aravenamongcrows on Tumblr (ask and submissions are open!)

General trigger warnings for this story: Language, smut, mentions of rape, abuse, drug use/overdose, violence/death.

CHAPTER 80: SUBMISSION

;

"Clay!" Jax yelled amongst the gunfire from where he was crouched behind an old car in the junkyard where they'd arranged to drop off the guns, peering over the rusted hood at the group of Niners that had called open season on both them and the Mayans. "Lay some down." He made the tough decision to contribute in the war that they had been actively trying to prevent - but he knew that it was the only way to prove to Alvarez that this hadn't been a set up, and he would rather be at war with one gang instead of two.

He bolted across the clearing once Clay started firing, dodging a few stray bullets as he ducked behind the van where he rounded the side and made it into the driver's seat, slamming his foot to the floor and bringing the van swinging back where Clay could jump in safely before taking off - crashing through a pile of tires before busting out of the side fence and speeding back home.

;

Unser paced back and forth through the station house in search of his Deputy. He knew that Hale had to be here somewhere because his wagon was in the parking lot - but the younger man was nowhere to be found. He finally made his way to the cells in the back, sure that he would come up empty handed but it was the last place that he had to look before calling for a search party.

Hale sat on the hard bed of one of the holding cells, bouncing his knee while he sipped the awful cup of black coffee that he'd grabbed from the kitchen on his way to solitude - wishing that he'd had the energy to stop at the diner after dropping Sydney off.

"I've been looking all over for you." He looked up to see Unser standing over him with a scowl. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

"It's the only place that I can think without ATF buzzing around." He didn't bother straightening up or maintaining eye contact with the older man - remaining hunched over as he forced down another sip of the stale drink.

"I can relate." Unser scoffed. "Somethin on your mind, son?"

"I got some information…" Hale began wearily. "And if I give it away, then I'm betraying my badge. But if I don't? Someone could get hurt…" He explained his internal conflict to the one man who he knew would understand.

Unser sighed as he took a seat next to the man who mirrored himself when he'd first started out on the force - a good cop who was quickly realizing that no good existed in this town. "That badge?" He nodded to his chest. "It aint even real silver." He chuckled.

Hale tried to force a chuckle but he couldn't - not with an innocent man's life on the line.

;

Tig laid on the cement floor of the warehouse with his heart pounding against his chest as he listened to the gun go off, waiting for his life to end after the Niner had snuck up on him. But a different sound followed the gunshot - the Niner dropping to the ground before him. He looked up with a scowl to see Opie standing above him with his gun pointed at the double-crossing gang member that he had just killed to save him.

"Shit. Thanks man." He gasped, racing to his feet as Opie peered around the corner, scoping out a safe pathway for them to escape the ambush.

His hands shook as he raised his gun when the exact opportunity that Clay had wanted presented itself: to kill the rat at their table with a bullet in the back of his head and blame it on the rival gang - the rival gang that had inadvertently put themselves in an even more perfect position to take the blame - but as his life flashed before his eyes, he couldn't make himself pull the trigger. Not when the rat at their table had just saved him from the same fate.

;

Tara walked down Sydney's hallway with her eyes wide as she gazed upon the beautifully decorated home - never having been inside the young girl's house before. "Wow." She blinked a few times once they reached the kitchen where she set her bags on top of the marble island that sat in the middle of the spacious cooking area.

"Jesus, do I really look that low class?" Sydney asked incredulously as the second person stood in awe of the fact that she kept a half-decent residence. "Jax had the same reaction." She chuckled, grabbing the wine bottles from the fridge.

"When was Jax here?" Tara scowled as she began unloading the reusable cloth grocery bag that she'd brought full of fruits and cheeses from The Charming Grocer.

Sydney felt her entire body tense up when she realized what she'd done - opening a door that she'd intended to keep padlocked forever. "When I was trying to get him to do something about Kohn without the club finding out." She used the only excuse that she knew wouldn't produce any further questions. She had finally forgotten about the mistake that she'd made with Jax and she had a mind full of things that still needed forgetting - not remembering.

"Oh." Tara nodded, brushing off the awkward and unwanted reminder as she pulled the last thing from the bottom of the bag. "I thought we could watch this…" She handed Sydney the DVD that she'd picked up from the checkout line on her way over.

Sydney gasped as her eyes widened, squealing as she reached for the hard copy of the newest season of The Bachelorette that she hadn't known had been released yet. "You thought right." She bounced up and down excitedly.

"I figured Tig wasn't much of a reality TV fan." Tara chuckled.

"He draws the line at Real Housewives." Sydney chortled before she felt her body tense up once again. Tig may not have been willing to go as far as sitting through The Bachelorette with her - but Happy always had been. She took a deep breath as the pain in her heart got stronger, reminding her of yet another thing that she so desperately wanted to forget - turning on her heels and ripping open the liquor cabinet where she swiped a shot glass and twisted the cap off of a bottle of Jagermeister.

"Jesus." Tara laughed as she watched her down a shot. "We drinking to something?" She raised a brow as she reached for the now empty glass and tentatively poured her own shot, plugging her nose before tipping it back.

Sydney laughed now, feeling the much needed reassurance in her decision to invite the quiet woman over for the evening as she found immediate entertainment in the way that she made the effort to mimic her actions despite their completely different personalities.

"More like for something." Sydney scoffed, taking the shot glass from her pale hand and refilling it.

"What?" Tara's forehead creased in confusion as she watched Sydney swallow the potent liquid with ease.

"Nothing." Sydney shook her head. "Long week."

"Yeah, tell me about it." Tara chuckled humorlessly before reaching back for the bottle.

;

"Was this a mistake, or was this Laroy sending a message?" Opie pondered aloud as they regrouped at a picnic table on the compound while dusk started to set in after barely making it back to the clubhouse in one piece.

"I don't know." Clay tried to shrug it off, he knew exactly what it was.

"This could be the worst-case scenario." Jax sighed. "Niners want us dead, Mayans won't trust us. We lose our customer base, gain two huge beefs."

"Broke with no guns." Opie mused.

"We knew this was a risk." Clay snapped, putting on the best display of frustration that he could as an even more perfect opportunity to eliminate their internal threat arose. "We'll figure it out, like we always do."

"Yup." Jax nodded, clearly unconvinced as he made his way into the clubhouse and to his old dorm where he laid back on the hard bed, staring at the box in the top of the closet that held the manuscript that he was telling himself not to read - knowing that it wouldn't silence any of the doubts or worries that he was having, it would only fuel them.

"Gotta get home to Donna." Opie nodded to Clay and Tig before heading towards his truck where he hoped to get home before the kids had gone to bed for the night.

"What the hell was that, man?" Tig shook his head incredulously once Opie was out of earshot.

"It looks like the angry black man was even angrier than we thought, huh?" Clay mused as he sat back against the table and lit a cigar. "Laroy definitely double-crossed us… What about Ope?" He raised a brow, having surely expected the Marines veteran to have seen the ambush as the perfect scapegoat.

Tig propped his foot up on the seat of the wooden table, squinting as he hunched over his knee, debating whether or not he should tell the truth. "Nah, I couldn't-" He began, but as he watched his President's brow raise even higher, he knew that he couldn't give him another thing to worry about; another person who couldn't do their job - especially his Sergeant. "Couldn't get a clear shot." He explained, looking away.

"Well." Clay cocked his head to the side. "If the Niners are that pissed, maybe they bring their rage to Charming… I mean, they saw Ope's truck at the money drop..." He shrugged, letting Tig on to his new plan; a plan that was even more secure than the first - a plan that he could pin on the rival gang without any possible suspicion.

Tig felt his heart quickening when he thought about being put in that position again… Choking again… No. He shook the haunting thought away; this was his chance to redeem himself - to properly do the job that he'd never had a problem doing before. "A drive-by?" He asked as he sat down - hoping that the close proximity to his President would serve to remind his subconscious of his role in this club.

"Tomorrow night… After the party." Clay nodded. "Make it ghetto, make it gangster."

"Alright." Tig nodded, only feeling his heart sink further once Clay got up and walked away. He felt his fingers closing around the gold heart around his neck in search of some comfort - something to ground him, but he got the opposite; the reminder that today he'd betrayed everybody… Clay, Sydney, and his club. He was no better than the man that he'd failed to kill.

;

"Oh shit!" Sydney rushed to her feet as her marshmallow caught fire over the red-hot coals of the iron table where she and Tara were sitting on her back patio. She blew on the flame until it finally fizzled out - leaving her with red cheeks, charred remains, and a trail of smoke drifting into the darkness as they laughed hysterically.

"Oh my god! You're going to eat that?" Tara exclaimed, still trying to catch her breath from the alcohol-fuelled laughing fit while Sydney peeled the blackened marshmallow off of her skewer and took a tentative bite.

"I've put worse things into my mouth." Sydney shrugged, giggling as she stumbled to the couch and fell back into her seat. "Ow!" She whined as she landed on her leg, laughing as she cradled her thigh while rocking back and forth.

"Jesus christ! Be careful." Tara tried to scold through her laughter.

"Hey! I told you no doctor duty tonight." Sydney chuckled as she poked her arm with her roasting stick, reaching over to the table for her wine glass and another marshmallow.

"I think that's gonna be a harder habit to break." Tara chuckled as she reached for her glass as well.

"Speaking of breaking habits…" Sydney raised a brow.

"We're getting there…" Tara expected the familiar warmth behind her belly button when Sydney mentioned Jax, but instead all she felt was a pit forming. "I know what I want." She nodded, saying it out loud for the first time. "But I don't know about him…" She shook her head, pulling her hoodie tighter around her as she thought back to the deflating conversation that they'd had earlier in the day.

"You ask him?" Sydney scowled, sure that this had to be another one of Tara's self-doubt flare ups with the way that she'd seen Jax pine after her in the last few weeks.

"Yeah." Tara scoffed bitterly. "Got a smug response about how Wendy was easier to be with." She drained her wine glass for what had to be the fifth time tonight

"Typical." Sydney scoffed back. "Men will beg for you like a dessert begs for water and the second that you give them a single drop, they drown." She shook her head in disgust, looking up to see Tara staring into the fire with a look that she recognized all too well.

"Well, if it makes you feel better…" Sydney began, rerouting the attention from the dreary subject. "In my experience? Jax doesn't know his ass from his face half the time." She gave a playful smile. "Don't take it personally… You're doing good." She nodded. "He will see that."

Tara laughed freely, grateful for the blonde woman's indifference towards the man who inhabited her conscience day and night because for once it provided her with an unbiased opinion - advice that wasn't laced with ulterior motives and that meant everything coming from a fellow old lady.

"Thank you…" She nodded sincerely, a smile coming to her face as she reflected on the enjoyable evening that they'd shared together over trashy reality TV, drinking games, and boyfriends. It wasn't her usual cup of tea - or glass of wine - but it had been carefree and fun, which was exactly what she'd needed.

"Anytime." Sydney smiled genuinely - truly meaning what she said. It wasn't everyday that she was able to find a girlfriend who could tolerate both her and the club.

"Seriously though, how's it feeling?" Tara nodded back to Sydney's leg - the only subject change that she could think of - knowing that the tipsy young woman before her definitely hadn't been keeping an eye on the muscle damage the way that she should've been.

"It gets better everyday." Sydney shrugged. "I think I'm just used to pain at this point." She chuckled humorlessly as she placed her marshmallow over the heat.

"You still taking painkillers?" Tara asked a few seconds before her brain caught up with her, realizing that she might've just stuck her foot in her mouth after the conversation that she'd had with Tig earlier in the week.

Sydney felt her body tense up when the question hit her ears - wishing that the casual tone in Tara's voice would've brought her some comfort, but it was just a bitter reminder of her why it would never be able to be a casual subject for her.

"Nah." She shook her head as her gaze became unfocused, zoning out while she swirled the wine around in the glass by the stem. "It's not worth it."

"Not worth what?" Tara wrinkled her brows.

"All the shit that comes with it." Sydney spit out the explanation, feeling the anger buzzing in her chest as she stewed more and more about the only awful thing that made her feel connected to her mother.

Tara nodded slowly, feeling the ignorant veil of intoxication beginning to fade as the conversation took a more serious turn. "Tig came to talk to me… About the pills." She admitted, watching Sydney nod slowly as she stared into the fire. "I didn't know that you hadn't told him about the muscle damage… I'm sorry." She told her sincerely, deciding that it was best to clear things up and close that door before it could get reopened in the future - something that she knew she needed to do to ease her conscience as it got heavier with the more that she committed to this life.

"No, don't be." Sydney blinked, snapping out of her haze and pulling her marshmallow off of the flame before it could burn. "It's probably for the best that he found out." She nodded sincerely.

"Sydney…" Tara worried the more that she talked, not getting any relief from her cryptic words. "If you need help…"

"It's not that." Sydney shook her head as she tried not to get upset - taking a deep breath as she realized that she would need to be a little more forthcoming if she wanted Tara to properly understand. "My mom was an addict. So were Tig's parents. Narcotics are a touchy subject in this house." She gave a sad smile.

"I-" Tara blinked a few times. "I'm sorry." She shook her head sadly, not at all having expected to hear the words that left Sydney's mouth. But the more that she thought about it, the less surprised she was - now understanding a great deal more about the odd pairing that she was starting to realize wasn't so odd at all. What she was surprised about was to find out that the wild lovers had boundaries at all.

Tara watched as Sydney zoned out again, feeling awful for bringing up such traumatic memories when they were supposed to be each other's escape for the night. "Well, what matters most is that this is almost behind you." She leaned forward and placed her empty glass on the table. "You can get back on the road, back to work, back to Tig." She chuckled bashfully, trying her hardest to step outside of her comfort zone and into Sydney's shoes in an attempt to bring the mood back after inadvertently extinguishing it. "You're over the hard part. There isn't much healing left."

"That was what I thought too before that pussy ass cop bounced my face off of the fucking floor." She scoffed. "If it wasn't for that then I wouldn't be sitting here with you while they're all out doing my job."

Tara cringed harshly when Sydney brought up what the cop had done to her, unearthing too many of her own memories of what had been done to her by a specific cop that she had just started being able to bury…

"I'm sorry." Sydney shook her head rapidly once she realized what she'd done - reaching for Tara's hands where she recoiled on impulse. "Shit." She pulled away. "I'm sorry… Again." She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the tipsy haze before she stupidly did something else.

Tara felt her heart pounding against her chest as tears came to her eyes, taking a deep breath as she reminded herself that she was safe and that nobody was trying to hurt her. "I don't know how you do that…" She shook her head enviously as she exhaled slowly while looking up into the night sky.

"Do what?"

"Be so comfortable with people… After what you've been through."

"Some people find power in being the ones to do the touching, some find power in deciding that they don't have to touch." Sydney shrugged.

"How did you?" Tara whispered shakily. Sydney made it sound so easy... But she felt like she would never be able to do it, even when all of the people who had ever taken it from her were dead.

"You wanna know?" Sydney's forehead creased.

Tara nodded tentatively, taking a deep breath as she prepared for the advice of a lifetime - the advice that she so desperately needed to help her settle into the role that would keep Jax in her life.

Sydney nodded slowly as she allowed herself to delve deep into the dark crevasses of her mind where she stored the horrendous flashbacks of her childhood. "Watching him beat her… Waiting for him to do the same to me..." She brought her glass up to her lips as she stared off into the distance, the alcohol bringing her explanation to the surface much easier than if she'd been trying to coax the vulnerable divulgence all on her own. "Feeling their hands on me." She felt the hate spreading through her chest and up her throat, pushing angry tears into the corners of her stinging eyes. "I decided that I would never let a man make me feel that way ever again." She shook them away, regaining eye contact. "And that's how I survive this life - why they let me do what I do in the club. Because the second that a man lays his hands on me, I don't black out - I see red. Nothing else. No hesitations, no second thoughts, nothing. Because I know that if I wait, I'll end up dead."

Tara shivered as Sydney's eerily calm voice penetrated the night air, taking in every word that she said. "So… How does that work with Tig then? The way that you guys… You know." She blinked as a blush of embarrassment came to her warm cheeks.

"You're such a prude." Sydney laughed, pushing Tara lightly - grateful for the return of some lightness in what had become a heavy heart-to-heart. "The thing about submission is that it only works if you're with the right person… If they've made you feel safe enough to let your guard down - to trust them enough to see you at your weakest; to let them into a position where they can hurt you." She explained slowly as her eyes fell into a squint while she put her feelings about Tig into words for the first time - learning just as much as Tara was as she explained the complicated dynamic that not many people understood.

"Tig has shown me that." She nodded as a fond smile came to her face. "That he respects me… He knows where my boundaries are and why I have them. He's made me feel safe enough to know that I can trust him to stop. And I guess I like that power." She shrugged casually. "Everybody thinks that submission is the opposite - that it's about giving up your power… Relinquishing all control and letting somebody use you... But they're wrong. Because when he fucks me, I feel more in control than I've ever felt... I know that everything happening is because I want it, because I've allowed it - that I can put a stop to it at any second. And that's a luxury that I never had before him."

Tara realized as she listened to Sydney's perfect explanation of the actions that she'd never been able to grasp that she wasn't surprised that the couple had boundaries after all - she was surprised that they had found a way to communicate them.

"You're lucky…" She nodded. "To have somebody in this life that you trust and trusts you in return. I'd kill for that kind of transparency with Jax." She admitted sadly, finally understanding what the key was to making a relationship work in this life - the one thing that would truly make her a good old lady… The one thing that she would never be able to have.

"Yeah." Sydney scoffed, remembering the entire reason why she had needed Tara here as a distraction in the first place. "Transparency…"

;

Another infamous Sydney monologue😍