

"I don't know." She shook her head in bewilderment, turning and walking away slowly. "Wha-" She cleared her throat as she leant against the doorframe. "What'd you do… W-with him?"

"It's done." He shook his head as he walked over to her, knowing that the gory details would do nothing for her conscience if she couldn't even be in the house where it'd happened.

"What do we do?" She asked shakily, the anxiety flooding over her.

He hadn't really had time to think about it in the heat of the moment the night before, but now all he could hear was the sound of Sydney's voice telling him about the wrong ideas that Tara had in her head. He supposed that maybe they both had some wrong ideas, and he needed to get them out on the table so that he could move forward.

"When Kohn showed up in Charming, he knew that this could only end either one of two ways - him dead, or you dead. It ended the right way." He nodded sincerely.

"Maybe I came back here knowing the same thing… And this was the only place I felt safe." She whispered as tears stung her eyes which were glued to his boots.

"It was survival."

"Did Sydney tell you that I came back here because I wanted you to kill him?" She practically cut him off when he tried to justify what she'd done. It's not that she wanted him to think that Sydney had been right, but every single voice in her head was telling her what a bad person she was. How could she let him sit here and try to tell her that she wasn't?

"No." Jax scowled, his anger taking over his confusion as his chest started heaving at her accusation. "And I've never killed anyone like that before, Tara."

Tara's heart sank when she realized what a mess she'd created - not just in her head, but with both Sydney and Jax. "I'm sorry…" She looked at him longingly as he began to break down, maybe he really was a different guy after all...

"I've been wakin up every morning since he was born with a sick feeling - wondering who was gonna die today." He looked over at his son. "And it scares the shit outta me… And then I woke up this morning and it was gone. I think that scares me more." He felt his throat tightening as he came to terms with the fact that this was his life now. It was inevitable, he'd known that for years, and he was finally ready to accept it.

"Hey." Tara picked up his fallen face, bringing his tortured blue eyes to meet hers. "You're in shock."

"I don't think anything could shock me anymore." He scoffed, pulling away from her tender touch - the touch that a killer didn't deserve.

"What do you want me to do? How can I help you?"

"Just don't go anywhere."

"I'm not." Now that she knew the truth, the last thing she was thinking of doing was running.

As soon as Tig was no longer needed at the clubhouse, he raced back to the hospital with Gemma hot on his heels - insisting on being Sydney's first real visitor.

The dark haired pair waltzed into the hospital, making a beeline straight through the doors to the ICU. "Uh…" Tig slowed his pace as they approached her room, seeing that the door was closed and the shade was drawn. " I'm gonna go make sure she's okay."

"Okay." Gemma nodded, feeling a bittersweet clench in her heart as Tig showed so much care for the brave young woman - she just wished that it was under better circumstances.

Sydney's eyes fluttered when she heard the door creaking open, smiling sleepily when they landed on Tig. "Hi baby." She mumbled as he slipped through the crack, sitting up from where she'd been laying.

"Hey sweetheart." He smiled, kissing her on the cheek as he sat himself on the edge of the bed. "You napping?"

"Mmm, yeah." She sucked in a deep breath as she stretched with her arms above her head - taking advantage of the only mobility that she really had. "Did you find Jax for them?" She looked at him expectantly.

"Yeah." He nodded with a grin which quickly faded as he remembered where he'd found Jax. "At Tara's… For the whole night - turned his phone off." He shook his head with his lip turned up in disgrace.

"What the fuck?" She recoiled, instantly getting worked up at the audacity of the VP to skip out on the club in such a time of need. "Are you fucking kidding me? After Clay almost gets killed?"

"Don't worry about that right now, babe." Tig took her hand and brought it to his lips. "We're not making any moves until you get back, you can deal with it then." He smirked, hoping the proposal of giving Jax a hearty piece of her mind would be enough to calm the bear that he had so stupidly poked.

"Is… Is that smart?" She asked tentatively - knowing how important it was that they took care of this problem before it extended further than a wounded associate.

"Clay's got it all figured out." He nodded reassuringly.

"Okay." She responded weakly as she looked at the white blanket covering her, not feeling confident that this was the best move.

"Sydney…" He regained her attention. "What you did? That means something. Not just to Clay, to everyone. You're more a part of this than anyone else." His thumb stroked over her hand as he spoke candidly, his awe taking over. "We want you there, making these decisions with us, you've earned it."

"Okay." She responded easier this time, a genuine smile coming to her face. If taking a bullet was what it took to earn some respect - and Tig's trust - she would've done it weeks ago. "Does Packer know?" She asked regretfully, knowing the overreaction that would come from the San Bernardino charter.

"Yeah…" Tig winced, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Clay had to tell him - part of the plan with the Mayans. They'll be here soon." Sydney felt herself starting to panic. They… Packer was one thing, but all of SAMDINO?

"I don't want to see them." She snapped quickly.

"What?" Tig scowled. "Baby… They're your family?"

"Happy is my family." She shook her head. "I'll see them when I'm out."

Tig opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by the look of vulnerability in her eyes - silently begging him to respect her wishes without making her elaborate. His face fell and his heart sank when he realized what was going on - recounting the story from her attack by BTT when she was younger.

"Okay." He nodded.

"Thank you." She pulled him into her arms gratefully, resting her head against the cold leather covering his shoulder as she gripped his hand tightly.

He nodded slowly in response, kissing her temple. "How was Hale?"

"Pissed." She scoffed, laying back. "But we expected that. He asked his questions and cleared me for visitors." She shrugged.

"Uh… Speaking of visitors." He grimaced, looking at the door that he knew Gemma was anxiously waiting behind. "Gemma's waiting outside… She's been… Tense. Wants to see you…" He floated the idea cautiously.

"That's okay." She chuckled. "I'm fine with the guys… Just not-" She looked away awkwardly, not wanting to have to say it.

"I'm all over it, babe." Tig assured her with a playful smile. "I'll be your security guard." He winked, leaning into her lips.

"Mmm, I told you hired muscle was all the rage." She joked back with a grin, kissing him deeply and grabbing onto his neck, finally pulling away and resting her forehead against his. "I love you."

"I love you too." He smiled, kissing her again briefly.

Gemma stood outside the door, tapping her foot impatiently before she couldn't take it anymore, whirling around and stalking towards the admin desk when she was stopped by a glimpse of blonde hair through the window of the unit door.

"Hey!"

Jax sighed as he slowed his pace, he knew that voice anywhere, and if there was one person that he didn't want to see right now… "Hey." He forced a smile as he turned to face his mother. "Just needed to see Abel."

Gemma spotted Tara down the hall before she could duck into the closest room. "Uh-huh." She nodded, unconvinced. "You gonna come see Sydney?"

"Maybe later." Jax shook his head. He could only take facing one reality at a time.

"Okay." Gemma's suspicious tone did nothing to calm his nerves as she kissed him on the cheek and bid him goodbye.

"You find anything to eat around this joint?" Tig looked around with a raised brow.

"Slim pickings." Sydney sighed, realizing just how hungry she was once food was mentioned.

"I'll go get you something. Let you girls have some alone time." He winked, getting up and opening the door, which Gemma pushed open immediately.

"Jesus." He groaned, catching his balance as he looked to the matriarch for an apology, but she was already busy smothering Sydney. He snickered, shaking his head and taking his leave with a smile.

"Thank god." Gemma cooed as she hugged Sydney, rocking her back and forth. "You know, when I said you watch my boys, I didn't mean literally." She pulled away, looking down on her with that infamous stare.

"You'll have to put that in the fine print next time." She chortled with a smile.

Clay walked through the station house, all the way to Unser's office - a place that he knew well. He looked to his left when a commotion arose, seeing Darby being dragged to the holding cells by two men - smirking at his rival.

"I uh… I didn't see this coming." Clay shook his head as he sat down. "Us and the Mexicans… Has been kinda quiet."

"I'm not an idiot." Unser deadpanned. "I know that this 'tit for tat' has been going on for months - since they torched your warehouse."

"Yeah. But comin after me, and Darby? That's a new kind of boldness."

"Me and you…" The Chief took in a deep breath. "Whatever the hell this is - always had one thing that we played out together: keeping blood and greed away from our front door."

"Well, we've done that." Clay shrugged.

"Until now. And my fear is that, knowing the amount of pride stuffed into that kutte - it will not end here."

"Fine." Clay scoffed, getting up and waltzing over to the window where he pulled out a cigar.

"You take out that Mayan boss, and you will trip a wire that sends this town into the history books." Unser was right on his heels as he tried to brush it off. "The bad guys will leave the ghetto and bring their filthy game to Charming. And next time, it won't be a few of Darby's scumbags who go down - it'll be another one of your guys, or Floyd, or some kid or something!"

"Sydney's fine." He ignored the scolding as he flipped his lighter open.

"The deal always was: outlaws live in Charming, shit beyond the borders. You can't change the rules, or it all goes to hell." Clay finally looked up to see Hale lurking outside the door, trying to get an ear in on their conversation.

"And that, my old friend." Unser nodded out the door. "Is exactly what Captain America out there wants: hell to break out in Charming, followed by all of the things that put the devil in place." He shook his head, pulling out a joint and sparking it up while Clay puffed ignorantly on his cigar, looking back out the window to the sound of motorcycles. "What the hell is this?" He scanned over the foreign kuttes of the visiting riders.

"Little family reunion." The taller man shrugged.

"Holy shit…" He sighed with an eye roll. "Did you hear anything that I just-"

"Enough! Enough… Alright? I heard your plea, loud and clear." Clay exhaled sharply, making the final decision to set his plan into motion. "There's only one thing that's going to make this work."

Tara paced up and down the hallway outside of the ICU, trying to work up the courage to face Sydney after the horrible accusations that she had falsely made. She took a deep breath, shaking her head before she let her feet carry her to the doors, scanning her keycard and taking a tentative look around the unit.

"Hey, Maggie." Tara smiled at the dark haired girl behind the desk. "How's it going up here?" She knew that the young girl was still relatively new at the hospital, and that dealing with SAMCRO wasn't always the easiest of jobs.

"Good." She nodded, thankful that she'd seemingly learned how to navigate the notorious MC. "You looking for someone?"

"Uh… Yes. Sydney Harding."

"You know her?" Maggie was surprised - Tara carried herself like a prim and proper woman, relatively quiet and professional, keeping to herself - she didn't expect the doctor to be involved with the bikers.

"It's a long story." Tara chuckled. "I'll tell you about it one day."

"Room 102, on the left." The starry-eyed girl smiled with excitement at the prospect of being let in on the secret life of Tara Knowles.

Tara smiled, walking up the hall slowly, listening to the polished floor threatening to squeak under her white sneakers. She took deep breaths, trying to calm herself - realizing that perhaps today wasn't the best day to be doing this, but she needed to get it over with, she needed some kind of reconciliation with one of the things that had been causing her such turmoil.

She felt an unexpected calmness washing over her when Sydney came into view through the window; sat up in her bed with Tig in a chair next to her with her injured leg resting over his lap as he painted her toes.

"Baby… This looks awful." Tig shook his head with grimace as he looked over the sloppy paint job.

"No it doesn't!" She laughed, nudging him with her foot. "You're better at this than I thought." She wiggled her toes, trying to hold back her own smile as she too, looked over the subpar paint job. But she didn't care how it looked, it made her feel more like herself as she lay crippled in a hospital bed.

"And you're a better liar than I thought." He chuckled, kissing her on the cheek as he screwed the lid back onto the hot pink nail polish, looking up to see Sydney staring out the door - following her gaze to the dark haired doctor.

"Um." Tara approached awkwardly. "Hi." She smiled. "Sorry to interrupt…"

"It's all good, doc." Tig smiled, getting to his feet. "Ice cream?" He asked Sydney, sensing that this was a conversation that he wouldn't be privy to.

Sydney smiled with a nod, squeezing his hand before he took his leave, looking up at Tara with a more serious expression once he was out of view.

"He's sweet with you…" Tara commented in awe, taking the seat that Tig had been sitting in.

"Doesn't seem like he's capable of it, huh?" Sydney scoffed with a small smile, unsure how she was supposed to act as Tara spoke like a friend after she'd treated her like an enemy.

"Definitely not." She shook her head, watching her bouncing knee as she tried to find the right words.

"I didn't tell him, and I didn't do any of her dirty work." Sydney blurted out, the silence was almost as agonizing as the awkward small talk.

"I know." Tara sighed. "Jax told me after..." She let the memory come back, allowing the tears to fill her eyes. "After Kohn showed up at my house last night."

"Oh my god." Sydney sat up straighter, forgetting about the bullshit as shock filled her already tainted veins. "What happened?"

"He hit me, tried to rape me…"

"Tara…" Sydney whispered, feeling her heart breaking in her chest for the helpless woman.

"I shot him, in the stomach." She choked out a sob.

"Holy shit!" Sydney couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What happened to him?"

"I couldn't do it again." She shook her head. "I called Jax, he took care of it - the right way."

"Good." Sydney nodded. "How are you with that?"

Tara looked at the white panelled ceiling, sucking in a deep breath. "You were right… About him needing to be dealt with. But I- I thought I would feel better but… I just feel sick." She whimpered. "Like I'm gonna get caught, like I'm not going to get caught, what's going to happen to me-" She broke down, burying her face into her hands.

"He was a threat. It was kill, or be killed." Sydney shook her head firmly.

"Is that what you do?" Tara scoffed in disbelief. "Make up your own moral code to feel better about this shit?"

"Pretty much." Sydney smiled sarcastically.

"Doesn't it scare you?" The older woman had never been able to wrap her mind around the life, even more so now that she was getting deeper into it. "What you're capable of? Or getting caught, or getting killed?

"I'm not scared of any of that." She answered easily.

"How? I mean… Some of it has to scare you. You were just shot for christ's sake!"

"Telling Tig that I loved him was the scariest thing that I've ever done." Sydney admitted with a sad smile.

"How the hell is that scarier than a murder charge?" Tara was beginning to think that maybe she should've waited to talk to Sydney, she was clearly talking out of her ass while high on morphine - there was no way that such a young girl actually felt this way.

"Because I could lose him at any second." Sydney explained with a heavy heart. "This life is fast and short, there's no growing old together and watching the sunset on a porch swing - what you see, is what you get. You don't know how long you have them for, but you have to do what you can to make the time that you do have, worth it - hang on and enjoy the ride, no matter how scary it may be." She stared deep into Tara's eyes. "Some people can't live like that - and that's okay. But don't get on the back of that bike if you're only going to make him stop and let you off halfway."

I'm trying to pad these boring ass technical chapters with fluffy Tiggy lol please bear with me :)))