(Backup - Guardin)

Rewrote this chapter! Also CH 9 but I forgot to put that.

KOUICHI POV

The anxiety I felt grew tremendously waiting for his reply.

I'm growing tired of constant isolation knowing you're in this world with me. I miss you. You know that, don't you? I need.. I need my better half here..

There is a persistent stab throbbing in my chest. I felt so close and yet so far from him.

I feel hollow.. Kouji, fill the emptiness like you always have. You don't understand .. or do you? Does he feel the same?

I gripped my phone tight, holding onto it for dear life. I felt like I could have dropped it if I didn't focus.

Message me again. Please. I'm so lonely right now. Kouji has a gun right now; an emotional gun. He can abuse it if he wants. I just want him to.. to be here.. I don't want anyone else here.. I don't know anymore..

I sighed frustratingly, turning towards the bottle. The alcohol was hitting me hard. My vision slowed, images catching up to each other.

Wait, maybe he shouldn't come over, yet. I'm.. I'm a mess right now.. worse than usual.. Can.. can yesterday be real? I wonder..

I rubbed my eyes, my thoughts confusing me.

What am I thinking? Of course he should come over. Maybe.. maybe I should go over to his house! Is that a good idea right now? I don't know.. Wait, yeah, it's a great idea! I'll do exactly what he did. Go look at the moon, Kouji!

I inwardly squealed, feeling electrified.

Why am I so excited?

I set the bottle on the table, standing inebriated. I felt butterflies as I threw open the door. It was Kouji standing before me. I didn't think as I just automatically embraced him clutching his shirt. I felt his arms wrap around me. I felt a depressed energy emitting from Kouji.

But.. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy that a few tears fell.

"C-come in!" I welcomed close to his face.

I smelt a sweet liquor on his breath but it seemed inviting. I felt like I finally fit in. I didn't mean to be so close to him but eagerness took over. I guided him to the couch tripping somewhat in my drunken state. I clumsily sat down on the couch, reaching my hands out to him. Kouji looked serious as he settled next to me. I moved closer to him cuddling his chest.

"Kouichi," his tone was severe, "..you're drunk."

You are, too. Aren't you?

Suddenly I felt bad. I pouted not realizing my eyes were sparkling with unspilled tears. Kouji pointed at the bottle and I flushed. My intoxicated mind wouldn't allow correct emotions anymore.

Should I feel bad right now? I'm so happy. But.. my emotions aren't making sense.

"Drink with me," I requested with a smile.

Kouji looked at me with a miserable and saddened face.

I know I messed up.. don't be angry with me. Or wait.. did you mess up this time? I'm lost.

He suddenly smirked; I felt relieved.

I hope he gets used to this.. that his brother gets completely drunk all the time.. I have a feeling Kouji already is..

I handed him the bottle as he drank.

Wow.. he chugged a lot.. a lot more than I ever could.. does his throat burn?

He rested a hand on my head as I gazed at him.

"I'm sorry.. I know I suck sometimes. I feel better now that you're here!" I spoke upright, blushing at my own honesty.

He took a small sip and let me speak only truth in my drunken state.

"Stay over tonight, okay?" I pulled on his shirt, "..okay?"

I'm acting so different.. it's obvious he sees it.. I'm so weird.

"Okay," He analyzed my face.

I'm so happy.

His hand wrestled and stroked my hair. It sent chills down my spine and arms and stung a bit. I'm too far gone and a little numb now. I couldn't feel anything anymore.

"What did Takuya want?"

My eyes widened slightly as I gazed up at him, "..What?"

"I saw him leave," He didn't look at me, but I sensed bitterness in his voice.

Wait.. Kouji was here that long? Did Takuya see him? Why does Kouji sound upset?

"We were just hanging out.."

No matter how intoxicated I am, I can't tell you directly. You'll hate me. The truth is.. I used him. Well, I used Junpei, too.

I reached for the bottle as Kouji pulled it away.

"Why?" I whined.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Hm?" I blinked at him.

"When I left yesterday," He wore a sad expression. I felt his hand tremble slightly on my head.

"No.. just sad," I couldn't help my openness, "..I missed you."

I laid my head down on his chest, listening to his heart beat.

It's fast..

I heard him swallow. I peered up, seeing him handing me the bottle. I smiled from ear to ear, sitting up and taking in with both my hands. I guzzled the liquid as if it were the best tasting thing in the world.

He sighed as he spoke, "..I missed you, too."

I slightly choked in shock, setting the bottle on the table harshly.

He missed me.. why am I so happy?

"Hey Kouji.." I slurred, "..why did you.. uh.. kiss me?"

Honestly.. you could do anything.. and you would still be my favorite person..

His flushed slightly, "..I was drunk."

His words were harsh.

"Oh.."

Why am I so disappointed?

I frowned.

I should have kept my mouth shut but I'm brave as hell right now..

Kouji took a swig, "..can we change the subject, please?"

It sounded like a demand, not a question.

"I'm so happy you came over," I happily hugged him, face a constant flush from intoxication.

I want to tell him so much.. that I never want him to leave.. that I never want to be alone without him ever.. please.. I want to get a job with him.. I want to have the same schedule.. I want to live with him.. I don't want to be around anyone except him.. What's wrong with me? Wait.. what's right with me? It's as if the pain I feel so deeply just vanished. Is it the liquor? No.. it's him. Months earlier I had been utterly miserable.. Is it changing? Am I getting better? Am I just drunk?

Kouji chugged a bit more of the bottle leaving a small amount left. He motioned offering me the rest but I shook my head. I didn't realize I was staring dotingly at him as he gulped the last of it.

"What?" He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Nothing.."

He finished that bottle so quickly..

"You're so obvious when you're drunk," a provoking smile showed on his face as he spoke.

I sulked, pushing my lower lip outwards, "..What's that supposed to mean?"

He chuckled as he stood.

"W-where are you going?"

"Getting water," he rolled his eyes playfully.

Why am I so clingy right now?

He held out a glass of water to me and I took it.

"Hey, Kouji?" I muttered.

"What?"

"Am I annoying?" I frankly asked but regretted opening my mouth.

Kouji patted me on the head, "..No."

I embraced him once more, hanging onto the person I cared about so much.

"Well, maybe a little," he joked.

I frowned, staring at him, "..What?"

"I'm kidding," he crossed his arms, grinning smugly.

I'm slowly losing my focus.. thoughts. They're uncontrollable.

My stomach gurgled loudly.

He laughed, "..are you hungry?"

"No.. I-I don't feel good," I barely spoke above a whisper.

His face softened, "..drink that water.. maybe go lay down."

I shook my head like a stubborn child.

I want to be near you.. always.

"Kouichi.." He sighed, "..come on."

He stood and held his hand for mine. It reminded me of the young boys at the park. I took his hand and wobbled to my feet, suddenly feeling a queasiness. I think he saw it. My face felt hot.

I think.. standing is a bad idea..

He led me to the hallway and I split off, stumbling into the bathroom. Kouji sighed, hearing as I spewed nothing but liquid into the toilet bowl. I heaved a few times, salty tears down my cheeks. I felt a hand on my back.

I groaned, ripping some toilet tissue and wiping my face and mouth, "..sorry."

"You probably needed it," I could hear him holding back a laugh.

I groaned, leaning against the toilet.

"You good now?" Kouji said in a hush tone, "..try to lay down."

I barely nodded my head, feeling dizzy moving too quickly. He helped me to the bedroom with the empty bottle in his hand. I dropped on the bed cuddling my pillow. I heard Kouji chuckle.

"It's for you.." my voice cracked as I pointed towards his folded clothes on the corner of my bed.

He whispered a reply but I couldn't hear him. I rolled to the other side of the bed, still clutching my pillow.

"Are you going to be okay sleeping in jeans?" I could hear the sarcasm in his voice.

"What about you?" I mumbled half through my pillow.

"I'm wearing sweat pants, are you blind?"

"Nope, just drunk," I said dumbly.

Kouji snorted in amusement. He slid the empty bottle under my bed. I heard the door shut, saw the bed room light had shut off and felt the bed wobble. I snuggled up to him, purring into his chest. I felt his hand in my hair. Before I knew it, I fell asleep.

•••

My eyes slowly fluttered open, a throbbing pain behind my eye sockets made it almost an impossible task. I groaned, rubbing the entirety of my face. I felt a familiar illness. The only good thing about this I didn't have a single second of a nightmare. My bad dreams always intended hatred and anger. It was continuously set back in the digital world, when I was lost and confused. I remember just being so sorrowful, angry and surrounded by darkness.

"Kouji?" I glanced around the room, weakly sitting up. He was gone, so were Kouji's clothes. Glancing down I blushed and realized I wore Kouji's sweat pants.

When did I change?

I checked underneath the bed; the empty bottle had vanished, too. I wonder if I dreamed his presence. I noticed dust floating in the beam of sunlight peeking through my window. I didn't bother to look at the time as I stumbled up. I felt extremely ill. My throat and stomach muscles felt extremely sore as I upchucked in the toilet. I tried to be an quiet as possible. I didn't want to wake my mother. I was feeling so bad, I didn't have time for thoughts, my head pounded worse and worse with every second passing. I brushed my teeth but didn't shower. I didn't want my mother to have any higher than normal bills. I just changed my shirt. The hoodie I wore was a bit big on me but it was comforting. I walked to the kitchen to see a note on the counter.

'Hi honey! There is some natto in the fridge if you boys get hungry'

Natto and rice? Sounds amazing right now. A big part of me felt wrongfulness making any noise while she slept. I ended up having a breakfast solely consisting of water. I wasn't sure what would make me feel better. The headache pounded increasingly but I assumed it was clear liquids that helped. I decided I needed some fresh air. I stepped out on the porch, soaking up the warm air. I felt eyes on me and I glanced to my right. Kouji stood behind my house staring at me. He was smoking a cigarette. I've never seen him do that before.

I wanted to tell him stop and it was self-destructive but I would have just felt like a hypocrite.

"Kouji?" I muttered, shutting the door quietly behind me, "..B-be careful! What if she sees you?"

He shrugged, stomping on the cherry, "..That's why I hid."

I watched in awe as he took out a travel-sized mouth wash bottle. He swished for a moment before spitting.

"Come with me."

"What?" I murmured a reply, watching as he stepped towards me, "..I don't think I should go anywhere. I don't feel too good."

He spoke brutally honest, "..Yeah, I know. You were drunk as hell last night. Let me buy you some food."

I felt a little forced but it was hard too mind. It was him, after all. I hid my warm face as I turned towards the door. I quickly slipped my shoes on and left with him.

I honestly feel completely wrong. He's not acting angry at all? It surprised me. One day I'll treat him.. he's always paying for me.. especially lately.

"Kouji?" I spoke softly as we walked extra slow down the side walk. Any faster pace would make me feel queasy.

"Hm?"

"Where are you getting money from?"

He smirked, "..don't worry about it."

Okay. But I am worried.

There was a small diner we headed to around the corner. I attempted to keep up, holding my head in my hand, groaning lowly.

"I don't feel good.."

"You'll take a nap later," Kouji's smile was small, but I couldn't help but feel at ease.

He opened the door for me as we stepped inside, seeing barely any customers. Kouji ordered two Ochazuke. There was a small table around the corner of the wall near the front register. We sat and waited for our food. I had a good view of the front door.

"I feel like a car hit me," I pouted, resting my head on the table, using my arms and sleeves as a pillow.

Kouji chuckled, "..you'll get used to it."

What does that mean?

"You're not mad at me for drinking?" I muttered. My expression was of the face of an irritated child.

I'm surprised I asked that.. this is obvious. Why wouldn't he be upset with me? He-

"No," he replied nonchalantly, "..You do what you want, anyway."

Ouch. That hurt. Did you mean to be so uncaring? I feel like you don't mean to.. but..

I peered up at Kouji, he had been gazing intensely at his phone. He typed something quick and flipped it down loudly putting the phone back in his pocket.

I wonder..

One of the workers came over with two bowls and placed them on the table in front of us. We thanked him. I gazed in the bowl for a moment, staring lost in thought at the broth swirling.

I can't believe how bad I feel.. yet all I can think.. is when am I going to sleep this well again?

I took a few small bites.

I can't believe Kouji isn't mad at me for how dumb I acted last night. I don't sense it.. but, I'm mad at myself. I always am. Did I disappoint you again?

I peeked at Kouji, about to take a bite. I paused, mouth agape, gazing at two boys walking into the diner. Kouji met my eyes for a moment before frowning. He glanced out of the corner of eye, seeing who I saw. There stood two of the bullies from high school, in line. I had been unnoticed.

"Don't worry. This is a public place," Kouji smiled with reassurance, "..Plus, if they say anything I'll kick their asses."

I don't know why but it didn't make me feel relaxed. Kouji usually made me feel content. I kept my head down hoping to keep out any acknowledgement. The sickness doubled. I tried eating more to ease my ill-felt head. I didn't feel sick from the aftermath of heavily drinking but just sick from fear. Kouji watched secretly as the boys sat at a table on the complete opposite side of the diner. I released a breath I felt like I've been holding. Only half through the bowl I set my utensils down. Kouji followed my movements.

"Want to go?" He asked with genuine concern.

How is he so calm about this? I'd be upset with me, I'm such a coward.

I nodded.

"Come on," he grinned, slapping some currency on the table.

He stood up, the scooting of his chair made a noise that made me cringe. I didn't want to draw any attention. He put his hand out to help me up. I followed close behind him, hiding my face. I think I heard one of the boys mutter something but my ears couldn't make out his words. Kouji's hand pushed me lightly out the door, guiding me to safety. I stuck to Kouji as he put his hands in his pockets. I'm not sure where he was walking to. I suddenly glanced at Kouji. When his eyes met mine I diverted mine back to the ground.

I'm still on edge and I don't know why.

I kept up behind him eventually ending up at the tunnel. I feel like this place has become a second home. I followed him to very end of the tunnel, then down the sidewalk directly beside. Above the tunnel had been concrete steps he aimed to rest on. We climbed the hill and half way before stopped. I followed his actions sitting down. I wasn't that high up, but I felt like it. I didn't think I was afraid of heights until now. There wasn't a soul around and I wasn't sure why. I didn't want to question it though. I enjoyed the solitude. Both the road and park were empty; the only sound I heard was the gentle cooing of the breeze and-

CLICK

Kouji's flicked a lighter.

"What?" He exhaled smoke, a half grin exposed, "..you already saw me."

I can't believe he lit a cigarette around me.. I mean.. he trusts me, I guess, but.. I just haven't seen this before.

"How long?" I murmured, peering at him through the corner of my eye.

He shrugged. The smell of spice and ash in the air had been new. I couldn't help but rest my head on his shoulder as if I longed for his attention. His free hand played with my hair as he shot me a smile. It made me feel weak. Compelled, I'm learning more and more about my own twin every day.