In her mind, it was a sound approach. But she didn't realize how flawed her logic was until after the fact. The truth is, she too experienced a resurgence of grief for Jerry. A child she too adored and missed terribly. But, how could she compare her grief to Fitz's.
There was no comparison; so she thought sitting in wait for him, and allowing him his time to grieve again was the most important move she could make. It's the least she could do. After all, she still held a lot of guilt in her heart about Jerry's death. But, in her head. She believed that was her permanent cross to bear. So, her pain, her grief, her struggle was insignificant to his, and everyone else's.
Over time, she tried to stay the course; thinking soon enough. Things would work out for the best. Eventually she'd get what she needed emotionally. Once his needs were met and he was back to normal. He could again be back in the business of helping balance her, and care for her. Helping her get through her emotional unrest.
Despite all signs pointing to this approach being unhealthy and unwise. She continued the behavior for as long as she could. Ignoring her own feelings for the sake of those around her, she felt were more important.
Constantly, whenever she was having a moment; where she needed to lay down her burdens. She would tighten back up, and trudge on, for the sake of Fitz and Ella.
And while she thought she was doing a great job of keeping up for appearances. Because she was fooling Fitz. She found out after speaking with Abby, the day after everything unfolded.
She wasn't fooling her. Abby tried to break through to her, and get her to let her in. But she remained tight lipped. And, Abby didn't want to press her. But, she told her, one day she was going to break, and she hoped that when it happened; she remembered she had people around her that are here for her.
She appreciated her concern, and she heard her. But, all she could think about was poor Ella. As she realized she'd have to deliver that news to a 5 year old little girl. Who one day went to school, saying good-bye to her father for the last time.
Still, Abby told her. Regardless of what she knew Fitz and Ella were going through. She too was allowed to grieve and be acknowledged. Simply put she told her, "You matter too. Just as much as everyone else."
It was after that conversation the stress of her emotional upheaval took a toll on her the most, as well as her relationship with Fitz. She'd tried to push through, and be strong for herself, Fitz, and Ella. But, inside she was falling apart. And just as Abby predicted, it was happening whether she wanted it to or not.
On one hand, she was waiting for Fitz to be available to her as her helpmate; so he could be there for her. And she felt selfish for feeling that way; understanding that he was a grieving parent. But on the other hand, she again, felt anxiety, waiting for him to be angry with her due to her father's hand in his son being dead, simply because he fell in love with his daughter.
In years past, Olivia would allow herself to regress into self-pity, and rage. And pick up and run when her needs were not being met. And she'd be lying if she said now that she didn't consider it. But, the reality is she didn't run.
Instead, she reached out to Dr. Baker. And she was able to get a handle on her thoughts and feelings about what they were going through collectively, with regard to grief. And, she got added assistance with alleviating herself from feeling responsible for Jerry's death. A struggle that had plagued her for so many years, despite Fitz repeatedly telling her she wasn't responsible for it in his eyes.
Regardless, she held on to that belief despite his insistence, and she knew she was carrying that burden. After speaking with her therapist she was able to sit down and talk to Fitz for the first time about what she was feeling about the entire ordeal. And like so many times before, he listened. He listened and heard her, despite him also being in pain.
During that conversation she saw the hurt in his eyes and he saw the hurt in hers too. And, they cried together. Together they wept for Jerry for the first time, and they felt settled when it was over. It was like a large cloud that had been looming over them lifted, but it wasn't completely gone.
Unsure of what to do, she reached out again to Abby for help. Abby gladly talked to her about her feelings, and recommended a self-help book on grief. Feeling hopeful, she and Fitz read it together, and it helped articulate what they thought they were both experiencing.
After reading the book together and discussing where they were emotionally. It was then they both realized that they can come together to help each other heal. When she went to her next session; he went with her. And they talked to Dr. Baker about grief, and how it had affected them and their relationship.
Hoping to get a sense of how to continue to move through the emotions of it all, without reservation. They agreed to be honest while in session. So they could truly work on their emotional struggles.
In their first session, Olivia took the lead. She'd already decided if she was ever going to be free of her guilt. She had to trust the safety of the therapist's office.
So, she took a leap of faith she didn't know would pan out or not. And she was rewarded in spades. Because afterwards, she felt free. And when Dr. Baker shared her perspective on what Olivia had expressed. Fitz realized something he'd never considered before.
In the past, many times; he'd always told her he didn't hold her responsible for Jerry's passing; thinking that was enough to absolve her guilt. But he never considered that her guilt was hers alone, and ultimately it was hers to handle, regardless of what he felt about it. This was a lesson they both learned.
In the end, your partner isn't responsible for making you happy; you are responsible for your own feelings and actions. Your partner can only help you by being supportive and attentive; but the rest is up to you as an individual. Understanding also, your feelings are just as important as the next person's. So taking care of yourself is essential to you being available to take care of others.
After a few sessions, Olivia finally felt as if the cloud following them had not just shifted, shrunk to a manageable size. For so long, she'd never doubted their love for one another; but she questioned the durability of it when it came to losing Jerry, due to the circumstances surrounding his death.
But, in that moment when they were standing together facing the one thing that she always saw as the iceberg that could sink them; she had hope for them moving past that fear.
After multiple sessions they now feel reinvigorated about their situation, and with a better understanding of how to move forward together, in an emotionally healthy and balanced way. They feel stronger and better prepared as they began to navigate the perils of their unique situation.
It's been almost three weeks since they laid Cyrus and Michael to rest, and have carved out somewhat of a normal and balanced life for themselves and Ella. But, they have made it to a point in their dynamic where they are getting more comfortable by the day.
As her thoughts settle of what led them to where they are right now on their journey. She is awakened by a familiar kiss on her lips. She smiles as she looks at her love. He's lying next to her with tired eyes, and a sweet smile as he says, "A penny for your thoughts." She grins as she responds, "You don't have enough pennies." He strokes her face sweetly as he says, "I should get a discount."
She chuckles as she replies, "Maybe. If I were in a giving mood." Triggered by her word play, he grins mischievously as he replies, "Well, you know I'm no stranger to being in a giving mood." Her nub quakes as she recalls vividly how giving he truly has been on so many occasions. And just like that she finds herself caught up in the undertow of a love session, she willingly relents to, and he happily capitalizes on. Making up for being tardy for their rendezvous.
Thank you for reading my fan fiction tale. So, now we know Cyrus' transgressions. I'm curious to know if any of you saw that coming or not. It's certainly a game changer in every way, right? So much was addressed in this installment. But not everything is tied up in a neat bow.
Olitz is trying to chip away at all of the major issues that have surrounded their relationship from day one to current day. And, they are making progress. But, there's so much still yet unresolved. In the next installment we find out how they deal with the continuing path of their journey. The elephant in the room threatening their future will be reconciled in the next installment. Can any of you guess what it may be? See you next time.