Unsure of what was going to happen next. She replied, "I'm here. I just.." She paused as she heard a knock on the door, and she stood up. He was silent on the phone, and then she heard him say, "Open the door Liv. I want to see you. I want to see your face when you explain this to me."
A part of her was glad he was there. But another part of her, was afraid to face him. However, she knew it was too late to chicken out now. She thought to herself, here we go. After she hung up the phone. She walked over to the door slowly, and took deep breaths to calm herself. She had Dr. Baker in her head saying, "Relax, relate, release." She mumbled the phrase aloud, as she prepared to open the door, and by the time she had her hand on the door knob, it had started to work.
Although her stress was high, she felt herself stabilizing after repeating the mantra a few more times. Her heart rate began to reduce, and her breathing had evened out. With that accomplished, she took one final breath, and tried to smile as she opened the door.
When the door swung open; her smile faded quickly. His eyes were cold, and dark, and his face was intense. Before she could verbally invite him in, he'd already stepped inside. So she stepped back, getting out of his way. She remembers feeling the fear she had, turn to anger in that instance. She felt like he barged into her home. Even if he was mad at her. He had no right to be disrespectful.
As she sat with her bubbling anger, and almost ready to take him to task. She snapped out of her thoughts, hearing his footsteps on the hardwood floor. She looked up to see him standing in the middle of the living room, with his hands in his pockets, and still wearing a scowl, like somebody took the last piece of chicken off of his plate.
The silence between them served no great purpose, other than to allow them the chance to simmer in their own rising anger. As Fitz looked around the room. He was more confused at what he saw. There was a fully decorated Christmas Tree, complete with stockings hung on the mantle, and gifts under the tree. The fireplace was ablaze, and the dinner table was set up, for a romantic dinner for two.
Considering this wasn't something he was aware was a plan, he turned to her, as he asked, "Are you expecting company?" Again, she took a breath, and tabled her anger. In an effort not to let her emotions get the best of her, as she learned in therapy. So she quieted her snappy retort, and calmly replied, "Yes, you. This is for us, Fitz."
After hearing her response, she hoped he'd relax, and they could begin to talk. Before things got out of hand. Because it was clear both of them were very upset. But instead, her response seemed to elevate his anger. As he infuriatedly yelled. "Liv, what in the hell is going on? What is all of this?"
His raised voice aggravated her, and she forgot all about the tools learned in therapy, about fighting fair, and putting emotions aside. Instead, she walked up to him, and said, "Fitz! Stop! Just stop talking for one minute! You rudely bum rush into my house, not even saying hello, and now you're yelling at me, as if that's somehow okay! Well it's not! It's not okay damn it, and if you'd let me talk, you'd know what this was all about. Because news flash Fitz, everything isn't always just about you. There are others to consider here, who have a voice, and it's time you finally listened!
As her words hung in the air, the mood changed immediately. She stood before him with tears streaming down her face, and breathing heavily, clearly very frustrated. Fitz is taken back by her. He was forced to pause, and notice her condition. Looking at her now, without anger bubbling from within himself, the sight of her pained him. He didn't want to fight with her. He just wanted to understand what she wanted, and it appeared she was ready to tell him. Until he went off halfcocked, prepared to rant and rave, without giving her a chance to say anything.
Confronted with his admitted unnecessary rudeness, and yelling. He apologetically said, "Okay Liv. I'm sorry. I'm listening to you. Whatever you have to say. I'm ready to hear you." His words helped to calm her, he saw the sincerity in his eyes, as she took a breath, and closed her eyes for a second.
She needed to gather her thoughts, as her emotions settled. She knew this was her last do over with this conversation. So it had to be done right. There was a brief pause, as she calmly replied, "Have a seat please." He noticed a shift in her demeanor, which told him, she was ready to talk. He removed his coat, and sat on the couch. Much calmer, she walked over and sat down on the couch too, with a cushion between them.
Armed with words she'd practiced a dozen times or better. She faced him, and said, "Fitz, I know you're angry with me, for leaving without talking to you first. But I had to do something, so you'd finally listen to me. I needed you to hear me." Thinking she was volleying the ball to his court, for a response. He replied, "I did listen to you Liv, I told you Charlotte would take over the first lady duties. I just asked you to be on my arm for various events, not all of them."
Hearing his response, her frustration level rose as she said, "Damn it Fitz! What part of listen to me don't you understand?" Initially, he was shocked by her response, but then realized he wasn't listening, he was defending his position. Immediately he saw the rage in her eyes, and reached out to her apologetically, but she pulled away.
Quickly understanding he was being presumptuous and defensive. He immediately said, "I'm sorry Liv. I am listening. I promise this time. Go ahead." She saw remorse in his eyes, so she started again, as she said, "Fitz, it's not just the first lady duties, its living in the Whitehouse period. I don't want to live there. I've never wanted to live there. I know we talked about plans for you to divorce Mellie, and for us to be together. But honestly, I never thought it would happen. Then when it happened, I wanted to be happy, I tried to be happy baby. I really did. Because it meant we were together. But, I just couldn't get myself over the hump." He saw the tears formed in her eyes again, threatening to breach her eye lids, and it again caused a hurt in his gut, and his heart, to see her emotionally struggling to finish her thought.
She continued as she said, "If being with you means…." She closed her eyes, and the tears began to roll down her cheeks. She couldn't say the rest of her sentence. Not without help. So he reached for her, and took her hand, as he encouragingly said, "Go ahead Liv. Finish." She took a breath, and said, "If being with you, means losing myself. I just can't do that."
As soon as she spoke the words, the damn of tears brewing in her eyes broke, and she sobbed, as she finally got the words out. He wanted to hold her. But he knew she was too upset to be touched, and she wasn't done. So he let her have her space, and have her time to express how she felt.
As the tears fell, she said, "Fitz, I love you so much, and I want you so badly, I want us so badly. But I want this. I want you and me here. I don't want the Whitehouse. That's what this is about. This dinner, the decorations, the tree. I wanted you and me without the crown jewel, and I want you to want this too. Do you, or can you want this version of us, instead of us in the Whitehouse?"
Fitz sat in the moment in thought. He watched her and saw how sad she looked, and how upset she was over this. He appreciated her honesty and for the first time he realized, he hadn't heard her at all. All those months living together he never really heard her, and he instantly felt terrible for not listening, and leaving her to do this just to get his attention.
As he reflected on their time together up to that point. He continued to hold her hand, and she gripped his hand back, which made him smile inside. He knew that meant she was aware he was trying to be there for her, in the way she needed him to be. He was considering her feelings and thoughts first and not his own. He was actually listening, and she appreciated his efforts.
During the silence Fitz took some time to let her words settle; so he could respond appropriately. He looked at her and saw her dab her eyes with a tissue, and he finally reached for her. She looked at him and conceded as she climbed into his lap. She looked up at him once she got settled; and he peered down into her tear stained eyes, and kissed her red nose. She smiled at him after the kiss and then she pulled his lips to hers, kissing him sweetly, then settled into his arms, with her head in his chest, waiting for his reply. Because she knew, he heard her.
They must have sat in silence together for a solid hour, before anything else was said. But when the silence broke. Fitz simply said, "Yes." She looked up at him and asked, "Yes what?" He smiled as he responded, "Now who's not listening? You asked me a question, and I never answered you."
She grinned as she said, "Touché." They shared a kiss that settled them both and when it broke she looked at him, and saw his face soften. The crackling of the fire place, and the shadow of the flames added warmth to the moment. She could see he was struggling to get the words out. So she touched his face as she said, "It's okay Fitz. I'm not going anywhere, take your time."
He sat for a few minutes as she laid her head on his chest listening to his heartbeat, as he held her and they enjoyed the fireplace. Until his voice broke the silence and she looked up at him. In his eyes she saw genuine guilt and regret. Tears formed in his eyes as he said, "Liv, I didn't mean to push you to this point. Selfishly, I convinced myself moving you in with me against your will, was the best thing for us and you."
He took a breath and continued, "I told myself it was about keeping you safe. But now I have to admit it was more about wanting to keep you with me, and keep everyone else away from you. I tried to control you Liv, and I knew that was wrong when I did it. But I felt so desperate. I was so afraid of losing you again I felt like I had to do something to keep from losing you. And now, as I sit here with you. I just pray you can forgive me. Because I am beyond sorry for doing that to you. You deserve so much better, and I swear I will never do that again."
She was over taken by his honesty. She saw the tears roll down his cheeks, and all she wanted to do, was hold him, and kiss him. She forgave him right then and there. That's all she wanted from him. She just wanted him to be honest about his intentions, and he did it. She stroked his face while staring into his baby blues. Then she held him tight and kissed his tears, until he was done.
When the tears ceased Fitz looked at Liv with a search for forgiveness in her eyes, and Liv felt like she too needed to apologize. He wasn't the only one who took the ball and tried to run with it. So she said, "Fitz, thank you for apologizing. I really appreciate it. But I owe you one too. I haven't been honest enough, or insistent enough in telling you how I felt, and I let my emotions build up, which wasn't fair. Lately out of frustration, which I admit is no excuse. I've been distant and uncommunicative, and clearly that wasn't the answer. So for that reason, I am very sorry too."