(Solitary - Guardin)

Rewrote this chapter!

KOUICHI POV

Dazed and disoriented, I woke hissing at the maddening sunlight peeking through my window blinds. My mind was cloudy and worn. I held my head with my hands feeling a pulsating pain in my front lobe. My eyes were harmed from the vexatious sunshine. I stirred in bed realizing with every moment how badly my body ached. I groaned to myself cursing the presently awful morning under my breath.

Damn, my head hurts.. and my stomach.. What did I do? Wait.. Why do I ask, anyway? I'm so dumb. I knew what I did. I knew I hurt myself in many ways all of the time. But.. I kind of like it. I don't know why, I just do. A lot. Maybe I shouldn't.. But.. I didn't have a nightmare. That's real good.

Shifting in my covers recklessly had made Kouji's clothes fall to the floor. I frowned struggling to crawl over my blanket. I scooped his clothes off the floor and folded them neatly onto my bed. I missed him. I lazily squinted at my clock, it read half past twelve. I allowed myself to sit in bed for some minutes, my body needing time to rekindle. By reflex, I reached down into my pocket to find my phone. Then I remembered.

"Shit," I quickly bucked up to my feet, nearly losing whatever balance I had left. I peered out my door and saw no one. I stepped quietly down the hall, my mother's door was shut.

She's asleep..

Relief.

I darted my eyes to the spot where I had thrown my innocent mobile device. Absent in its place I began to search for it. It worried me a little too much. I had left the one piece of evidence in my drunken state.

I can't find it. She found it. Oh no.. what excuse do I have? She's going to know something happened..

Before I knew it the phone appeared on the counter completely unbroken. I stumbled over to grab the phone and I saw small note.

'Hi, honey! You dropped your phone.'

I could tell it was my mother.. graceful penmanship, flattering grammar, signed it with a heart..

Oblivious.

She had lodged the battery back into it. I mentally thanked her but it slightly irritated me knowing it was so indestructible. Even so I never turned the phone on.

I'm too scared.

I trudged towards the sink to get some water. Gulping the liquid hastily I felt my throat dry from soreness. Kouji's bowl was washed and clean, neatly placed in the drying rack. Something of it irked me. I'd drown in the sink if the water couldn't be so shallow. I think I'd be better off alone. If Kouji didn't want to fill the voids I felt anymore it was fine. I know I'm selfish for wanting this. I just wanted to be useful for once and clean a damned bowl.

I truly am pointless to have around, aren't I, mother? I'm as useful as a doormat. At least I can clean one thing ..

I grabbed the dust pan, a broom and a small paper grocery bag, quickly sweeping up the broken glass hidden underneath my bed. I put the broom and pan back in its place and tossed the bag full of glass into the garbage can. In my room, I found another dark long sleeve shirt I could change into. I muffled a cry as I threw my hoodie off, the sleeve stuck to the fresh wound and tore a very small amount of a scab. I scanned the hoodie's sleeve to find a bit of blood had seeped through the other side. I was hot, covered in a layer sweat and dirt. My hair stuck to my forehead.

I probably smell bad, too..

Before I changed I decided to take a shower. I started to undress and tossed any dirty, bloody clothes in the washer. Steering clear of the mirror, I turned the water on. I stepped in, avoiding the water touching my arm. My phone lay on the bathroom counter, lonely. Just like me.

I want to turn it on.. I'm afraid. What if Kouji replied and he's angry? What if .. what if it's worse? What if there's nothing at all? I would rather be told you hated me than to keep guessing. It's torture.

Hurriedly I washed my hair and grabbed the towel, warily and carefully dabbing myself dry. It was cold outside the shower as it was inside my chest. I took my phone and hastened to my room quickly changing. The feeling of withdrawal dwelled. The washer was almost done. I gazed upon my phone for a length of time, practically prolonging my anxiety. I rest a finger on the Home Screen, hands trembling moderately.

Be brave, Kouichi.

Pressing the 'on' button, I braced myself. I shifted my wet hair from my eyes as the phone light shown. I feel like a stopped breathing seeing an unread message pop up. It was apparently sent two hours ago.

Kouji..

I opened it and sighed, ultimately feeling let down. It was Takuya.

'Hey! You feeling okay?'

My brow lowered.

I'm sorry, Takuya. Not now.

I stopped the almost completed wash cycle and threw the clothes in the dryer, unnoticeable spotting on the hoodie subsided my concerns. I put my phone in my pocket and stood up to make my way towards the kitchen once more.

Kouji never replied.

I chugged a bit more water.

Kouji must really hate me.

I walked out the front door and shut it.

Or does he?

I shielded my eyes. Only for a moment the brightness of the sunlight hurt my eyes. My head pounded steadily. With my head down, feeling like a spineless coward, I began walking. I don't where to. I just know I needed to not be around anyone that expected me to be responsive.

I can't believe last night. I wonder if the others hate me, too? I wonder how I looked to them.. Why did Kouji kiss me..

I flushed uncontrollably, holding my head down lower.

..I wonder if Takuya thinks I'm weird. He messaged me. Just might be worried about a loser, I think. I'm not surprised at who messaged me, just surprised I got anything at all. I had hoped it was Kouji, though.

I stuck my hands in my pant pockets, my stomach gurgling. I felt sick.

I.. I didn't have a nightmare last night.. it's different, was it maybe.. the alcohol? If it is.. I kind of want more.. well.. anything for a good nights rest, even at the cost of a headache.

Twenty or so minutes passed and I ended up at the same tunnel we came to that day for shelter. My stomach churned, my heart sank and my breathing ceased momentarily. This place turned me to agonizing nostalgia. I decided to walk in yet uneasy as I was alone. Slowly pacing through I heard my steps echo. The tunnel was empty and shaded.

BEEP

I felt my face turn pale as nausea hit me. I swallowed a few times holding the sickness down. I fumbled to get my phone out of my pocket. I braced myself and opened the message.

'How are you feeling?'

I furrowed my brow seeing it was from an unknown number.

Should I.. reply?

'Who's this?' I sent, unsure if I should have even responded in the first place.

Not a moment later I received, 'it's junpei!'

I sighed heavily and put my phone in my pocket.

Who was I even expecting anymore?

Oh. Kouji.

As I towards the end of the tunnel it was clear and desolate. Only a few people were all the way across the lake at the playground. I saw two young boys, maybe five or six years old. One waiting for the other at the end of a slide. I watched as slid down and he fell on his rear. I frowned as the other boy reached out a hand to help him up.

I want to message Kouji again.

I sat down, leaning against the tunnel walls, relaxing my mind and body. I felt the cool air breeze through the tunnel. My phone taunted me.

Why did Junpei and Takuya care so much to message me? I don't understand. Of all people, I would think Kouji were to. I think he cares the most.. after all.. Or maybe he hates me the most.

I stayed there for what felt like hours, staring off and on at my phone. Eventually I saw the two young boys leave with their parents. The park was completely empty.

Lonely.

My stomach churned again, but I wasn't hungry. My appetite vanished. I just felt ill. I rest my head on my knees. I suddenly missed my bed. I missed a lot of things. I stared back at my phone, getting a sudden idea.

'Can you bring me the other bottle?' I sent to Takuya.

I can be such a hypocrite. Didn't I just want to be alone? Didn't I want to never drink around people again? Oh, well. I am at a point of carelessness. The worst he can do is say no and the best I can do is never reply again.

I scrolled down my phone, stopping on Kouji's name, silently hoping.

I know he won't message me. Should I try harder.. or do I already try too hard.. but it's Kouji.. Ever since I met him I felt a glimpse of light in my life. I sensed he felt the same way. Everyone has their own problems but.. I'd never thought that I'd be the problem. Maybe I've always been the problem.

Suddenly another messaged popped up.

'Where are you?'

It was Takuya again.

'Out' I responded vaguely.

Kouji's name appeared on my phone's contact list again practically toying with me. I sighed, feeling defeated.

My head is spinning.

I don't feel like myself right now at all.. I feel weird.. sick.. and tired.

I closed my eyes to cease my dizziness.

•••

I awoke unsettled and sweating. I stood up aching, realizing I had fallen asleep in the tunnel. Pitch black enveloped the sky, not a person in sight. A yawn escaped my mouth as I rubbed my weary eyes. I checked my phone to see it had died. I swore under my breath completely disoriented. I tread quietly through the man-made cave feeling light headed.

I can't believe I fell asleep.. is it okay to be alone right now? I'm always alone though. This place.. It's so dark in here.. and my phone is dead..

I started to quicken my pace, I only had to walk about twenty minutes before finally being safe at home. For some reason I felt at peace in my lonesome in the dark and it was so dark, It could be close to midnight for all I knew.

I really slept for so long? Maybe I needed it.. How did no one see me? How did no one wake me? Is this place that deserted? But.. it's so nice here.. calming and peaceful. I'm almost offended.

I started down the road; the was street clear of cars and the area free of people.

Maybe I should leave Kouji be. I think I'm annoying him. Maybe it would be best for me to just let this go. But if he really cares.. he should let me know. I can't keep guessing. We may have a psychic connection but lately my thoughts drown it out.

The streetlight passing glares forced my eyes to squint.

Maybe I don't annoy him.. maybe he misses me. Maybe I'm full of shit.

I scratched my upper arm, tracing imaginary letters.

I wonder what everyone else is doing right now... I wonder why Takuya cares to message me so much.. check on me.. is he guilty? Is he pitying me? I thought our friendship disintegrated years ago.. why is he acting like this now?

I bolted my eyes side to side, even glancing behind me. A bit of paranoia showed as I paced faster.

Is there a reasoning to my darkness? I've honestly felt this way ever since I could remember. I ponder this sometimes. Am I born to be like this? Every day is getting worse.. I feel it.. my head just isn't the same as it was in the past. Sometimes I wonder how I still walk the earth.. and I care so much for other people.. do they care, too? Really care? It's commiserating.

I found comfort in knowing my house wasn't too far away. I reached into my pocket to grab my phone but groaned remembering my phone had died.

Am I being selfish? I'm so sick of myself. Is he too? I.. I think was about to message him. But he's the closest person in the whole world to me. Does he feel the same? Why wouldn't he? I can't think of why he would.. or wouldn't.. or.. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. But.. it's just not like him to not message me back.

I brought myself to a halt now standing within feet of my yard. I saw a shadow figure sitting on my porch steps. Feeling braver than ever, I stepped fearlessly towards my front door.