(people-guardin)

Rewrote this chapter!

KOUICHI'S POV

•••

I put a finger to lips to shush Kouji. We had just gotten back to the house and I noticed my mother's door was locked. I didn't want to wake her. I think her sleep was more important to me than her. Kouji sat on my bed and checked his phone. I rummaged through my closet to find new clothes for us both. I picked out all black for him, since that's the only color my brother even wore. I turned to Kouji and glowered.

"You're on my bed all wet!"

Kouji huffed, "..it's just my shirt."

I felt Kouji's dampened knee through his jeans and I shook my head, "..liar."

I handed Kouji some new clothes as he groaned and took them reluctantly.

"Do you want to shower?" I turned my head to side in genuine concern.

"I think I've already had my shower," Kouji grinned noting his immensely wet hair.

I nodded my head and graciously told him I would return, requesting him not to wreck my bedroom while I was gone. I closed the door as he snickered. Once I was in the bathroom I locked the door and sighed. I resonated my thoughts, neurologically and muscularly tensing. I didn't really want a shower but I just couldn't let him see it again. If I changed my shirt in front of him, he would lose his temper seeing the fresh lesions.

I wouldn't even look at myself in the mirror as I undressed. I turned the shower to hot, freezing from the wet clothes. Once the shower warmed I climbed in. For the first few minutes I just stood under the running water hoping to calm my shaking body. The water acted as a purification of my mind ridding negativities. I spent a lot of my time in the showering attempting to avoid my gashed limbs in the hot water.

It can sting.

I exhaled slowly, feeling my breathing suddenly act out.

I can't believe I behaved this way today. Takuya is bringing how many bottles? I've never even had a drink before. I am nervous to be around my old friends.. the ones I have not seen in a long time. I'm terrified to drink. I'm worried I'll slip up and say something stupid. I'm also anxious about Takuya being there.. he was almost too cool to talk to me in school, why would he befriend me again? He probably thinks I'm a loser, too. Maybe they'll laugh at me once they see I'm not successful and admired.

I turned the shower off and reached out for my towel. My breathing hitched seeing my arm. I struggled to dismiss it. I softly patted my arm and winced, feeling a slight uncomfortable sting. Tiny spotting appeared on the towel yet it was hard to see unless you actually searched for it. I grab red and black towels only, for these reasons. I dried myself off carefully and quickly put on my normal dark blue hoodie and jeans. I left the bathroom and entered my own room. I saw Kouji lying on my bed, eyes fixated on his cell phone.

At least he changed his clothes.

"Feel better?" He asked.

I nodded and gathered his wet clothes in an empty laundry basket, "..I'll be right back."

Kouji raised an eyebrow.

"Dryer," I whispered, beaming at him and holding the basket full of wet clothing. I left down the hall to the dryer and shoved all the damp clothes in. I turned it on and set the basket down.

"Hi, honey."

I jumped and turned, "..Mom, you scared me."

She giggled, putting her hair up in a bun, "..sorry, Kouichi."

"You're not sleeping right now?"

"I have to go in earlier," she spoke sadly and embraced me.

Loneliness.

"Why?"

"They need me, Kouichi," she reassured him with a smile.

"Okay.." I mumbled quietly.

Her face was melancholy. I felt it, too.

"Mother.. Kouji is here."

Don't notice my sadness.

"Oh? I need to say hello to him before I leave," she seemed excited.

"In my room," I directed her.

I let her say her goodbyes to my brother and I watched cheerlessly as she left. I waved solemnly to her and Kouji could tell I felt dismay every time she was gone. I locked the front door and sighed. Kouji sat in the couch and stared at his phone as I crossed the room.

"I told Takuya it's safe to come over."

My eyes widened, glancing at the clock, "..It's only six."

"She left early," Kouji retorted with a teasing grin.

I couldn't think of anything to say so I returned with a nod of approval. I walked over to the kitchen anxiously. I turned on the sink faucet I almost rolled up my sleeve to do the last dish when I stopped myself. I can't while he's here. I felt my throat tighten and cheeks getting hot. I rest my hands down on the kitchen counter. They were shaking.

Overwhelmed ... that's how I felt right now. I can't be excited.. I'm petrified.. my tails between my legs right now.

"Kouichi, what's wrong? Talk to me," he spoke as if he were demanding answers.

I heard the squeak from the couch as he sat up and his foot steps as he walked towards me.

I felt him place a hand on my shoulder. I couldn't look him in the eye right now.

Kouji should know, right? He senses anything I feel.. I'm nervous. I'm afraid. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been able to calm down in years. I've been avoiding people and at the same time longing for friendship. I've been hiding my secret and letting my own solitude envelope every inch of my being. The darkness has taken over; it has for years. I feel so lonely.. as if I'm the lone person suffering by myself. All these wounds are caused by my own negative thoughts. I just want to quit living sometimes. I need a vacation from life. Sometimes I want to leave the earth. Some days I need to escape. Some one has stopped me from going through with this every attempt and that same person has left me every day for a long time. Maybe if I get a job she can stop working so hard. I can see her more. I can make friends at work. Maybe I'll find love at work. Maybe I won't feel so pessimistic. Maybe I won't have these thoughts. Maybe-

"Kouichi," my brother spoke my name sternly, his grip on my shoulder tightened, "..what is it?"

Kouji became frantic. I didn't realize I had a tear rolling down my cheeks. He turned my body towards his but I couldn't face him.

"Kouichi, tell me what's wrong? Come on. I want to help-"

"T-the dishes.." I muttered, hiding my face in my hands and muffling my my words.

I'm acting.. so weird..

He whispered something to me but I couldn't hear him. All of a sudden I felt the hand on my shoulder disappear. I peeked out from my hands hiding my face to see Kouji washing the last dish.

He had his sleeves rolled up.

I'm jealous.

I felt terrible.

There's so many things I don't know how to tell you.

I forced myself to cease any weeping.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm like this.

I hung my head and stood behind him, unsure of where to move. He turned off the water and set the plate aside to dry. He dried his hands off with the kitchen towel.

"It's done. Now what's really wrong?" Kouji turned to me, his face serious.

I met his gaze for a moment, his eyes piercing my own. He seemed all-knowing.

I promised, didn't I? I promised to tell him things. I also promised something else.. I broke that promise..

"I'm sorry."

Kouji furrowed his brow, "..why are you sorry?"

"Um.. Nothing. I-" I stammered, "..I'm .. I'm nervous."

Kouji breathed a sigh of relief, hearing an answer, "..I was just teasing. Sorry. Are you nervous about Takuya?"

I shrugged.

I feel like he knows something.

"Do you want me to tell them to postpone?"

My eyes widened, bewildered, "..no, they'll hate me."

Kouji didn't know whether to laugh or not, "..no ones going to hate you."

I shifted my eyes to the floor again.

"I won't invite them over if you don't want," Kouji said without a care.

I could tell he's having no problem canceling. He can be so nonchalant.

My brother is the cool one. I'm just a loser.

"No. It's okay. Really," I mumbled lowly.

I couldn't let everyone down. They would surely hate me then. Sometimes it runs through my mind. Cynical. That's what my brother called me. I don't mean to be. I can't help it. I'm scared that Kouji thinks that of me still. I'm scared that other people do, too. What if they all do tonight? I'm just a sad little kid crying over attention. Anxious over company. Overwhelmed, anti social and pitiful.

"Okay," Kouji aimed a calming smile.

I couldn't help but smile back, a tinge of pink on my cheeks. He's smothering without doing much.

"Sorry," I apologized quietly, hoping it would differ any negative opinions of me, "..I know I can be.."

"It's okay, Kouichi. I hate people, too," Kouji humored, justifying my reaction.

Thanks for making me feel better, Kouji.

My brother relaxed on the couch and checked his phone a few times while I made us egg rice. We ate in silence as he flipped open his one last time. I heard buttons being pressed.

He flipped closed his phone harshly, "..he should be here soon."

He doesn't seem excited.. but then again.. it's Kouji.. why would he be?

Only half way done with my rice and I suddenly lost my appetite. I stood up to walk to the trash can to scrape out my bowl and placed it in the sink. I glanced at Kouji and saw he wasn't watching me. I took my chance to roll up my sleeves and quickly wash the bowl. I finished as soon as he stood up to bring me his dirty bowl. I hastily wiped my hands on my pants and rolled my sleeves down. He stood idly by me for a moment. It seemed like he was contemplating something. I took his bowl and placed it in the sink.

"You want help?" Kouji asked sweetly.

"I can do it.."

..later.

KNOCK KNOCK

My heart skipped menacingly. I felt an empty pit in my stomach. We both turned towards the door and stood in silence; a mutual dread hit us both. Kouji looked me for a moment before making his towards the door. I stared blindly at the dirty bowl before me, cursing it mentally.

Always one left.

"Hey!" Takuya exclaimed, grinning excitedly. He wore a red button up that matched his shoes. I don't know why, I thought the color coordination was neat.

Kouji greeted him collectively.

He waved, noticing me in the kitchen, "..hi, Kouichi!"

"Hi," I muttered, slightly waving back. My worry suddenly doubled.

Kouji shut the door behind him and crossed his arms as he watching Takuya skip over to the kitchen. Butterflies violently flew around my stomach as I saw him place a big bag down on the counter beside me.

"Where's your lady of the week?" Kouji smirked and made his way over to us.

Takuya rolled his eyes, "..I currently don't have one."

Kouji raised a brow.

I cocked my head to the side, frowning,"..I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Takuya shrugged, grinning widely, "..she was kind of a bitch."

I didn't say anything. I scratched my head turning towards the dirty bowl, feeling a bit useless. Kouji seemed like he was pondering something as he stared at the clock.

I'm so nervous, I want to hide.

Takuya smiled from ear to ear as he pulled a few bottles out of the giant paper bag. I couldn't believe he actually brought that many.

"Want them chilled?" He questioned Kouji.

"I don't care, I'm used to a warm bottle," he answered with a shrug.

I eyed him as he spoke.

What does he mean by that?

"Let's get this party started!" Takuya declared, twisting the lid.

"Slow down, Takuya. The others arent here yet," Kouji spoke sternly.

I mentally thanked him for delaying the anxiety-causing festivity.

"Well.. where are they?" Takuya questioned.

Kouji chuckled, "..I haven't told them to come yet."

"Why?!" Takuya cried out, baffled.

"Just making sure I can deal with one idiot first," Kouji teased.

Is he telling the truth or covering for me?

"Excuse me," I mumbled, slowly pacing towards the bathroom.

I could tell Kouji was a bit surprised at my actions but I could here Takuya distracting him with more small talk.

I shut the door quietly behind me and held my chest. I could feel my heart pounding. I'm mortified.

Right now? So soon.. I'm.. I'm not ready.. And Kouji. What does Kouji mean? He's used to a warm bottle? He's used to.. drinking? I've never seen this.. does he hide it? Am I being selfish and not seeing past my own problems? Am I blind? Maybe he's done this before.. of course he has.. Kouji is.. cool.. alcohol is cool.. I think drinking is what cool people usually do, right? I guess I'm not sure how to act like a normal human anymore. Damn it, I think I'm doing it again.

I breathed in and out slowly, calming myself before I exited the bathroom. I think I spent a few minutes in there already. I wouldn't want my brother to worry.

"Yeah! Junpei is on his way!" Takuya wore a sneaky grin.

"Thanks for doing the honor of messaging them without asking," Kouji told the brunette coldly.

Takuya wore a long face as he whined, "..but I just want to party with my friends."

I suddenly felt guilty seeing a sad old friend.

I tried to lighten the mood and change the subject, "..I heard Junpei had a job?"

Takuya nodded, "..at a gasoline stand."

"Fabulous," Kouji remarked with obvious sarcasm.

"Can I message Izumi and Tomoki now?" Complained Takuya.

Kouji scoffed, "..might as well."

I made my way over to the couch to relax my body and mind. I fidgeted with my fingers and sleeves.

Be strong. Social interaction isn't bad, is it? Why does it freak me out so much?

Kouji sat beside me, crossing his arms and watching intently as Takuya opened a bottle. He grabbed some small glasses out of the cabinet and felt eyes on him.

"What?" Takuya murmured, slowly pouring the liquid in the cup.

"Make me one, too," Kouji spoke blatantly.

Am I surprised?

"Yeah!" Takuya wooed. "Chaser?"

"No," Kouji shook his head.

I guess I don't know my brother as well as I think I do. Once again, this is surely my fault.

Before I knew it Takuya made his way over with three glasses. One for Kouji, one for him and one for me. The extreme amount of butterflies made me nauseous.

I've never done this...

I studied the two as they grabbed their glasses.

Be strong, there's a first time for everything, remember? I have to think positive.. I don't want them to think I'm a loser..

I held the glass tightly. Takuya cheered and clanked my glass with his and Kouji's, swallowing the small amount of liquid. Kouji did, too. I did the same, my hand shaking. My throat burned as it went down. My stomach warmed.

"Tastes.. bad," I pouted, displeased.

"Shochu doesn't taste good," Takuya laughed.

Kouji studied my face before getting up to pour a small glass of what looked like juice.

"Here," he said gingerly as he handed me the drink and settled down beside me once more.

I sipped it slowly and held the sweet liquid in my mouth for a few seconds, ridding the sour taste.

Do I look like a loser?

KNOCK KNOCK

"I can get it!" Takuya volunteered. He opened the door and invited someone in.

More anxiety.

Junpei fixed the collar on his dark green t-shirt before strolling inside.

"Hi, nerds!" He joked, laughing.

I flinched at the word.

Kouji noticed.

"Junpei, I haven't seen you in so long!" Takuya hugged the boy standing before him.

"Yeah I know. It's been too long," he embraced him back for a second. I saw him gesture at me.

"Hey Kouichi!" Junpei greeted.

Why do I feel so nervous?

"H-hi."

Why did I stutter?

Kouji crossed his arms tighter, "..Did you just get off work?"

Junpei gasped, mouth agape, "..how did you know?"

"You smell like shit," Kouji said boldly.

I couldn't help but giggled at Kouji's honesty.

"I'm glad someone said it," Takuya snickered.

"Really?" Junpei frowned, sniffing himself frantically, "..Kouichi, do you have deodorant?"

Before I could speak, Takuya did, "..hey, we're all friends here! Who are you impressing?"

"Izumi," Kouji smirked.

Junpei's cheeks flushed.

"U-um," I pointed to the bathroom, "..it's in there.."

"Obviously," Kouji brutally spoke.

"You know, Kouji, you're still an asshole," Junpei mumbled as he strutted to the bathroom.

Kouji huffed, "..sensitive."

What just happened? Is Kouji joking around? Is he really being mean right now?

Takuya cackled, "..I'm used to your personality, he's not!"

I stayed quiet.

I don't see Kouji like this too often.. maybe he's comfortable with me? Maybe he's always been like this? Maybe I haven't opened my eyes to see? Maybe it's the alcohol?

"Hey Kouichi, do you have any cards?" Takuya searched under the table.

I shook my head.

Takuya groaned.

I disappointed him, didn't I?

"Should have thought ahead," Kouji blurted callously. I think he sensed my guilt.

"I brought the bottles!"

"You should have brought cards, too," Kouji disregarded Takuya's excuse.

"I-um, I have Shogi," I stumbled to find my words, hoping to intervene the debate.

"That game hurts my brain, though."

"It would if you had one," Kouji mocked.

"Okay, Kouji, if I pour you another drink will you stop being a jerk?" Takuya practically yelled.

"The more I drink, the meaner I get," Kouji shrugged.

"You're cut off," Takuya announced.

Kouji scowled, "Who-"

"Stop guys," I fearfully pleaded.

Why is Kouji acting so mean? Is he sensing my uneasiness? Am I the cause? He's always been like this with people.. but they're friends. I really want to hide now. I just want to go and be alone. This is ridiculous.

Takuya rubbed his head, "..sorry."

"I was just joking," Kouji stated.

Liar.

"Alright, I'm ready to drink!" Junpei paraded out of the bathroom. He smelled heavy of musk and eucalyptus.

"That's what I'm talking about! Junpei, grab that bottle!" Requested Takuya.

Junpei placed the bottle on the table in front of us and sat down next to Takuya. He did the honors of pouring everyone's glasses.

"Ready!" Cheered Takuya.

We all swallowed the bitter liquid.

This still tastes bad.. why do people want to drink this?

KNOCK KNOCK

Junpei stood hastily, "..I'll get it!"

"Of course," Kouji murmured under his breath.

Only I heard him.

Everyone's knows Junpei has a crush on Izumi.. he has for a long time.. does he realize how obvious he is, though?

"Hey lovely people!" Junpei proclaimed.

Tomoki and Izumi walked in waving at us. Junpei stood behind them, closing the door quietly. I studied Junpei eyes as they traveled down to Izumi's lower half. She wore a light pink sweater and a Jean skirt. Izumi is beautiful, but the way she always spoke to me reminded me of speaking with my mother.

Oblivious.

"Taxi's are so expensive," whined Izumi.

"I took a taxi here, too! We can all leave together, I'll pay," Junpei grinned, offering generously.

"Hi, Tomoki," Takuya gasped, "..you're so tall now."

"It's been years, I would hope I grew!" Tomoki grinned sheepishly.

"Come sit next to me," Junpei practically sat on Takuya to make room for Izumi.

"It looks roomier over here," she stated innocently, plopping down next to Kouji.

"Don't worry, Junpei, I'll sit with you!" Tomoki giggled but didn't sit down.

Junpei hid a sigh, "..yeah.."

"Tomoki, can you grab more glasses?" Takuya asked.

"Yeah, sure," Tomoki walked to the kitchen and searched through the cabinets to find glasses. He brought them over and set them on the table, situating next to Junpei.

I tapped my knee tensely.

What was actually happening tonight? We're drinking that much? Why so quickly? What if they got too intoxicated and passed out here? My mother would be upset..

Takuya started pouring. Eventually everyone was holding a small glass of liquid in their hands. I grudgingly grabbed mine.

"Cheers to graduating!" Takuya exclaimed.

"Cheers to graduating last year," Junpei grumbled, bumping Takuya's ribs with his elbow.

"Cheers to not graduating yet!" Tomoki laughed.

We all ingested the liquid.

Tomoki made a sour face, "..gross."

Junpei sniggered, "..I'm guessing you haven't drank this before, have you, little man?"

"Actually, this is my first time drinking," Tomoki blushed as he admitted.

Wow.. I'm not alone..

"You're in good hands!" Takuya reassured.

So I'm really not the only one..that makes me feel sort of better.

My stomach didn't feel too upset.

Was I getting use to this? Kouji and I looked at each other just now. I think my stomach fluttered. Maybe it's just the alcohol. Sometimes we didn't have to speak to one another to know what the other one wanted. I sensed he was making sure I was fine. It made me feel good.

The back of my neck slowly got warmer. I attempted to loosen the collar on my hoodie, having to endure the temperature.

"What's everyone doing now that school is done?" Tomoki questioned the group.

Izumi spoke first, "..I'm actually going to college next year!"

"Wow! That's amazing! For what?" Junpei seemed too excited.

"Education," she smiled, "..I want to be a teacher!"

"Didn't you have enough of the school life already?" Takuya asked, frowning deeply.

"I want to help people," Izumi stated, "..future children need a good teacher."

"And a great teacher you will be," Junpei grinned.

"I want to be a lawyer!" Takuya announced.

Kouji laughed immediately.

"What?" Izumi furrowed her brow.

"I was joking," Takuya admitted, glaring at Kouji, "..truth is.. I don't know what I want to do. I might take some time off and then get a job. But I want to move out of my parents house as soon as possible!"

Junpei nodded, "..I'm saving money right now to buy my own car."

"What are you guys planning?" Izumi questioned Kouji.

Kouji shrugged. I felt tension.

She turned to me, expecting a reply.

"I-I just want to get a job," I uttered, "..I want to h-help my mom."

I can't stop stuttering and I hate it.

Izumi smiled sincerely, "..that's so sweet!"

Junpei chimed, "..I'm trying to help my mom with bills, too!"

Izumi giggled and rolled her eyes, ignoring him.

Takuya glanced between Kouji and I, "..Any plans? Your birthday is coming up soon, right?"

I didn't know how to answer as Kouji shrugged.

"Excuse me, where's your restroom, Kouichi?" Izumi asked.

I pointed towards the hall and she strolled over to the room. I glanced at Junpei; he was eyeing her.

I don't understand his infatuation. Am I weird?

"How's your brother, Takuya?" Tomoki asked.

Takuya shrugged, "..we're still family.. but that's about it. He has his own friend group now."

Tomoki frowned lightly.

Takuya started to pour again.

"Slow down, Takuya!" Tomoki nervously exclaimed.

I agree.

Kouji chuckled, "..then leave him out, just pour me a bigger one."

"Fine, but don't be mean," Takuya demanded.

"Don't be sensitive," Kouji retorted.

I am so lucky to have Kouji on my side. I mean, if he was this mean to me I would surely never become social again. However, I wish Kouji was nicer to people. I can't ask him to change. This is who he is. But.. Who am I? I am weird. I am sensitive. Honestly, I am a loser. Every minute of everyday confused me. Why does anyone like me? Are they just pretending.. Kouji wouldn't pretend..

I felt the couch shift. Izumi sat roughly next to Kouji and grasped at her drink.

"Okay, pour me one, Takuya. Then I need a break," Tomoki poked Takuya's shoulder.

"Lightweight," Kouji whispered. I don't know if anyone heard him but I'm glad if they didn't.

I appreciate Tomoki's honesty. I longed to take a break. I exhaled quickly as I gulped the liquid. Now I felt it in my stomach. I wasn't nauseous. I felt different.

I'm surprised Kouji took that entire shot.. it's so large..

I noticed Takuya roll up his sleeves.

I wish.

"What can we do?" Junpei asked the group.

"Maybe we could play a game?" Tomoki made an effort to answer.

I let the group debate amongst themselves as I flipped my phone out of my pocket. I stared deeply and blindly as the screen, not looking at anything in particular.

I'm amazed Kouji is taking to the alcohol so well. Maybe he's good at hiding it's effects? Takuya seems to be louder. Is Kouji meaner? Maybe.. Kouji did say he was used to it, though. I don't know my brother that well apparently.. I didn't know how used to alcohol he was.. I can't believe he drinks like this.. maybe he's drunk when he comes over to see me..

I was brought out of my thoughts by Kouji nudging me on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" He whispered lowly so only I could hear.

I nodded, my face was hot. I felt the effects much more now. I was embarrassed but for some reason it was hard to care.

"I know a game from America.." Izumi suggested.

"What is it?" Tomoki asked.

"Truth or dare," Izumi grinned, "..it's really easy! Just pick a person to pick one, then you have to dare them or question them! And they have to.."

Junpei marveled, "..sure!"

Tomoki agreed, "..sounds like fun!"

Takuya laughed, "..everyone wants to?"

Everyone agreed unison but Kouji and I. I think he could tell I was anxious.

Izumi looked at us, "..you guys don't want to?"

I am disappointing them again, aren't I?

Suck it up, Kouichi.

We both shrugged, Kouji spoke reluctantly, "..fine."