(Suffocate - Guardin, 9tails)

Rewrote this chapter!

Should I keep WARNING? You read the description;)

KOUICHI POV

Only two days later I felt extreme tension discharge from Kouji's aura. I awoke that morning after another night of drinking feeling terrible but almost used to the after sickness. I realized he had woken up completely different. He acted cold, detached and distressed, especially towards me. I stepped on egg shells around him. I let him smoke while my mother slept or left to to study, brought us cups of water and even idly sat by him as he gazed at his phone. Something obviously bothered him.

I am not sure if I am the cause or not. Maybe he's gotten tired of me? I need to stop feeling so pathetic but I can't help it. Kouji is pushing me away without saying a word.

I saw Takuya's message on my phone still unanswered from yesterday. He asked how I was doing but I didn't feel like saying anything to him. The truth was I didn't know how I was doing anymore. I couldn't tell if I was sad or happy, excited or angry, affectionate or uncaring; but I supposed it's better than what I felt in a long time. I wanted- no, needed to know what was weighing on Kouji's mind so heavily.

Troubled, I rested my hand on his knee. There was a strain in my chest, a dull pulse of agony. It felt like he was fighting a mental battle that he was unfortunately losing. I wanted to help him. I can feel the pain he's been hiding.

Is this what he spoke about? When you bleed I bleed.. right?

Something about him being here just made me feel somewhat cured of whatever gloom I had fallen into. I had hoped I did the same for him, but I'm not sure right now. My loneliness for the most part had been cured when he was around but right was seemed different.

"Kouji?" I murmured, nervous to speak.

He barely made a noise in response.

I kept my voice low in respect of my current sleeping mother, "..what's wrong?"

He kept his mouth shut, focusing on his phone. It didn't seem like he was doing anything important.

"D-did I do something?" I stammered, tail between my legs.

Kouji stood, keeping his face hidden as he moved out the front door. I quickly grabbed the door before it closed and studied him as he hurried down the steps. I was taken back at his hasty actions but I kept after him. I miss when he only spoke in demands and statements and never silence. I don't like this cold shoulder he had been giving me.

When did he start treating me like everyone else?

I followed the silent and impassioned boy behind my house and analyzed his face as he lit a cigarette.

He's gotten too comfortable.. but who am I to say anything?

I stared at my feet as he exhaled. Something about the way I heard him breath had me concerned. I noticed on the ground a small pile of cigarette butts and I felt a little uneasy. I used my foot to push dirt slightly hiding them poorly.

"You're mad?" I did my best to break the silence, feeling empathetic.

He crossed his arms and leaned against the outside walls of the house, "..You could say that."

Finally.. he spoke to me. But what did I do now?

"You want to.. tell me?" I pressed my lips together nervously.

From the way Kouji has been acting, he's been holding in rage for a long time. I wonder how long, though. What is he hiding?

Kouji shook his head slightly, doing his best to ignore everything, "..I don't want to upset you."

That's hilarious. I've been upset a long time.

"Just tell me.." I nudged him slightly with my shoulder and stared into his eyes sadly.

He met my gaze and inhaled smoke, seemingly deeply bothered.

He exhaled slowly and spoke grudgingly, "..Kouichi, I really don't think I should talk a lot right now."

But you're here.. if you didn't want to talk.. why are you here with me?

"I did something?"

What am I saying? I always do something wrong.

I lowered my head, trying not to let any tears flow. I felt my emotions go wild trying to speak soundly.

"Talk to me.." I begged.

Kouji lightly scoffed and it put me off the edge. I watched as he stomped out the cigarette, trying to bury it beneath the dirt as I did with my shoe. I lost control at his irked breath.

"I always talk to you!" I frowned.

"Bullshit," Kouji lashed, "..I go through a damn war to get you to talk to me!"

My cheeks tickled with a familiar warm and wet substance, eyes stinging. I opened my mouth slightly but nothing came out. Why am I always crying?

He.. snapped at me.. Is this it? He finally had it with me, I think. Maybe.. maybe I should go.. he.. I think he's annoyed.. with me being there.. I should leave now, I think. I am such a cry baby. Woe is me? Kouji is in pain.. but apparently.. I'm not the one to help him. Maybe one day.. he will tell me.. what's wrong.. what's really wrong.

With tears constantly running down my face, I took two steps away. Suddenly I felt something, or someone, grab my hand. Kouji had pulled me into an embrace and I gulped, attempting to swallow any sobs.

He sighed and tightened his hold, recollecting himself, "..I'm sorry I snapped at you."

His quick apology surprised me. My hands shook as I gently clutched the back of his jacket. I felt him tremble.

I wish.. I could do this.. be like you. Kouji is right.. but he can easily.. easily change his mind.. he talked to me.. and-

"I don't want you doing certain things. It's.. addicting and I do some stupid shit, too," he pulled back to meet my eyes.

His face was serious and seriously hurt. What does that mean?

"W-what?" I blinked.

"You know what I mean."

It's like he heard my thoughts.

"I mean," I furrowed my brow, "..I don't smoke-"

"That's not what I'm talking about," he motioned with his eyes towards my arms, "..it's that.. its other shit, it's drinking."

"I'm sorry," I wasn't sure what to say.

Is he mad at me for this? Wait.. Why wouldn't he be.. and what other stuff is he talking about?

I spoke again, "..I'm not doing anything because of you-"

"Why do you drink so much?" Kouji sounded like he almost expected an answer.

I shrugged my shoulders, "..I don't know."

"Yes, you do," he sounded enraged trying to keep his cool. I saw his eyes divert to the ground, "..it's probably the same reasons I do."

Kouji.. you've never told me.. and the reasons.. but.. I feel it.. and sense it.. you're so angry..

"I mean, um," I stumbled over my words.

"Is it bad dreams?" He spoke bluntly, "..you've stopped talking in your sleep."

I blushed.

I talk in my sleep? Wait.. Does he have nightmares too? How did I not sense it.. Okay.. but.. I feel weird.. knowing he knows now. I guess he has known for some time. I shouldn't think I'm so inconspicuous, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Especially with him.

"What are you getting at?" I whispered, my voice sounding dejected, "..is that why you drink?"

Kouji ignored my question, "..I just want to make a deal with you."

What? What's he saying? I feel like I'm a small child being scolded. Why won't he answer me? I feel like my prying is pointless.

"What.. kind of deal?"

"I'll stop smoking if you stop cutting," he looked me seriously in the eye, "..and only drink with me. It's not the best habit, especially if you're alone."

Does he think stopping me from doing one thing will stop me from doing more things?

My eyes widened, but I nodded anyway.

I'm embarrassed as hell right now.. I hate that he knows.. but.. He's.. he's really trying. I appreciate him a lot more than he knows. But.. he wouldn't answer me.. and the way he asked me.. he sounded.. protective.. But.. why? But I think I know why.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

•••

Weeks had passed and Kouji stayed over every night, only disappearing to come back with a small supply of alcohol just a few times. It's sad to say we both became somewhat acquainted to the numbing liquid. I saw him all the time, that is, unless it was one of the days he disappeared back to his house for something. I almost expected liquid gifts but sometimes he came back without bottles. He never told me how he got them since he wasn't of age and he never told me why he left and what for. Honestly, he never let me come along, either. I doubted he had to go back to shower or for clothes; he never came back looking any different or bringing anything materialistic. He teased I was nosy, but who wouldn't be?

Today I felt different about this. I felt bold. My curiosity escalated with every depart. He had mentioned he would be leaving tonight. He had to run to his house again and he would return later in the night. 'Leave the door open,' he said; is he going to stroll in at two in the morning? I hatched a plan inside my head to follow him. I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to see why Kouji had to go back to his house so much. He didn't live that far away, barely fifteen or twenty minutes down the road and kind of towards the tunnel. But sometimes I don't even see him for hours. It really troubled me.

I waited until Kouji had gotten past my yard before I left my house, crouching stealthily behind trees and bushes. At one point he had turned around, I didn't even make a noise so I don't know why. I ducked down low behind a car waiting patiently as he started to walk again. His paced quickened as I sneakily trailed behind him.

Eventually we ended up at his house. His father's car had still been absent; I'm guessing staying late for work again. I never saw him, anyway. Kouji didn't tell me much about his home life but he did tell me his father works a lot. His father and Kouji's step mother sounded like they had some problems, I wonder if she was even still around. I had hoped they worked everything out. Kouji never told me much no matter how often I'd ask.

Kouji only disappeared inside for a few minutes but it felt like hours. He stood in his yard for awhile as his phone light glowed in his face showing a serious expression. I felt extremely confused and impatient.

What did Kouji come back for? Why is he standing in his yard? He seems like he's waiting for something to happen..

My legs began to fall asleep, sitting on all fours hiding behind his neighbor's car. I attempted to keep a good distance between us. The last thing I wanted was to get caught and have Kouji mad at me. Again.

I saw a flash, he had flicked a lighter. The flame illuminated his face for a long minute and smoke filled the night air a bit more than normal. I saw him holding and puffing in his mouth, the phone glare showed a thicker cloud forming.

He's smoking? He promised.

The smell of a skunk and burning pungency hit my nostrils for a moment. I gazed at the cigarette in his mouth though it was blurry. I frowned, realizing it looked a bit different from all the other cigarettes I've seen him smoke.

I watched as a car pulled next to his drive way. I bent down lower, barely laying off the concrete. Kouji walked a few steps to the driver side of the car. It was the opposite side so I couldn't see. A few seconds later the car drove off right past me. I laid flat on the ground now staying as hidden as possible. I peeked up, seeing Kouji carefully put out the cherry and stuck it into his jacket pocket.

I saw him walk back to his door underneath his porch light but I didn't want to stick around any longer. Feeling uneasy I began to pace quickly and stealthily back to my house. My heart kept a fast beating as I dodged in and out of bushes, trees, parking cars. I even jumped a fence for a short cut. Eventually when I got home I slammed the door and paced around the living room a moment. I was unsure of where to go but I decided to jump into bed, hiding my face under any covers. I felt nervous and on edge but also a silent betrayal.

Should I allow myself to explode on him? He will know I followed him.. Should I keep this to myself? But.. how am I supposed to keep this to myself? I kept my promise.. this time. He didn't.. I saw.. I don't know what I saw.. What was he doing? Was that a normal cigarette? I feel like.. I don't want to know.. but I need to know. Is it one of those unfiltered cigarettes?

I couldn't help a tear falling.

I just want everything to be okay. There's always something wrong with every day. Whether it's my own pain or my brothers, I feel it nonstop. Is this life? Always? Is anything going to become clear? Am I going to be questioning this for a long time?

My breathing stopped momentarily, hearing the front door open. Unless my mother was off early at midnight, which had never happened, it was Kouji. I heard footsteps creep down the hall to my door way.

"You asleep?" I heard Kouji chuckle under his breath, "..already?"

I heard his steps echo menacingly through my room to my bedside and pause. A small giggle forced its way out of my throat as he poked my ribs. I groaned gently throwing the covers off my face.

"What are you doing?" Kouji grinned.

"I had a headache," I rested my head back onto my pillow, my smile fading.

What a lame excuse..

Kouji didn't seem to believe me as he sat on the bed next to me, "..yeah, me, too."

"What's wrong?"

He shrugged his shoulders slightly, "..tired."

I swallowed, trying to force any words, "..what did you go back to your house for?"

My words were to speak, but I had to pry.

"Feeding my cat," Kouji smirked.

"You don't.. have a cat."

"I know," he huffed, "..stop being nosy."

I sighed.

He looked at me sadly, "..I was just making sure my house didn't burn down.. I've been here with you a lot, you know."

"I hope it's still standing," I said half sarcastically and internally rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, sadly," he studied me, "..something on your mind?"

I shook my head but he could telling I was bluffing.

"You can't lie to me. Tell me," he spoke sternly, "..or else."

I raised a brow, "..or else what?"

His smirk widened, "..I'll invite Takuya and all your friends over."

I pouted.

Friends? Kouji knows I'm not a people person.. I mean, he's the same as me, but at least he has the confidence of walking away.. I wish he would teach me how he does it.

"Kouji.. are you smoking again?"

"What makes you ask that?" Kouji's eyebrows lowered.

"You kind of smell like it.." I lied, but he doesn't need to know the truth.

"I'm not smoking again," Kouji crossed his arms, "..I'm sticking to the promise."

He looks offended.. but I am, too. Betrayed is a better word.

"Okay, I believe you," I sat up, eyeing his clothes, "..but empty your pockets."

He did just that and pulled nothing out.

I feel stupid. But..

"...sorry."

"I forgive you," he grinned, "..but how exactly do I smell?"

Nervous, I spoke honestly, "..I lied. Just wondering if you'd confess."

He patted my head, "..Nice try."

•••

I was already dealing with my own moodiness all today. My mother had left for work around eight at night coughing and looking pale. I wanted to call her job so bad and beg her boss to let her take a night off, but she always uses the same excuse; 'they need me'.

Kouji hadn't been around today. He had left early afternoon. He's been doing that more and more lately. For the last week or two it consisted of faulty justifications and loneliness. Despondent I couldn't tag along again today. I always wondered what he was doing so importantly and what exactly I saw that night.

When my mother was sleeping, I slept, too. I was trying to override the lonesome feeling, but I ended up have another nightmare. I wanted to drink, Kouji wasn't around, though.

A promise is a promise, right? Screw it. He messed up so it was okay for me to mess up, too. Right?

I only had one drink, though it was large. I laid back in bed, trying to relax, but I always feel restless and dismal after a bad dream. Especially, after my mother left, sorrow lingered. I had another drink, telling myself I wouldn't have anymore until Kouji came back. Hours seemed like days but still no Kouji. I stared at my phone every minute hoping for a reply message from him. The only person that messaged me had been Takuya. Once again, I didn't bother replying.

I'm worried about my mother and I'm worried about Kouji. Why am I seeing less and less of him? Is he annoyed being here so much? But.. what if he's in trouble? I can't shake this feeling.. he's sad.. Maybe I should look for him..What other choice do I have? The message I sent him hours ago hasn't been answered. I'm going insane sitting at home by myself again..

I bolted out the door. My first stop was Kouji's house. I don't know if he was really there but I had to try. I paced down the road so hastily I almost tripped a few times. The road was empty and there was no sign of any life. Usually I'd be a little afraid to be by myself at night but it was hard to think selfishly when I had another person on my mind.

I hope everything's right with Kouji.. I hope he's just.. annoyed by me.. and nothing else is wrong.

My thoughts made me nervous as I peered at his yard. I was just feet away from his front gate. There were no cars in sight so I wondered if his father was at work again. A trash bin lay by the fence fallen over from too many garbage bags. They blocked the way through the gate. I climbed over them and stumbled to my feet, his front door wasn't that far now. The front porch light had burnt out from the last time I came here. I gulped as I followed up the squeaky steps to the front door of the trailer home and paused before knocking.

No answer.

I knocked again, this time a bit harder but no one had opened the door. The blinds laid over the windows and made it impossible to see through. I held my breath, bracing myself as I turned the door knob.

It opened.

Why is this door not locked? I have a weird feeling. Kouij, are you okay?

I couldn't help but get anxiety as I started peeking around the house. I made a sour face as my nose was hit with a vile stench. I jumped seeing a few roaches run to the darkness for hiding. I stepped in, careful not to touch anything. I attempted the light switch on the wall but it didn't work. It was hard to see but my eyes adjusted. I decided to take my phone out for some light. I took a step in feeling a crunch and hearing a crush of broken glass beneath my feet. The walls were punctured and torn. I turned towards the kitchen. There was a group of flies upon a large pile of unwashed dishes; I'm guessing that's where the foul smell came from. I shifted my eyes to the living room table in front of me seeing envelopes that looked like the bills my mother got every month. Another bug crawled over the table.

Kouji.. this is where you live? This is inhabitable. I feel.. really stupid for never knowing.. why didn't you tell me? Where is your father and step-mother? Where is Kouji?

I walked carefully and cautiously to another room but it was almost completely empty. I peeped into the closet with the phone light to find it was bare. It was so empty in the room that I saw stains apparent on the carpeted floor. This area seemed like a cleared out bedroom.

I'm nervous.

I wandered to another bedroom finding no one in it still. I'm guessing it was Kouji's room, seeing a pile of undid black laundry in a corner. Crushed plastic bottles, fast food bags and empty liquor bottles littered throughout the room. I jumped again, startled, seeing a cockroach run on the corner of his bed. His mattress lay on the floor, stripped of sheets and burn marks decorated the mattress. Holes were punched in the thin walls and discoloration was everywhere you looked.

There had been barely anything in the closet, I'm guessing everything had been thrown into that same pile. Countless crushed cigarette boxes scattered on the floor made me choke back a sob. I saw large mason jars filled with a green substance, plastic containers filled with little blue pills and a giant tray of a white dust and little wadded up papers. My eyes widened and I rushed out of the front door, anxious and utterly disturbed.

Where the hell is Kouji? Is that what I think it is? Is Kouji doing any of that? I mean.. of course he is, but I wish I was wrong. But I don't even know what I'm looking at.. I just know its bad. Damn it. I'm so selfish. I couldn't see this before. The way he has been acting, what I saw that night, I'm the worst brother. I'm so stupid.

I practically darted down the street, passing the diner, our old school and checked down the street where we had gone for tea. I paused, resting my my hands on my knees and slowly started to catch my breath. The tears that had flooded down my cheeks dried down sticking and stinging to a cold night breeze. I was getting deeper into town where I actually saw a few cars pass. One woman stared at me from her car but kept driving.

He's not here.. but.. where is he? He needs to know.. that I know.. that I care.. stay with me, Kouji.

As I turned to leave, I waited for another car to leave before I crossed the street. That car drove real slow, so slow it made me nauseous. I shuffled down the street, still catching my breath. From the corner of my eye I saw the same car doing a three point turn almost behind me. My pace quickened but it was so hard to be afraid when I was so worried about Kouji.

Kouji.. I can't believe I didn't see this.. how long has it been like this? Why didn't you tell me? Where is your father? I don't understand anything.

"Hey, do you need a ride?"

I turned towards the street, seeing the car pull up next to me. It was a man I'm guessing in his forties. The way he spoke caused me to cringe. I kept a steady speed just wanting him to disappear.

"No, thank you," I gulped turning ahead to quicken my pace once more.

No point in being rude to man I don't know, right?

"So polite.." he muttered evilly, "..just hop in, I'll take you home."

Never mind. Screw him.

With that last sentence I scurried into the grass, dodging in and out of trees before I ran into an open field. I glanced back behind me to see if I could find the car but I could not see it.

I don't have time for creeps. I can't mess around. I need to find Kouji. Kouji.. is my priority.. right now.

I ended up near the tunnel. The night made it hard to see the park to the right. There was one street lamp lit near the entrance but it flashed uncontrollably. The light seemed it would inevitably end soon. I allowed myself to cry slightly and silently. I began drifting sulkily through the tunnel. I kept myself from making a peep and my steps made minimal noise. As I neared the end of the tunnel I saw a slight fog. There it was; that smell. Ever so slowly I reached the end of the tunnel, following the moon light giving off the slightest bit of illumination.

All I wanted was to find Kouji. That's all. It's so upsetting.. to see someone I love so much had to live like that.. and he never even told me. I would have helped him. How did I not know? I'll never forgive myself. I allowed this. Am I a bad brother? Is he good at hiding it? Or am I blinded by my own self pity?

I cried a bit harder, letting a sob escape.

"Kouichi?"

I looked up at the voice, startled. There sat Kouji above the tunnel on the steps. I whimpered seeing the thick smoke swirl around him. He looked slightly surprised and guilty.

"K-Kouji!"

He flew down the steps as I met him at the end, I couldn't help but embrace him tightly.

"Kouichi, why are you crying?" He panicked, arms wrapping around me firmly.

"I c-couldn't find you!" I cried into his jacket, the smell penetrated my nostrils.

Kouji pulled me off him, his face falling with regret, "..I told you I'd be back later!"

"You w-weren't answering!" I spoke in between sobs, shaking, "..I thought s-something happened!"

I plugged my nose gently from the smell of the skunk-like smoke.

"I'm fine-"

"I checked everywhere!" I hid my face, hot tears flowing like a river down my face, "...Kouji.. I'm sorry.."

"W-what? Everywhere? Why are you sorry?" He frowned as he threw the 'cigarette' to shield me from the sour smell.

I never heard him stutter before. I felt his hands shake with confusion. He held my shoulders tightly.

"You shouldn't be out late by yourself," he said alarmed.

"I.. I checked.."

I didn't want to admit this, but I had to. I couldn't let my brother live like this anymore.

"I checked.. your house."

Please don't hate me.

Kouji squeezed my shoulders, his face looked disturbed, "..you.. did?"

"Kouji, I s-saw."

Kouji blanked; his hands trembling while squeezing my shoulders. He hung his head slightly. He looked utterly upset and displeased.

My lower lip quivered, "..are y-you using-"

"Kouichi.."

"Tell me please," I begged, "..was that even a c-cigarette? Why does it look different?"

Kouji didn't speak; he could barely look at me.

I spoke once more, "..tell me what happened."

He sighed defeatedly. His rage subsided, loosening his grip, "..I didn't want you to see."

"Well I d-did," I stood my ground, my eyes burning from tears, "..tell me."

Kouji exhaled holding any emotions back successfully and whispered, "..okay, fine.. I'll tell you everything."