BIGGGGGG disclaimer before you read this one, so please hear me out. After WEEKS of stressing over this, I've decided to go ahead and stick with the original dialogue taken directly from the show for these next few chapters involving the Niners. I want you all to know that the views expressed by some of these characters do not at all align with my own, but I hope that with your knowledge of the show and this genre of story to begin with, you already understand that. That being said, racial slurs will be present in the next few chapters. These are very hard for me to write, but I feel that they are imperative to the scenes and to the mindsets of some of these characters. I have taken out as many as I possibly can, but if you've seen the show then I hope you will know why it is crucial to keep some of them in. I am very very sorry if this is offensive to anybody, and I again would like to reiterate that these are not my words, they are words from the script in which I am writing from.
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General trigger warnings for this story: Language, smut, mentions of rape, abuse, drug use/overdose, violence/death.
CHAPTER 89: LIFE AND DEATH
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Tig felt Clay come up behind him, placing his heavy hand on his shoulder as he too laid his eyes on the heartbreaking sight that they could only blame themselves for - but no matter how much it hurt, he couldn't bring himself to look away. He deserved this punishment.
Sydney sighed shakily when she finally finished, pulling her eyes away from the savages who were responsible for this painful position that she found herself in. "I gotta go…" She told Ellie softly as the young girl wiped her tears. "But I hope that I did your momma proud."
"Are you kidding?" Ellie threw her arms around her, brushing off her own emotions. "You were so much better!" She hugged her tightly before letting her get up to leave. "You have to come back and sing for me again, okay? I didn't mess up once! That never happens!"
"Okay." Sydney chuckled as she got to her feet, the angry tears returning to her eyes as she made her way towards the door, glaring harshly at Tig and Clay who stood with their heads down. "I never want to have to do that again." She uttered through gritted teeth as she pushed past them, making her way out to her car without saying goodbye to anybody else.
Tig nodded as Clay tried to console him, choosing to accept his fate instead as he followed Sydney out of the house and found her in the driver's seat of her car, staring blankly at the wheel. He sucked in a shaky breath as he pulled the passenger door open, readying himself for what he knew was coming - but once again, his dreary expectations dissipated as soon as he was in her presence.
"I didn't know that you could sing like that…" He started after a few minutes of silence. He had no idea where to begin, but he figured that this would be a good starting point to help him gauge where to go next.
"Neither did I." Her words were hollow as she remained fixed on the worn black leather of the steering wheel that had spent decades in her dad's hands - running her thumb over Tig's ring before starting the engine and pulling out of her parking spot, wanting to get as far away from that house as she possibly could.
"I'm sorry…" Tig sighed, shaking his head sorrowfully as he allowed the tears to gather in his eyes. He knew that he had to get this out, and there was no better day to do it than on the one day where the reminder of his mistake would be waiting for him at every turn.
Sydney kept her eyes fixed on the road, waiting for him to continue but getting no such thing as she looked over to see his lip clamped harshly between his teeth. "What-" She cleared her throat. "What exactly are you apologizing for?"
"All of it." He blinked slowly. "I'm not the man that you thought I was…"
The unresolved frustration of days without any kind of truthful communication filled her to the brim as she pulled the car onto the side of the road and ripped up the parking brake, stilling her movements as she tried to calm herself down with a deep breath.
"Why?" She asked with her head down.
"I murdered an innocent woman in the process of trying to kill a brother. Only a monster does something like that."
"Something like what?" She inhaled sharply as she looked back up at him, trying to keep the anger out of her voice as he rambled self-loathingly about things that she didn't even understand the origin of.
"I had to do it, Syd… I didn't have a choice." He kept his eyes fixed out the window - out of her piercing gaze - trying to ease his guilt with the excuse that had brought him no such comfort, no matter how many times he'd repeated it to himself.
"I don't give a shit that you were going to kill him." She scoffed as he began pleading his case to the one person who had understood it from the very beginning - bringing a brief scowl to his face. "Has all that noise in your head made you forget that I was the one who searched that truck with you? Found those bugs? Fucking told you that rats need to die?" She shook her head incredulously. "The only thing about this man that is any different from the man that I thought you were? Is the fact that you didn't kill him when you had the chance, and then you lied to me about it."
"I did what I had to do…" He tried to defend his actions through his realization that he'd had no idea how she'd truly felt - he'd wrapped himself up too tightly in his own fears about how she would feel to pay attention to what was right in front of him. "Lying to each other is what we have to do sometimes, you said it yourself."
"A death sentence is not one of those things." She spit at him harshly.
"A death sentence to a rat that would've turned into a death sentence for the whole club." He finally looked at her as he felt his chest beginning to heave with the same panic that had flooded him the night before - the panic that came as he realized that yet again, he had created another unnecessary and preventable layer to the problem. He had known that she'd shared in his thinking - no matter how far down he tried to push it - he just wished that she hadn't, it would've been easier that way…
"Which is now a death sentence to you!" She screamed as tears pooled in her eyes, sucking in a deep breath as she hung her head. "I was on your side… I supported this… And it still wasn't enough for you to trust me as an equal." She explained bitterly.
"It aint about that." He lied easily. If inequality was her biggest problem with this - it would be the least of his problems. "Brothers protect brothers too. You weren't the only one kept in the dark."
"I was the only one kept in the dark who would've been able to make sure that this didn't happen!" She yelled as her head snapped back up and she smacked the steering wheel. "If you would've fucking listened to me, none of this would've happened! We would've realized that Opie wasn't a rat, Jax wouldn't be looking for anything to pin this on Clay, and Opie's kids would have a fucking mother!"
"I'm not going to apologize for keeping you clear of this." He shook his head with his lip turned up. "Not going to apologize for protecting you from the consequences that come with killing a brother."
"Yeah? And how did that work out? I already fucking knew, Alex. Pulling the trigger and knowing that the trigger was going to be pulled doesn't make a fucking difference in a mayhem vote! So congratulations. You murdered an innocent woman, and destroyed the future of two more. And it was all for nothing, because guess what? Even if he was a fucking rat, he would still be sitting at our table!"
Tig's eyes fell closed as the entire reason that he was receiving this verbal beating in the first place came rushing back… The sight of her lifeless eyes, staring directly through his blackened soul. "I never meant for her to get hurt…" He breathed out. "And keeping it from you wasn't my decision. I pushed for Clay to let you on... I wanted to tell you."
Sydney grimaced as the adrenaline of her outburst began to cease, realizing what she'd done - what she'd said, taking a deep breath as she tried to refocus herself now that she knew the truth.
"We don't have to talk about it anymore." She decided with a sigh, shifting her car back into gear and continuing the short drive back to the clubhouse. She needed time to be angry over the situation that would've been so preventable had they just confided in her the way that she'd thought they could - but it was time that she didn't have. She knew that they would never make it out alive if she didn't pull herself together.
"I'm sorry..." She told him as she pulled onto the compound to let him out where he sat silently with his head against the window and tears glazing his bloodshot eyes. "I'm not going anywhere…" She placed her hand on his thigh. "So you can get that idea out of your head. You have enough to deal with." She nodded gently.
Tig nodded as he tried to absorb her words - tried to believe that there was truth to them. But that was a hope that he couldn't bet his life on in a time like this - he'd done too much of that in the past.
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Everybody filed into the chapel silently with their heads down, nothing but the sound of chairs scraping the worn hardwood floor to fill the dreary room.
"How is he?" Clay nodded to Jax once everybody was seated - not having had enough strength to look the bearded man in the eye after what he'd been forced to witness with Sydney and Ellie.
"I don't know…" Jax sighed.
"How do you think he is?" Piney interjected, blinking incredulously.
Jax grimaced. "There's no viewing… The funeral's tomorrow."
"Well, let's get people down for this. I want a good show of support." Clay nodded, knowing deep down that the show of support had nothing to do with Donna or Opie and everything to do with him.
"I'll start making some calls." Juice nodded.
Clay sighed, slumping over the table where he hung his head. "I gotta take responsibility for this…" He sighed, drawing the immediate attention of Sydney, Tig, and Jax. "I was the one that pushed for that deal with the Mayans… I knew that there was gonna be some kind of Niner blowback, but… I never thought it would reach this far - go this way."
Sydney and Tig shared a sigh of relief, but Jax only felt a rush of anger - of hatred for the manipulative, conniving, evil man before him.
"We all voted yes on that Mayan deal." Chibs shook his head. "Nobody saw this coming.
"That's right." Tig agreed.
"Yeah, but it happened. So how do we handle it?" Piney urged. He didn't give a shit about the details of how or why, what he gave a shit about was that his grandchildren were now going to grow up without a mother - just as his son had.
"The Niners are gonna be dealt with." Clay assured the older man. "But right now, let's just walk through this - be there for Ope."
"We help Ope by settling the score." Piney argued. He may have had a moral compass stronger than some of his younger brothers, but he had always been an outlaw at heart. "We track down Laroy and put a bullet in the nigger's head!"
"We do that and we're gonna end up without a lot more dead wives than just one." Sydney shook her head.
Clay sighed, looking between Sydney and Jax - the suspicious blondes who landed on completely opposite sides of the moral spectrum.
"What are you looking at him for?" Piney yelled across the table. "I'm the one talking to you."
"I know, brother." Clay nodded sympathetically. "I know you're hurting, think you're trying to help-"
"Don't you tell me what I'm thinking!" Piney cut him off. "You know? If this happened to your family? There would be six charters halfway to Oakland."
"This did happen to my family." Clay countered.
"No! It didn't!" Piney yelled. "The Niners came gunning for my son. They killed my daughter-in-law. You got that? Huh? You got that kind of hole in your family?" He got to his feet, storming out of the chapel.
"I got it." Jax sighed, getting to his feet and following Piney out onto the compound. "Where are you going?" He squinted in the sun as he stared down at the old man sitting on his trike.
Piney said nothing, sliding on his sunglasses with a sigh. "Look, man. Nobody wants to even this out more than me." Jax lied. "Let's just bury Donna, catch our breaths, and then we'll do what needs to be done."
"Yeah." He nodded sarcastically. "Let's do that, huh?" He stared deep into Jax's deceptive blue eyes as he fired up his machine, almost running over the VP's foot as he pulled away.
Jax ran his hands over his face in frustration. "Hey, prospect!" He nodded across the lot to Half-Sack who was unloading a car from the tow. "Keep an eye on the old man."
"Where's he going?" Half-Sack scowled.
"I don't know. That's why you're following him." Jax told him impatiently as he pulled on his own helmet and fired up his bike.
"Right." Half-Sack nodded, racing over to the corner of the lot where his white bike had been shunned.
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Tara walked through the hospital alongside her coworkers while they all gossiped and giggled about the attractive young athlete that they'd just performed pelvic surgery on - but she didn't hear any of it as her head hung and her ears rang with the decision that she had to make.
And the time to make that decision got a whole lot shorter as she looked up to see Jax in the waiting room with his head between his knees - quickly getting to his feet once he saw her.
"Excuse me…" She told her friends, making her way over to where he was waiting.
"Can I have a minute…" He asked with desperate eyes.
"Yeah, sure." She nodded, leading him into an empty conference room where they stiffly sat across from each other.
"I uh…" She began when he didn't. "I heard about what happened to Donna…" She did her best to dissociate from the situation - from the woman whom she had shared many years of friendship during their youth as they tried to navigate the world of outlaw bikers. "I'm so sorry…" She shook her head sorrowfully as tears came to her eyes before blinking them away - she had much more important things to cry over today.
"Thanks." Jax deadpanned.
"Anybody know what happened?" She asked a little too pointedly.
Jax shook his head even though he felt the tiny flutter behind his chest when he pondered the question. "No." He answered aloud - hoping that hearing the words would stop the pit forming in his stomach, but they did no such thing. "Look, I know you're busy. I just wanted to make sure you were alright…" Once again, he tried desperately to believe his lie - but he knew deep down that she wasn't in any danger.
"I appreciate that…'' She nodded half-heartedly. "I'm sorry about last night… I-" She grimaced.
"It's okay." Jax shook his head.
"No… It's not okay." She felt her lips beginning to quiver. "Nothing is okay." Her eyes began to blur as the words began spilling out. "Like, the last few weeks I-" She shook her head incredulously. "I tried to follow your lead… Tried to do what Sydney told me to do… What Gemma does… Tried to find some kind of compartment to put all of the stuff in… But I just… I can't. I don't sleep… I'm more scared now than I ever was… I mean… We got away with murder. What does that make me?"
Jax fought the urge to roll his eyes. She would never get past this. "A survivor." He stated firmly.
Tara inhaled deeply as she felt her heart beginning to break - his answer sealing their fate. She leaned down, taking his hand in hers and bringing it to her lips where she squeezed her eyes shut.
"I think you're a good man… With a big heart." She nodded sincerely. "And I believe that you try to do as much good as you can, but… You live a life that I don't think I'll ever really understand…"
Jax felt the unpleasant fluttering in his heart turning into a full blown panic as the horribly familiar words began hitting his ears…
"I called Chicago Presbyterian today… They said they'd take me back, and I think that's the best choice-"
There it was. The bomb that had shattered his world over a decade ago was being dropped all over again. He rushed to his feet, taking a shaky breath as he whirled around to face her. "Don't you get tired of it?" He snarled, hardly able to comprehend what he was saying as he was overtaken by the blind rage of heartbreak. "Running?"
"I'm not running…" Tara blinked, shaking her head as she tried to lie as convincingly as possible - to both him and herself. "I'm just being realistic, Jax."
"Call it whatever you want." He scoffed. "Your life is a series of hit-and-runs. The minute that someone makes you uncomfortable; tests your loyalty - little Tara packs her bags and hits the road. Well, I guess you got what you wanted from me, right? Used me to do your dirty work. I should've listened when you were projecting that shit onto them - realized that it was because it was on your mind the whole time." He sneered.
"That's not fair!" Tara got to her feet as well - but she knew that it was more than fair. If she hadn't been able to get over this, then it was only fair that he hadn't either.
"Not fair?" He yelled, his voice beginning to shake as he stepped towards her. "You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last ten years?"
"Don't do this-" Tara began, she didn't need to be hurt anymore than she already was - especially by pettiness.
"Hundreds!" He cut her off, watching as she recoiled. "Maybe more, I don't know. I barely see their faces! I married Wendy because I was lonely! Because I got tired of the endless disconnect that you burdened me with. Because when I'm inside someone, there's only one face that I see. So don't you talk to me about 'not fair'."
Tara hung her head, more tears coming to her eyes as she realized that this wasn't petty at all. This was love. Love that he had never stopped feeling for her.
"When you came home, it was like some kind of sign to me." He continued. "Like my past coming around to give me another shot… To do this different - better." He inhaled sharply. "And now that chance is runnin back to Chicago."
Tara didn't say anything as they both stood with red eyes and tense muscles, her tears finally loosening when he grabbed her face and brought her lips to his in a hard kiss - pulling away with nothing but pain behind his eyes.
"You take care, doc." He nodded.
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After helping Wendy learn that the best way to calm a baby down was with physical contact, Gemma moved to the living room where she had taken the liberty of bringing in Jax's boxes from the dorm he'd been staying in at the clubhouse over the last few months. She began unpacking, sifting through the stacks of useless magazines that she didn't understand why he kept in his possession, but didn't dare throw away - he was like his father in that regard.
"Hey, do you think I could borrow your car? We need more wipes." She heard behind her, not bothering to look up as she pulled open another box full of more junk. No wonder he hadn't been in a hurry to unpack.
"Yeah, my wallet's over there." She nodded to the kitchen counter, glad to see her taking some initiative. "Take what you need."
Wendy smiled, walking over where she picked up the hefty black wallet and thumbed through the stack of bills - just take what you need. "That Jax's stuff?" She found an easy distraction - glad that Gemma hadn't witnessed her moment of hesitation in her frenzy to unpack the boxes that were stacked around the house.
"Yeah." Gemma groaned as she picked up a particularly heavy box off of the floor and carried it through to the kitchen - lifting it up onto the table. "Figured I better unpack for him or this shit will be sitting in the garage for the next three months."
"Wow." Wendy chuckled. "You're like… Dr. Jekyll and Donna Reed."
Donna. Gemma forced a smile, blinking a few times as she searched for a change in subject before Wendy could catch on - although she didn't worry too much about the junkie's ability to think that quickly. "You and Jax…" She started - knowing that they had spent the night together, but the fact didn't bring her nearly as much comfort as she wished it would've. "How's that comin?"
Wendy bit her lip, her eyes falling to her wrists where she fiddled with her bracelets. "He has his doubts about me coming back." It wasn't the whole truth - but it was damn near close enough.
"We all do." Gemma nodded.
Wendy chuckled humorlessly, a sad smile finding its way onto her face. Gemma was right. They all did. "Well, I'm gonna convince him." She spoke with a determination that she almost believed. "I'm gonna be the girl that he fell in love with."
Once again, Gemma felt no such reassurance in Wendy's declaration. "Good for you." She nodded after a few seconds, handing her the keys and turning away from the solution that was quickly beginning to feel like a problem.
She shook away the worry as the door closed behind Wendy, returning to the one thing that had always managed to busy her mind: cleaning. She pulled open the heavy box with some trouble, grunting slightly when it finally gave way - a wince quickly replacing the grimace when she saw what was inside.
"Ugh." She shivered, reaching in and pulling out mounds of dirty socks and underwear. "Some shit never changes…" She chuckled humorlessly, carrying the box over to the laundry room where she tipped it into the barrel washer, scowling when she heard a thud. Her scowl deepend when she quickly located the source of the noise - the black leather binder sitting atop the pile of clothing.
She reached in, pulling out the mystery item and flipping it open to see a stack of burnt parchment. But the scowl in her face quickly ironed out as her heart sank deep in her chest as she skimmed over the title page, finally understanding what she was holding - what had been the cause of all of their problems.
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF SAM CROW.
HOW THE SONS OF ANARCHY LOST THEIR WAY.
BY JOHN THOMAS TELLER.
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