(Take away the pain-Guardin)

Rewrote this chapter!

CONTINUED FLASHBACK

KOUICHI'S POV

The front door squeaked loudly as it slowly opened. I saw my mother in the kitchen doing dishes and I suddenly felt a little jealous. I can't explain that feeling.

Alright, I've got to keep my head down. I know I look.. upset.. she can't see my face though.. she can't. That will be hard to clarify.

"Hey, honey!" She cooed.

"Hi," I replied quietly, shutting the door behind me.

I put my bag down and avoided eye contact as I briskly walked to my bathroom.

"Kouichi?" She kept a concering tone even with one word.

"I'm just taking a shower!" I tried to answer as lovingly as possible.

The last thing I needed was for her to worry about me. She was already worried about everyone else at the hospital, I needn't add to her stress. I shut the bathroom door and turned the shower on.

That.. was close.. I think. She knows I'm a little.. weird.. I think. She knows, right? Or maybe.. Maybe she's just seeing recently how weird I really can be..

Mother, your son is a loser.

I carefully pulled off my hoodie and laid it on the bathroom counter. I made a mental note to wash it immediately. I stared at my arms while my arms twitched. A couple small wounds had troublesomely reopened. Sadly they bled enough to need bandages again.

My sleeves are sort of damp.. I feel.. sad.

I climbed into the shower and started sobbing silently and privately. I can't go back to school knowing they knew about this. It's humiliating.

The water stings.

Kouji knows.

I stayed in the shower for what seemed like two hours. I know it hadn't been that long but time seemed to go by ever so slowly. I have to calm down. Only I can be this weak behind closed doors. I need to stop being so cowardly around people. They probably sense it; they can smell the blood of a misfit and recreant.

Kouji knowing is something that bothered me increasingly.

Kouji.. don't tell anyone. I can't have anyone mad at me. I'm already so mad at myself. Everyone already thinks I'm so pitiful. Don't they? Don't tell them how pathetic I really I am. They can't know. Maybe they already do..maybe I'm being optimistic.. they obviously hate me.. and keeping to themselves how much.. why do I deserve.. the kindness?

I'm always thinking like this.

Always.

I'm starting to lose track of everything.

When I got out of the shower I instantly threw my hoodie in the washer and put on clothes. Always a black and long sleeve shirt for obvious reasons. My mother had prepared a casserole. It smelled amazing, but my appetite had been minimized. She said it was good for a few days and we can reheat it tomorrow. I took it as a chance to say I wasn't hungry. She put up an argument and hesitantly let me go to my room without dinner. I shut the door and locked it. I was still stupefied over what had just happened today. The anxiety was unreal. I wanted so badly just to tell Kouji I'm sorry. I know he wouldn't never forgive me.

I can't even forgive myself.

Kouji.. does Kouji hate me? Surely, he must. I treated him so terribly this morning.. and there he was.. coming to my rescue.. I'm pathetic, he probably thinks that, too.. I'm surprised he even tried..

He saved me but I'm the worst to him.

I spent the new few hours staring at my phone. Just hoping. I don't know what for.

Well, I do know.

It was almost seven o'clock now and still nothing. I sighed. I was exhausted. I lay on the bed clutching my phone as close to my chest as possible. Ignoring the soreness I felt, I fell asleep.

•••

I woke up profusely sweating and panting. I felt my body aches from tossing and turning in my sleep. I couldn't remember my nightmare, but I awoke terrified and sorrowful. I felt a film of wetness on my cheeks. I sighed and wiped my face with my sleeve. My throat felt dry and it was hard to swallow...

...hard to swallow the truth. I knew the truth. Truth is I'm pathetic.

Why.

Only ten-thirty at night I exhaled lowly thinking it was morning. It felt like it however the darkness through my window showed differently. I glared my phone for not receiving a message even though there were none to receive. I felt alone again.

Loneliness.

My mother left for her night shift already. I walked to her bedroom to check. Nothing. Next, I checked the bathroom, living room and even kitchen. Nothing. She had left me in my solitaire. Not that she knew. The pain I endured from loneliness had numbed. I'm used to this.

I decided to inspect the washer. I frowned, realizing I had fallen asleep and forgot to move it to dry. My dear mother dried it for me. The hoodie looked perfect; on the outside. I gulped, examining the inside of the sleeves.

It was only a blue hoodie, so I could barely notice a small discoloration. Red spotting. It was minor, but still. I hoped she wasn't aware of anything.

BEEP

My heart jumped out of my chest hearing my phone. I stumbled getting it out of my pants pocket. I mentally braced myself for anything. I longed for Kouji's presence. I'm so dependent with him sometimes and it's slightly appalling. Kouji probably messaged me to tell me off and I don't blame him.

I'm a terrible brother. He's right, I am cynical.

Ever since we all got back from the digital world I've only been attacked by own self-pity and sorrow. Plus I'm drowning in my own pessimism. Maybe this is how it was meant to be. After all, I am darkness.

'Go outside. Look at the moon.'

I gawked in disbelief at the message. Kouji had nonchalantly demanded something and me being the loyal dog I am I only wanted to do as he asks and please him. Honestly, I yearned for Kouji. I miss him. I hugged the phone for a second before slipping on my shoes to walk outside. My sleep pants dragged across the ground but I didn't care. I did as I was told. At least I could follow direction.

I sat down on the front porch steps and gazed at the moon. It was full, big and bright. My brother and I had always been night owls. His obsession with the moon was endearing. I repeatedly observed the stars surrounding it. The night was especially clear. No clouds or fog in sight. A slight chill from the night air made me shiver. I pulled my sleeves over my hands to compensate.

For the first time..in a long time.. I feel.. kind of peaceful.

I wondered how long it would last.

"Kouichi..."

I jumped in my seating and stared wide eyed in the direction of the voice. I studied Kouji as he strolled behind me from the shadows. I didn't even notice him there; probably from his all-black clothing. He sat down, I could feel his upset ambience. I didn't speak, just turned towards the ground. I fidgeted with my sleeves, nervous. My tranquility had turned to anxiety.

Kouji sighed gloomily, "..I'm sorry."

I don't understand. Why is he sorry? I'm the one who should apologize. I'm the one who messed up. I always do.

I couldn't speak. My fidgeting grew. I felt my eyes burn and swell. I suddenly became more angry with myself for self-pitying once more. Kouji put his arm around me and rested his warm hand on my shoulder. From my peripherals I saw his gaze. I felt him analyzing me; I felt almost judged.

"I..." Kouji gathered his thoughts as he spoke, "..I didn't.. mean it."

Of course you did. The truth came out. I know I'm a pessimist. I know I'm moody.. and cynical. I know the truth. How you feel about me.. truly.. but.. why can't I speak?

"Kouichi, I'm sorry," he frustratedly repeated his plea, "..please... talk to me."

I don't deserve to talk to you, though. Even one word. You're trying to talk to trash, your brother is nothing.. sorry I suck.

I could feel tears start to spill over. I detested every ounce of myself. I turned away from Kouji. I didn't want him to see me. I knew he saw my tears.

I can't believe he knows my secret. I kept it hidden for so long, my darkness. Why am I such a cry baby? Kouji is probably so tired of me. I'm such a nuisance. I'm always getting into trouble.. and then crying about it..

Sitting closely next to me Kouji embraced me tightly and trembled. I desired to return his embrace and I longed to tell him everything and anything but I didn't know what to say. It's as if my words didn't really matter.

"You can always talk to me, you know? Tell me anything.. when you suffer, I suffer," he reminded me, "..when you're in pain, I'm in pain."

Kouji backed up to face me. He gripped my shoulders heavily. His warmth was so inviting on this cold night. I turned to look at him and felt instantly and immorally disheartened.

We locked eyes for a long-lasting moment before he admitted, "..when you bleed, I bleed."

My eyes widened as I hugged my arms in disbelief. Caught by surprise I had opened my mouth to speak but not a single word came out. We never had an argument like this so I just didn't know what to do or say to make anything better. It's hopeless to think that I could do anything to help this situation. My words aren't a bandaid like his are. Kouji's hands moved down to my elbows and his eyes begged graciously to extend my arms. I kept my eyes on the ground completely hesitant.

"Can I see?" He started, "..Kouichi.. how long?"

I can't breathe. This is too much. Please don't.. look..don't look at me.. don't look at my..

"Kouichi, look at me!" He growled, trying to soften his face but it didn't work, "..don't you know you can tell me anything? Don't you know I'm here?"

He pulled at my arms as I flinched. Kouji loosened his grip on my arms. He traveled down to grasp both of my hands in his as I felt a wetness dropping nonstop on my hand. I peered up at him and realized we were both in tears.

I made him cry.. I didn't mean to. I'm such a bad brother. I need to stop this somehow. Someway. I need to speak.

"Kouji," I murmured, my voice hoarse, "..I.. I-I won't do it again.. okay? Just don't.. please d-don't tell mother."

He seemed a bit dumbfounded at my request.

Maybe he didn't think to tell her after all..

Kouji stared deep into my eyes, "..this had been happening for a long time, hasn't it?"

I shook my head, protesting. Kouji looked concerned and I could tell he didn't believe me. He rolled over my hands so my wrists were facing him. I let him roll back my sleeve. He clenched his teeth.

"Bullshit."

I slowly took my arms back, holding the sleeves in my hands in shame. Kouji grimaced, visibly enraged. I didn't mean to make him angry.

Why do I always mess up?

"Who?" He snarled "..Who?!"

I didn't know what he meant. He resembled a rabid animal ready to attack. It was alarming how terrifying he could be with just an expression.

"Kouji, wha-"

Before I could finish my question he slammed him fist into one of the porch steps. I saw a slight indentation on the wood and frowned. His knuckles bled with rage and damnation. Kouji always had anger problems but never really showed that side to me. It's mortifying.

I'm sorry I did this.

"Is it the kids at school? Is it home? Is it the bad dreams?" Kouji ranted, "..what is it? Who is it? I'll kill th-"

I embraced him ceasing him from speaking violence any longer. I wrapped and tightened my arms around his neck and stopping his dreadful hate speech. I tightened my hug and endured any discomfort. I'm definitely the cause of his stress and fury.

"I'm sorry. It won't h-happen again. Not any m-more," I stammered, ".. and I'll talk to you.. I will. I p-promise."

I'll say anything to calm him down. Even if I'm lying. This is what he wants to hear, isn't it?

"Just don't tell," I whispered. My begging was pitiful.

Kouji hugged me back, his arms cloaked me and strengthened around my waist. We buried our faces in each others shoulders. I felt his hot breath on my thin shirt.

I think.. we understand each other a bit more now.. but I can't help.. it. I feel guilty.. so guilty.

"I thought you hated me," he confessed.

Kouji's words turned me to cry harder.

Does he not realize that he has every reason to hate me?

I responded dejectedly, "..I thought y-you hated me."

"I could never."

"Kouji?"

"Yes?" He whispered lovingly seeing I was in a sensitive state.

I don't deserve to be treated so tenderly.. I just don't deserve it. In the end I'm just selfish. I'm just being pitied right now.

Is Kouji really pitying me?

"Can you stay with me t-tonight?"

But I sound pitiful. I don't doubt he's playing along with my emotion and woefulness. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I can't be alone any longer. I know what I do when I'm alone.. he knows, too.

Kouji locked my eyes with his as if this was already occurring. I could tell he was dying to stay with me every night. I felt comforted, sheltered and cherished all at once. It's all because of the look in his eye that reminded me I wasn't alone in that split second.

My mother didn't care if Kouji slept over. He had special privileges when it came down to it. I wonder if Kouji could tell I was lonely.

Why am I questioning this right now?

I feel like he knows it.

He does.

Kouji wiped my face and smiled sadly but reassuringly. It was a brave face he fronted with me. I knew his wrath and rage still burned and blazed. I could sense it. I could feel it. I saw in his eyes. Well, I saw a lot of things in his eyes.

He helped me stand up and lead me inside the house.

There's tension. I feel it. But it's my fault.

Kouji made me some hot tea and I sipped it sitting quietly on my bed. My throat was being soothed by traces of honey. It didn't register until now that my throat had been a bit tore up and sore from choking sobs. I watched as he positioned himself on his side and gloomily grinned at me. His face screamed for sentiment. My face grew slightly red and warm. The attention he gifted me had been uncomprehendingly confusing. He patted the spot next to him and I set down my mug.

Why do I feel so weird? Flustered, at fault and relaxed?

I couldn't help myself and I climbed into bed and nuzzled up to his chest. He threw the sheet over us and his arm wrapped around my head to bring me closer. I felt tingles from him running his hands though my hair.

For a moment, I felt happy.

But it didn't last long. I fell asleep and had another nightmare.

END FLASHBACK