I lingered outside her door longer than necessary. I didn't want to leave her. Seeing her whole and well had calmed my anxiety, at least temporarily. How had this happened? Whatever this connection was between us, it was getting out of hand. I hadn't meant to pull her into my nightmare, didn't even know it was possible. I'd fallen asleep at my desk, agonizing over the way the night had turned out, over Alina. Always Alina. She was just about the only thing I could think of anymore. It was driving me mad. I thought I had more control than this. But not enough, it seemed, to stop me from pulling her into one of my darkest memories.

The dream had always been the same, I'd known what to expect. The soldiers would raise their bows to strike and I'd create the Fold, ripping pieces of myself apart with merzost, ripping the world apart. The pain had become second nature, the nightmare coming often enough that I'd grown almost accustomed to it. But that went out the window when I realized Alina was there. I could feel her in the back of my mind, confused but there. Not just a figment of my nightmare. "There's one of the witches now!" They saw her too. My heart dropped and I stiffened. Irrational fear slammed into me even though I knew it wasn't real, she wouldn't actually be hurt. I spun around. She stood a few feet away, clad only in a nightgown. Beautiful as always.

"Alina…" no no no no no this isn't right. She wasn't suppose to be here, the soldiers were suppose to focus on me, not her. This wasn't how it was suppose to play out. "It's time for this to end I think. Kill them both."

No no no no no no no no no no

The first arrow struck before I could react. Her scream morphed into a whimper when the second arrow hit and then I was moving, broken from my haze. She'd ripped out the first arrow before I could stop her, moaning and covering the wound. There was already so much blood. I dropped to my knees and pressed my hands against hers. No no no not her no please no. I'd seen so many people die, so many loved ones. Luda. But this. This was worse than anything I could ever imagine. Watching that light in her beautiful eyes dim shattered me. I hardly felt the arrow as it hit my shoulder, allowing only a sharp grunt. This isn't suppose to happen…I-I don't understand… It was suppose to be a dream, I knew it was a dream, but it felt so real. The blood that coated my hands felt so real, her pain was real, I could feel it stabbing against the back of my brain. I had promised not to hurt her. And now she was bleeding out below me, because of me. It's not real. It's not real. The pain that surged through me as another few arrows found their mark in my back certainly felt real enough. I couldn't help letting another grunt out.

"Aleksander…" Her blood was soaking through my fingers, and I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. Was this my punishment? If it was, why drag Alina into it? She'd done nothing wrong. She didn't deserve this.

Then she was gone, disappearing from my arms. The only evidence she was there at all was the blood on the ground, the arrow, my hands, and the memory of her bleeding below me. I didn't think I'd ever forget that. I stared at my bloody hands for what felt like years before I could get my bearings back. It was just a dream, Alina is fine. I needed to get back to her, see with my own eyes that she was okay. I couldn't get her face out of my mind.

As soon as I woke, I rushed to her. Only managing a loud, quick knock before rushing inside. And at once I could breathe again. She was safe. She wore the same nightgown, this one bereft of blood and tears. I hadn't realized I was moving toward her, or that there was anyone else there, until Genya moved out of the way. I stopped, finding some sense in the back of my head. She shouldn't see me like this. Thankfully Alina had sent her away, leaving us alone. I couldn't help but gravitate to her, ending up as close as I dared, perched at the end of her bed. Any closer and I wouldn't be able to stop myself from pulling her into my arms. Where she belonged. She asked about the dream, but I had no answers for her. How had I pulled her into my dream? What had sparked this connection? And of course it had to be one of the memories I least wanted to share with her.

Everything had gone wrong so quickly. One moment I had Alina in my arms, kissing her like my very life depended on it. Sometimes I thought it did. The next, my mother was trying to steal her away, take her from me, and I'd been furious beyond belief. That blasted woman had ruined everything. She'd manipulated Alina, taken away my chance to tell her the truth myself. I had planned to, eventually, but hadn't found the right way yet. A way that wouldn't end with her hating me, like she did now. But what could I say?

But. She had stayed. She hadn't fled with Baghra, she had stayed. She'd raged and shut me out, but she was still here. Surely if she thought me beyond redemption, she'd have fled. I refused to miss the chance to finally be honest with her. I'd told her everything, even if I'd been a little cynical, telling the story as if it was someone else's. It had been nice to be fully honest with someone after so many years. I could handle her not wanting to look at me, as long as she was there.

I'd never meant to get this caught up in her. She was just suppose to be a means to an end, and perhaps a companion for eternity. Perhaps I'd have loved her eventually but I had assumed it would take years for that to happen. Not mere moments. I was doomed from the start. I'd had plans for the Sun Summoner for hundreds of years. How to control her, to use her against our enemies and yet… that all seemed to disappear when she finally came into my life. I'd never understood the concept of soulmates until her. Alina Starkov. My Sun Summoner. My equal. My other half. I never realized how much of myself was missing until she had been quite literally dragged into my life.

I hadn't meant to fall in love with her. But I couldn't help myself. I wanted her so badly. I'd waited so long for her. She was made for me, I could feel it in my bones. And My Alina… Did she feel it too? Did she want this as badly as I did?

The worst of it was how I could still feel her there, in the back of my mind. I knew how angry, betrayed she still felt. How conflicted she felt, because she felt the same pull that I did.

What am I suppose to do now? I'm a selfish man. She was right, I won't let her go. Not now. I couldn't be without her now. I'd spent too many years without her to let her go. But I couldn't, wouldn't, force her. I meant what I said. I will not take her powers, or her will, from her. Hurting her is the last thing I wanted to do. It also seemed to be what I was doing most.

I sighed, running a hand over my tired face and took a final longing look at her door. Sleep well my Alina.

Unfortunately I couldn't stand here all night, I needed sleep as well. The conversation with Alina would need to be picked up in the morning, and I needed a clear head if I was going to convince her to forgive me. I made my way back to my War Room, passing my desk, piled high with reports as always, and into my bedroom.

She was all I could think about, as usual, as I stripped down and climbed into bed. How she'd look here in my room, how she'd look laid out on my bed. The pretty sounds I'd draw from her…

I groaned and tried to shake the thoughts away. It was going to be a long night.