(Sick of myself - 93FEETOFSMOKE)

*BLOOD WARNING*

KOUICHI POV

I leaned against the tree the bark as it roughly scratched my back. My stomach was burning terribly at this very second. I covered my eyes with my sleeves; something about the dark being comforting right now.

I'm alone, I'm pitied, I'm pathetic, Kouji is gone, I can't. Not tonight. I have to face people. I have to.. go back. I need to.. be okay.. for them.. For my mother.. I want Kouji.. to come back.. I want his embrace. I need to hear.. Hear him say it.

I forgive you.

I'm sorry, I can't forgive myself.

I need.. to be alone.. wait, no I don't.

I need.. I need..

I want..

I coughed in my sleeves, choking up heavily. I sobbed and almost fell over from the dizziness engrossing me. I buckled over, heaving two times. My stomach tightened as I felt my throat burn. I let the vomit finally flow, spitting a few times.

I can't help but feel I'm letting someone down.

I tumbled into the bark once more, feeling weak at my knees. The tree caught me.

I spent too long outside already. Surely someone might see me. Well, wait.. I'm just being paranoid. A stranger isn't going to see me out here.. I live in a less-populated area but.. if Takuya or someone walks outside.. I don't want them to see me.. not like this.

I paced to the front door slowly, giving myself a moment to stop crying, relax and calm down. I had to compose myself but it's difficult dealing with these emotions mixed with liquor. I want to be alone now; the only I want next to me is Kouji and he's gone. I have no self-confidence.

How do I tell everyone... I can't anymore.. not tonight? I guess.. I'll just say it.

The door squeaked open slowly. I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I hated that kind of attention.

"Kouichi?" Takuya spoke indistinctly.

Tomoki ran up to me, "..are you okay?"

No.

I stared at him and he looked horrified. He could tell on my face, can't he?

I wonder what my face looked like.. I can't tell anymore. I'm not really crying right now but.. I feel numb.

Izumi stood up, "..Tomoki, go change."

Tomoki obliged and sulked to the bathroom.

Junpei's face fell seeing my puffy, red eyes, "..hey, buddy, want a shot?"

Izumi glared at him, "..do you really think he-"

"Yeah," I muttered, cutting her off.

Screw it.

"Kouichi," Takuya's brow furrowed as he began to speak. He trailed off, probably unsure of what to say but I didn't mind. I wasn't in the mood for conversation.

I could tell his brotherly instincts kicked in as Junpei poured a few glasses. I took a few steps toward the table. He handed me the glass and I immediately gulped the liquid down. My throat was on fire.

"I-I think.." I began, trailing off.

What was I hoping to say?

Takuya took a glass of his own and sat on the other couch. He patted next to him, but I didn't sit.

Tomoki came out of the bathroom looking bothered.

Izumi spoke firmly, "..Tomoki, come on, Let's get you home. We can get another taxi."

Junpei stood up, "..I'll go, I'll pay."

The tension was unreal. But I am relieved to finally be alone. That is, Takuya needs to leave now. There's a certain point when I broke and I couldn't put my finger on it. I know it was outside. All emotions vanished as Kouji did. There was an empty space where my heart once pulsed, preoccupying the vacant area in my chest.

Kouji .. kissed me? I should think too much about it or flatter myself. He just wanted me to shut up and plus he was drunk.

Izumi and Junpei gave me a look of consolation before leaving, speaking something to me. I didn't hear them.

I didn't want to hear them.

Tomoki hugged me before leaving but I couldn't hug him back. I lacked any compassion at that moment. As soon as they left my eyes darted towards Takuya, wondering why he stuck around. He patted the spot next to him again, almost begging mentally. I sat reluctantly next to him.

"Kouichi, what happened?" He asked softly. I stared at the ground apathetically.

"Can.." I started to whisper, "..can.. can I have another?"

A look of regret washed over his face, "..not until you tell me what's wrong."

I rested my face into my sleeves, taking deep breaths. Now wasn't the time for pity. I just needed solitude. I needed a lot more than anyone really knew. Takuya protected the second bottle in his lap; now half gone.

Just go.. just leave.. I'm tired.. I'm tired of amusing you..

"Kouichi.."

"Just go," I muttered into my sleeves.

"I don't know if I should."

"Takuya.." A couple tears fell into my sleeves as I spoke, "..either give me that bottle, or get out."

Takuya was dumbstruck. He never saw this side of me. We both didn't know I even had this side to begin with.

I know.. I know I'm being... different.. but.. What was I supposed to do? With how bad I felt, I just needed solitude. I'm trying.. to be okay. I know no one can see it. But I really am. Trying to be cool, calm, collected, responsive.. like Kouji.. but I'm just running, mentally.

I observed him subtly through my fingers as he poured two shots, hesitantly handing one to me. In an instant I snagged it and swallowed so quickly I obstructed my lungs. I coughed into my hands and wheezed. Takuya's hand was held in the air, attempting to pat me on the back but seemed he didn't want to touch me. I didn't blame him. I'm a ball of negativism.

Careful, you might taint yourself.

"You should go," I muttered.

"Kouichi.. I can't go. You're being.. weird."

Weird.. weird? I know, I'm extremely weird. Odd. Different. Everyone's normal. I'm.. a problem. That's why he's stuck here. Maybe he feels stuck? Yeah, he does.. he has to. He doesn't really like me, I should know that by now.

"Leave," I pressed.

You don't live far.. you can walk..

"I really feel like Kouji wouldn't like me leaving you alone," he said, loathing the idea.

"Well, Kouji isn't here right now."

The way I spoke.. sounded.. so mean.

Takuya paused for a second, "..what happened?"

I suddenly burst out in tears, sobbing uncontrollably. The alcohol hit. Takuya panicked, holding me and trying to calm me down. He stammered over his words, I could hear him speaking, but it just sounded like noise. I couldn't make anything he said out anymore. I feel useless.

Is.. is this what alcohol does? I can't.. ever drink around anyone again.. Takuya.. can see my pain. My darkness.

"Okay, okay," he attempted to soothe me, "..you can tell me later."

I will never tell you anything. I'm sorry..

"I can come over tomorrow, too!"

But I really don't want you to.

"Do you want to go to bed?" He began his bright idea, "..I can clean this mess.. and stay until you fall asleep!"

No..

Wait.

That's it. That... that's it!

I nodded sneakily as Takuya helped me to bed. I stumbled quite a bit down the hall. The evil started to well inside me. My insane darkness. I always hid it. I feel it taking over more and more. I turned on my side, hiding my face. I felt him pry my shoes off.

Leave.

I felt his eyes on me as he turned off the lights.

"Are you going to be okay here while I clean?"

"Hm," I barely mumbled a response.

I would have agreed to anything just to be alone right now. I listened as a few dishes faintly clinked in the kitchen.

I hope.. Kouji is okay.. I hope he doesn't hate me. I.. want to message him.. is that bad? Should I leave him be? Am I being selfish? I want to be alone.. with him.. but he doesn't want that.. does he?

I pulled out my cell phone, hissing at the time. I received no messages. I yearned to send one, though.

Should I? I should.. I'm sad.. alone. And.. He left me.

I typed a short, 'you awake' but it took me a few tries; it was seemingly hard to type. I put my phone away quickly hearing Takuyas footsteps down the hall.

"Kouichi, I brought you some water."

I didn't respond, pretending to sleep and honestly ignoring his words.

Leave.

I heard Takuya sighing lightly. He set the water cup down on my side table. There had been a few seconds of silence before I overheard shuffling down the hall way.

Is he finally leaving?

I heard light commotion in the far room before a gentle click of the front door.

He's finally gone. I'm relieved. I'm alone.

I sat up quickly, too quickly, my head spinning. All of a sudden I felt nauseous again.

Loneliness. This is what I wanted, right? This is what I'm used to. The solitude.

I wobbled down the hallway my balance thrown off by the alcohol. Holding onto the wall to steady myself, I peeked around the corner. Not a glass in sight. No sign of a party occurring. The trash looked empty.

I stumbled to the kitchen.

Why is the room spiraling? I can't walk..

I must have been laying in the room a lot longer than I realized. Takuya had washed every cup and put them away.

Except.. Kouji's bowl. Still in the sink. Suddenly I felt more useless. Worthless.

Did I lose my purpose?

I fumbled to take out my mobile device and saw nothing. My breathing hitched, my hands were shaking and my face turned to anger.

Never again..

I threw my phone at the ground. It slammed against the rug and the battery burst out. A silent whine came from my throat as I clenched my teeth. I cursed the dish, cursed my phone and -

A wave of nausea hit me. I steadied myself on the nearest wall. I began heave felt sick. I shielded my mouth with my hand and started my way towards the bathroom.

This is what I get. I hope.. I hope it all ends. I don't.. I don't deserve to have friends.. I don't need kindness anymore. Kouji doesn't need to worry about me.

I upchucked and spilled over, barely missing the toilet. I gagged hard a few times and tears fell uncontrollably.

Damn it. Why am I so mad?

I don't feel good.

Maybe I need water.

Takuya.. the water..

My thoughts even began slurring and eventually weakened. Nothing made sense.

Kouji .. if that kiss was real.. that's my first. My first kiss was caused by a mind-numbing substance, undeniable irritation and panic?

I limped into my bedroom to find the glass of water Takuya had placed at my bedside.

Wait. Do I deserve water? I mean, what's wrong with me? Why did I question this?

I was fed up with my phone, with friends, with life, with Kouji, with my thoughts.. I grasped to pick up the cup, I think not gripped enough. It slipped and crashed on the floor.

Damn..

I'm.. I can't clean this up right now. I can barely.. walk.. barely think..

I slid to my knees pushing the broken glass under my bed.

Hidden..

I yelped almost soundlessly, accidentally cutting my palm on a shard. I searched around for a black piece of clothing, pressing firmly on my cut to stop the bleeding.

I then used it to soak up any water on the floor. For some unknown reason, the glass shattering initiated content tears and sobbing. I felt my life was impractical.

Kouji.. why did you run away from me.. I'm alone.. That's what I wanted, right?

I picked up a large fragment of glass and gazed at it.

This..

Rolling my sleeve up dangerously I grazed over a scar, piercing skin.

This is what.. got me in trouble.. the first time.. with Kouji..

I did it. My hands started to tremble as I threw the shard underneath my bed. Blood rapidly trickled down my arm and wrist.

Why.. why does it feel good?

My lip quivered and my hand twitched. I inhaled deeply and felt my blood pulse. It reminded me of the ache I felt in my chest. I eyed the cut before me and realized how much of my bodily fluids were dripping. I used the same black piece of clothing once before, cleaning up any mess I may have made and squeezed thoroughly to stop blood.

Kouji hates me. I did it again. I'm sorry, Kouji. I feel so bad. I just needed this. I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't mean to.

I'm lying, aren't I?

I'm dumb. Of course I meant to.

I did this.

Again.

I waited for what seemed like half an hour for the wound to cease a brisk flow. I shoved the dirty clothing underneath my bed and laid down on my mattress. I could feel my breathing steady, slowly drifting out of consciousness.