It's been a while…
Tris : main chercher, when Beatrice died, she was sent to pretend to be her and to be the bureau's new eyes and ears.
David : head of the Bureau.
Four : also known as Tobias, the transfer institute instructor. Sceptical of Tris.
I don't know what came over me but I suddenly felt really sick so I ran to the bathroom.
It's nothing new that I'm throwing up but like this was different. Iw wasn't the normal "because of radiation" sick but something else. It's not pregnancy, that's impossible, I am allergic to one of the ingredients but I don't get like this
"You alright in there?" I hear someone, I think Four, say.
"Ya just perfect," I say then throw up again.
Then I remembered, I didn't lock the door. Shit. I don't dare think about the cleanes of the room, it gets cleaned once every three to four years, whether it needs it or not.
"Tris?" He asks, I don't respond. "Do you need… something? I can go get someone if you need it."
If I were a romantic type, I would have fallen head over heels for him already. But I'm not either of those things.
"No, I'm good, I just need some time," I say. I don't know why but I felt bad when I said that.
"Ok," he pauses for a minute. "Tris?"
"Ya."
"What was your fear?" I get his question, there are no cameras or mics around here so no one could overhear what we say.
"If you tell me yours, I'll tell you mine."
I can feel in hesitation, does he want to tell one of his initiates what he fears the most?
"Hights," he sais. I chuckle.
"Something that I don't know."
"But I told you one of my fears, now yours."
I think about it for a second. "Feeling."
"What? Feeling how?"
"Anything, joy is always followed by pain or sadness or grath."
Yes, I might have dark thoughts but I'm not suicidal, justit's just that when you have been through alot, you have thoughts but you always have something that makes you keep going. Mine is family.
"Was that what happened in your landscape?" He asked
"Yeah."
"How?"
I'm not sure how to answer, I don't want to lie to him but I can't tell him the truth, not yet, not sure if ever.
"In a way." After he didn't say anything, I decided to add on. "It's not like a fear of bugs or dogs or heights, it was one that no matter how many times I go through it in life or in the landscape, it's always going to be in the landscape and won't change."
He sighs as he slides down to wall on the opposite side of me.
"I know what that's like."
I know, I wanted to say, I could tell he was hurting and remembering his past and all that Marcus did to him.
"Death." I say suddenly.
"What?"
"My next fear. What would happen to my family if I died? And how could I let anyone I love die? I've risked my life, my morals and my beliefs for them to be somewhat okay, what would happen if I died? Would it all go to waste or will all the suffering go away?"
When I let my dad beat me, I had to lie to everyone, I kept telling myself it was to keep them safe but was it really? Or did I just do it for myself? I know I should have died manny times, I don't know what kept me alive but no matter what, I would take a bullet for them or else, what was it all for?
"Did they ever get you to stop? If they realised?"
"Some were too, but my brother, he tried to but it almost killed him. It was not as bad as what happened to me but I got used to it. I gave him a good yell the next day, telling him never to do that again. But almost everyone I knew cut me off but he's reaching out and I'm not going to let him slip away."
"Shooting an innocent." Another of his fears? "They teach us here to follow orders basically blindly, and not ask any questions. But I was taught something else when I was younger. I might have been here for a few years but when they teach you something from birth, you can't forget it, no amount of brainwashing can."
"It becomes instinct."
We sat there in silence for a minute. It wasn't awkward.
"You know, when people tell you that you can go tell someone about what happens at home, they think it's so simple." I say
"Yeah, they think that they can help but they don't know what would happen if they know." Four finishes.
We may not be telling each other what happens once the door closes but we understand that we have been through things.
"That's why you always consided, you don't want to hurt them, and I know better than to question your abilities." Four said, I chuckled. "You know, Eric was thinking of having a one on one with you to show you how to fight. I hope for his sake that he decides not to do it."
I don't know what I found funny, except that I was laughing.
It had been years since I laughed. It feels good. I'm not worried about what's going to happen or what I have to do, I'm enjoying the moment.
"Tris?" Four sais after I stopped laughing.
"Yeah?"
"If ever you need something, come see me. Whatever you need, Let me know and I'll be there for you," he says.
"Thanks. And you too, if you need me, just yell."
He chuckles.
"Thanks. Oh and we are doing the fear landscape again. You'll be last so take your time to come." I nod even if he can't see me.
I hear him get up and leave, leaving me to do what I need to.
It feels like even if we don't say everything that happened behind closed doors, we understand, something that no one that has ever been in that situation can do.
I stay in the bathroom for about another half hour. I just think about how my life has changed. I never imagined myself in Chicago. When I was younger (not that I'm old or anything), it was a dream to be here. The other experiments are cool but this one is similar to what it used to be in the world (before the war), but this is putting it to the extreme.
My family is a complete mess. My father doesn't deserve the honor of being a father. My older brother made something of himself. My younger siblings don't know what's happening to them, I don't know if they know I exist. But at least none of them need to worry about my father.
I never really had friends, I couldn't trust anyone so why make friends? But since I've been here, in Chicago, I've made a few, Amar and George in specific. I keep in touch with them as much as I can. I'm happy they have a happy ending.
It's funny how you think that the people you know the best will always stand by you. But in all honesty, they won't. David and I had an understanding, he was in charge but I was the one telling him what to do. But as soon as I did something that would have helped a lot more than he thought (Choosing Dauntless over Erudite), he cut all ties with me. I don't know if anyone remembers me at the Bureau but I hope they weren't fed lies about me.