this is me trying

chapter three: mom

tatum

I look over the newly cleaned kitchen satisfied with my progress in cleaning. So far I have only knocked out the kitchen and the bathroom. It has taken me a lot longer than I had expected. Four hours already. Between the dust and the unorganization, I have been busy.

Although I have been up for almost 48 hours now, I couldn't find it in me to sleep. I decide instead to keep myself busy. I've been cleaning and organizing room by room in Cade's house. If I am planning on staying here for a while, I need to make it a little more livable.

As I begin in the living room, I notice the clock reads: 10:26 am. I figure my mom will call me soon -within the next few hours- to check if I am going to dinner tonight. During my dusting of the furniture, I ponder on what exactly my excuse is going to be. I could blame my lack of sleep. Anyone with eyes would notice the bags under my eyes from my major episode of sleep deprivation. Or I could blame the work that needs to be done in the house. I haven't even touched the other bathroom, the foyer, two guest bedrooms or Cade's bedroom -which I haven't planned on going into.

It is not even an hour after I look at the clock that my phone rings from the kitchen. I let out a sigh as I moved to grab the phone. "Hi, mom." I answer, tucking the phone in between my shoulder and ear.

"Hi, sweetheart." My mom greets happily. "I am actually on my way to see you. I'm bringing some lunch. I thought we should catch up."

I want to let out a groan. I guess my mom is not going to go without seeing me. "Oh." I mumble softly, unsure how to address that statement. She hasn't really given me much of a choice here. I go back to cleaning as I keep the phone balanced.

"I hope that's okay." She adds concerned due to my lack of response.

"No, no, that's fine." I answer. I know I can't stop her once her mind is made up. I'm honestly surprised that she is coming by at all. I thought she would wait for me to come to her. But I know what her motive is behind bringing lunch and a pop-up visit. She is trying to ensure that I go to dinner tonight.

"I should be there in the next ten minutes." My mom responds. "I will see you then." I say goodbye before we hang up.

I debate whether or not I should try to clean myself up, maybe put on some makeup before my mom's arrival. But I decide against it. She is my mom. And I am also hoping that my bags underneath my eyes give me an out for dinner.

I continue to clean before I hear a knock at the front door. I put down my duster and head towards the door. When I swing the door open, I see my mom standing on the porch step looking very timid. "Hi, sweetheart." My mom acknowledges as her eyes stray away from me, taking in her surroundings.

This is her first time to the house since Cade has died.

My question that I have been wondering about the past two days has been answered in just one look at my mom's face.

My mom's beautifully tanned face holds so much emotion. Her dark brown eyes are wide and glossy. Her hands cling tightly to the plastic bag in her hands. Her posture is stiff.

"Hi, mom." I say before stepping down onto the porch. I pull her in for a hug, realizing how much sadness she must be feeling at the moment. I think back to two nights ago when I had first seen the house and how I had broken down into tears.

My mom wraps her arms around me, despite having the bags of food in her hands. I feel a shaky breath release from her lips before she pulls me tighter into her body. "Tatum." My name is just above a whisper. It is as if she can't believe I am truly here in her arms. "I've missed you so much." Her voice cracking.

I close my eyes, enjoying this embrace. And although, at first I wasn't too pleased about my mother's random visit, I am happy to see her after all this time. She is after all my mom. "I've missed you too." I agree before I open my eyes and pull away from her embrace. "Do you want to come in?" I ask, motioning to the door behind me. "I've just finished cleaning the kitchen. We can eat at the table."

My mom with her mouth partially ajar, just nods her head. I lead the way inside and toward the kitchen. I turn to face my mom again when I reach the table. She looks frazzled. She sets the food down before she takes another look around the house. Her head jerks back to look at me suddenly. "This is the first time…" She didn't have to finish her sentence. And she didn't have to tell me. I already knew. My mom shakes her head, causing her beautiful long black hair to sway. "It's still hard to believe… that he is really gone."

I swallow the lump in my throat, willing my eyes to not to allow tears to fall. "I know." My voice is so quiet, I don't even know if my mom hears me.

My mom clears her throat and slides out a chair. "I am glad you're back." She says again as she settles into the chair.

I follow her lead. "I think I am glad to be back too." I admit.

My mom opens the bags of food and begins separating it out. She brought Chinese. The smell alone is enough to make my stomach growl. We start into our food before conversation arouses. "You don't look very good, Tatum." My mom tells me honestly. I can tell she is concerned based on my appearance. "When was the last time you've slept? Have you been taking your medicine?" She fires off questions for me.

"I've been taking my medicine." I assure her. "Thank you by the way for sending me my medicine while I was traveling. I know it must have been a pain." In many of the countries -if not all of them- I went to, there was no way for me to get my medicine. I was so thankful for my mom sending it to me along with surprise goodies.

"Your father and I would do anything for you, sweetheart. You know that." My mom stresses me. "Did you have any seizures while you were gone?"

I have had epilepsy since I was a young child. It came on abruptly and the doctors are still unsure of the cause. I had my first two seizures in a week before I was diagnosed with epilepsy. As any concerned parents would do, my parents hovered over me as a child, making sure I didn't have seizures in the middle of the night, etc. And despite undergoing treatment and regular doctor's visits, my parents' concern for my health still lingers. I have been on medicine from the moment I was diagnosed until now. My parents are constantly double checking to ensure that I took my medicine or that I have gone to the doctor.

But I can't be mad at this overprotection. They only do this because they love me.

"I had a few." I confess, not giving her an exact number to stress over. "They were minor and I went to a clinic or a hospital every time I had one." I assure her before shoveling food into my mouth.

My mom sighs, clearly not happy with that answer. "That is why your father was so upset with you traveling." She tells me peacefully, not trying to yell at me. "He worried about you traveling alone and what would happen if you had problems with seizures… And you were so far away, we could never get to you in time if you really needed us." I can sense the stress that she and my dad had experienced over the past three years of my travel and guilt consumes me.

"I…" I pause, trying to form words. I push my food around on my plate. "I am sorry that I worried you and dad." I say truthfully. "But I am twenty three years old, mom. I want to live life. I don't want to be held back. And it all worked out. I am back and I am still very much healthy." I assure her.

My mom nods her head, her eyes trained on the food in front of her. "I'm glad you are home and healthy." She says looking up to me. I can see the relief written on her face. "And your father is happy too. Although, I think he may not be as forgiving in terms of you just dropping out of college and taking off to travel the world by yourself." My mom says. "But I am glad you got to travel. You seemed to really enjoy yourself. Your pictures are incredible."

I crack a smile. "It was what I needed… Time to find myself."

My mom smiles in return and reaches over to rest her hand on my arm. "What is your plan now, sweetheart?" She asks curious as her hand pats my arm, motherly.

I let out a sigh. "I'm not really sure." I confess. I figured when I had decided to come home a few weeks ago when I was in my last country of my travel, Portugal, that I would come up with a plan on my plane ride home. But the only thing I could think about the plane ride back to the US was Cade.

So the first thing I did when I arrived in New York City, a midway point back to La Push from Lisbon, I called my mom to inform her that I was on my way back to Washington and that I was going to be staying in Cade's house. I figured that I would eventually come up with a plan for the future. But for now, I at least have a place to stay that is not under the same roof of my scolding parents.

"Are you planning to go back to school?" My mom asks before scooping food into her mouth.

I purse my lips as I try to decide whether to be truthful or not. I decide on the truthful route. "No, probably not." I say before I wait for the scolding to begin. My mom just nods her head. "You're not mad?" I question, confused by her reaction.

"No." My mom answers softly. Her face remains calm, not giving anything away. "But I hope you don't just plan to hang out in the house all day doing nothing." She worries.

I shake my head. "I am going to start looking for jobs either here in La Push or in Forks starting Monday." I respond, shooting down her worries. It is quiet between us again. I have almost finish my food completely when I speak up again. "Is dad going to be mad?" I ask, lowering my head.

I watch my mom look over to me from the corner of my eye. "No, sweetheart. He will not be mad at you. You are doing what is best for you. And he sees that." She answers, surprising me.

"But he… He was mad that I left… That I didn't come to the funeral." My eyebrows involuntarily scrunch together as I look up to my mom, wanting for answers.

"Tatum, sweetheart, he was not upset about that. He understood that the funeral was too difficult for you. He understood that you needed to get away. He was never mad about the funeral or that you dropped out of school. He was worried that you decided to travel the world by yourself." She says with a serious look on her face. "We already lost one child." She chokes out. "W-we… didn't want to lose another." Her honesty shocks me.

I feel selfish that I had never thought of this. I never thought that I would be causing my parents any pain. I was only focused on myself and the pain I was feeling after Cade's death. My parents needed me. They needed my sisters and I. And we were gone, living our own lives. My two older triplet sisters had gone to Cade's funeral but I'm sure they didn't stay in La Push very long after. My parents were left to deal with their grieving with just the two of them.

"I'm…" I choke up, feeling so much guilt wash over me. "I'm so sorry." I whisper. I run my hand over my face. "But I am here to stay. I am not going abroad anymore." I promise her, though my words are slightly muffled by my hands resting on my face.

"Do you need help looking for jobs on Monday?" My mom asks as she puts her trash in the plastic bag that she had brought the food in with. "I only work part time now. So I am off on Monday."

I want to say no. That I would be fine on my own. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. "Sure." I say softly.

"We could go to lunch too after you drop your resume off at some places." My mom plans for us. "Maybe I can help you finish cleaning up here." She says as she motions to the house around us.

"That would be awesome." I say with a small smile.

My mom cleans up my remnants of food and my trash before she wipes down the table. I can't fight away the smile that pulls at my lips. It is like I am young again. Her motherly instincts and actions are still very strong even though we have been out of the house for five years now.

"About dinner tonight." My mom begins after she finishes cleaning up after our meal. "I know you don't really want to come. But it would mean so much to your father and I. Your sisters are coming with their boyfriends. You will get to meet their guys. And the Clearwaters and the Blacks are coming too. I think it is going to be a really good time." She pauses for a moment. "I understand if you can't come. I can clearly see you haven't slept in a while." She says, giving me a worried look.

"I will try to come." This time I am being truthful. I really should go. Especially after not seeing my family in over three years. It would be nice to have dinner like old times. But I can't help but not wanting to go at the same time. I know it is going to be sad about not having Cade at the table. It is going to be annoying everyone gushing over me and how I have been gone for so long.

But I am doing this for my mom. She wants me there.

"I think you should take a nap before then, sweetheart. I can't even imagine how tired you are right now." My mom expresses her concern.

"Yeah, I need a nap." I say with a nod.

My mom wraps me in a hug even though I am still sitting. She presses a kiss at the crown of my head. "We've missed you so much. I am so glad you are home and that you plan on staying."

I crack a smile as she pulls away from the hug. "I will see you tonight." I promise as I walk her out to the front door. "Bye, mom." I say waving to her.

"Bye, Tatum. I will see you later. Love you." She says waving.

"Love you." I watch as she walks to her car before she climbs in and drives away. I close the door and walk into the kitchen again.

I decide that I really needed to take a nap if I was planning on going to my parent's place tonight. I didn't want to look like the walking dead. So I climb onto the couch in the living room, ignoring what needs to be cleaned.

I pull the blanket off the back of the couch and pull it around me. It doesn't take me long to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep. Wow, I really needed this.

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xx M