After the embarrassing exchange with Genya and Aleksander, we retreated back to my suite. She'd simply smiled and winked, when shown the fingerprint bruises on my hips, wiping them away. "Our little secret. But I will get all of the details later!" She promised with a laugh, before leaving to attend to the Queen. After the whirlwind of the Winter Fëte, and the events after, I needed the distraction of my lessons. First was combat training.

Thankfully Botkin showed no mercy. In fact he worked us harder than ever. I could almost focus on nothing but the rigorous training. Almost. Marie's absence was all too noticeable. I found myself continuously turning to ask her something, remembering too late that she wouldn't be there. Wouldn't ever be there again.

The class was unusually quiet, the events of last night leaving a somber air behind. Nadia had run laps rather than spar, and when she passed I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks. My heart ached and my vision blurred with tears of my own. My fault.

I was distracted enough that Botkin sent me to join Nadia running laps. She offered a sad smile and we ran in silence. With nothing to distract me, my erratic thoughts took over again.

Last night had been intense. It seemed almost like a fever dream.

Aleksander had all but admitted that he was in love with me.

Moya Lyubov. My love.

Aleksander who was also the Black Heretic. Aleksander who could somehow enter my dreams. Aleksander who could make my body sing for him with the lightest of touches. Aleksander who'd planned to collar me, take my power for his own. Aleksander who then promised to never hurt me, to never leave me.

My mind looped back and forth, and I couldn't settle on whether I was angry at what he'd done and what he'd planned or that he didn't tell me the truth of it himself. Or at myself for trusting him still. Was I being naïve? Probably.

He could still enact all of his plans, still collar me and bend me to his will. Something in me knew he wouldn't. Wanted to believe he did love me.

Did I feel the same?

I'd been getting glimpses, quick flashes really, of what he felt for me through this new bond. But it was still too much. His emotions were all-consuming. Everything I felt seemed so paltry in comparison.

When he touched me it was so hard to think straight. The only thoughts I could ever manage was how right it felt. Like I was meant to be wrapped up in his arms. Like I was his. He certainly believed it. I wanted so badly to believe it.

But that couldn't be right. Who was I? Just a scared little orphan girl playing at sun summoner. This had to be a cruel joke by fate. Everyone has been waiting for years, only to be stuck with me. How could I possibly be what they wanted? No one ever wanted me.

They still didn't. They wanted Santka Alina the Sun Summoner. The one that would save the country, that would destroy the Fold. Not me, just what they thought I was, what they thought I could do.

Nadia's hand on my shoulder broke me from my thoughts and I looked around to see everyone leaving. The lesson must be over. Nadia gave me another sad smile and left me alone again. I could only imagine what she was going through. Marie had only been my friend for weeks, not years.

My next lesson would normally be summoning with Baghra. My feet took me to her hut while my mind spun. There would be no one there and I needed to be alone. My eyes were blurring with tears already and I did not want anyone to see them. My traitorous thoughts kept plowing ahead.

Maybe that's the girl Aleksander wanted too. The girl he thought I was. He said so himself, he'd been waiting for me for centuries. Maybe one day he'd realize his mistake, and that I didn't live up to his expectations. Realize that there was a reason I've always been alone. No one ever stuck around…

No. Nope. Can't do this right now. I took a deep breath and did my best to banish the thoughts from my mind. I needed another distraction.

I opened the door, for once not being yelled at about letting the heat out. The hut seemed even smaller without her in it, but only because I could see it clearly for the first time. Had I really never noticed the shadows lingering in the corners? They'd kept most of the room obscured, no matter how brightly the fire burned. There was no fire today. No Baghra.

Despite my many lessons here, I'd never really looked around. I found myself perusing the main room. Anything to distract myself from the whirlwind of my thoughts.

Tucked off in a tiny corner, that was normally covered by shadows, was a small bookshelf. It seemed to mostly consist of Grisha history. Many of the same books I'd been assigned to read, to catch up on all I had missed.

One book stood out from the rest, a worn and dirty binding I couldn't quite read. I pulled it out and looked at the cover. It was written in Old Ravken, a language I, unfortunately, couldn't read. Except for the name. The name I recognized. Ilya Morozova. Aleksander's grandfather. The man who created the amplifiers that Aleksander wanted to present me with. Sankt Ilya.

Did he know this was here? He'd told me he had poured over almost all of the journals, though his mother had told him a few had been lost to history. Was she lying, or was this one he deemed unnecessary? I decided to grab it, resolved to ask him about it. If nothing else, maybe I could convince him to teach me a bit of Old Ravken. I knew I was probably getting my hopes up a bit, but I hoped the journal would help.

Perhaps it could tell us about this strange bond that had formed between us, what it meant, and why it was created.

Perhaps it could tell me why I felt the way I did for him. Why the world felt duller without him close by. Why he felt so much like home.

Maybe it could tell me what exactly Baghra had done to suppress my powers. And, hopefully, how to stop it from happening again. Reaching for my light and not being able to feel it had been terrifying. I'd do anything to keep that from happening again.

I'd forgotten to ask Aleksander about it last night. He seemed as troubled by it as I did. Had his mother hidden this strange ability from him? 500 years was an awful long time to keep a secret like that. Who knows what else she'd been hiding.

I shivered. This was not the distraction I was hoping for.