Olivia admittedly replies, "I honestly couldn't put anything pass my parents Dr. Baker. As you know, my childhood is full of crazed moments between them arguing, causing total chaos amidst the family more often than not. I absolutely hated it, it was always a no win situation." She nods as she replies, "Yes. Most notably, you mentioned sometimes being forced to participate in their arguments."
Suddenly Olivia remembers what she's referencing. One time her mother made a pot roast. And her father asked her which one was better, hers or his. And, she chose his. Her mother said she wasn't upset with her, but she could tell by her demeanor that wasn't true.
Snapping out of her thoughts she says, "if I am right, this could be about once again tapping me between them, while they try to eviscerate each other in front of me. And knowing my mother, she wouldn't have it any other way." She doesn't want to, but she has to agree with her that this will not turn out well by any means. And, it's plausible that this is once again a ploy for her parents to control her emotionally.
Wanting to check in with her at this point, she asks, "What are you feeling right now Olivia?" Her insides are rummaging around, and she feels like her head is heavy. She knows her emotions are taking over, as the anxiety is building in her chest. Refusing to let herself get overwhelmed, and choosing to let it out. She decisively takes a breath as she honestly replies, "I'm feeling frustrated, angry, and stressed all in one."
Dr. Baker sees the impending emotional fall out about to occur. She's reading her body language and facial expressions as they continually shift. Compassionately, she asks, "Can you talk to me about what's connected to those feelings?"
She blows air out of her mouth as she grabs a tissue from the tissue box in front of her, as tears filling her eyes breach her lids. As the tears begin rolling down her cheeks; she dabs her eyes and takes deep breaths to calm herself first. She has to get her words together, and Dr. Baker waits patiently.
Moments later she blurts out, "I am angry because i feel like no matter what i do. My parents will always be able to affect me in some way. And I am frustrated that i care enough to allow their antics to bother me, when I know there's nothing I can do to stop them. So the question is why can't i stop caring about them?"
She's feeling the rawness of her emotions, and the hurt that's welling up inside slowly releasing as she cries. The therapist doesn't interject, she lets her continue as she says, "I have enough professional stress to deal with, I don't need to waste any time stressing about people who honestly don't give a damn about me! They both use what I represent to piss off each other at will. I'm always been nothing more than a pawn for them to push back and forth, and I'm tired of it! I just want and need it to stop!"
Hearing the words flow from her own lips; she allows her tears to roll down her cheeks freely. The more her tears flow, the calmer she seems to get. It's like someone is slowly letting the air out of a tight balloon little by little, greatly relieving the built up pressure. But then her train of thought shifts, as her inner voice asks, what are you doing? How old are you again?
Dr. Baker sees she's beyond the visible emotional expression, by way of her tears stopping, and decides to inquire, as she sees her slipping into thought. Taking a breath first, she quietly asks, "What are you thinking about now?" Surprisingly she quickly responds, "Honestly, I'm thinking of how ridiculous it is for a 34 year old woman to be crying because her parents don't care about her, or having a relationship with her."
In a nurturing tone she replies, "Olivia, there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. Don't mock your emotions. Everybody wants to be loved and appreciated, especially by the people they value, like their parents. After all, they are responsible for giving us life."
Hearing her response, she dabs her eyes as she replies, "The issue here doctor is I didn't realize how much my mother's push and pull dynamic with my father affected me until now. And i can't understand why I can't seem to let it go." Dr. Baker nods as she replies, "So you're liking her relationship with your father, as the same as your relationship with her?"
Olivia sits back as she says, "Yes. It appears my mother is simply incapable of expressing any other emotions, except for anger or disappointment. Something she never missed a chance to convey to either of us from time to time. When that anger switch activates, she can go scorched earth in 60 seconds flat, and God help the target of her ire."
Dr. Baker's curiosity is peaked, as she replies, "It sounds like you've bared the brunt of some very traumatic events where she's concerned. Care to share an example of what you've witnessed or endured at her hand when she's enraged?"
She hears her question, and it immediately reminds her that although she's right to ask the question. She's in no position to share too much of the ugliness of her family dynamic. If she did, she's confident every law enforcement group in the world would be alerted given the transgressions of her parents. But just as she settles her mind around how to respond to the question posed, it hits her.
She says, "It's no specific event, it's every event" Dr. Baker probes further, "What do you mean?" She takes a breath as she responds, "Basically, my mother triggers people purposely, because it's the only way she feels in control. If she doesn't set the tone or narrative, she doesn't feel comfortable. So she takes over to make sure she's not the one on the outside looking in." As the words settle in the air Olivia leans back on the couch as if she has truly figured out something that has eluded her for quite some time.
Dr. Baker is impressed with her response as she says, "Wow. That's a deep resolution you've come to today Olivia. How do you feel about it?" She pauses, then replies, "Like for once things are making sense." Dr. Baker asks, "How is that?"
As she cleans her face she responds, "Generally speaking? How about the fact that I've had serious trust issues all my life? Or the fact that I never felt loved, or understood what love was until I met Fitz in my late twenties? Because I always saw every relationship I had as a way to get something out of it, without having a real connection with the person. There's an endless list of struggles I've had due to my upbringing. I could go on for hours. But I don't want to do that. I refuse to give my parents or my past anymore of my energy."
Dr. Baker nods as she says, "So you're claiming your power back?" Olivia nods in response as she replies, "Yes. I am." Seeing their session is about over, she says, "Although we're out of time Olivia. I know it's defeating to realize your strategies in dealing with your parents aren't bullet proof. But, please understand the techniques you implore are designed to give you peace of mind, not necessarily separate you from them completely. And, it's apparent to me that although you willingly used distancing as a measure to withdraw from them, secretly you thought they'd still reach out to you, because they missed you. And you didn't expect to miss them. But that hasn't happened, so you're angry."
She sees her processing what she's saying, but she continues as she says, "The idea of whether your parents will someday forge a healthy relationship with you is not something you can control. Learning to be concerned with only what you know you can control, is the best thing for you to do. So I implore you to continue doing that. Just as you've realized today in this very session, it is completely possible that your parents fighting has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them and who they are as a dynamic. But can you find a way to stay out of their conflict?"
She nods as she replies, "Yes I can. Because there's nothing positive my presence or my attention will bring to that situation." She nods and smiles as she replies, "exactly, don't show up to events you're not invited to." Olivia responds, "Thanks doctor. I will take that to heart. This session has been very helpful."
Dr. Baker smiles as she says, "I'm glad to hear that. Good work today. Will I see you in two weeks?" She smiles in return as she replies, "Thanks. Yes. I will be sure to keep my next appointment."
They stand up and Dr. Baker replies, "Good. I'll be here. You take care. And I will see you then, okay?" She nods as she responds, "Thanks. You do the same. See you then." They waive at one another and Olivia leaves her office with a refreshed view.
The session served as confirmation of what she and Huck discussed earlier. As long as her parents are alive, they'll always be a factor in her life. Even if she's not dealing with them directly.
As she gets into the waiting car, she sits back in the seat and allows her mind to clear. The reality can no longer be ignored. A decision has to be made. She simply can't have her cake and eat it too. As she ponders what to do next, the car ride lulls her and gives her the moment of peace she needs, to think. Because her conversation with Fitz promises to be one that's been a long time coming.
Thank you for reading my fanfiction tale. The emotions of everything are coming to a head. Not only does Olivia have to deal with the potential of Rosen coming to see her regarding Warren. But, she has to think about how to deal with the fallout from her father and Jake's beef, causing people to be killed. Add her unsettled issues with her mother's neglect, and you basically have a roaring dumpster fire.
In the next installment we find out what Olivia means by thinking she cannot have her cake and eat it too. We also find out how she deals with the reality that she cannot erase her parents, and how Fitz responds to a much needed conversation they need to have. See you next time in the next installment of the Pathway to Vermont.