The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur, the journal burning a hole in my pocket. The curiosity was killing me. Even if it couldn't answer any of my questions, I'd never held such a piece of history in my hands before. The journal of a saint. An actual saint. Not a false one like me.

I made my way back to Aleksander's chambers before dinner. Marie's funeral would be after and I wanted to help in someway. Nothing I could do would ever bring her back, but maybe I could help honor her the way she deserved. I had to try.

The closer I came to him, the stronger our tether seemed to become. It'd been thrumming in the back of my head all day, and I'd done my best to ignore it, ignore him. Now, outside the door, I reopened the connection, curious what I'd find. The Oprichniki guarding the door gave me an odd look at my lingering, but made no move to stop me.

At first, there was nothing, and I was beginning to feel a little silly. Should I really be trying to spy on him? I was just about to give up. Then, little things started slipping through. It was mostly emotions at first; annoyance, apprehension, weariness. I did my best to push a little further, wondering how deep this connection of ours went.

I smiled in victory when bits of thoughts floated through, almost giddy with the discovery. So far I'd only felt his thoughts when he touched me. It seemed that our bond was growing stronger and stronger as the hours passed. I didn't know if it scared me or thrilled me more.

Have to find the boy. She'll be upset. Stupid old hag. Ruining everything… Hello Milaya. Eavesdropping?

I gulped and slammed the connection back closed. My cheeks flamed. Wonderful.

Are you going to stand out there all evening? Clearly I didn't have nearly as much control over this tether as I'd hoped. I could feel his amusement peeking through, and that ever-present affection.

I'd decided it was best not to acknowledge it for what it was. Perhaps if I didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much when everything inevitably came crashing down. When I ended up alone again.

I pushed the thoughts away quickly, not wanting him to catch a whiff of them, of my weakness. Nodding to the Oprichniki, I opened the door, not bothering to knock.

I realized I'd not been successful when I saw the sad, but knowing look on his face. Because of course he would understand. How long had he been alone? Hundreds of years? He rose from his chair to meet me, closing the distance between us quickly.

"Alina…" I don't want to talk about it right now. It was the last thing I wanted to talk about really.

"I wanted to ask you about Marie's service." He stared at me for a long moment, before sighing and motioning for me to continue.

"I want to help in some way. I need to. I owe her that much at least…"

The funeral was a quiet, somber affair. At Aleksander's suggestion, I joined the other Inferni to light Marie's pyre. It wasn't nearly enough to repay what she'd done for me, but it was a small start.

Once the pyre was lit, the other Grisha began to slowly trickle out. A Grisha from each, Corporalki, Etherealki, and Materialki would remain by the pyre until the flames finally burned out. It would be a long affair, but I couldn't make myself move, staring at the flames.

Aleksander stood at my side, close enough to touch, but I didn't dare to. Not here in the open, surrounded by the other Grisha, where anyone could notice. It made this thing between us more real somehow. Outside of Genya and Baghra, no one really knew the extent of our relationship. Saints, I wasn't even sure I knew the extent of our relationship. I did know I didn't need anymore unnecessary attention right now.

On the other hand, there was nothing I wanted more than to reach out for him. Confused as he made me, there was still nothing more comforting I could imagine than his embrace.

Now we were among the few remaining, the pyre burning steadily. And still I couldn't move. I couldn't tell how long I'd stood there already. Marie was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't know how to accept it. I thought seeing the pyre, lighting the flames would've made it real. But it hadn't. Somehow I still expected her to be at breakfast in the morning, laughing with Nadia as if nothing had happened. Tears blurred my vision suddenly, trickling down my cheeks.

Are you alright Alina? His warm hand closed the distance between us and clasped mine.

No. I hadn't realized I was shaking until he pulled me closer, letting go of my hand to wrap his arms around me. I buried my head into his chest, gripping the front of his kefta tightly. Screw it. Let them get an eyeful.

I'm so sorry Milaya. Eventually it gets easier. I'm sure he meant the words to be comforting, but it had the opposite effect. How many people was I going to lose? If I really lived as long as he said I would, would my life just be a revolving door of watching my loved ones age and die? Or killed far too soon? A sob tore out of my throat and he pulled me closer. Sliding a large hand up my back, he settled it on the back of my neck, and I could feel an almost forced calm settling over me. My first impulse was to fight it, but I was getting so tired of fighting him.

Shhhh… It's going to be alright. Don't fight it. I've got you now, Milaya. Relax. My labored breathing slowing, I released my death grip on his kefta, flattening my palms against his chest instead as I caught my breath. I relished the warmth and comfort of his embrace, sighing in contentment as his hand slid up my neck to tangle in my hair.

Why don't we go inside? It's getting cold out here. I didn't really want to move, too caught up in the warmth and safety of his arms. But it was getting cold.

"Okay." I finally whispered, letting him take my hand and lead me back toward the palace. I knew my night was far from over though. Aleksander was leading me away from one problem, straight into another one.

We needed to be talk.