aravenamongcrows on Tumblr! (ask and submissions are open!)

General trigger warnings for this story: Language, smut, mentions of rape, abuse, drug use/overdose, violence/death.

CHAPTER 82: BURDENED

;

Sydney moved around the kitchen as quietly as she could while making breakfast, selfishly hoping that if she let Tig get as much extra sleep as possible after the rough night then maybe, somehow, he would magically wake up without the guilt of what had taken place the day before.

She zoned out as she swirled butter around the hot pan, her mind wandering back to everything that he had told her just hours ago. The failed hit was both a blessing and a curse - giving her the chance that she had so desperately desired as a member to correct the mistake that she'd so stupidly made as an old lady by letting him go through with it, but terrifying her at the same time to have found out that for one reason or another; he hadn't been able to. It had been what she'd wanted, yes, but not like this - not at the cost of his sanity, which she now had to worry about on top of everything else. She knew that a threat this big wasn't something that could be swept under the rug after one failed attempt. One way or another Opie would meet Mr. Mayhem, the only question that mattered now was when - and it was the only question that she couldn't ask.

"Morning." She snapped out of her haze when she heard the grumbly voice behind her, blinking a few times as she yanked the pan off of the heat before the now sizzling butter could burn.

"Morning." She tried to sound as chipper as possible as she turned to see Tig pouring himself a cup of coffee while clearly trying to avoid eye contact. "Um." She cleared her throat, searching for something to fill the silence with - desperate to drown out the blaring reminder of the unspoken predicament that they were in. "Do you want tomatoes?" She nodded to the island that was covered in all of the other sandwich fixings that she'd cut and laid out before she made to begin frying the eggs.

"Whatever you're making is fine, babe." He did his best to keep the dreary tone from his voice, shaking his head as he made his way over to the table with his coffee - knowing that if he'd been left to his own devices, he would be facing the day with an empty stomach.

Sydney nodded as she turned back to the stove, the unsuccessful attempt only making her stomach sink further. She wished that he would've just been honest with her last night... Told her what had really happened so that she could help make sure that it didn't happen again. But she knew that the only way to do that was by pretending that nothing had happened at all. She knew Tig well enough by now to know that any attention she paid to this kind of slip-up would only fuel him to right that wrong even faster than he already felt the need to - and that was the one thing that she was trying to avoid.

"I missed this." She was pulled from the turmoil in her head yet again by his voice, looking up to see him standing in front of her with a lazy smile as he nodded to the kitchen that was in disarray as she tried to cook and problem solve at the same time.

Tig felt his forced expression fading much quicker than he'd anticipated after deciding that he needed to do something more to try and throw her off of the trail that she had sniffed out far too easily, blinking as he looked down and began fumbling with his wrinkled shirt - the first distraction that he could think of.

"Um, there's a free rack in the closet." She was glad for his obvious cover - what could've been an awkward moment helping to remind her that she'd cleared some space since he'd mentioned it during her frantic search over the past few days for something to busy her tormented mind. "If you wanted to hang some stuff…" She felt her face tingling with a bashful nervousness as she turned to avoid his eyes. Any other day she would've cringed at herself for the softness that she allowed herself to display - asking a man to move his things into her house - but under the circumstances, it was a welcome feeling.

"Oh yeah?" He smirked, the action coming a little easier this time as her reddening cheeks cracked her tough facade - a familiarly endearing sight that he had missed being able to witness over the heavy few weeks that their still budding relationship had endured. "Finally made some room for me?" He raised a brow as he wrapped his arm around her waist, bringing her into him as she giggled.

"I threw some old things away." She mused with a giddy smile as the butterflies swarmed behind her belly button, leaning up to peck his lips where she tried to hold onto the usually uncomfortable feeling for as long as possible.

;

Tara stood outside of Abel's hospital room with her heart pounding so hard against her chest that she swore she could hear it through the stethoscope that was around her neck. She reached for the door handle with her trembling fingers, slowly pulling it open to reveal Jax holding a pen to the stack of release papers against the wall for support.

"Here." She chuckled, handing him her clipboard - grateful for the much needed icebreaker after this morning.

"Thanks." He chuckled back, returning to the forms that in a few hours would allow him to finally bring his son home - something that among the chaos, he was choosing to wholeheartedly be happy about. "I think that's all of them." He handed back the clipboard, turning his attention back to his son - the happily cooing baby putting a smile on his face. He could feel Tara's eyes on him like he had the other day, like he had this morning - but this time they didn't feel threatening or needy, they felt comforting, safe, assuring. He realized in that moment that she was the answer to the nagging question of how he was supposed to become a full-time dad. The answer was that he wasn't. He was supposed to raise his son with her, as he had always wanted to do.

He gave Abel one last smile, tickling his tiny foot before he stepped away, taking a deep breath as he rubbed the bridge of his nose before turning back towards her where he knew she was waiting for answers. "That shit was crazy, Tara." He sighed. "That 'I gotta be with you every second or I'm gonna kill myself' type of crazy." He smiled nostalgically, knowing that she remembered the acute feeling just as well as he did.

Tara felt a small smile of embarrassment coming to her face as she nodded slowly, coming to terms with the fact that at the end of the day, she was the one who had ended their relationship in the past - so now she had to be patient with the way that he chose to come back to her.

"Look." He stepped towards her. "The way I feel about you hasn't changed… I can still go there." He admitted. "But this can't be that." He felt even more relief as she nodded her agreement - mutually understanding that the way they had loved each other as teenagers was not the way that they could love each other as adults. "So we gotta figure out how to do it right. But I'm not trying to avoid this - what we have." He told her sincerely, knowing that it was her biggest worry. "I just need a minute to figure out how to do it."

Tara felt a satisfied smile forming on her face as she listened to his explanation, realizing that they were on the same page after all. They both wanted the same thing, knew how they'd tried to get there in the past hadn't worked, and had no idea how to get there now. All she cared about was that he wanted to get there as much as she did, and together they would find a way.

"Okay." She nodded slowly as her smile spread into a grin. "You can have a minute."

;

Wendy waltzed down the hallway of as she made her way to the pediatric wing to see her son - a foreign activity that brought a smile to her face just thinking about it. This was something that she could get used to… Especially if it would stop her from thinking about getting high. Getting high… No. She shook the thought away, feeling her skin beginning to crawl as she forced herself to revert back to the happy image of her baby, her family - the happy image that would never be a reality if she let her demons win.

But she didn't have to. The image had already been shattered as she rounded the corner to see Jax and Tara in a heated embrace as they stood over Abel. She stopped dead in her tracks, feeling the knives twisting in both her heart and her back as tears sprang to her eyes.

She felt her throat closing up, turning away hurriedly before they could see her - she'd had enough humiliation as it was, she couldn't handle the humiliation that would come from Tara getting to see her like this after she pretended to care about her for her own sick personal satisfaction of knowing that it would be short-lived. She stomped out of the hospital, knowing that she only had one place to go other than back to the needle.

;

Sydney sighed dramatically as she finished punching in the code to her garage, turning to hand Tig the keys with a playful roll of her eyes in an attempt to keep some normalcy alive - and distract him from what she knew was consuming his mind.

"You drive." He nodded to the black Challenger that came into view as the door lifted off of the ground, hoping that providing her with a little excitement would help to both ease his guilt and give him some much needed time to ready himself for what he was going to have to do tonight, mistake free.

"But I thought?" She scowled, surprising herself as she still held the keys out to him - knowing that on any other day she would've jumped at the opportunity.

"I know how excited you've been to get back on the road." He shook his head, closing his hand around hers with the keys in her palm. "Doctors say you're okay, you say you're okay, I need to trust that." He nodded curtly, feeling yet another wave of guilt as he used her situation to his advantage once again - desperately trying to remind himself that what he was doing was for her safety.

"Um, okay." She blinked a few times, turning away as she made her way to the driver's seat for the first time in what felt like ever, suddenly feeling foreign behind the wheel - a place where she used to feel comfort. She wanted so badly to just ask him, to try and help him - but she knew that she couldn't. She had spent far too long preaching her understanding of the things that they couldn't tell each other, to do that. The only way to put a stop to her worries was to cut them off at the source.

;

Gemma stood balancing on a chair in the living room as she hung the blue 'Welcome Home' banner across the wall, turning in anticipation when she finally heard the front door knob turning. "Where've you been?" She called to Wendy whom she didn't bother making eye contact with, immediately holding out the other end of the banner to the woman who was supposed to be helping her decorate for the party that would be taking place in just a few hours.

Wendy sauntered over with her head down, working up the courage to say what she so desperately wanted to say to the conniving woman standing before her. "I know what you're doing." She mumbled as she turned away, stepping up onto the couch so that she could level the banner properly.

"Hanging a banner?" Gemma raised a brow.

"With me and Tara." She sneered at the memory, letting the anger fuel her enough to look up into Gemma's eyes, the eyes that she knew were capable of so much...

Gemma's brow raised higher as her mouth fell slightly ajar in a challenge to the younger woman who dared to walk the very thin line. "And what am I doing?" She scoffed as she got down off of the chair.

"Using me to hurt her and Jax." Wendy spit out bittering as Gemma began rifling through the bag of decorations without a care for her actions. "Asking me if I still love him… Do I want my family back… That was all about pushing her out of the picture." She scoffed, feeling her veins beginning to quiver as she realized just how desperate she had been to have thought that it was a good idea to trust Gemma - the woman who had tried to kill her just weeks ago.

"Did it change anything?" Gemma shrugged as she began wrapping the bannisters with blue streamers. "I still meant everything that I said. What do you care what my motives are? You still get the thing that you want the most, and so do I." She didn't even bother to try and cover her tracks with the junkie, she reserved those efforts for the people that weren't naive enough to forgive her.

"You know, I was okay with you slipping me enough crank to kill a horse because of what I did to Abel - I deserved that. But I am not the same person anymore, Gemma…" She felt her voice quivering as she uttered the words that she so desperately wanted to believe were true. "I can't be a part of this… You're playing with people's lives." She narrowed her eyes.

Gemma let her eyes wander down to where Wendy had begun instinctually rubbing the veins in her arm, seeing now why she was so upset over this. "I'm protecting the innocent." She reminded her as she made her way back over to the decorations where she began stringing another banner to hang over the mantle. "If I step on a few toes in the meanwhile, so be it."

"Jesus." Wendy shook her head incredulously. "I mean… You really believe that, don't you?"

Gemma rolled her eyes as her back was turned, sighing as she turned back around and placed her hand on her hip - her patience with the audacious woman beginning to wear thin. "So what? Putting down that needle for a few weeks somehow gives you the right to judge me?" She gave a pointed look that told Wendy that she had no problem stepping back over the line if that was how she wanted to play. "You better take a good, long look sweetheart - because you are burning a hole through the very thing that you only dream of becoming." She watched her crumble under her words, avoiding eye contact as her courage shrunk along with her. "Maybe that's why you hate yourself so much." She taunted, reaching for her one of the silver chains around her neck as she brought her eyes back up to meet her own where she saw the faint glistening of tears. "The sooner that you accept that, the sooner you'll get there."

;

Sydney sat on the edge of Tig's bed bouncing her leg up and down anxiously while he moved around his room in silence, gathering some of the things that he intended to store on the now free rack in her closet. She felt her chest beginning to fill with panic as the silence became deafening - reaching for the TV remote where she hastily turned it on in search of some background noise.

Tig winced as he heard the TV turn on abruptly behind him, knowing that he was failing miserably at trying to convince her that all was well - but they both knew that it wasn't and neither of them were willing to say it out loud. He took a deep breath, mustering up the strength to lie to her again as he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed next to her.

"I'm sorry, Princess." He sighed as he flopped over, laying his head in her lap. "Hungover, grumpy… Ruining your Saturday." This lie came a little easier - seeming innocent compared to all of the ones that he'd already told and would have to tell in the future.

"You're not ruining my Saturday, Tiggy." He closed his eyes as the feeling of her fingers running through his curls began, but it didn't soothe him as it usually did - he was too distracted by the sincere whisper in her voice when she'd answered him rather than the playful giggle that he should've heard.

"You sure?" He sat up, meeting her eyes in a desperate search for some kind of assurance that she believed him - but all he was met with was the green stare of a woman who could see right through him.

Sydney nodded, bringing her hand to his face where she stroked his cheek before placing a gentle kiss to his lips. "I'll go find you some Advil." She got to her feet, jumping at the excuse to finally break away from him so that she could get to the bottom of what had really happened the day before.

Tig nodded as he watched her shuffle out the door quickly. He had an idea or two about where she was actually going - knowing that she knew he had a bottle in the bathroom cabinet - but he wasn't going to put a stop to it. Maybe if Clay set her straight, he wouldn't have to.

;

"Hey, Clay… Do you uh- Do you think you could help me? There's a delivery out back… Nothin we ordered and the guy won't take no for an answer." Half-Sack winced as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

Clay sighed, looking around the empty bar for somebody to take his place, but he had no such luck on a Saturday afternoon while everybody was still sleeping off their Friday night. He turned back to the prospect with a nod as he begrudgingly followed him down the hall - placing his hand on the gun in his waistband as he realized that this could possibly be another ambush from the Niners.

"White or black?" He asked as they approached the back door, not getting an answer as Half-Sack swung it open to reveal Sydney standing with her arms crossed.

Half-Sack nodded to Sydney, avoiding Clay's threatening gaze as he put it together. It might not have been the ambush that he was expecting, but an ambush nonetheless.

"Got the prospect doing your dirty work?" He mused humorlessly, not yet meeting her eyes.

"He's reliable - a good person to have on your side, which you're going to need if you insist on killing off half of your crew." She sneered, watching his eyes finally flick up in warning. "What happened?" She demanded.

"You were right." He shrugged, knowing that if she was asking him it meant that Tig had succeeded in not letting it slip - and the only way to make sure that she didn't ask again was to make her think that he had decided to take her advice after all. "Now's not the right time. We decided to reconsider."

Sydney felt her forehead beginning to crease as she tried to keep her expression straight, trying to figure out if what he was saying was the truth. She understood Tig not telling her what had happened out of embarrassment, but she didn't understand him not telling her what had happened if he had nothing to be embarrassed about.

Clay watched the gears turning behind her eyes and she tried to decide whether or not he was being truthful, knowing that he had to do something more to bring her back in because he couldn't have anything interfering with his plan a second time.

"I uh…" He lowered his voice sympathetically as he took a step towards her. "I never asked if you were okay…" He lifted his softened eyes to meet hers as he ran his calloused thumb over the slowly fading bruising underneath her eye.

For the first time, Sydney felt no comfort in the caring words of her President - fighting the urge to recoil under his touch while his words sent a chill down her spine. She knew that something was off - the way that everything felt wrong. But figuring out what was wrong meant that she had to know what was right, and lately she didn't have a clue.

;

Gemma pulled into the first parking spot that she could find after a stop at the hospital which had led her to Main Street, not parking too close to the tiny store that she would be seen - but not parking too far away that she wouldn't be able to get a good look at what was about to go down. "You remember who you're doing this for." She narrowed her eyes at Wendy.

"I- I will." Wendy stuttered nervously, practically jumping out of the car and speed-walking down the street so that she wouldn't miss the opportunity to say what she needed to say while she had the courage - and the pressure of Gemma watching her.

Gemma smiled in satisfaction, pulling out her phone and flipping it open - pressing #2 on her speed dial. "Hey." She cooed down the line cheerfully.

"Hey." Jax smiled as he felt his heart skip a beat, knowing what this phone call meant. "Ready to go?"

"Just about. You think you could pick up Wendy on your way? She's at that toy store on Main Street."

"You can't get her?" Jax scowled, figuring it made much more sense for Gemma to pick her up on her way to the hospital rather than have her ride on the back of his bike - especially if they were all going to the same place.

"Nope. Running errands." She smirked, snapping her phone shut as she waited for the show.

;

Tara walked out of the Fundemonium Toy Store with her perfect gift for Abel under her arm - an automatic baby rocker that Jax could use to help get him to sleep on those late nights that she knew he was in for.

"He's gonna love it Tar. It saved my life when John was away on business… I was starting to think I'd never be able to shower again." Maggie laughed as the two turned onto Main Street in hopes of hitting up the coffee shop before they had to get back to work.

"That's what I'm hoping for." Tara chuckled to the dark haired woman who she'd struck up an at-work friendship with ever since Sydney's shooting had brought them together.

But Maggie didn't answer - looking over Tara's shoulder where Wendy was leaning against the brick building in wait. She'd heard a bit about Wendy - Abel's real mom - hoping that she would be able to get some more information about the notoriously fascinating group of outcasts from the encounter that was about to take place.

"Uh." Tara blinked a few times, not wanting to have this conversation in front of an audience - especially an audience that could use it against her. "I'll meet you there." She nodded down the street.

"Okay." Maggie nodded, smiling politely at Wendy as she walked past her.

"Hey." Tara greeted the blonde woman wearily. "You looking for me?" Her forehead creased as she looked around to see if maybe her nerves had gotten the better of her in thinking that Wendy was there for her instead of just accompanying Gemma on her surely never-ending list of errands to run before the homecoming party tonight.

"Yeah." Wendy chewed her thumbnail, forcing herself to yank it from her mouth as she realized that now was the time to start the conversation that she'd been rehearsing over and over in her head for the last forty-five minutes. "I need to ask you a question."

Tara felt her body stiffen up when she sensed the accusatory tone in Wendy's voice, mentally running through the multitude of things that she could be suspicious of her for. "Okay." She nodded tentatively, glad that she'd thought to send Maggie away before Wendy said something potentially job-threatening.

"Are you with Jax?"

"Uh-" Tara was relieved that Wendy hadn't found out about what she'd done with Abel, but her body didn't relax when she realized that explaining this unethical action wasn't going to be much easier. "I don't know how to answer that." She looked down at her white sneakers.

"Do you love him?" Wendy asked harshly as her anger built when she just got more and more confirmation.

Tara looked into the pained eyes of the woman scorned, trying as hard as she could not to feel bad for all that she'd done. "I'm not comfortable having this conversation with you-."

"I don't give a shit what you're comfortable with." Wendy cut her off, crossing her arms in front of her chest as the anger turned to boldness. "We've spoken over half a dozen times in the past couple of days, you don't think you might've mentioned that you're sleeping with my husband?"

Any guilt that Tara felt immediately went away when Wendy accused her of the one thing that she hadn't done: homewrecking - Wendy had done that all on her own, she'd just been trying to pick up the pieces.

"Ex-husband." She corrected.

Wendy blinked a few times in embarrassment, looking away. "Two more months before that's official, okay." She regained her composure, meeting her eyes once again. "He is my husband, and Abel is our son."

"Okay-" Tara felt her chest tightening as the painful words of reality hit her ears, feeling the panic pushing her own set of painful words of reality through her regretfully vindictive lips. "You need to check into your sober-living facility… Get some time. If you and Jax are supposed to be together, he'll be there when you get out."

Wendy chewed the inside of her lip when Tara checkmated her, biting harder as she fought off tears of shame over the one thing that she would never live down - the one thing that she would never be able to outrun no matter how hard she tried.

"And where will you be?" She kept her voice level.

Tara stared at her for a few seconds, deciding it better to leave that question unanswered. "I have to get back to work." She told her in place of a goodbye, heading down the street in the direction of the coffee shop.

Wendy felt her veins tingling with the usual sensation that came when something bad happened and she needed a pick-me-up. Shaking her head as she fought it off - finding a different outlet instead. "She will never let you be with him!" She screamed the truth at the back of Tara's pompous little head, refusing to let her and her moral high-ground think that they'd won.

Tara rolled her eyes, unamused by the ramblings of the junkie until she realized what they meant… Turning back around slowly.

"Gemma hates you." Wendy continued when she saw that it was working. "She'll do whatever she can to keep you guys apart." But as the hateful words rolled off of her tongue, she realized that even though they were true - they weren't true in the way Gemma had tricked her into believing. She wanted them to be true because she and Jax truly belonged together, but instead she now knew that they were only true because it was the exact same way that Gemma had made her feel.

"You may as well quit while you're still ahead." She shook her head sorrowfully as her voice began to break. "Or alive, for that matter." She let the tears fall as she turned away with the realization that this had nothing to do with her or Tara. If it wasn't one, it would be the other. And if it wasn't the other, it would be the next. Nobody would ever be good enough for Gemma Teller's son.

;

Songs for this chapter

I Am Machine - Three Days Grace

Expectations - Lauren Jauregui

Beggin - Maneskin