(I think you're really cool -Guardin)

KOUICHI POV

Takuya appeared from the shadows sitting on the steps of my front porch. White noise had taken over my mind as I laid my eyes on him. I stood within feet of the boy and instantly began to yearn increasingly for my brother. Takuya wore a crooked smile and waved ever so lightly. He held a paper bag at his side with the other hand.

I'm not sure what to say in this situation.. but I'm at ease knowing I am sleeping again tonight..

I timidly waved a reply, passed him slowly and rested a hand on the door knob.

Takuya is actually here..

Opening the front door, I invited him inside. I glanced at the clock; it was only ten-thirty.

Has he been waiting outside for me for long?

He shot me an encouraging smile though I didn't feel any comfort from his expression. Takuya plopped on the couch hastily throwing the paper bag off the now exposed bottle. I wasted no time sitting next to him, reaching my hand out for the glass bottle of liquid.

"Share," he practically ridiculed me with that word.

What am I doing? He can see I'm in such a rush.. why? Does he see me now? Does he see the real me.. I think Kouji does.. I know he does. But.. I'm surprised.. why do I feel like he sees me, too? Or maybe he just knows there's something to see. He definitely does.

I nodded and gently grabbed the bottle, taking two big gulps. I half expected him to make small talk or pry.

He's not speaking.

Takuya took out his cell phone as he took a drink. I leaned against the couch honestly not an anxious as I normally would have been.

I should charge my phone.

I glanced at Takuya. He put his phone away and met my gaze. He handed the bottle to me with a twinkle of question in his eye. For about ten minutes we passed that same bottle back and forth.

Is he going to say something? Is this silence okay? What do I do..

Ten more minutes passed by, handing the bottle to and from each other.

Maybe he's waiting for me to speak first. That'll be the day.

Another handful of minutes and the bottle was mostly ingested between us two. I stood up, stumbling to my bedroom to grab the charger. I realized the alcohol does a lot more to you when you stand. I brought the phone charger out to the living room, plugging it in the wall next to where I was sitting.

Just in case..

He offered me the rest of bottle silently, staring at his own phone. I couldn't see what he was focusing so hard on.

I wonder..

I began to chug the bottle, throat burning and uncaring.

He let me.. finish it. I drank way too fast..

I felt woozy.

"Kouichi.."

My eyes clouded as I listened to his voice.

"Can I.." Takuya twitched, I could see he was uncomfortable as he asked, "..can I tell you something?"

My eyes widened slightly, keeping my gaze fixated on the ground. I think the alcohol hit Takuya, too. I see it now. He had been waiting until that liquid courage was gone to begin a conversation with me.

I sort of wish I had another bottle.

"I don't have.. people to talk to," he admitted sadly.

I stayed silent.

Why couldn't I speak? He obviously needs comfort.. I hear it in his voice.

"Honestly, I've been feeling lonely," he said.

His words stung me deeply.

Yeah.. I know. Are you just using me for an ear? I guess I just used you for a bottle.

"High school was a lonely time."

No shit.

"You probably felt that way, too."

Probably?

"I feel like I can tell you anything," he looked away as he spoke.

My stomach burns so bad..

"I feel like we aren't as close anymore.. I kind of regret it."

Feel like? Kind of?

I don't know why I felt angry.

"It was wrong of me to expect answers from you yesterday," he stated, "..hey.. I'm kind of jealous."

What?

"You and Kouji are so close."

I'm sorry, Takuya. I feel like I don't know you anymore. It's almost like I invited a stranger over.. I don't know how to respond to you.

I leaned forward, feeling my face flush. I held and grasped at my stomach. Alarmed, he quickly grabbed the paper bag and held it to my mouth.

"I'm.. fine," I grumbled roughly, pushing the bag away.

I'm stupid.

He looked concerned and defeated simultaneously, "..okay."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, rubbing my eyes, "..I.. I'm okay. Really. Just a bad day."

More like a bad life.. I give up. You won. I spoke.

"I understand if you don't want to talk about it," he spoke softly.

"I will eventually."

His eyebrow raised.

Cynical..

"Get another bottle," I requested.

"Kouichi.." he seemed hesitant.

"Please," I coaxed him with big, sparkling eyes, begging obvious in my voice.

It felt completely immoral. Something had twisted inside me; was my self pity evolving to ungodly sardonicism?

Why am I lying to him? He's.. so nice.

Takuya took out his phone and messaged someone seeming completely persuaded, "..Well.. Junpei can bring me one, I think."

I nodded, slightly worried about not answering him earlier. I wondered why he would spend so much of his time for this. I eyed Takuya as he walked to the kitchen to bring back a glass of water.

"Hey, listen, if Junpei really brings us another bottle, you need to drink this."

He's tense. Why does he want to get me another bottle? Why did he try for me? This is crazy.. I just didn't expect him to.. try, I guess. Pity or friendship?

I took a few sips of water, feeling his eyes glued on me. His phone buzzed as I gulped the water.

"He said yes," Takuya looked worried, as if he had done something wrong.

I smiled wickedly, a tinge of pink showing on my cheeks. My twisted convincing had been enough to make him feel comforted.

I didn't care anymore. I'll suffer through the social anxiety again. At least I can sleep through the night. I mean, I probably could now.. why am I being so greedy?

"When.. is he coming?" I asked shyly.

"Probably soon.. he said he was already out," Takuya typed something in his phone, "..he's asking if everything's okay."

"Everything would be fine with that bottle in my hands," I laughed lightly.

He seemed concerned at first but his face twisted into a jagged smile.

"I'll tell him that," Takuya chuckled to himself.

I feel bad.. I'm being so fake with him.. in reality I just wanted the bottle.. and I wanted them to leave.. He believes I want him here. I really am the worst. I feel terrible. Why would he try to be my friend? He thinks of me as a friend still? I'm.. confused. Years.. years and we have not spoke more than one word to each other. His priorities were different back then. But they're different now? Do I deserve to have a friend? But Kouji is my friend..I hope. Do I deserve to have.. another friend? And Junpei, too? Maybe he's Takuya's friend.. I feel crowded.

Fifteen minutes passed and little small talk filled the room. I attempted to entertain his hurt ego with sentences like 'I'm glad you came'.

It's not true. I'm just glad you brought the bottle. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? Is it the alcohol? My addictive personality? My terrible outlook? I have the worst attitude. I don't understand why anyone would want to be friends with scum like me.. especially someone as seemingly nice as Takuya.

KNOCK KNOCK

I stood hastily, stumbling and opening the front door. Junpei wore a giant grin as he brought me into a bear hug.

"Hi, Kouichi!" He squeezed.

I croaked breathlessly, "..Um, hi."

Junpei let me out of his grip, chuckling. He set the bottle down on the table and rubbed the back of his head.

I watched at Junpei exhaled sadly, "..I can't stay, guys."

"Oh?"

I loved that sentence.

"Yeah.. Takuya messaged me as I was out grabbing some food for dinner for my mom and me," he assured, "..but I drove fast for you guys!"

"You got a car?" Takuya looked dumbfounded.

"Well.. it's my moms."

I giggled as Junpei eyebrow twitched, irked.

"Get mommy's car home safe," Takuya teased.

Junpei's annoyed face melted into a soft concern, "..well.. I have to go. Mom's probably wondering why the food's taking so long. Um.. are you guys okay?"

I nodded as Takuya spoke, "..yep!"

I wonder if Junpei is feeling pressured.

"Alright, well, see you guys later," Junpei didn't seem to believe us as he left.

It doesn't matter to me.

I eyed the bottle, almost waiting for Takuya to give me the signal to start drinking once more.

"He's always been a good friend," Takuya stated as he twisted the top.

Yeah. He's always been you're friend.

I nodded slowly. I would have agreed to anything to ingest the sweet liquid. I watched Takuya as he swigged the bottle before handing it to me. He sighed as I chugged. Takuya didn't stop me.

It's like my throat has a barrier for the discomfort.. I'm too numb to feel any burning..

"So.." Takuya broke the silence.

I tapped the bottle with my finger tips, "..Hm?"

"Have you seen Kouji?"

Why did those words hurt so much?

I shook my head, studying my phone. It needed to be turned on. Kouji's unusual behavior last night turned me to blush. Takuya noticed but didn't mention my colored cheeks.

"I messaged him earlier," he sighed, "..apologizing on behalf on everyone."

"I'm sure he's okay," I lied.

I know he's not. I feel it. I sense it. Takuya seemed to believe my words.

Should I turn my phone on? I'm terrified. I know what I want to see.. I know I might not get it..

He took the bottle back and took a slow slip.

Turn it on.. do it..

Okay, I'm doing it.

I did it. I waited for the phone to load the Home Screen.

"I think.. I'm done."

"W-what?" His words caught me off guard.

"I'm done now.." he repeated, "..I'm just looking for the one person I can spend the rest of my life with, seriously now."

Kouji.. I miss you. I don't know why but I'm I don't know if I believe Takuya. I've only seen the opposite for a long time. What changed..?

"I think I needed to tell someone," Takuya laughed, slightly embarrassed.

I only nodded to him.

He must have gotten tired of the ever changing females. It was his fault though. Maybe he was looking for happiness.. anywhere.. and everywhere.

"Soo.." Takuya trailed off.

I blinked suddenly nervous.

"Why haven't you had a girlfriend?"

I gulped.

Don't ask that Takuya. You already know why. I'm a loser. No one likes me. Did we not go to the same school? You saw..

"Is she a secret?" A grin appeared on his face as he teased.

"No.." I fumbled with my fingers, nervously, "..I don't know.."

Takuya frowned. He could see he hit a tender spot. The phone light flashed as it turned on. The Home Screen was completely baron.

Loneliness. I suddenly feel ill.

I grabbed the bottle quickly chugging and accidentally slamming it back down on the table.

Takuya jumped slightly, "..sorry."

"It's not you," I shook my head.

His brow lowered. I could tell he wanted to ask what was wrong but like he said earlier he shouldn't expect any answers.

"I'll be back," I muttered, stumbling to the bathroom.

I felt Takuyas eyes burning holes into my back as I locked the door behind me. My knees faltered to the floor as I heaved quietly. The tears forced from my eyes as I upchucked into the toilet.

I feel.. so lonely. Did I lose Kouji? He would message me.. he does that.. but hasn't.. I can't help but feel selfish.. with him.. I wanted to keep him next to me.. he makes me feel ..better. Why did he run away from me last night? Is he that embarrassed? I know I'm not the best person but..

I gagged, wiping my lips with tissue paper.

I'm wallowing in my own self pity. I am completely aggravated thinking I look for sympathy all the time. I'm so exhausted.. and tired of myself. Of everyone. Of life. Maybe I should start being like Kouji. I don't know.. how good of an idea that is.. but he's strong. Damn. I need to go.. before Takuya thinks something.

I exited the bathroom to find Takuya still on his phone. He scooted the bottle closer to me.

Did he want me to take it? Obviously. I think I know what he wants.

I took the bottle and gulped down some more. My stomach held a fire burning for hours.

Why am I doing this to myself again? Oh yeah. Sleep.

"Do you remember what I said to you?" A sheepish grin appeared on his face, "..all those years ago.. after we got back from the digital adventures?"

I shook my head.

What's he talking about?

"I said we'd keep in touch," he answered.

I don't remember.

"I don't think I did," he admitted, a frown showed through, "..I think I should have."

I swallowed more liquid before speaking, "..I don't understand. What are you saying?"

"I'm just trying to say I miss my friends. The past few years I acted out of selfishness. That get-together made me realize I needed to get my priorities straight," he sighed at his speech, "..I can see you're hurting."

Since when have you seen? You've been blind.. years in school.. chances you missed.. and.. now? Why do I feel angry?

"I think you're really cool."

I stared at him, his words were an unknown language.

What is he doing?

"You do?" My face reddened slightly.

"Yeah," he confirmed.

Me? He thinks I'm cool? That's insane to think that someone would think that of me. He's full of it; the alcohol just made him spout fake compliments. I can't believe these thing he said.

"You promised you'd talk," he pressed, shooting me a comforting smile.

Okay, fine. I'll play pretend.

"I'm okay, just tired a lot," I couldn't look at him, "..I just feel kind of bad."

I probably spoke a little bit more than I needed to..

"Why?" He replied.

The way Takuya asked had pinched a nerve.

I kept my cool, though. Just like Kouji would have done.

"I guess my mom. I could do better by her. I think she needs help."

Complete fabrication.. of course it's my mom! It's everyone.. everything. I need to do better by life, this I know. She needs help.. and I do too. I feel like a ghost. Sometimes I can't remember simple things like my own chores, brushing my hair and how to cook. I'm lost, always. Street signs always new, my bedroom completely foreign.

"Don't stress, buddy," he reassured with a smile, "..it'll be fine in the end."

I rolled my eyes internally and sipped slowly.

"Hey, your birthday is coming up next month! What are you and Kouji planning?"

"We haven't really planned anything," I muttered.

Takuya bounced, ".so let's party!"

I can't take the small talk anymore. I'm sorry. I'm starting to feel disoriented.. aggravated.. I don't think you deserve to see me like this.

"Takuya.."

"What?" He cocked his head to the side.

"I'd like to go to bed now."

I'd like to be.. alone now.

Takuya paused a moment looking extremely disappointed. I know this is sudden but I need isolation but I explode. I didn't look at him, just tapped the bottle nervously. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

"Really?" He sounded defeated.

"I'm tired," I pressed lightly.

"Okay," he mumbled, obviously disappointed. "..we can talk more later."

I don't want to. But.. You're trying, aren't you? Should I feel guilty? I need help.. all I have to do is tell him.. But. Not right now. I can't.

I grabbed the bottle hastily and stood up.

I'm sorry. I don't want to talk anymore. I'm drowning.

Takuya narrowed his eyes at the bottle.

"Please," I begged as innocently as I could muster, "..let me keep it."

Takuya sighed and brought me into a hug, "..okay. But.."

"Hm?"

"Promise to message me if you need me."

"I promise," I muttered giving into his demand.

Once more, I would have agreed to anything.

I'm sorry. I'm not good at this. I'm just a waste. Don't hope to be friend a waste of space.. this hopeless friendship.. you say you want. It's just not going to go anywhere. I know you'll forget me. I don't want to go through any more pain. Is that selfish?

He gazed at me for a moment, studying my face. Maybe he could tell. I faked a yawn as he sighed. I watched anxiously as he radiated sadness.

He stood finally leaving quietly.

I felt relief in my seclusion but still my own faulted sorrow. My knees were weak as I sat back on the couch. I was magnetized.

The thing is.. I don't want to be alone anymore. But it seems it's inevitable. Maybe I just want to pick who I share my loneliness with. Is that selfish, too? Can I do that? Can anyone? I just don't want to die alone.

I drank out of the bottle, seeing it was still have full.

Or a little like half empty.

Can I get another one from someone? My birthday is just around the corner.. I didn't want to celebrate.. but..

BEEP

Startled, I took another swig of liquid courage before holding my phone to my face.

'Unread message'

My heart skipped as I opened the message. It was Kouji.

'Can I see you'

I panicked.

Wait.. what do I do now? Do I text back? I want to.. god knows I want to.. but I feel like I'm on a leash.. I guess I am. Like he can message me whenever. Like I'm a dog. I'll come running when he calls. He knows this doesn't he? Am I wrong? Am I being cynical again? That word always echoes in my head.

I began to type a small word, but it was extremely tough to send. My emotions ran wild. I felt excited, angry and anxious.

I want to see him.. but.. why am I so afraid? Suck it up, Kouichi. Just send it. You know you want too. Do it.

I hang my head in my hands. There is an angel and a devil on my shoulders fighting. I sighed at my inner aggression.

I'm so scared.. I think we're both better off alone. I don't mind being alone. Who am I kidding? My longing is so intense. Cant I just try this one time? Be brave, damn it. I'm sorry I messed up. I'm doing it again. I miss you. Don't run away again.

'Yes'

The anxiety I felt sharpened, my hands shaking my phone viciously as I held it. Waiting for a reply felt like hours.

Kouji.. last night.. by the tree..

Thinking of this had me apprehensive.

'Soon'

What... what does that mean? When is..

I wanted to see him so badly. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to reply again.. I just don't know what to say.

Maybe I should try to be honest. Bad idea? Or... Good idea.

'Now?'

I hit send, staring at my phone.. waiting.