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General trigger warnings for this story: Language, smut, mentions of rape, abuse, drug use/overdose, violence/death.

CHAPTER 94: WHITE DOVE

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Sydney laid awake as the first light of day began spilling through the sheer bedroom curtains that she'd just recently replaced the old blinds with, but watching the soft dancing of the rays across her bedroom walls as they broke through the tree leaves rustling in the morning breeze did nothing to ground her as she'd hoped it would. She'd suffered through yet another sleepless night, a pit having begun to form in her stomach the second that the clock had struck midnight - but the sound of Tig's soft snoring had helped get her through it. He needed the rest much more than she did.

She sighed as she rolled over onto her side, breathing through the tightening in her chest as her tired eyes landed on Tig - reaching over and gently brushing his overgrown curls out of his face before she pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. She pulled away slowly - slipping out of bed just as subtly before padding across the room and out the door, softly closing it behind her. Once she was alone, she felt a slight shift in the discomfort behind her ribcage, allowing her to breathe for a second before the reminder came right back and punched her in the gut - literally.

Her body lurched suddenly, turning towards the guest bathroom where she thought that her stomach was going to betray her - blinking as her vision began to blur. She sucked in a shaky breath as she steadied herself against the sink, clutching the edges with her trembling hands as her stability began to come back to her. It's just exhaustion - she told herself as she looked up into the mirror to see the dark circles that had formed on top of her faded black eyes, taking a step back as she blinked in surprise - which only made her dizzy all over again. Definitely exhaustion.

She yanked on the squeaky faucet handle, gathering some cold water in her hands before splashing it over her face in an attempt to shock her system awake, realizing as she felt a particularly strong pang that her completely non-existent food intake from the day before likely wasn't helping. She nodded, not bothering to towel her face dry as she headed down the stairs and quickly got to work making breakfast while a fresh pot of coffee brewed - laying multiple strips of bacon across a pan and cracking eggs into a bowl. But as the smell of grease and espresso invaded her airway - something that usually would've brought her comfort - she realized that she wasn't even hungry.

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Tara sat wrapped in a towel in the wicker chair by the door in her bedroom - in her parent's old bedroom - as she looked over the pile of empty suitcases on her bed and at the spot on the floor where Kohn had been killed. She felt her eyes go out of focus as she stared hollowly at the faint red tint that still stained the carpet, forcing herself to be okay with the sight - because it was a sight that she was going to have to get used to.

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Sydney sat at the dining table with her coffee mug between her hands, using the warmth to ground herself as she tried to talk herself into forcing down another bite of her food. It turns out that the need to eat was not the cause of the pit in her stomach at all - the rich meal only having made it wider. But she knew that carbs and caffeine would be the only way that she would get through this day - taking another bite and tapping her fingertips over the smooth wooden surface of the tabletop as she tried to fight off the urge to dry heave.

"Morning." The sound of Tig's grumbly voice managed to pull her from the inner turmoil that she faced as she forced herself to chew what she knew would be her last bite - bringing her coffee mug to her lips where she used the bitter liquid to wash it down.

"Morning." She replied somewhat awkwardly as she set her mug down.

"Breakfast sandwiches?" Tig commented as he looked over the meal that she had prepared while pouring his own cup of coffee.

"Yeah. You can have the rest of mine, too." She pushed her half-full plate across the table.

"Not hungry?" He tried to maintain some kind of normal conversation as he pulled out his chair.

"No…" She said a little too curiously as she tried to put her finger on what it was. It wasn't like the pit that she'd felt in her stomach on all of the other mornings as of late - that one had finally been uprooted. This was something different - something familiar, something nagging. But she didn't know what. "I'm gonna go get ready." She avoided his eyes as she got to her feet and shuffled down the hallway before disappearing up the stairs.

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Gemma stood in the doorway of her bedroom where she watched as Clay sat on the edge of the bed, struggling to get a good grip on buttons of his wrist cuffs. She felt her heart rate beginning to pick up in a combination of empathy and apprehension - making her way over to where she sat down on top of the striped duvet next to him.

"Here, baby." She whispered, gently taking his hand in hers where she massaged his aching joints before fastening the golden buttons while he sat in silence - just as he had all night.

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Sydney wandered into her closet with a towel wrapped around her damp body after a long, hot shower that had also done absolutely nothing to mitigate the extreme unease that she felt behind her belly button - begrudgingly crossing another one of her curative tactics off of her quickly shortening list.

She made her way over to the rack of dresses, sighing as she lazily flicked through the countless rows of vastly inappropriate garments until she finally landed on the one that she knew would suit the occasion. And that was when it hit her - what the pit in her stomach had been for as she gazed upon the simple black dress that held nothing but awful memories.

Her vision blurred, the black dress widening into a dark, blurry mass until it came back into focus - but she was no longer looking at the dress where she held it in her hands, she was looking at it where it now sat on her body. Her forehead creased as her eyes darted around once she realized that she was looking into a mirror, seeing that she wasn't in her closet anymore, she wasn't even in Charming anymore - she was in the bathroom of the house that she'd shared with her dad back home.

"Daddy…" She whispered as she stared into the reflection - her hand creeping up her chest towards the gold pendant that was back around her neck.

Tig entered the closet where Sydney had zoned out while trying to choose a funeral-appropriate ensemble - a lengthy feat for her, surely. He felt a small smile coming to his face, but it quickly faded when his eyes landed on the faint bruising that he could still see peeking out from under the white towel draped over her thigh, trailing up to the matching marks on her face. "If the feds aint sendin CPS for Opie, they're sendin a domestic squad for us." He tried to lighten the tense atmosphere as he brought his hand up to his own battered face - knowing that standing in silence, feeling like a failure as he examined her wounds was not doing either of them any favors.

Sydney whipped her head around to see Happy standing in the doorway of the bathroom, blinking a few times before the vision faded away and she was back in her closet, looking at Tig.

"Huh?" She asked as she shook her head, not having been able to process his words when they'd come out in Happy's voice. She blinked again, her eyes landing on the chain around his neck - looking down at her fingers that had closed around the smooth metal, opening them to reveal nothing but the bare space between her collarbones.

"Nothin." He shook his head with a sad smile. "How's it feeling these days?" He nodded to her thigh.

"I don't even feel it anymore." She scoffed as she ripped the tainted dress off of the hanger, wishing that she could rip the repressed memories away with it. "Did you sleep okay?" She changed the subject.

Tig nodded slowly, thankful for the rest that he undoubtedly wouldn't have gotten without her help. "I can see why you wanted those…" He chuckled ironically.

"Yeah." She snorted in response.

"Did you?" He questioned a little more pointedly - knowing the painful answer as she stood before him looking like a zombie, and jumping like a tweaker. "Sleep okay?"

Sydney thought for a few seconds before she forced a smile across her lips. "Yeah." She nodded as she reached out and squeezed his hand before brushing past him.

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"Oh." A sympathetic pout spread across Luann's face as her green eyes fell on the young blonde whom she hadn't properly gotten the chance to speak to since her unfortunate accident. "Hi, babygirl." She turned her attention away from the fruit platter that she'd been replenishing for the guests, hauling Sydney into her arms where she'd just passed through the front door of the Winston house with Tig in tow. "How are you?" She looked over her where she stood in a tasteful black dress that stretched across her chest, and hung around her biceps while the hemline hit her just above her knee. "You look great." Her eyes widened as she turned her around to get a full view of the dress that shaped her hourglass body perfectly.

"Thanks, Lu." Sydney giggled, trying to find the usual burst of confidence that she felt when the older woman fawned over her, but it never came.

"You sure you really took a bullet?" She raised a brow. "Don't look like it." She scoffed.

"That's the idea." A slightly more genuine chuckle passed through Sydney's lined lips.

"I'm sorry, baby." Luann turned her attention to Tig who had been standing in the doorway somewhat awkwardly, patiently waiting for the women to finish their embrace.

"Thanks, sweetheart." Tig nodded gratefully, bending down to accept the hug from the short woman - looking past her out the kitchen window where he could see that most of his crew had gathered. He felt Sydney's small hand squeezing his arm, looking down to see her giving him a nod which he returned, squeezing her hand back before he made his way out to the backyard.

"Hi, Sydney!" Her attention was stolen away from the older man as she heard the cheerful voice coming from down the hall, turning to see Ellie bounding towards her with Kenny and Opie in her wake. "Do you like my outfit?" She asked as she stopped in front of her, twirling around in her black kitten heels.

"I sure do." Sydney smiled her most earnest smile yet as she lifted the young girl's hand and twirled her around again, the black velvet shooting out at her sides. "Do you like mine?" She mused as she playfully struck a pose before twirling in her own heels - grateful for the distraction from the pang of guilt that she knew she would've felt had she laid her eyes on the mourning family in silence.

"Yeah." Ellie smiled in awe. "Will you come sing with me?"

Sydney's eyes shifted awkwardly between the innocently hopeful girl, and her visibly uncomfortable father as she displayed not an ounce of grief. "Um." She got down on one knee, placing her hands on her arms now that they were at eye level. "Not today, okay sweetheart?" She smoothed her hand over the top of the smaller girl's head where her long hair had been pulled into a ponytail. "I had kind of a long night." She added with a silly frown. Wanting to upset her on the day of her mother's funeral was high on her list of things that she didn't want to do - but upsetting her father was higher.

"Okay…" Ellie's twinkling eyes dulled as she hung her head.

"But." Sydney looked up at Opie briefly as she continued speaking to his daughter. "How about we go find you some jewelry to wear with that dress, huh?" She suggested. "I'm sure your momma had something that you can wear… You can feel close to her." She nodded, feeling the cursed stinging coming to her throat. "Daddy's okay with that, right?" She looked back up at Opie - hoping that the emotion in her eyes would be enough to soften his expression so that she didn't have to be so damn nervous.

And it did. Opie unclenched his jaw, nodding softly as he squeezed his daughter's hand and gave Sydney a nod of thanks - grateful that she was there to help him with the young girl that he didn't know the first thing about.

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Happy waited on the compound among the sea of patched members from charters all over, perking up when he finally saw the procession approaching the gate - first the black hearse, then various cars that held the women and children, and then the line of SAMCRO riders.

He scanned the row of bikes as they pulled into the middle of the lot, looking for Sydney's Ninja that had always stuck out like a sore thumb, but he came up empty handed - his gaze being pulled towards the entrance where he caught a glimpse of her white-blonde hair as she got out of a car with Opie's kids.

"Okay, do you guys need to go to the bathroom? We're gonna be leaving pretty quick and you're not gonna be able to go once it starts." She looked over the two kids who just shook their heads. "What about some water? It's gonna be hot…" She could already see the sweat beginning to bead on Kenny's forehead as he stood in his button up shirt, tie, and dress pants. They both nodded, ducking into the shade of the vehicle parked next to the one that they'd just gotten out of. "Okay." She nodded, pressing the back of her hand against Ellie's warm cheek. "Stay right here."

Happy saw the perfect opportunity as she scurried into the clubhouse, making his way over to the door where he leant against the wall - intercepting her as she emerged holding two water bottles. "What the hell was that last night?"

Sydney stopped dead in her tracks when she came face to face with the first half of the bitter memory that she was trying desperately to outrun - regaining her composure as she pulled her eyes away from his which still managed to penetrate her from behind his dark sunglasses.

"It's done." She shook her head, continuing her trek across the compound.

Happy reached out, his bony hand wrapping around her bicep where he pulled her back to him - feeling a jolt of electricity course through his veins when the material around her arm hit his fingertips.

"I can't do this, Hap." Sydney stood in the middle of the bathroom with her teeth chattering and her arms crossed over her chest. "Don't make me do this." She pleaded, her voice falling to a squeak as tears streamed down her face - as they had done the last hour - knowing what was waiting for down the hallway as the entirety of SAMDINO waited to escort her into the chapel.

"You can." He shook his head.

"I can't." She shook her head, fixing her hand over the golden heart around her neck. "I can't see him like that again…" She whispered.

"We gotta do this." He shook his head firmly.

"No." She began hyperventilating. "No, I need to get out of here." She shook her head, looking to the ground as she tried to push past him before she was stopped by his large hand softly pulling her into the comfort of his arms.

"You'll get out soon." He whispered into her hair as he hugged her tight.

Happy blinked as he came back to earth - the hauntingly familiar image before him hitting him like a ton of bricks. It had only been a few short months since that memory had occurred, but as he looked over where she stood before him now, it looked like it could've been years by the way that the exhaustion of pain had sunken into the crevasses of her once lively face.

Sydney stopped once again, looking him up and down as he held onto her arm - ignoring the skip in her heart that she felt when she recognized the rare expression on his face. She shook the thought away, pulling her arm from his grasp before continuing her walk.

Happy grunted when once again, he let her get away - letting his long legs and angry strides carry him after her where he jumped in front of her, blocking her path once again.

"I didn't leave you in there for you not to tell me what the fuck is going on." He demanded.

"No…" She let her eyes flick over him in disgust. "But you did leave me in there."

A scowl began to form on Happy's face as he tried to figure out what she meant - the same scowl only getting deeper once he realized. "I did what you always wanted." He declared as convincingly as he could. "I'm letting you handle yourself." He nodded curtly.

"And I'm doing what you always wanted." She nodded back. "I'm not being your burden."

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Maya nodded her head along to the Aerosmith song playing on her favorite radio station as she drove through town - finally making her way home after a morning full of errands that she'd put off the day before. For a small town, she was shocked to have found out how busy it could get on a Sunday - which was the only thing that could drag her out of bed before noon on a Monday.

She hadn't heard from Happy since he'd stormed out of her house after the phone call about Sydney, but she'd willed herself not to think about it. He had been honest about her. She'd told herself. She'd also told herself that he was busy, and they weren't together - she didn't even want them to be together. But all of those things didn't stop her from the subconscious detour that she'd made past the clubhouse any time that she left the house - her eyes always lingering a little too long as she drove past the lot, looking for the unique T bars of his bike.

She felt her grip tighten around the cigarette that sat between her fingers while her hand dangled out the window when she saw the massive crowd gathering outside the clubhouse. She straightened up in her seat, gripping the steering wheel of her Mustang as she rolled past the gates where, for the first time, she expected to see anything but Happy.

But instead, he was front and center - motionlessly standing with a blonde girl while the two just stared at each other. They were standing close enough to the gate that she could see the looks on his face - but it didn't matter. It was a look that she would've been able to recognize from a mile away.

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Tig watched the exchange between Sydney and Happy from across the lot where he'd planted himself beside Clay, but he didn't feel the curiosity or even the twinge of jealousy that he'd expected to feel. Instead, he felt sadness - guilt. He was the reason that her main support system had been cut off, and now he couldn't even properly uphold the position in the way that she needed.

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Jax finally awoke to the sound of birds chirping above his head. He cracked his eyes open, immediately slamming them shut and throwing his hand against his throbbing head. He took a deep breath as he willed himself to try again - but the fresh air that invaded his lungs only added to his confusion as a crease formed in his forehead while he tried desperately to gain his bearings. He was finally able to pry his sensitive eyes open, looking around the very unfamiliar setting, eventually trailing down to the even more unfamiliar object covering his body - a thick blanket - and then to the empty bottle of vodka that had been laying next to him.

It all came back to him - literally - as he jumped to his feet and instantly began projectile vomiting the vile substance that he had filled his body with after the fight. "Oh my god." He groaned as he straightened up once his stomach was empty and his mind was a little clearer - rubbing his kinked neck as he looked around to see that the place he'd come to for solace had been the graveyard.

He shuddered as he was flooded with memories from the night before, his hand instinctively moving to his split lip where he hissed in pain. He took a deep breath as he felt his body beginning to shake with the effects of a deadly hangover, wrapping the blanket around himself as he made his way back to his bike.

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Tig nodded to himself as he made his way over to the plot where everybody was gathering for the beginning of the service. He'd gotten through the hard part - riding alongside Opie in the procession that led to the burial of the woman that he'd killed. He scanned the crown where his eyes eventually landed on Sydney who was standing under a large tree with Ellie and Kenny, keeping them out of the harsh August sun until Mary finally came to collect them.

Sydney took a deep breath as she watched her distraction slip away, her eyes wandering to where Gemma and Clay had begun arranging the seating - leaving her a prime spot right between Tig and Happy.

"You miss him?" Tig asked with a squint as he approached, following her bitter gaze to the bald man.

Sydney flinched, thinking long and hard about her answer. "I have you now." She stated in a way that was anything but endearing.

"Syd…" Tig sighed with a sad shake of his head. She had him, yes - she would always have him. That was a promise that he intended to keep, but he knew that she didn't have him in the way that she deserved - not now, not while he was so twisted up. And that only caused him more guilt - guilt that he would be able to ease much faster if he knew that she had somebody other than him to rely on. "You told me something once-"

"I did." She cut him off, knowing exactly where he was going to try and take this. "What I told you was that if I ever had to choose between you or him, it would be him." She reiterated with just as much sincerity as she had that same day. "But it wasn't my choice." She stated sadly, staring at him with her lip between her teeth before making her way over to her seat.

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Jax ambled across the graveyard, dodging the headstones as best he could as he desperately tried to sober his still very unstable mind. He'd heard the massive hoard of Harleys roll in minutes ago - knowing that he only had very limited time to pull himself together enough to make the funeral of his best friend's wife.

But suddenly, he felt a surge of clarity - Not from the shit in his head, but from the shit still swirling in his veins as his bloodshot eyes landed on a dark haired woman sitting against a tombstone next to a cart full of what had to be her only belongings - wearing the gray sweater that he'd had on the night before.

A smile came to his face as he realized what must've happened there, shedding the heavy blanket as he made his way over to her. "Thanks." He smiled as he handed back the item that undoubtedly saved him from feeling much worse this morning - if he could even believe that was possible.

"You're welcome." She smiled, making to remove the hoodie.

"Keep it." He shook his head, offering her a cigarette which she politely declined - sliding it into his own mouth instead.

"There's some cool water down there." She nodded down the short hill at the red pump sticking out of the ground that she'd spent the last few days using to wash her clothes.

"Thanks." Jax nodded once again, feeling that same spark growing as she pointed him in the direction of what he'd needed most.

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Tara sat on the end of the row of chairs furthest away from Gemma and Wendy - which she was sure had been done purposely - anxiously bouncing her knee as she waited for Jax to finally show as the remaining attendees took their final seats. She twiddled her thumbs as the priest began, finally perking up when she saw him in the distance in his jeans and white t-shirt - he'd had just as rough of a night as she had.

She took a deep breath as she got to her feet, gently taking his kutte from Juice who had been holding it for him - looking over her shoulder where she found Sydney's green eyes among the crow and gave her a nod. She was doing it. She was getting on the bike.

Sydney felt a proud smile pulling at her lips before she pulled herself together - nodding back before she grabbed Tig's hand and squeezed it tight. If Tara was going to step up as an old lady to get through this with her man, then she needed to as well.

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Jax could only feel it getting stronger with each step that he took across that graveyard - that clarity, that presence. And then he saw Tara doing something that he never thought he'd ever see her do; accept him.

He took her into his arms gratefully when she reached him, stepping back where she helped him into his kutte before pulling him to her lips in a kiss to seal the deal.

"Yeah?" He asked in a shaky whisper.

"Yeah." She smiled. This was it. She was done running.

He took a deep breath laced with his renewed strength as he walked over to the bouquet of blue flowers - plucking one out and bringing it to his lips before he tossed it over the white casket, glaring directly at Clay as he did so, tossing Opie a nod before disappearing as quickly as he'd shown up.

Gemma looked up at Clay, who looked over at Tig, who looked down at Sydney. This was a message - a truce. But it wasn't a truce that brought them any kind of relief - it was a truce that promised to never stop reminding them of their mistake.

Piney knew that now was the best opportunity that he was ever going to get - heaving himself up out of his seat where he squeezed his son's shoulder affectionately before following his VP. He eventually caught up to the blonde man, finding him perched himself on top of the familiar gravestone with a cigarette to his lips.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF OUR LITTLE BOY

THOMAS WAYNE TELLER

Born January 8, 1984

Died April 4, 1990

That was the last sign that the old man needed, taking a deep breath as he handed over his most prized possession.

Jax looked up at his best friend's father - and his father's best friend - with a scowl as he accepted the manilla folder which had a weight that was all too familiar.

"Time for a change." Piney nodded before taking his leave.

Jax turned the folder in his hands, scowling once again as he watched the trike take off - looking down as he pulled out the stack of parchment.

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF SAM CROW.

HOW THE SONS OF ANARCHY LOST THEIR WAY.

BY JOHN THOMAS TELLER.

He felt another surge of energy coursing through him - one that pushed a smile to his lips and tears to his eyes.

"Yeah." He nodded.

Jackson Nathaniel Teller now understood what his father had wanted. He didn't leave him the manuscript so that he would run away from the same bloody fate. He left the manuscript so that his son could lead his club down the clear path that he'd originally paved - the path that he himself could no longer navigate. And now that Jax knew he wasn't alone, that was exactly what he was going to do.

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AND THAT'S A WRAP. (for season 1 lol) I can hardly believe it. When I started writing this over 3 years ago, I never thought that it would grow into something as big as it has… Never thought I would get all the way through season 1😂 BUT HERE WE ARE. AND WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH 6 MORE (after I take a little break to get my ducks in a row for season 2). Words cannot express how much it means to me that you all read my work and celebrate my mind. It has given my life more purpose than I think I will ever be able to put into words. I love you and this story with all my heart ❤️

Song for this chapter

John the Revelator - Curtis Stigers & The Forest Rangers